. 


M.  QUAD  AND  CHARACTERS. 


LIME -KILN  CLUB: 


BEING  TIIK 


Regular  Proceedings  of  the  Regular  Club 

FOR  THE  LAST  THREE  YEARS. 

WITH  SOME  PHILOSOPHY,  CONSIDERABLE  MUSIC,  A  FEW  LECTURES, 
AND  A  HEAP  OF  ADVICE  WORTH  READING. 


NOT  COMPILED  IN  THE  INTERESTS  OF  CONGRESS,  OR  ANY 
DEPARTMENT  OF  GOVERNMENT. 


M.  QUAD    AND    BROTHER    GARDNER. 


Illustrated    by   GEAN   SMITH, 


CHICAGO: 

BELFORD,   CLARKE  &   Co. 
1882. 


COPYRIGHTED. 
BELFORD,  CLARKE  &  CO. 

1882. 


Printed  nnd  Round  by  Do\nniTE  &  HENNEBEKKY,  Chicago. 


DEDICATED 

TO   THE  MEMBERS  OF  THE 
DETROIT   LIME-KILN  CLUB, 

AND    TO 

THE  FRIENDS  AND  WELL  WISHERS 

OK 
THE  COLORED  MAN  IN  AMERICA. 

BROTHER  GARDNER. 


PREFACE. 


IT  is  not  any  ways  probable  that  the  production  of  this 
work  will  add  anything  to  the  general  happiness  of  the  world; 
and  the  purchaser  must  not  hold  me  responsible  if  his  crops 
fail  or  his  lottery  ticket  hits  a  blank.  It  has  become  quite 
fashionable  to  write  and  publish  books.  They  are  handy  to 
box  the  children's  ears  with;  are  good  property  to  lend  to  your 
neighbors;  and  when  the  baby  has  torn  the  covers  off,  they 
can  be  worn  as  chest-protectors  and  liver-pads.  The  only 
thing  I  warrant  about  this  book  is  that  it  contains  no  vege 
table  poisons,  and  will  not  explode  when  handled  by  innocent 
children. 

Affectionately, 

THE   AUTHOR. 


CONTENTS. 


About  Art 114 

About  Kind  Words 145 

About  Liars 99 

About  Progress 128 

Agriculture 40,  147 

All  a  Sham 52 

As  You  Find  Him 152 

A  Champion 282 

A  Divorce 61 

A  Few  Reflexhuns 60 

A  Generous  Offer 81 

A  Great  Gain 143 

A  Heathen  Body 79 

A  Narrow  Escape 91 

A  Painful  Report 47 

A  Statesman's   Descent 68 

A  Word  to  Cranks 242 

Banks  and  Wood  Piles 219 

Beauties  of  the  Ballot 256 

Beyond  the  Vale 199 

Bouncing  Brudder  Scott 25 

Brudder  Howker 295 

Can't  See  Why 36 

Champion  Poets 133 

Cussin'  De  Times 289 

Cum  Down 65 

De  Circus 179 

De  Comet 74 

De  Comin'  Power 98 

De  Good  Ole  Days 120 


viii  Contents. 

De  Good  Man 126 

De  Goneness H~ 

De  Sun  Do  Move 251 

f )e;ith's  Grip f)6 

Dread  Scott  Decision   • 142 

Eiulin'  Up 163 

First  Annual  Election 17 

Guess  Not 83 

Having  Fun 66 

He  Had  a  fucker 29 

How  Uncle  Pete  Died 122 

Human  Nature 103 

It  Doan'  Pay 150 

It  Must  Be  Crushed 49 

It  Pays  To  Be  Good 291 

Judge  Cadaver 89 

Junius  Henri  Bates 192 

Kilhvilliam  Smith 84 

Let  'Em  Divorce 238 

Mary  Jane's  Petishun 203 

More  Baseness 108 

Missing 187 

Nine  Horses  and  a  Dog 209 

No  Lunatics  Present 287 

No  Sore  Heel  Relief 213 

None  o'  Your  Business 129 

Not  a  Congreshunal  Body 22 

On  Terms 154 

On  the  Fence 1 74 

On  De  Wait 34 

Only  Sons,  a  Protest 139 

Prof.  Artichoke  Huggins 286 

Sartin  People 157 

Serene  Toots 107 

Silent  Sorrows 95 

Sign  "  X  " ' 229 

Some  New  Proverbs 24 

Some  Observations 134 

Some  Valuable  Relics 158 

Something  Was  Up 334 


Contents.  ix 

Striking'  De  Average 35 

The  Amende  Honorable 147 

The  Airy  Perkins 118 

The  Case  of  Smith 166 

The  Honest  Man : .  . 30 

The  Hon.  Solo  Bom  by 40 

The  Hon.  Standoff 44 

The  Influence  of  Music '. 278 

The  Lawyers 273 

The  Only  Reliable , 224 

The  Revised 105 

Thanks  and  Modesty •. 2<)f> 

That  Strange  Nigger 75 

Their  Dander  Riz 39 

To  Patriots 2(51 

Trapping  a  Hyena 271 

Valuable  Time Id!) 

Washington's  Camp  Chair 212 

Whistled  Fur  His  Dog 53 


ILLUSTRATIONS. 


FRONTISPIECE,  WITH  PORTRAIT  OF  M.  QUAD 

GIVE  ADAM  JONES  SETTLES  PATENT  OFFICE  SMITH . .  18 

BROTHER  GARDNER.  PRESIDENT  OF  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  ...  44 

HON.  WILLIAM  JOHNSON  ON  THE  COMET 74 

WHAT  MIGHT  HAVE  BERN 92 

SERENE  TOOTS  AS  A  ROMAN  BRIGAND 108 

BROTHER  GARDNER  IN  THE  BOSOM  OF  HIS  FAMILY 120 

THE  DEFEAT  OF  KYFUSTUS 149 

WAYDOWN  BEBEE 156 

DISTINGUISHED  MEMBERS  OF  THE  CLUB 178 

BROTHER  GARDNER  ANP  REV.  PENSTOCK.  . , 194 


BROTHER    GARDNER'S 

LIME-KILN   CLUB 


FIRST  ANNUAL  ELECTION. 

DELEGATES  to  the  first  annual  election  of  the 
Lime-Kiln  Club  began  to  arrive  on  Thursday,  and 
when  the  club  was  called  to  order  in  Paradise  Hall, 
at  7  o'clock  Saturday  evening,  378  honorary  mem 
bers,  representing  every  State  in  the  Union,  were 
on  hand  to  participate  in  the  exercises.  The  largest 
delegation  was  sent  by  Alabama,  consisting  of 
eighteen  members. 

Among  the  honoraries  were  sixteen  ex-judges, 
twenty-four  colonels,  seven  generals,  twenty-two 
elders,  eight  deacons,  thirteen  reverends,  ten 
majors,  twelve  captains,  six  trustees,  five  "squars  " 
and  thirty-eight  "hons." 

A  Reception  Committee  of  six  active  members 
was  constantly  at  the  landings  and  depots,  and  as 
fast  as  visitors  arrived  they  were  escorted  to  Para 
dise  Hall,  and  tendered  a  half  interest  in  a  water 
melon  and  a  pound  of  crackers. 

ON   THE   ISLAND. 

AT  11  o'clock,  A.  M.,  the  crowd  embarked  on  a 
steamer  for  Fighting  Island.  Such  had  been  the 
vigilance  of  the  Committee  on  Agriculture,  that 


18  THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

nothing  was  lacking  to  make  the  ride  enjoyable. 
Ice-water,  warm  water,  buttermilk,  lemonade,  root 
beer  and  ginger  ale  were  furnished  in  abundance; 
and  six  bushels  of  peanuts,  and  ninety-eight  water 
melons  contributed  to  the  general  harmony. 

While  no  special  provision  had  been  made  for 
amusements,  six  dog  fights  occurred  at  convenient 
intervals.  There  was  also  a  wrestling  match  be 
tween  Canterbury  Jones  of  Wisconsin,  and  Judge 
Holdback  Johnson,  of  Vermont,  in  which  the  Can 
terbury's  heels  flew  around  with  such  vigor  that 
two  dogs  and  a  delegate  from  Rhode  Island  were 
knocked  overboard. 

A  set  of  boxing  gloves  furnished  opportunity  for 
Giveadam  Jones  and  Patent  Office  Smith  to  limber 
up  a  little,  and  during  this  performance  Mr.  Smith 
was  knocked  into  the  middle  of  next  week,  and  did 
not  recover  consciousness  until  nearly  a  gallon  of 
first-class  lemonade  had  been  wasted  in  bathing  his 
head.  Jumping  and  wrestling  matches  were  held 
on  the  boat,  and  after  her  landing  at  Belle  Isle  there 
was  a  running  race,  a  sack  race,  and  various  other 
sports. 

The  following  prizes  were  distributed  to  the  suc 
cessful  champions: 

Judge  Holdback  Johnson,  champion  wrestler  by  a  large 
majority — A  water  melon  once  owned  by  Henry  Clay. 

Giveadam  Jones,  champion  boxer — A  photograph  album, 
worth  forty  cents. 

Regulation  Jones,  champion  jumper — A  linen  duster  which  can 
also  be  used  for  a  bootjack. 

Snowball  Piper,  champion  climber — A  hand-painted,  silk  em 
broidered,  double-action  wheelbarrow,  can  also  be  used  for  a 
hammock. 


GIVEADAM  JONES  SETTLES  PATENT  OFFICE  SMITH. 


THE    LIME-KILN   CLUB.  19 

Quite  Right  Hastings,  champion  runner — A  pair  of  No.  14 
Arctic  overshoes,  can  also  be  used  for  spare  beds  in  case  of  a  rush 
of  company. 

Evidently  Smith,  champion  gymnast — A  hand-sled  with  "Re 
member  Thy  Creator  "  painted  on  the  seat. 

DINNER. 

At  2  o'clock  the  multitude  sat  down  to  the  several 
long  tables  loaded  down  with  the  following  luxuries, 
nearly  all  of  which  were  contributed  by  the  liberal- 
hearted  citizens  of  Detroit: 


Beef, 

Mutton, 

Potatoes, 

Cabbage, 

Onions, 

Turnips, 

Mustard, 

Pickles, 

Vinegar, 

Green  Corn, 

Mustard, 

Pickles, 

Mustard,  More  Mustard, 

Bread,  Crackers,  Pickles,  Mustard, 

Coffee,  Mustard,  Pickles. 

Mustard,  Pickles,  Mustard. 

AFTER  DINNER. 

After  the  banquet  was  disposed  of,  the  games 
were  renewed  and  the  festivities  maintained  until 
nearly  sundown,  when  the  crowd  re-embarked  for 
home.  On  the  way  up  the  Rev.  Smith  lost  a  mouth 
organ  which  had  been  in  his  family  for  twenty-one 
years,  and  Judge  Calkins  fell  overboard.  The 
mouth  organ  would  not  float,  but  the  Judge  did,  and 
he  was  pulled  in  by  the  hair,  and  rolled  on  a  barrel 
until  he  recovered  his  usual  spirits. 

OPENING    SPEECH. 

At  the  hour  of  7:30,  Paradise  Hall  was  thrown 
open,  and  the  meeting  called  to  order.  The  follow 
ing  eminent  gentlemen  had  seats  on  the  platform: 


20  THE   LIME-KILN    CLUB. 

Gibraltar  White,  of  Arkansas;  Sozo  Smith  of 
Georgia;  Liberty  Brown,  of  Virginia;  Remem 
brance  Tracey,  of  Alabama;  Kinderhook  Taylor,  of 
New  York;  Industry  Keets,  of  Massachusetts,  and 
Vandyke  Peters  of  Canada. 

'•'You  am  crowded  togeder  on  dis  occashun  to 
hold  our  first  anyual  'leckshun,"  said  Brother  Gard 
ner,  as  he  arose.  "  A  little  ober  fo'  y'ars  ago,  seben 
men  an'  a  dog  met  at  de  Central  Market,  aroun'  de 
co'ner,  an'  organized  dis  Lime-Kiln  Club.  At  de 
nex'  meetin'  we  had  eight  men  an'  fo'  dogs,  an'  it 
has  kep'  gwine  on  dat  way  till  now  we  hab  a  mem 
bership  of  3,256  pussons,  sayin'  nuffin'  'tall  'bout 
dogs.  In  de  las'  y'ar  we  hav'  absorbed  twenty-two 
different  societies,  collected  ober  $2  000  in  cash,  los' 
five  members  by  death,  expelled  three  fur  unbehav- 
ior,  paid  out  $103  fur  de  relief  of  de  sick,  increased 
our  library  one-half,  added  much  to  de  interes'  of  de 
museum,  an'  am  now  runnin'  as  smoothly  an'  happy 
as  any  branch  of  de  gov'ment.  We  am  on  good 
terms  wid  ebery  department  of  de  guv'ment  'cept  de 
Interior;  we  jine  hands  wid  de  Concord  Skule  of 
Philosophy:  we  am  all  O.  K.  wid  leadin'  'strono- 
mers;  we  has  de  friendship  of  all  societies,  an'  our 
prosperity  am  all  dat  could  be  looked  fur.  We  has 
met  dis  evenin'  to  'lect  officers  fur  de  ensooin'  y'ar, 
an'  to  transact  odder  bizness,  an'  we  will  now  pur- 
ceed  to  de  work  in  hand." 

THE   PRESIDENCY. 

An  informal  ballot  was  taken  for  President,  with 
the  following  result: 

Brother  Gardner,  -        370 

Rev.  Penstock,        -  ,  -       J 


THE  LIME-KILN   CLUB.  21 

Pickles  Smith,     -  1 

Judge  Congo,  -  -        1 

Scattering,  5 

On  motion  of  Elder  Smasher,  the  election  of 
Brother  Gardner  was  made  unanimous,  and  the  old 
man  took  the  honor  in  a  well-chosen  speech  twenty- 
two  feet  long. 

The  following  is  a  list  of  the  other  officers  elected: 

Vice-President — Judge  Congo,  of  Tennessee. 

Treasurer — Way  down  Bebee,  of  Detroit. 

Secretary — Trustee  Fullback,  of  Detroit. 

Grand  Legal  Adviser — Magnesia  Jefferson,  of  Virginia. 

Honorary  Poet — Lazarus  Bunkers,  of  New  York. 

Grand  Chaplain — Rev.  Penstock,  of  Detroit. 

Keeper  of  the  Bear  Trap — Avaricious  Johnson,  of  Detroit. 

Librarian — Hon.  Goneback  Fisher,  of  Canada. 

Committees  were  also  appointed  on  Judiciary, 
Agriculture,  Fisheries,  Lighthouses,  Astronomy, 
Finance,  Harmony,  Pomology,  Botany  and  Encour 
agement  of  Vice. 

MUSIC   AND   POETRY. 

Judge  Congo  made  a  speech  of  ten  minute's 
length,  in  which  he  stated  his  belief  that  music  had 
done  more  to  keep  the  colored  race  happy  and 
peaceful  than  any  other  influence.  He  believed  in 
music  and  song,  and  the  Lime-Kiln  Club,  as  the 
representative  of  3,000,000  colored  people,  should 
hold  out  encouragement.  He  would  move  that  a 
premium  of  $20  be  given  each  year  for  the  best  song 
and  chorus  sent  in  by  the  composer,  and  he  would 
favor  any  move  to  put  music  in  the  hands  of  the 
masses. 


22  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

FISHING. 

Liberty  Brown  favored  fishing  as  well  as  music. 
The  art  of  fishing  was  yet  in  its  infancy.  He  had 
known  colored  men  to  fish  all  day  long  and  not  get  a 
nibble.  What  is  wanted  is  a  new  kind  of  hook — one 
which  will  bait  itself  and  pitch  right  into  hard  work 
while  its  owner  finds  a  shady  spot  and  goes  to  sleep. 

Speeches  were  made  on  various  other  subjects, 
several  songs  sung  by  the  Glee  Club,  and  it  was  on 
the  stroke  of  midnight  when  the  meeting  broke  up 
and  adjourned  to  a  barn  to  attack  a  barrel  of  lemon 
ade  and  112  watermelons. 


NOT  A  CONGBESHTJNAL  BODY. 

"!T  may  be  well  to  menshun  a  leetle  sarcum- 
stance  right  heah  an'  now,"  said  Brother  Gardner, 
as  the  next  meeting  opened,  "I  want  it  distinctly 
understood  dat  de  rules  of  Congress  doan'  govern  de 
purcedins  of  dis  club  only  to  a  sartin  figger.  Fur 
instance,  if  Calculation  King  and  Romance  Floyd 
should  make  use  of  dis  floo'  to  call  each  odder  liars 
an'  blackguards,  an'  to  make  a  display  of  muscle, 
an  apology  nex'  day  would  have  no  effect  on  dis 
club.  Kase  why?  Kase  de  two  members  wouldn't 
be  heah  to  apologize!  Dat's  de  remark  I  war  gwine 
to  set  fo'th,  an'  we  will  now  go  on  wid  de  reg'lar 
bizness." 

COMMUNICATIONS. 

A  letter  from  David  Field,  of  Lynn,  Mass.,  made 
inquiries  of  the  club  as  to  whether  the  rain-fall  in 


THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB.  27 

"  I  hope  you  will,  but  I  doubt  it.  You  had  ebery 
thing  to  lose  by  gettin'  drunk  de  fust  time.  You 
have  lost  character,  respect,  money  an'  standin',  an' 
dar's  leetle  hope  dat  you  will  see  any  reason  to  quit. 
We  kin  guard  agin  thieves  by  lockin'  up  our 
money.  We  kin  put  de  murderer  in  prison  an'  hab 
him  outer  de  way.  We  kin  expose  de  liar  an'  kiver 
him  wid  confusion.  But  de  drunkard — de  hog — de 
beest,  who  kin  trust  him?  Who  kin  believe  in  him? 
Who  wants  his  society?  Who  am  not  degraded  by 
walkin'  beside  him?  B rudder  Scott,  you  am  a 
bounced  man!  Your  name  will  be  crossed  from  our 
rolls,  you  will  be  refused  admission  heah,  an'  we 
shall  f urgit  dat  you  war  eber  numbered  wid  us.  Let 
us  now  attack  de  reg'lar  order  o'  bizness." 

PREPARING  FOR   A   PANIC. 

Waydown  Bebee  desired  to  call  the  attention  of 
the  President  to  the  fact  that  the  only  means  of 
egress  from  Paradise  Hall  was  a  single  door  which 
opened  into  the  room.  In  case  of  fire,  and  a  rush,  a 
calamity  might  occur  which  would  fill  hundreds  of 
Detroit  houses  with  wails  and  lamentations. 

"  De  President  has  had  dat  ar'  fack  in  mind  fur  de 
las'  six  months,"  replied  Brother  Gardner;  "an' 
now  dat  de  queshun  has  bin  called  up,  I  deem  it  my 
dooty  to  arrange  a  programme  to  prevent  accident. 
In  case  de  janiter  puts  a  stick  in  de  stove  dat  has 
bin  loaded  wid  powder,  or  some  of  dese  lamps  ex 
plode,  our  fust  dooty  will  be  to  try  an'  distinguish  de 
flames.  In  case  of  failure,  I  will  walk  out  of  de  hall 
fust,  followed  by  Sir  Isaac  Walpole,  Waydown  Be 
bee,  an'  Giveadam  Jones,  at  reg'lar  intervals.  De 
rest  of  you  kin  f  oiler  on  in  single  file,  an'  I  figger 


28  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

dat  not  a  coat-tail  will  eben  be  singed.  My  reasons 
fur  gwine  out  fust  am  dat  I  may  see  de  fire  engines 
when  dey  arrive,  an'  tell  de  men  whar  to  frow  water 
to  keep  our  safe  from  heatin'  its  contents." 

FALL  RATES. 

The  Committee  on  Modern  Philosophy  reported 
the  following  amended  scale  of  prices  for  the  fall 
season,  being  an  increase  of  fifteen  per  cent,  over 
summer  rates: 

For  whitewashing  an  ordinary  kitchen  ceiling  and 
carrying  away  a  cat  to  be  drowned,  fifty  cents. 
Where  there  is  no  cat  the  price  will  still  be  the  same, 
as  the  whitewasher  is  not  to  blame  if  the  family  has 
not  provided  itself  with  a  feline. 

For  blacking  an  office  stove  which  has  been  spit 
on  for  the  last  four  months,  twenty  five  cents. 
Where  the  stove  has  escaped  no  abatement  will  be 
made,  as  it  could  have  been  spit  on  as  well  as  not. 

For  blacking  stove-pipe  which  has  been  piled  up 
in  the  yard  all  summer,  seven  cents  a  joint,  with  an 
extra  charge  of  three  cents  for  wrinkled  elbows. 

For  whitewashing  a  board  fence  eleven  feet  high 
between  two  loving  neighbors,  the  charge  will  be 
thirteen  cents  a  yard.  If  they  are  not  loving  neigh 
bors  an  extra  twenty-five  cents  will  be  collected  on 
the  job. 

For  whitewashing  trees,  a  charge  of  ten  cents 
each,  irrespective  of  size. 

Where  gold-leaf  is  worked  in,  or  work  is  done  to 
imitate  the  old  masters,  the  price  will  be  $2  per  day, 
with  the  privilege  of  attending  any  dog  fight  occur 
ring  not  over  four  blocks  away. 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  29 

These  prices  are  to  be  strictly  adhered  to  by  all 
members  of  the  club,  and  any  cut  will  subject  the 
delinquent  to  a  fine  of  $300. 

SONG. 

The  hour  for  closing  having  arrived,  the  Glee 
Club  tuned  up  as  follows: 

De  gentle  spring  am  almost  here, 

De  sun  am  gettin'  high; 
De  snow  am  gently  slidin'  out, 

De  ice  begins  to  fly. 

In  thirty  days,  or  dar'  abouts, 

De  grass  will  take  its  green; 
An'  all  of  us  kin  slosh  aroun' 

In  April  mud  an'  rain. 

De  robin  will  begin  to  rob, 

De  blue-bird  will  feel  blue; 
De  crow  will  crow-bar  on  his  way, 

De  buzzards  buz  anew. 

Now  let  us  all  feel  proper  glad, 

An'  lose  no  time,  indeed; 
In  castin'  roun'  among  our  friends 

To  borry  onion  seed. 


HE   HAD  A   PUCKER. 

JUST  before  the  hour  arrived  for  opening  the 
meeting  Pickles  Smith  went  to  the  water  pail  to 
quench  his  thirst.  Judge  Cahoots  was  there  and 
had  possession  of  the  dipper.  Owing  to  the  fact 
that  he  is  in  the  habit  of  drinking  out  of  a  jug,  he 
consumed  so  much  time  that  Brother  Smith  said 
something  about  a  hog.  Then  the  judge  said  some- 


30  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

thing  about  a  baboon,  and  from  words  they  pro 
ceeded  to  kicks  and  blows.  The  judge  was  knocked 
over  a  bench,  and  Pickles  was  landed  with  his  head 
under  the  stove,  and  for  a  moment  a  general  row 
seemed  imminent. 

Elder  Toots  peeled  off  his  coat  and  uttered  a  war- 
whoop;  Samuel  Shin  danced  around,  and  even  the 
placid  Cadaver  Blossom,  who  is  considered  the  soul 
of  good  nature,  threw  down  his  hat  and  jumped 
over  three  red  stools  and  a  bench. 

But  in  two  minutes  all  was  over.  The  judge  held 
out  his  hand,  and  explained  that  the  peculiar  pucker 
of  his  mouth  obliged  him  to  drink  like  a  horse  with 
a  bit  in  his  mouth,  and  Pickles  took  the  proffered 
hand,  and  said  that  he  had  just  left  a  home  where 
the  old  woman  was  sick  with  the  mumps,  and  three 
children  were  whooping  around  with  the  measles. 

Both  were  deeply  grieved  and  heartily  ashamed, 
and  by  the  time  Brother  Gardner  reached  the  head 
of  the  stairs,  harmony  prevailed  by  a  vote  of  109  to 
nothing. 


THE  HONEST  MAN. 

"  IF  I  should  find  a  perfeckly  honest  man — honest 
in  his  expressions,  honest  in  his  dealings,  sincere  in 
his  statements— I  shouldn't  like  him!"  said  Brother 
Gardner,  as  the  meeting  was  called  to  order.  "  He 
would  be  a  lonesome  object  in  dis  aige.  He  would 
seek  in  vain  fur  companionship.  While  I  believe 
dat  honesty  am  de  bes'  policy,  I  doan'  look  to  see  it 
practiced  beyond  a  certain  limit.  When  I  trade 
mules  wid  a  man,  I  kinder  like  to  doubt  his  word. 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  31 

I  want  to  feel  dat  he  am  keeping  still  'bout  de  ring 
bones  an'  spavins,  an'  dat  de  beast  he  says  am  jist 
turnin'  fo'teen  y'ars,  will  nebber  see  his  twenty-first 
birthday  no  moar.  It  am  monotonous  to  deal  wid 
a  man  who  am  perfeckly  honest.  If  I  lend  a  man 
money  I  want  him  to  be  honest  'nuff  to  return  it,  but 
if  he  kin  trade  me  a-watch  worth  $3  for  a  gun  worth 
seben,  I  shall  think  none  the  less  of  him. 

"  If  men  were  so  sincere  dat  we  felt  obleeged  to  be 
lieve  whateber  dey  asserted,  we  should  hab  no  use 
fur  theories  an'  argyments.  When  I  gib  my  note  I 
expect  to  pay  it.  When  I  ax  a  man  how  he  would 
like  to  trade  his  wheelbarrow  fur  my  dog,  I'm  not 
gwine  to  inform  him  dat  Csesar  am  all  bark  an'  no 
bite,  an'  he  am  not  gwine  to  tell  me  dat  he  borrowed 
dat  wheelbarrow  in  de  night,  an  forgot  to  return  it. 
If  a  grocer  leaves  me  in  charge  of  his  sto'  Ize  gwine 
to  sot  fur  half  an  hour  beside  a  box  of  herrings  an' 
keep  my  hands  in  my  pockets  all  de  time.  Yet,  if 
dat  same  man  sells  me  a  pound  of  tea  he  expects 
me  to  try  an'  pass  off  on  him  a  half-dollar  wid  a 
hole  in  it. 

"  Continer,  my  frens,  to  believe  dat  honesty  am 
de  bes'  policy,  but  doan'  expect  too  much  of  so-called 
honest  men.  You  kin  trust  men  wid  your  wallet 
who  would  borrow  a  pitchfork  an'  nebber  return  it. 
You  kin  lend  your  hoss  to  a  man  who  would  cheat 
you  blind  in  tradin'  obercoats.  You  kin  send  home 
a  pa'r  o'  dead  ducks  at  noon-day  by  a  man  who 
would  steal  your  live  chickens  at  midnight. 

"  When  I  lend  my  naybur  Mocha  coffee  I  like  to 
wonder  if  he  won't  pay  it  back  in  Rio.  When  de 
ole  woman  buys  kaliker  on  a  guarantee  she  rather 
hopes  it  will  fade  in  de  washin', 


33  THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

"I  solemnly  believe  dat  de  world  am  honest  'nuff, 
jist  as  it  am.  When  you  gin  your  word  stick  to  it  if 
it  busts  de  bank.  When  you  do  a  job  of  work  do  it 
well;  when  you  make  a  debt  pay  it.  Any  man  who 
am  mo'  honest  dan  dat  will  want  you  to  cut  a  penny 
in  two  to  make  out  his  shilling;  he  will  ring  you  up 
at  midnight  to  return  your  mouse-trap;  he  will  take 
one  shingle  from  your  bunch  an'  offer  you  de 
one-hundredth  part  of  what  de  bunch  cost;  he  will 
borrow  your  boot-jack  an'  insist  dat  you  borrow  his 
wash-board  to  offset  it.  We  will  now  proceed  to 
bizness." 

PLEASE   ARREST   HIM. 

The  secretary  announced  a  letter  from  the  Hon. 
Occupation  Buckworthy,  of  Portsmouth,  Va.,  stat 
ing  that  a  colored  man  calling  himself  Judge  John 
Waterman,  and  claiming  to  be  an  active  local  mem 
ber  of  the  Lime-Kiln  Club,  was  in  that  city  dispos 
ing  of  photographs  supposed  to  represent  Brother 
Gardner.  He  sold  the  photographs  at  twenty  cents 
each,  and  claimed  that  the  funds  were  to  be  sent  to 
Liberia,  to  establish  a  mouth-organ  factory.  The 
photographs  represented  a  colored  person  with  a 
broken  nose,  a  squint  eye,  front  teeth  gone,  and 
ears  large  enough  to  throw  a  shadow  over  a  wall 
eighteen  feet  high.  Was  it  all  right,  or  was  the 
man  an  imposter? 

Brother  Gardner  was  jumping  two  feet  high  be 
fore  the  secretary  had  finished,  and  it  took  him  only 
four  minutes  to  write  and  send  out  a  telegram  ask 
ing  the  Portsmouth  man  to  arrest  the  imposter  if 
it  cost  $200. 

In  this  connection  it  may  be  well  to  state: 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  33 

1.  The    Lime-Kiln    Club    employs    no    traveling 
agent. 

2.  It  offers  no  chromos. 

8.  None  of  its  members  are  allowed  to  attach  their 
names  to  medical  inventions. 

4.  It  favors  no  scheme  to  build  observatories  in 
Liberia,  or  orphan  asylums  in  the  Sandwich  Islands. 

5.  It  publishes  no  dime  novels,  sends  out  no  hair 
dyes  and  has  no  Presidential  candidate  for  1884. 


UNPLEDGED  AND  UNCERTAIN. 

The  secretary  announced  a  letter  from  the  State 
Department  of  New  Jersey,  inquiring  if  Brother 
Gardner  favored  the  annexation  of  Canada  to  the 
United  States,  and  the  old  man  carefully  felt  of  his 
left  ear  and  replied: 

•'Dat's  a  subjeck  which  has  troubled  me  a  great 
deal,  an'  up  to  de  present  time  I  am  onsartin  and 
unpledged.  De  same  toof-brush  which  am  sold  for 
twenty  cents  on  dis  side,  kin  be  bought  fur  fifteen 
ober  dar.  If  we  annex  Canada,  we  kin  hab  cheap 
tooth  brushes.  On  de  odder  han',  de  same  rat-trap 
dat  we  sell  fur  twenty-five  cents  on  dis  side,  can't 
be  had  ober  dar  fur  less  dan  thirty.  If  Canada  an 
nexes  us  she  am  suah  of  cheap  rat-traps.  Dar  it 
am,  you  see,  an'  whether  we  should  annex  Canada 
or  Canada  annex  us  am  a  queshuii  which  I  cannot 
decide  to  my  own  satisfaxun." 

THE   MUSEUM. 

The  keeper,  of  the  bear-traps  and  director  of  the 
museum  reported  that  he  had  received  during  the 
week: 


34  THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

1.  A  bust   of    Andrew  Jackson   with    both  ears 
missing. 

2.  Plans  of  a  smoke-house,  drawn  by  old  Cato. 

3.  An  ink-bottle  supposed  to  have  been  used  by 
Mary,  Queen  of  Scots. 

4.  A  paper  collar  inscribed:     "  From  Diogenes,  to 
his  dear  friend  Smith." 

The  secretary  was  requested  to  return  thanks  to 
the  various  donors,  and  amidst  sweetest  harmony 
the  triangle  sounded  and  the  procession  moved. 


ON  DE  WAIT. 

"Patriots  of  de  nineteenth  century,"  began  the 
President,  as  Waydown  Bebee  finished  breaking  out 
a  pane  of  glass  with  his  elbow,  "  It  hez  pained  me 
to  obsarve  on  various  occashions  dat  de  cull'd  popu- 
lashun  of  dis  kentry  am  on  de  wait.  Dey  am  given 
to  sittin'  down  in  de  house  or  on  de  fence  an'  waitin' 
fur  de  good  time  comin'.  I  war  ober  to  see  ole  man 
Penny  las'  night.  He  ar'  on  de  wait.  He's  bin 
waitin'  fur  de  las'  fifty  y'ars,  an'  de  good  time  hain't 
got  'long  yit.  I  foun'  him  wid  the  raggest  sort  o* 
cloze  011  ye  eber  seed,  pockets  empty,  wood  gone  an' 
flour  out,  an'  de  way  he  looked  up  at  me  as  I  walked 
in  was  'nuff  to  bring  on  a  chill.  All  de  odder  folks 
roun'  him  had  work  an'  plenty  to  eat,  but  de  ole  man 
was  waitin'  fur  somebody  to  come  'long  an'  take  him 
out  to  hunt  a  job  in  a  keeridge,  an'  pay  him  fo'  dollars 
a  day.  He  ain't  de  only  man  'round  heah  who  am 
waitin',  stead  o'  gwine  out  an'  lookin'  fur  work;  I 
tell  you  dis  big  world  doan'  car'  a  copper  wedder 
such  men  starve  to  death  or  not.  Pe  world  owes 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUR.  35 

nobody  rmffin.  De  man  'spects  to  git  'long  an'  hev 
sunthin  to  eat  an'  a  place  to  live  hez  got  to  bounce 
aroun'  an'  let  de  world  understan'  dat  he's  on  de  git! 
If  any  well  man,  no  matter  what  de  culler,  walks 
dis  town  wid  an  empty  stomach,  it  am  his  own  fault, 
an'  I  hain't  gwine  to  fill  it  fur  him.  Now  let  de  pur- 
ceedings  purceed." 


STBIKIN   DE   AVERAGE. 

"What  I  was  gwine  to  remark,"  said  Brother 
Gardner,  as  the  back  end  of  Paradise  Hall  grew 
quiet,  "was  to  say  to  you  dat  the  pussoii  who  ex 
pects  to  in  joy  dis  life  mus'  make  up  his  mind  to 
strike  de  world  on  de  gineral  average.  He  who 
neglects  to  do  so  will  meet  wid  daily  sorrows  and 
dispintments. 

"Doan'  expect  dat  de  man  who  happens  to  agree 
wid  you  on  the  weather  am  sartiii  to  agree  wid  you 
on  politicks.  It  doan'  foller  dat  de  man  who  agrees 
wid  you  on  politicks  "will  feel  bound  to  accept  your 
kind  of  religion.  De  fack  dat  you  lend  a  naybur 
your  shovel  doan'  bind  him  to  lend  you  his  wheel- 
barrer.  He  who  looks  for  honesty  whar'  he  finds 
gray  ha'rs  will  be  as  sadly  disappointed  as  he  who 
argues  dat  an  old  coat  am  de  sign  of  a  thief  or  a 
beggar.  Put  faith  in  human  natur'  an'  yet  be  eber 
ready  to  doubt. 

"I  expect  to  meet  about  so  many  mean  men  in 
de  course  of  a  y'ar. 

"I  expect  de  summer  will  be  hot  an'  de  winter 
Cold, 


36  THE    LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

"  I  expect  to  have  chilblains  in  December,  an' 
shakes  of  de  ager  in  April. 

"  I  expect  dat  a  sartin  per  cent,  of  dis  world's 
populashun  will  lie  to  me,  steal  my  cabbages,  frow 
stones  at  my  dog,  and  hit  me  wid  a  brickbat  as  I  go 
home  from  de  lodge. 

"  On  de  odder  hand,  when  I  come  to  strike  de  aver 
age,  I  kin  put  my  hand  on  men  who  will  lend  me 
money,  go  on  my  bond,  speak  well  of  me,  an'  sot  up 
all  night  to  protec'  me. 

"  No  man  am  perfec'.  He  may  strike  you  at  first 
sight  as  werry  good  or  werry  bad,  but  doan'  decide 
until  you  average  him.  He  may  beat  a  street  kyar 
company,  an'  yit  be  honest  wid  a  butcher.  He  may 
crawl  under  de  canvas  to  see  a  circus,  an'  yit  pay 
his  pew  rent  in  advance.  He  may  lie  to  you  as  to 
how  he  woted,  an  yit  tell  de  truf  about  a  spavined 
hoss.  He  may  cuss  on  de  street,  an'  yit  be  a  tender 
father  at  home.  He  may  incourage  a  dog-fight,  an' 
yit  walk  a  mile  to  restore  a  los'  chile  to  its  parents. 

"Accept  no  man  fur  his  fine  talk — reject  no  man 
for  his  old  clothes;  stand  him  out  in  de  sunlight  an' 
average  him.  You  will  be  certain  to  fin'  sunthin' 
bad  about  him,  but  you  will  also  be  sartin  to  fin' 
sunthin'  good. 


CAN'T   SEE   WHY. 

A  communication  from  Winchester,  Tenn.,  stated 
that  sixty-three  colored  residents  of  that  town  had 
been  converted  and  baptized  within  the  last  three 
months,  and  yet  poultry  continued  to  disappear  with 
the  same  regularity  and  dispatch  as  before  the  re 
vival  began, 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  3? 

"  I  doan'  see  nuffin'  strange  'boutdat  case,"replied 
Brother  Gardner  as  he  scanned  the  letter.  "  Gittin' 
religun  an'  being  baptized  doan'  ginerally  affect  de 
appetite.  If  a  pusson  has  a  taste  fur  chickens,  its 
gwine  to  take  an  awful  shakin'  up  to  make  him  pre 
fer  salt  pork  or  corned-beef." 

AGRICULTURAL. 

The  committee  on  agricultural  reported: 

1.  That  the  spring  tramp  had  come  forth  and  was 
in  condition  to  make  a  summer  tour  of  1,000  miles. 

2.  Farmers  are   recommended  to  plant  a  larger 
area  of  melons,  and  to  locate  the  patch  at  least  half 
a  mile  from  the  house. 

3.  Seed  corn  which  has  been  kept  in  Saratoga 
trunks  behind  the  cook  stove  all  winter  has  escaped 
the  frost  and  promises  well. 

4.  Any  farmer  who  hangs  a  bell  on  a  harvest  ap 
ple  tree,  or  sets  a  bear  trap  around  his  smoke-house, 
or  places  a  spring  gun  to  guard  his  hen-roost  is  a  si 
lent  enemy  of  American  liberty. 

RESOLVED. 

Prof.  Tranquility  Hanover  then  offered  the  follow 
ing  resolution: 

"  Resolved,  Dat  in  case  a  circus  comes  'long,  an'  a  member  of  de 
Lime-Kiln  Club*in  good  standin'  can't  raise  de  necessary  wealth  to 
buy  a  ticket,  it  am  not  derogotary  to  his  character  to  crawl  under 
de  canvas." 

Giveadam  Jones  objected  to  the  resolution.  He 
always  began  saving  up  right  away  after  New 
Years,  and  by  the  middle  of  May  he  could  lay  his 
hand  on  a  half  dollar  to  go  to  the  stupendous  combi 
nation  of  world-renowned  celebrities. 


38  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

Pickles  Smith  hoped  that  no  such  resolution  would 
pass.  He  had  crawled  under  -the  canvas  without 
heing  seen,  and  he  had  crawled  under  and  had  his 
neck  broken  with  a  tent-pin,  and  in  both  cases  he 
had  a  feeling  that  he  had  derogatoried  his  character. 
The  best  way  was  to  carry  water  to  the  elephant 
and  get  a  free  ticket. 

Several  others  spoke  in  the  same  vein,  and  upon  a 
vote  being  taken,  128  voted  against  and  only  three 
for. 

THE   JANITOR. 

This  individual  submitted  a  bill  for  extras  amount 
ing  to  sixty-four  cents,  and  attempted  to  make  a 
speech  defending  the  Peruvian  policy,  but  his  bill 
was  cut  down  to  seventeen  cents,  his  speech  sat 
down  on,  and  he  fell  over  three  dogs  on  his  way  out. 

THE   MUSEUM. 

The  Keeper  of  the  Sacred  Relics  reported  that  he 
had  received  from  Dalton,  Ga.,  a  pair  of  cow-hide 
boots  left  in  the  neighborhood  by  De  Soto  when  he 
was  looking  for  the  Mississippi  river.  Also,  from 
Chattanooga,  a  relic  of  the  Aztecs  in  the  shape  of  a 
pipe.  He  recommended  a  new  lock  for  the  door, 
asked  to  be  reimbursed  for  a  bottle  of  ink  he  had 
purchased  with  private  funds,  and  was  given  leave 
of  absence  for  three  days  to  bury  his  uncle. 

THE  CLOSE. 

There  being  no  other  business  which  would  sour 
before  the  next  meeting,  Pickles  Smith  was  given 
leave  to  take  home  the  ice  left  in  the  water  pail,  and 
the  meeting  adjourned,  with  a  sweet  smile  illumi 
nating  every  countenance. 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  39 

THEIR  DANDER  RIZ. 

A  COMMUNICATION  from  M.  B.  Smith,  of  Cincinnati, 
conveyed  the  intelligence  that  he  was  a  member  of 
the  Bar  of  Ohio,  in  good  standing,  and  that  he 
would  be  glad  to  do  the  legal  business  of  the  club  by 
the  year  for  a  reasonable  compensation.  His  rates 
for  defending  members  of  the  club  were  given  as 
follows : 

For  defending  a  murderer,  $25;  a  burglar,  $20;  an 
incendiary,  $18;  a  bigamist,  $15;  a  horse-thief,  $15; 
an  embezzler,  $12.  For  defending  four  common 
thieves  in  a  heap,  and  proving  an  alibi  in  each  case, 
$50;  half  in  advance  and  the  remainder  in  thirty 
days. 

The  reading  of  the  letter  was  not  interrupted  by 
even  a  cough,  but  bushels  and  bushels  of  short  hair 
could  be  seen  trying  to  stand  up  straight  in  indig 
nation.  Brother  Gardner  had  a  dangerous  roll  to 
his  eye  as  he  got  up  and  began: 

"  Misser  Secretary,  you  write  to  dat  man  wid  de 
biggest  kin'  of  a  pen,  an'  in  de  plainest  language, 
dat  if  he  ever  strikes  dis  town  he'd  better  keep  cl'ar 
of  Paradise  Hall." 

REPORTS. 

The  Committee  on  the  Fisheries  reported  that  lit 
tle  or  nothing  had  yet  been  done  towards  introduc 
ing  whales  and  sharks  into  inland  waters,  and  that 
their  communications  to  Secretary  Evarts  in  regard 
to  this  matter  had  met  with  no  answers.  They 
were  perfectly  satisfied  that  both  whales  and  sharks 
would  thrive  and  do  well  in  Erie  and  other  lakes, 
and  that  their  introduction  would  greatly  enhance 
the  fun  of  taking  a  dive  off  a  lumber  pile  or  going 


40  THE   LIME-KILN 

out  for  a  sail  in  an  old  boat.  The  Secretary  was  in» 
structed  to  write  Mr.  Evarts  to  the  effect  that  he 
was  only  a  servant  of  the  public,  and  that  Mr. 
Hayes  would  not  be  the  next  president. 

NATURAL  HISTORY. 

This  committee  was  instructed  last  fall  to  investi 
gate  and  report  on  the  statement  that  native  game 
and  fowl  were  gradually  dying  out.  They  reported 
at  this  meeting  that  only  part  of  the  statement  had 
any  foundation.  They  had  found  quite  a  scarcity  of 
elegible  wild  cats,  deer  and  bear,  but  other  game 
was  on  the  increase.  They  estimated  the  following 
increase  in  round  numbers  of  the  animals  named  in 
one  year: 

Rabbits,        -  -     24,000,000 

Woodchucks,  -                                                                        6,000,000 

Possums,       -  3,000,000 

Chipmonks,  -                                                                       75,000,000 

As  to  fowls,  the  increase  in  hens  alone  is  estima 
ted  by  the  committee  to  be  at  least  55,000,000  per 
year,  not  counting  the  spring  chickens  which  mys 
teriously  disappear  every  dark  night  in  the  fall. 
Great  pains  have  been  taken  to  verify  those  figures, 
and  the  commissioners  of  agriculture,  stock-brokers 
and  candidates  for  the  Presidency  can  depend  upon 
them  in  making  up  their  semi-yearly  reports. 


AGRICULTURE. 

The  committee  on  the  internal  resources  of  the 
country  reported  that  they  had  been  unable  to 
secure  any  reliable  statistics  as  to  what  crops  flour- 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  41 

ished  best  on  side-hills.  Some  writers  had  seemed 
to  favor  buckwheat,  aud  others  had  partly  declared 
for  long-necked  squashes,  and  the  committee  had 
about  concluded  to  settle  on  onions. 

"Onions!"  added  the  chairman,  ''kinder  fill  in 
whar  odder  crops  hez  got  to  spread  out.  De  onion 
am  all  solid.  You  doan'  have  to  loose  anyfing  in  de 
peelin.  Ye  kin  bile,  fry,  roast  or  bake  it,  an'  de 
sensashun  am  right  dar  all  de  time.  De  onion  had 
radder  grow  wid  de  top  up,  but  am  perfectly  willin' 
to  go  'long  any  odder  fashion.  De  rain  doan'  hurt 
it,  de  sun  doan  affeck  it,  an'  de  frosts  can't  kill  it. 
Darfore,  dis  committee  am  inclined  to  go  heavy  on 
de  onion,  an'  let  de  tulip  an'  rose  take  car'  of  dem- 
selves. 

POLITICAL. 

Brother  Gardner  said  he  had  a  remark  or  two  to 
say  in  regard  to  the  coming  election,  and  he  said: 

"  Go  to  the  polls  airly;  git  right  away  from  dar 
jist  as  soon  as  you  hev  put  in  your  wote. 

"  Doan'  wote  but  once,  kase  de  second  wote  won't 
count  fur  unffin'. 

"  Doan'  stan'  aroun'  de  polls  talkin  'bout  de  hard 
winter  or  de  late  spring,  kase  'lection  hezn't  nuffin' 
tc  do  wid  de  weather. 

"Doan'  blow  aroun'  'bout  de  candydates.  Let  de 
candydates  do  dar  own  blowin'. 

"Doan'  mix  up  in  enny  fouts,  kase  fonts  am  none 
o'  yer  bizness,  an'  folkes  may  git  dar  ribs  broken. 

"  Doan'  try  to  make  eny body  believe  dat  de  salva- 
shun  of  dis  kentry  depends  on  de  success  of  your 
ticket,  fur  it  don't.  Dis  kentry  would  go  right  along 


42  THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

to  glory  if  dar  wasn't  a  ticket  put  up  from  now  till 
Halifax. 

"  Dat's  all.  Let  de  meetin'  be  abided  fur  one 
week." 

PETITIONS. 

Some  fifteen  or  sixteen  petitions  were  received 
during  the  week,  but  the  bundle  was  accidentally 
knocked  off  the  secretary's  table,  and  probably 
burned  up  by  the  janitor  when  he  built  the  fire. 
The  janitor  offered  to  make  affidavit  that  his  kind 
lings  consisted  of  two  old  ink-bottles  and  a  railroad 
map  of  Texas;  but  he  is  a  man  who  often  labors 
under  fits  of  absent-mindedness. 

NOT   ANY   FOR   THEM. 

When  the  bean-box  had  been  laid  away,  Way- 
down  Bebee  secured  the  floor  and  said  that  the  time 
was  not  far  away  when  all  men  annually  decided  to 
"swear  off  "  from  all  bad  habits,  take  a  vow  to  save 
money,  and  keep  a  diary  for  the  next  year.  He 
would  like  to  know  if  the  club  had  thought  of  tak 
ing  up  any  action  as  a  club. 

James  K.  Polk  thereupon  introduced  the  following: 

Resolved,  That  this  Lime-Kiln  Club  does  not  sw'ar  -off  from 
anything,  nor  save  an  extra  cent,  nor  keep  no  diary,  an'  dat  de 
fust  member  who  resolves  to  be  any  gooder  in  1880  dan  he  was  in 
1879,  be  fined  fifty  dollars,  an  de  cost  of  a  new  wood  box  fur  dis 
hall. 

"  Question "  was  called,  and  the  resolution  was 
adopted,  and  ordered  spread  on  the  minutes  of  the 
meeting. 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  43 

THE  SEASONS. 

A  communication  from  Harvard  College  requested 
the  President  of  the  club  to  explain  what  caused  the 
four  seasons  of  the  year,  and  after  some  hesitation 
Brother  Gardner  arose  to  reply. 

"  What  we  call  de  fo'  sezuns  of  de  y'ar  am  caused 
by  varus  causes,"  he  began.  "  De  sun  hez  consid'r- 
able  to  do  about  it,  an'  de  moon  helps  along  all  she 
kin.  I  doaii'  s'pose  dat  sickness  in  de  fam'ly  hez 
anyfin'  to  do  wid  de  changes  of  sezun.  I  s'pose 
dey'd  come  'long  'bout  de  same  anyhow.  De  sekre- 
tary  can  answer  to  de  effeck  dat  sickness  hez  nuffin 
to  do  wid  it,  an'  dat  de  winter  sezun  am  no  doubt 
caused  by  so  much  cold  wedder  comin'  down  all  of 
a  sudden." 

GUESS  NOT. 

Axletree  Jones  said  he  arose  to  defend  the  Ameri 
can  nation  from  the  aspersions  of  the  Canadian 
press.  He  had  lately  read  in  a  Canadian  paper  that 
this  nation  was  living  too  fast,  and  that  it  must 
soon  become  bankrupt.  Such  unwarranted  attacks 
on  his  native  country  thrilled  him  with  indignation 
clear  down  to  his  last  bunion,  and  if  the  press  of 
this  country  would  not  resent  them  he  would. 

"  Livin'  too  fast!"  As  he  repeated  he  drew  him 
self  up.  "  I  hez  worn  dis  same  paper  collah  free 
weeks.  Am  dat  livin'  too  fast?  Heah  am  a  west 
ober  ten  y'ars  ole  by  the  almanax!  Am  dat  dressin' 
to  kill?  Look  at  de  red  woolen  patches  on  de  knees 
of  dese  black  pants,  an'  tole  me  if  it  looks  as  if  this 
nashun  was  death  on  sto'  cloze?  Livin'  too  fast! 
Why  de  werry  ideah  am  imposturous!  Am  'taters 
biled  wid  de  hides  on  an'  pieced  out  wid  bacon  an' 


44  THE  LIME- KILN  CLUB. 

co'n  bread  livin'  too  fast?  On  behalf  of  de  Ameri 
can  people  I  protest!  On  behalf  of  dis  iiashun  I 
warn  de  Stait  of  Kennedy  dat  we  can't  be  sassed 
beyond  a  certain  pint.  When  dat  pint  hez  bin  pass 
ed  dar  will  come  a  demand  for  gore  an'  revenge." 

The  speech  was  received  with  great  applause,  and 
Satisfaction  Rice  next  took  the  floor  and  said: 

"  Civil  war  an'  its  horrors  am  to  be  deplored  an' 
shunned — but  if  she  mus'  come — if  we  mus'  resort 
to  de  force  of  arms  to  preserve  our  honor,  den  let 
us  resort!  Let  us  gird  on  de  armor  of  right,  an' 
march  forward  wid  brave  hearts.  He  who  sasses 
dis  nashun  sasses  de  Lime-Kiln  Club." 

It  was  then  resolved  that  this  nation  was  not  liv 
ing  too  fast,  and  that  Canada  had  best  beware,  and 
the  meeting  adjourned. 


THE  HON.  STANDOFF. 

"  GEM'LEN,  a  curus  anecdote  happened  at  de  cabin 
of  the  Hon.  Licurgus  Standoff  las'  nite,"  said  Broth 
er  Gardner,  as  the  janitor  lighted  a  fresh  lamp. 

''De  brudder  am  not  heah,  owin' to  resuns  to  be 
menshuned  a  little  f  urder  on,  an1  de  case  am  one  to 
which  de  attenshun  of  de  club  has  bin  called  by 
seberal  white  men,  an'  an  investigashun  demanded. 
De  facks  in  de  anecdote  seem  to  unwind  as  follows: 
De  Hon.  Standoff  was  about  to  retire  fur  de  nite. 
De  ole  woman  had  already  sought  de  downy  couch 
of  sweet  repose;  de  chill'n  were  dreamin'  of  apple- 
blossoms  an'  angels,  an'  de  cat  an'  dog  had  dropped 
down  behin'  de  stove  in  blissful  harmony.  Dar  was 
a  hot  fiah  in  de  stove.  De  Hon.  Standoff  lingered 


BROTHER  GARDNER,    PRESIDENT  OF  THE  LIME-KILN   CLUB. 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  45 

beliin'  to  injoy  de  refreshment,  an'  he  had  just  lean 
ed  ober  to  spit  under  de  front  doahs  when  sunthin' 
happened.  De  top  of  dat  stove  riz  up.  So  did  de 
ole  tea-kettle,  a  hot  brick,  an'  inoah  or  less  fiah. 
De  Hon.  Standoff  also  riz  up,  an'  got  out  doahs  an' 
yelled  '  murder  ! '  at  de  top  of  his  voice.  It  was  a 
riz  up  time  aroun'  dat  house,  an'  folks  say  dat  fam'ly 
was  de  wildest-lookin'  lot  o'  niggers  eber  seen  in 
Detroit.  Now,  den,  what  caused  dat  'sploshun?  It 
wasn't  gas.  It  wasn't  low  water  in  de  biler.  White 
men  say  dat  it  was  caused  by  powder  in  a  stick  of 
wood,  an'  dat  de  wood  didn't  belong  to  de  Hon. 
Standoff,  who  now  lies  in  bed  wid  blisters  all  ober 
him.  Was  it  powder?  Was  dat  powder  in  a  stick 
of  wood?  Did  de  brudder  incorporate  dat  wood 
from  some  surroundin'  nay  bur?  Let  de  members 
speak." 

Samuel  Shin  was  first  to  break  the  silence.  Ris 
ing  to  his  feet  with  a  blush  of  philosophy  covering 
his  face,  he  said: 

"  Bekase  dar  was  a  'sploshun  in  de  stove,  it  doan' 
foller  dat  dar  was  powder  in  de  wood.  'Spose  one 
of  de  chil'en  had  dropped  a  bottle  of  hoss-medicine 
in  de  fiah  befo'  goin'  to  bed.  I've  knowed  dat  wery 
thing  to  happen  in  my  own  house,  an'  whar's  de 
man  who  says  I  stole  wood  ? " 

"  If  I  war  to  be  axed  for  my  opinion  on  dis  sub 
ject,"  remarked  Waydown  Beebe,  as  he  took  the 
floor,  "  I  should  say  dat  dar  mought  have  bin  pow 
der  in  de  wood.  What  of  it?  If  de  Hon.  Standoff 
had  a  mind  to,  couldn't  he  put  powder  in  his  own 
wood?  Dar's  no  law  to  prewent  him,  De  white 
folks  ain't  de  only  folks  who  kin  put  on  style  an' 
plug  deir  stove-wood  wid  powder," 


46  THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

"I  fink  I  see  how  all  dis  hapened,"  said  Blackber 
ry  Williams,  as  Bebee  sat  down.  "Fur  instance. 
De  Hon.  Standoff  owns  wood.  He  sees. dat -woodpile 
growin'  smaller — meltiti'  away  like  he  had  six 
stoves  goin'  'stead  o'  one.  He  plugs  a  stick  wid 
powder.  He  furgits  which  is  de  stick.  It  finds  its 
way  into  his  own  stove,  an'  where  am  dat  stove  to 
day  ?  " 

None  of  the  other  members  seemed  inclined  to 
tackle  the  subject,  and  Brother  Gardener  said: 

"  De  Hon.  Standoff  am  hereby  acquitted  of  de 
charge  of  takin'  fiahwood  belongin'  to  somebody 
else,  but  de  Cha'r  feels  it  his  dooty  to  warn  de  brud- 
der  to  be  a  little  more  keerful  in  de  future." 


THE  HON.  SOLO  BOMBY. 

THE  above-named  gentleman,  who  was  on  a  short 
trip  from  his  home  in  Arkansas,  to  try  the  effect  of 
the  northern  climate  on  a  stiff  knee,  having  appeared 
at  Paradise  Hall,  was  invited  to  lecture;  and,  after 
being  escorted  to  the  platform,  he  placed  his  hand 
on  his  breast  and  began: 

''My  fren's,  I  did  not  arrove  heah  to-night  to 
make  a  speech.  I  simply  wanted  to  gaze  on  your 
hall,  congratulate  ebery  member,  an'  go  home  wid 
Brudder  Gardner  to  save  hotel  bill.  [Cheers.]  I 
should  have  jined  dis  club  fo'  y'ars  ago,  only  dat  I 
was  led  to  believe  dat  a  man  wid  a  glass  eye  would 
not  be  taken  in.  I  hev  diskivered  my  error  to-night, 
and  my  application  hes  been  filed.  [Cheers.] 

"  I  am  astonished  wid  the  Norf.  I  neber  saw  so 
ranch  land  to  de  acre  in  all  my  life.  White  folks  seem 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  47 

to  hev  plenty  of  money,  an'  ebery  cull'd  f am'ly  owns 
from  one  to  six  dogs.  I  am  also  highly  surprised 
an'  greatly  delighted  at  de  progress  which  you'uns 
hev  made  in  intelligence  an'  eddecashun.  Yester 
day  I  asked  a  cull'd  boy  not  ober  ten  y'ars  old  who 
diskivered  America,  an'  he  answered  Abram  Lin- 
kum  quicker'n  a  wink.  [Applause.]  Cull'd  men 
know  when  de  train  goes  out  jist  as  well  as  white 
folks.  Dey  keep  track  o'  eclipses,  comets,  freshets, 
an'  odder  excitin'  news,  an'  dey  om  a  long  ways 
ahead  of  de  Souf  on  dictionary  words.  [Cheers.] 

'  I'm  glad  to  see  all  dis.  No  thought  of  jealousy 
rankles  in  my  breast.  On  de  contrary.  May  de 
emblem  continer  her  indivisibility  until  the  unre 
warded  requisition  contests  de  apparent  reliability 
of  do  gondolier.  In  fact,  let  me  say  wid  Jefferson: 
'  Ignis  fatuus  hos  de  combat,  faux  pas  ex  abrupto  est 
modus  in  rebus,'  and  don't  you  forget  it !" 

For  a  minute  the  hall  was  as  silent  as  a  grave 
yard.  Then  Samuel  Shin  rose  up  and  whooped,  and 
cheer  upon  cheer  rolled  up  and  down  and  could  not 
be  suppressed  until  someone  outside  threw  a  turnip 
through  the  window  and  missed  the  Rev.  Penstock's 
liead  by  the  millionth  part  of  an  inch, 


A  PAINFUL  REPORT. 

CANESTOGA  JOHNSON,  of  the  Committee  on  Hered 
itary  Privileges,  arose  with  business  in  his  eyes  and 
announced  that  he  was  ready  with  his  monthly  re 
port.  Two  weeks  since  his  committee  had  been  in 
formed  of  a  dastardly  attempt  to  wrest  one  of  the 
most  cherished  hereditary  privileges  from  the  hands 


48  THE  LIME-KILN    CLUB. 

of  tlie  colored  race,  and  lie  had  sent  to  Memphis  to 
secure  all  particulars.  He  was  now  ready  to  report 
that  a  white  man  in  that  city  had  invented  and 
brought  out  a  machine  kno'wn  as  "  The  Dead  Give- 
Away."  It  was  an  explosive  torpedo  made  up  to 
resemble  a  spring  chicken,  and  its  position  on  the 
roost  at  night  was  so  natural  that  a  person  who  had 
eaten  10,000  hens  would  be  deceived.  It  had  been 
brought  out  on  the  quiet,  and  before  the  colored 
population  of  Memphis  knew  what  was  up  the  place 
was  full  of  shattered  constitutions.  Large  orders 
had  poured  in  on  the  inventor,  and  one  firm  in  De 
troit  had  telegraphed  for  3,000.  In  six  months  every 
hen-roost  in  America  would  have  its  torpedo 
chicken,  and  the  6,500,000  colored  people  might  as 
well  prepare  for  a  change  of  diet,  unless  something 
could  be  done.  He  would  urge  prompt  and  speedy 
action.  Every  day  of  delay  put  fifty  additional 
torpedo  chickens  on  the  market. 

"  I  hab  neber  said  dat  de  culPd  people  war'  eben 
de  wictims  of  suspishun  when  a  hen-roost  was  rob 
bed,"  replied  the  President;  "but  yet  it  seems  to  rne 
dat  dis  torpedo  bizness  orter  be  squelched.  Dey 
may  accidentally  go  off  an'  kill  all  de  hens;  dey 
may  blow  up  leetle  chill'en  who  go  out  arter  eggs; 
dey  may  'splode  while  we  am  whitewashin'  de 
fence;  dey  may  git  mixed  in  wid  de  poultry  at  de 
markets,  an'  be  de  means  of  seperatin'  fond  hus 
bands  an'  lovin'  wives.  De  Committee  on  Emergen 
cies  will  darfor'  meet  wid  de  Committee  on  Her 
editary  Privileges  to  take  such  axshun  as  am  deem 
ed  best." 


THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB.  49 

IT  MUST  BE  CRUSHED. 

THE  person  or  persons  who,  sometime  during  Fri 
day  night,  climed  upon  the  roof  of  Paradise  Hall 
and  tilled  the  chimney  with  old  hats,  straw,  boots, 
etc.,  are  hereby  warned  that  it  was  the  practice  of 
such  deviltry  as  this  that  brought  Capt.  Kidd  to  the 
gallows.  When  the  janitor  started  the  fire  the  hall 
soon  filled  with  smoke,  and  the  opening  of  the  meet 
ing  was  delayed  twenty  minutes  by  the  joke. 

The  roll  had  scarcely  been  called  when  Pickles 
Smith  offered  the  following: 

"fa-solved,  Dat  we  do  hereby  express  our  deep  indignashun  at 
dis  exhibishun  of  human  depravity;  and 

"Jtesolvcd,  Dat  we  ax  ourselves  wid  alarm  whar'  dis  infringe 
ment  of  de  rights  of  freemen  will  end;  and 

"Itetolved,  Dat  we  denounce  de  perpetrators  of  dis  appallin' 
outrage  as  outlaws,  imbeciles  and  orators  of  the  deepest  dye." 

The  resolutions  were  adopted  and  filed,  and 
Brother  Gardner  quietly  observed  that  this  fresh 
outrage  was  another  evidence  to  him  of  the  drift  of 
the  times  toward  barbarism.  If  the  chimney  on 
Paradise  Hall  could  be  choked  up  with  old  hats, 
what  was  to  prevent  the  City  Hall  from  being 
blown  up  by  the  same  gang?  It  was  a  spirit  which 
must  be  suppressed  and  crushed  at  any  cost,  and  he 
would  authorize  the  Secretary  to  offer  a  reward  of 
$500  to  any  person  who  would  capture,  convict  and 
send  the  perpetrators  of  this  fiendish  crime  to  State 
Prison  for  fifty  years. 

CANCELLED. 

The  President  announced  that  he  had  cancelled 
the  following  certificates  of  membership  for  reasons 
given; 


50  THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

No.  3084,  being  the  certificate  of  the  Hon.  Gona- 
wanda  Hooker,  of  North  Carolina.  Evidence  was 
furnished  the  President  that  Hooker  had  three 
wives  and  yet  ran  away  with  the  fourth. 

No.  5,1G3,  being  the  certificate  of  Col.  Hunter,  of 
Wisconsin.  Evidence  was  furnished  to  prove  that 
he  was  the  biggest  colored  liar  in  that  State. 

No.  0,062,  being  the  certificate  of  Elder  Rackabout, 
of  Kentucky.  The  Elder  was  convicted  of  stealing 
two  bags  of  flaxseed,  giving  up  a  mule  to  settle  the 
case,  and  then  hiring  a  man  to  steal  the  mule. 

AGRICULTURAL. 

The  Committee  on  Agriculture,  to  whom  had  been 
intrusted  the  query  from  Indiana:  "Are  we  ad 
vancing  in  agriculture  ? "  reported  that  they  had 
spent  seven  weeks  in  investigating  the  matter,  and 
were  quite  ready  to  answer  in  the  affirmative. 
Among  other  instances  of  progress  in  agriculture 
might  be  mentioned  that  of  hoeing  corn.  A  dozen 
years  ago  the  plan  was  to  lean  the  hoe  against  a 
stump  in  the_field  and  go  off  fishing.  It  is  now  done 
by  giving  a  chattel  mortgage  on  three  steers  and 
hiring  a  neighbor  to  do  the  work.  Ten  years  ago 
turnips  were  heaped  up  in  the  barn  or  cellar  and 
supposed  to  be  fit  food  for  only  cows  and  calves. 
To-day  they  are  carefully  wrapped  in  tissue  paper, 
laid  in  bureau  drawers,  and  are  considered  a  fit  diet 
for  even  a  Senator.  When  wiped  off  with  a  dish 
cloth,  and  scraped  with  a  butcher  knife,  they  fur 
nish  a  very  bracing  and  enervating  diet.  Progress 
had  been  made  in  plowing,  dragging,  reaping,  and, 
many  other  particulars,  and  the  committee  felt  safe 
in  saying  that  the  time  was  no$  far  distant  wheri  § 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  51 

farmer  could  sit  in  an  arm  chair  in  a  lager  beer 
saloon  and  raise  sixty  bushels  of  wheat  to  the  acre. 

WHERE   DUTY   ENDS. 

"I  am  in  receipt  of  a  query  from  Pittsburgh," 
said  the  President  as  he  displayed  a  letter,  "axin' 
me  wliar'  our  dooty  to  our  naybur  begins  an'  ends 
up.  To  be  nayburly  wid  a  naybur  am  one  of  de 
highest  and  greatest  principles  on  airth.  Our  dooty 
begins  when  we  let  his  chickens  scratch  up  our  gar 
den,  his  chiU'en  ride  our  gate,  an'  his  dog  chase  our 
cat  widout  complaint.  Our  dooty  ends  when  we 
have  lent  him  our  hoe,  shovel,  spade,  ice-tongs,  ax, 
sugar,  tea,  coffee,  milk  an'  butter,  and  he  has  for 
gotten  dat  he  owes  us  anythin'  beyan'  a  request  dat 
we  will  come  ober  an'  turn  grindstun  fur  him  to 
sharpen  a  crow-bar." 

INTERNAL   HARMONY. 

Giveadam  Jones,  Chairman  of  the  Committee  on 
Internal  Haraijony,  reported  a  sad  state  of  affairs 
existing  between  Pickles  Smith  and  Kyan  Jones, 
starting  originally  with  a  dispute  over  the  ownership 
of  twelve  feet  of  clothes  line.  The  members  had 
not  only  used  violent  language  towards  each  other, 
in  the  presence  of  a  grocer  who  sells  two  boxes  of 
sardines  for  a  quarter,  but  had  clinched  and  rolled 
in  the  mud,  and  solemnly  vowed  each  other's  de 
struction.  The  two  members  being  called  to  the 
desk,  it  was  discovered  that  the  piece  of  rope  be 
longed  to  neither,  and  Brother  Gardener  said: 

"  Gem'len,  I  doan'  ax  yer  to  fall  on  each  odder's 
neck  an'  shed  tears,  but  I  want  you  to  understan' 
dat  if  dis  gulf  ain't  bridged  ober  befo'  de  nex'  meet- 


52  THE  LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

in'  you  will  h'ar  sumthin'  drap.  As  de  case  stands, 
you  am  bof  fined  $5,  which  money  de  Treasurer  will 
place  to  de  credit  of  de  fund  to  purchase  silk  stock 
ings  fur  de  widows  of  deceased  cull'rd  poets." 

The  two  members  retired  to  the  ante-room  for  a 
short  time  and  returned"  to  report  that  all  was  joy 
and  harmony.  A  motion  was  then  made  to  remit 
the  fine,  which  was  carried,  and  the  reunited  pair 
returned  to  their  seats  and  lovingly  chewed  on  the 
same  bologna. 

THE   CLOSE. 

All  the  public  business  having  been  disposed  of 
the  Keeper  of  the  Bear-Trap  reported  everything 
clear  in  the  West,  with  a  tendency  to  skip  dividends 
on  railroad  stock,  and  the  meeting  broke  up  with  the 
Glee  Club  sweetly  singing  the  plaintive  melody  of 
"Old  John  Brown." 


ALL  A  SHAM. 

"  FELLER  Kentrymen,"  said  the  old  man,  as  he  laid 
down  his  stick  of  licorice  and  stood  up,  "  I  war  ober 
to  de  widder  Smith's  the  odder  eavnin'  to  see  if  she 
could  lend  my  ole  woman  her  wash-board  de  nex' 
day,  an'  de  widder  she  spoke  up  an'  said:  '  Misser 
Gardner,  dis  world  am.  all  a  sham.'  I  war  in  de 
co'ner  grocery  de  nex'  day,  an'  de  grocer  he  hove  a 
sigh  as  big  as  my  fist  as  he  leaned  ober  de  counter 
an'  said:  '  Misser  Gardner,  dis  world  am  all  a  sham.' 
I  was  blackin'  a  stove  fur  de  doctah  down  on  de 
co'ner  below  dat  same  day,  an'  when  I  got  frew  wid 
de  job  ho  drapped  a  quarter  inter  my  hand  an'  soft- 


THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB.  53 

ly  whispered :  '  Brudder  Gardner,  dis  world  am  all  a 
sham.'  Now,  gem'len,  all  dat  talk  am  cl'ar  hosh. 
De  world  am  all  right.  Who  says  de  hoss  am  a 
sham?  Who  says  dat  de  cow  an'  mule  an'  dog  an' 
de  cat  am  shams?  De  man  who  falls  down  finds 
solid  bizness.  De  man  who  buys  codfish  doan  get 
mutton  chops.  When  I  ax  fur  kaliker  dey  doan' 
gin  me  silk.  Once  in  a  while  we  may  f row  a  boot 
jack  at  a  cat  an'  hit  nuffin'  but  an  ash  barrel,  but  de 
world  in  gineral  am  plenty  good  'nuff  fur  de  kind  of 
people  who  put  in  deir  time  heah.  De  man  who 
scratches  his  back  agin  de  City  Hall  will  tell  you  dat 
de  world  am  all  a  sham.  De  chap  who's  wife  sup 
ports  him  by  washin'  an'  sewin'  feels  dat  de  world 
am  sham  all  ober.  De  noodle-head  who  sots  out  to 
captur'  de  public  wid  a  little  cane  an'  a  good  deal  of 
brass  is  no  sooner  stepped  on  dan  he  cries  out '  sham! ' 
till  ye  can't  rest.  I  doan'  wont  to  hear  dat  'spreshun 
aroun'  heah,  kase  it  won't  go  down  wid  men  who 
work  ten  hours  a  day  an'  pay  deir  honest  debts." 


WHISTLED  FUR  HIS  DOG. 

IN  opening  the  meeting,  Brother  Gardner  stated 
that  he  would  be  unable  to  do  much  talking,  owing 
to  the  condition  of  his  throat.  Three  or  four  days 
ago  he  was  advised  to  hold  a  brass  overcoat  button 
in  his  mouth  to  cure  the  earache.  In  whistling  for 
his  dog,  he  swallowed  the  button,  and  it  will  be 
some  time  before  his  throat  gets  over  the  strain. 


54  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

MERE   FORMALITY. 

The  Committee  on  Navigation,  having  been  in 
structed  to  report  why  the  term  "Honorable"  was 
used  in  connection  with  the  Common  Councils  of 
cities,  explained  as  follows: 

"As  nigh  as  dis  committee  could  1'arn,  de  use  of 
dat  word  am  descended  from  de  English,  an'  it  am 
used  in  mere  formality.  No  Common  Council  am 
honorable,  an'  no  one  expects  anything  honorable 
from  sich  bodies.  We  believe  de  word  should  be 
stricken  out  of  all  petishuns  an'  communicashuns. 
De  time  has  gone  by  in  dis  kentry  when  you  kin 
blind  a  man  wid  a  sheet  o'  white  paper." 

The  report  was  accepted  and  adopted,  and  the 
Secretary  was  instructed  to  erase  the  word  "honor 
able  "  from  his  next  official  communication  to  any 
Common  Council. 

NOTHING  SPECIAL  NEEDED. 

The  Secretary  further  announced  a  letter  from 
Indianapolis,  in  which  the  writer  asked  what  special 
qualifications  were  necessary  in  this  State  to  fit  a 
man  for  the  office  of  Justice  of  the  Peace. 

"  So  far  as  I  have  obsarved,"  replied  Brother 
Gardner,  "nuffin  speshul  am  needed.  No  justice 
am  required  to  know  anyfin'  of  law.  He  need  have 
no  character  fur  sobriety  or  honesty.  He  am  'spec- 
ted  to  decide  ebery  case  in  de  favor  of  de  plaintiff, 
an'  he  will  do  so  ebery  time  onless  afraid  dat  de 
defendant  will  appeal.  De  posishim  of  justice  of  de 
peace  am  one  which  any  one  kin  fill,  an'  which  few 
decent  men  hanker  arter." 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  65 

THEY   WILL   OBSERVE. 

Giveadam  Jones  offered  the  following  preamble 
and  resolution: 

"  Wh'aras,  George  Washington  was  de  Father  of  his  kentry, 
an'  could  not  tell  a  lie;  an' 

"  Wh'aras,  De  anniversary  of  his  birth  should  be  observed  by 
all  good  an'  patriotic  citizens,  wedder  dey  kin  tell  a  lie  or  not; 
now,  darefore, 

"  Resolved,T)a,t  de  Lime-Kiln  Club  sot  apart  de  22d  as  a  day  of 
feastin'  an'  rejoicin',  an'  gwiue  to  a  dance  in  deevemnV 

The  Rev.  Penstock  moved  to  strike  out  the  words, 
"  Gwine  to  a  dance  in  de  evenin',''  and  substituting 
the  words,  "Take  our  way  to  prayer-meetin'  in 
de  twilight."  But  he  was  voted  down  with  a  press 
ure  of  200  pounds  to  the  square  inch,  and  the  resolu 
tion  was  adopted  in  its  original  form. 

ASTRONOMICAL. 

The  Committee  on  Astronomy  submitted  their  reg 
ular  monthly  report  as  follows: 

Number  of  dark  nights  since  last  report,  twenty- 
two. 

Number  of  comets  discovered,  three;  but  too  far 
off  to  cause  any  run  on  the  bank. 

Lime-Kiln  Club  estimate  of  the  distance  to  the 
sun,  about  five  miles;  to  the  moon,  about  the  same. 

The  committee  further  announced  that  they  had 
changed  the  name  of  Venus  to  "  Sarah,"  of  Jupiter 
to  "Charles  Henry,"  of  Mars  to  "Andrew  Jack 
son,"  and  of  Saturn  to  "  Sam  Johnson."  Astrono 
mers  throughout  the  country  will  please  take  notice 
and  govern  themselves  accordingly.  Further 


56  THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

changes  will  be  made  as  spring  opens  and  the  roads 
improve. 

THEY    WERE   CONSIDERING. 

Waydown  Bebee  announced  that  he  had  received 
a  letter  from  Si  Doodlebat,  of  Pittsburgh,  complain 
ing  that  his  application  for  membership  had  been 
neglected.  Brother  Gardner  called  upon  the  Com 
mittee  of  Petitions  to  explain,  and  the  chairman 
said  that  he  had  been  investigating  the  character  of 
the  applicant.  He  had  written  to  the  Mayor  of 
Pittsburgh  regarding  the  petitioner,  and  the  infor 
mation  might  be  summed  up  as  follows: 

1.  He  wears  two  watch  chains. 

2.  He  carries  a  cane,  wears  an  ulster,  and  is  fol 
lowed  by  a  four-ounce  dog  wearing  a  red  blanket. 

3.  He  goes  to  the  postoffice  three  times  per  day 
and  loudly  inquires  for  letters — but  never  gets  any. 

4.  On  several  occasions  he  has  tried  to  pass  him 
self  off  as  a  member  of  the  Legislature. 

The  committee  having  discovered  that  he  was  this 
sort  of  a  man,  were  waiting  for  further  evidence, 
and  the  President  indorsed  their  action  and  told 
them  to  go  slow. 


EATH'S  GRIP. 

THERE  was  sadness  in  every  eye  as  the  members 
of  the  club  softly  filed  in  and  took  their  seats.  Each 
one  had  seen  the  crape  on  the  Hall  door,  and  each 
one  had  been  told  that  death  had  again  entered 
Paradise  Hall.  The  officers  moved  about  very  qui 
etly  on  the  platform  and  held  whispered  consulta 
tions,  and  the  voice  of  the  triangle  when  it  called  to 


THE   LIM1U-K1LS*  CLUB.  6? 

« 

order  echoed  and  re-echoed  like  the  notes  of  a  sad 
refrain. 

"Gem'len,"  began  the  President,  as  he  rose  up 
and  looked  down  the  Hall  at  the  vacant  seat  bedeck 
ed  with  crape,  "anoder  soldier  hez  gone  down  while 
fightin'  de  battle  of  life — anoder  member  of  our  club 
hez  listened  to  de  woice  of  de  bell  rung  on  de  f urder 
shore  of  time  to  guide  de  speerits  of  de  dead  across 
de  dark  an'  rapid  riber  dat  flows  'tween  life  an'  eter 
nity.  It  am  my  painful  dooty  to  inform  you  dat 
Brudder  Torpedo  Hunt  am  no  moah  on  dis  earth. 
He  passed  away  las'  night  arter  an  illness  of  only 
free  days.  A  week  ago  he  sot  in  dat  cheer  dar'  an' 
seconded  de  moshun.  To-day  he  am  ready  fur  de 
grave ! " 

There  was  a  sensation  in  the  hall.  Elder  Toots 
covered  as  much  of  his  face  with  his  hands  as  he 
could,  and  Pickles  Smith,  Trustee  Pullback  and 
Rosin  Johnson  looked  out  of  the  window  to  hide 
their  agitation. 

"Torpedo  was  our  brudder,  an'  an  airnest  worker 
in  de  cause,"  continued  the  President,  "  but  if  I  stan' 
heah  to  yulogize  him,  I  mus'  not  furgit  dat  he  liad 
his  faults.  If  de  truf  can't  hurt  de  livin',  it  can't 
harm  de  dead.  Torpedo  was  a  great  han'  to  git  up 
airly  in  de  mornin',  an'  to  work  hard  all  day,  but 
his  chill'en  went  bar'foot  all  winter  jist  de  same. 
He  was  kind  to  his  wife  an'  felt  bad  fur  de  poo',  but 
he  neber  played  yuker  widout  hevin'  two  extra  bow 
ers  up  his  sleeve.  He  didn't  git  drunk,  but  no  rail 
fence  had  any  bizness  widin  a  mile  of  his  cabin  in  de 
winter.  He  didn't  ingaige  in  rows  an'  riots,  but  his 
enemies  got  hit  wid  brick-bats  all  de  same.  We  saw 
him  at  church  on  Sunday,  settin'  a  good  'zample  fur 


58  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

d(3  young,  but  he'd  turn  in  nex'  day  an'  try  to  win 
de  big  prize  in  a  lottery.  It  was  about  half-an'-half 
wid  him.  When  we  say  dat  of  any  man  we  hev  hit 
him  pretty  clus.  When  we  hev  given  de  dead  all  de 
praise  dey  sought  to  gain  when  livin',  no  man's 
_mem'ry  kin  ask  fur  more.  Torpedo  was  up  to  de 
aiverage,  an'  he  am  dead.  What  ackshun  will  de 
club  take?" 

Sir  Isaac  Walpole  moved  a  committee  of  four  to 
prepare  resolutions  of  respect  to  be  presented  to  the 
widow,  and  such  a  committee  was  appointed. 

Way  down  Bebee  moved  that  the  Club  take  charge 
of  the  funeral,  and  march  in  procession  to  the  grave, 
and  the  same  was  adopted. 

The  Hon.  Juneberry  Killfish  said  that  he  was  with 
the  deceased  in  his  last  hours,  and  that  Brother  Tor 
pedo  asked  for  and  ate  nearly  a  pound  of  beefsteak 
half  an  hour  before  he  died,  and  that  he  seemed 
worried  for  fear  that  his  dog  would  be  misused  after 
he  was  gone. 

Several  other  speeches  bearing  on  the  character  of 
the  deceased  were  delivered,  and  it  was  then  resolv 
ed  that  out  of  respect  for  his  memory  the  regular 
business  of  the  Club  be  postponed  for  one  meeting. 
This  made  room  for  further  speeches,  and  Col. 
Damson  Brown  took  the  floor  and  said  that  life  was 
short  and  uncertain,  and  it  behooved  every  man  to 
have  his  house  in  order.  He  wanted  to  make  a  con 
fession  and  clear  his  conscience.  Six  years  ago  he 
poisoned  a  dog  belonging  to  Esquire  Smith,  of  Hast 
ings  street,  a  neighbor  of  his.  Both  were  now  mem 
bers  of  the  Club,  and  in  the  presence  of  all  he  would 
confess,  ask  forgiveness,  and  pay  what  the  canine 
was  worth. 


THE  LIME-KILN   CLUB.  59 

There  was  a  great  clapping  of  hands  as  he  sat 
down.  Then  Esquire  Smith  arose,  his  face  wreath 
ed  in  smiles,  and  he  replied  that  he  distinctly  re 
membered  the  dog  case,  but  that  the  Colonel  didn't 
owe  him  anything.  The  dog  hadn't  been  dead  six 
hours  when  he  killed  and  ate  the  Colonel's  goat  and 
stole  half  a  cord  of  his  wood,  and  he  thought  the 
thing  was  about  even. 

Major  Spoon-holder  wiped  his  eyes  on  a  red  napkin 
which  he  had  picked  up  somewhere  and  remarked 
that  all  had  to  die.  If  any  colored  man  thought  he 
could  escape  the  king  of  terrors  by  moving  to  Can 
ada  or  Oberlin,  he  was  greatly  mistaken.  He  would 
move  that  the  Club  sing  a  hymn. 

A   DOLLAR   BILL. 

The  Club  didn't  sing  one  all  the  same,  and  Samuel 
Shin  got  on  his  feet.  He  felt  contrite  and  broken 
up,  and  he  also  had  something  to  confess.  About 
three  months  ago  he  found  a  dollar  bill  in  the  Hall. 
He  knew  it  must  have  been  lost  by  some  member, 
and  yet  his  selfishness  and  dishonesty  whispered  to 
him  to  keep  it.  He  did  so,  but  now  the  owner  of  the 
bill  had  only  to  reveal  his  identity  and  his  money 
should  be  restored  and  his  forgiveness  asked. 

Brother  Gardner  crooked  his  finger  for  that  "Wil 
liam."  Sir  Isaac  Walpole  leaned  forward  and  held 
out  his  hands.  Waydown  Bebee  and  twenty-nine 
others  took  the  floor  in  chorus,  and  tried  to  say  that 
they  would  receive  back  their  lost  bill  and  grant  a 
free  pardon.  A  rapid  look  over  the  hall  and  a  count 
of  noses  showed  forty-seven  men  who  had  lost  a 
dollar  and  were  ready  to  forgive  Samuel  Shin.  He 
was  called  forward  by  the  President,  who  asked: 


60  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

"  Did  any  of  us  gem'len  drop  a  dollar  bill  on  dis 
floo'?" 

"We  did  !"  called  forty-seven  voices  together. 

"I  resign  my  claim,"  sighed  Brother  Gardner,  as  he 
looked  up  and  down  and  realized  the  situation. 

"Was  it  a  greenback  dat  you  losted?"  asked 
Samuel. 

Forty-seven  voices  wildly  answered  "yes  !  " 

"  Dis  was  a  Kennedy  bill  I  foun',''  softly  continued 
Samuel,  and  amid  an  awful  silence  he  returned  to 
his  bench. 

A  committee  of  three  was  then  appointed  to  draft 
an  inscription  for  the  tombstone  of  the  deceased,  and 
the  meeting  adjourned. 


A  FEW  REFLEXUNS. 

"DE  odder  night,  in  de  Club  library,  I  heard  a 
member  of  de  Club  grievin'  cause  he  wasn't  a  great 
man,"  said  the  President,  as  the  Hall  grew  quiet. 
"  It  am  nateral  'nuff  dat  we  should  all  want  to  git 
ahead.  It  am  not  onreasonable  in  any  man  to  want 
to  be  top  of  the  heap.  Preachers,  poets,  editors  an' 
lecturers  all  incourage  us  to  dig  'long  an'  strive  to 
carve  our  names  on  de  cupalow  of  de  temple  of  fame. 
An'  yit  what  a  holler  mockery  fame  am.  Dar  was 
Shakspeare.  He  had  de  toof-ache  same  as  a  com 
mon  man.  He  had  his  blue  days,  same  as  de  poor 
est  white.  De  rain  pored  down  on  him  same  as  on 
Samuel  Shin — he  fell  in  de  mud,  same  as  Elder 
Toots — his  grocer  wanted  cash,  same  as  mine.  Dar 
was  Byron  de  poet.  His  name  am  as  high  as  de 
steeples,  an'  yet  his  corns  ached,  same  as  Waydown 


THE  LIME-KILN   CLUB.  61 

Bebee's — butcher-carts  run  him  down,  same  as  Trus 
tee  Fullback — street  kyar  drivers  rang  de  bell  on 
him,  same  as  on  'Squar  Williams.  Dar  was  Queen 
'Lizabeth.  She  had  a  big  palace,  heaps  o'  waiters 
an'  lots  o'  cloze,  but  she  had  big  feet,  got  bald-head 
ed,  an'  couldn't  see  any  more  of  Niagery  Falls  for 
five  dollars  dan  my  ole  woman  did  for  two  shilling. 
Greatness  may  bring  store  cloze,  but  it  doan'  allus 
bring  happiness.  Fame  may  bring  a  house  purvided 
wid  a  burglar-alarm,  but  de  higher  de  fame  de  high 
er-  de  gas-bills.  If  greatness  comes  foolin'  around 
you,  cotch  him  by  de  coat  tails,  If  he  nebber  comes, 
be  content  widout  him.  A  home — wife  an  chilFen 
—plenty  to  eat — pew-rent  paid  an'  a  pig  in  de  pen, 
am  good  'nuff  fur  any  man,  an'  he  who  seeks  to 
climb  higher  am  jus'  as  apt  to  bust  his  'spender-but 
tons  as  to  git  dar.  Wid  dese  few  inflexshuns  on  de 
incontestancy  of  earthly  greatness,  we  will  now  dis 
band  ourselves  to  bizness." 


A  DIVORCE. 

Brother  Gardner  looked  down  upon  the  bald  head 
of  Sir  Isaac  Walpole  for  a  long  minute,  and  then 
began : 

"  Gem'len,  dey  say  dat  ebery  man's  house  am  his 
castle,  an'  I'm  de  las'  one  to  bring  up  a  brudder's 
domestic  matters  in  dis  Club;  but  de  tears  of  a  wife 
an'  de  hungry  wails  of  de  chill'en  am  crowdin'  me 
to  say  a  few  words  at  dis  meetin'.  Lat'  night  de 
wife  of  Brudder  Simcoe  Davis  knocked  at  my  cabin 
doah.  I  kicked  out  de  dog,  chased  out  de  cat,  frew 
de  boot-jack  under  de  bed  an'  my  boots  under  de  ta- 


62  THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

ble  an'  toled  her  to  come  in.  She  wasweepin'  like  a 
green  bay  tree.  My  ole  woman  helped  her  to  sot 
down  on  de  aige  of  de  wood-box,  an'  arter  de  fust 
convulshuns  of  grief  had  passed  away,  de  woman 
tole  us  dat  she  an'  de  chilPen  hadn't  a  bite  to  eat  in 
two  days,  an'  de  cook-stove  was  as  cold  as  a  crow 
bar.  Brudder  Simcoe  Davis  was  at  home  an'  in  de 
bes'  health,  an'  while  de  chill'ii  were  cryin'  fur 
bread  he  was  lyin'  on  de  floo',  perusin'  de  '  Life  of 
Kit  Carson '  an'  stoppin'  to  spell  out  all  de  big  words. 
I  went  ober  dare  an'  seed  it  wid  my  own  eyes.  I 
doan'  say  dat  he  has  broken  any  of  de  laws  an'  rules 
of  dis  Club,  but  I  do  say  dat  a  nigger  who  will  lump 
down  on  his  back  to  read  a  novel  when  de  fiah  am 
out  an'  de  cupboard  empty,  am  not  fit  to  sot  heah 
'longside  of  hard-workin'  men." 

"Hear!  hear!"  came  from  all  parts  of  the  Hall, 
and  in  about  two  minutes  Simcoe  Davis  was  divorc 
ed  from  the  Club  by  a  unanimous  vote. 

A  VISITOR. 

The  Janitor  having  made  known  the  fact  that  the 
Hon.  Robert  Beeson,  of  Washington,  had  arrived  at 
the  Hall  from  the  depot,  the  Secretary  was  dispatch 
ed  to  greet  him  and  bring  him  in.  Mr.  Boeson  is  a 
gentleman  of  fine  education  and  liberal  views,  and 
is  now  seeking  to  stir  up  his  race  on  the  subject  of 
discovering  the  East  and  West  Poles,  leaving  the 
North  and  South  to  be  found  by  the  white  folks.  In 
his  brief  speech  to  the  Club  he  stated  his  belief  that 
an  open  sea  existed  around  the  West  Pole — a  sea 
whose  waters  were  as  tranquil  as  a  meadow,  and 
tasting  like  gin  and  sugar  with  nutmeg  grated  in. 
The  bark  which  entered  this  sea  would  pass  over 


THE  LIME-KILN   CLUB.  .  63 

beds  of  purest  coral,  be  surrounded  by  mermaids, 
move  in  an  air  of  choice  flowers,  and  be  certain  to 
return  laden  with  diamonds,  rubies  and  pearls.  Mr. 
Beeson  was  soliciting  aid  to  enable  him  to  charter  a 
vessel  and  buy  provisions,  and  it  had  been  his  idea 
from  the  first  to  invite  at  least  two  members  of  the 
Lime-Kiln  Club  to  accompany  the  ship.  He  left  a 
subscription  paper  on  the  Secretary's  desk,  and  in 
less  than  an  hour  and  a  half  the  following  amounts 
were  subscribed: 

Samuel  Shin,  -     2c 

Waydown  Bebee,  Ic 

Elder  Toots.  -    Ic 

A   FAILURE. 

The  Rev.  Penstock  gave  notice  that  the  efforts  of 
the  Club  to  secure  a  law  to  abolish  brush-boys  in 
barber  shops  had  failed,  through  the  treachery  of 
the  State  Senator  who  had  the  matter  in  charge. 
This  Senator  had  solemnly  agreed  to  introduce  such 
a  bill,  but  he  had  at  the  last  hour  basely  turned 
about  and  sent  in  a  bill  making  it  obligatory  on 
every  barber  shop  in  the  country  to  employ  at  least 
two  brush-boys  with  a  fixed  fee  of  ten  cents  each. 
The  Club's  bill  for  the  better  protection  of  the  wood 
peckers  of  Michigan  had  also  failed  to  pass. 

COMMUNICATIONS. 

A  letter  from  the  Sixteenth  Assistant  Secretary  of 
State  at  Washington  asked  the  co-operation  of  the 
Club  in  preserving  to  future  generations  the  historic 
spots  of  Michigan.  Brother  Gardner  was  scratching 
his  head  and  re-reading  the  letter,  when  the  Rev, 
Penstock  arose  and  said: 


G4  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

"  Perhaps  de  worthy  President  of  dis  Club  doan' 
'zactly  know  what  dem  historic  spots  am.  If  so, 
I'll " 

"What!"  interrupted  the  President;  "I  doan' 
know  what  historic  spots  am!  Misser  Penstock,  do 
you  emagine  dat  I  was  brung  up  in  de  second  story 
of  a  cider  mill,  an'  dat  no  books  or  papers  war  prin 
ted  till  arter  you  war  bo'n  ?  " 

'•  I  simply  fro  wed  it  out  as  a  suggestion,"  was  the 
humble  reply,  as  the  brother  sat  down. 

"Doan'  frow  out  any  moah  digestions,  Misser 
Penstock!  When  de  time  arroves  dat  I  can't  pint 
out  all  de  historic  spots  in  dis  part  of  de  kentry,  I'll 
resign  my  posishun  in  dis  Club.  De  Secretary  will 
answer  to  de  effeck  dat  de  Club  will  help  preserve 
de  spots.  If  any  member  of  dis  Club  happens  to  run 
across  a  new  historic  spot  dat  I  doan'  know  of,  a 
postal  keerd  will  reach  me  at  my  house,  or  he  kin 
drive  up  in  a  coupay." 

LAID   ON   THE   TABLE. 

The  Secretary  announced  a  petition  from  Mary 
Jane  Crawford,  of  Detroit,  asking  the  Club  to  use  its 
influence  to  secure  the  right  for  women  in  this  State 
to  cast  a  ballot.  Opportunity  was  given  for  debate, 
and  it  was  discovered  that  Samuel  Shin  was  the 
only  member  present  who  favored  the  idea.  The 
petition  was  therefore  laid  on  the  table. 

THE   PENSION   BILL. 

The  Secretary  was  instructed  to  make  out  a  list  of 
colored  people  in  Detroit  entitled  to  increase  of  pen 
sion  under  the  new  law,  and  to  include  in  it  all  ex- 


THE   LIME-KILN  CLUR.  65 

soldiers  who  sprained  an  ankle,  fell  off  a  fence,  or 
were  afflicted  with  pains  and  aches  at  any  time  for 
ten  years  previous  to  the  war,  and  to  be  sure  to 
make  special  mention  of  the  case  of  the  widow  who 
claims  to  have  lost  three  husbands  in  the  battle  of 
City  Point. 


CUM  DOWN. 

"  My  dear  friends,''  began  the  President,  in  a 
voice  damp  with  pathos,  "I  doan'  want  ter  keep 
peggin'  away  in  dis  yere  Club  'bout  finances  all  de 
time,  but  de  weekly  colleckshuns  am  growiii'  mighty 
lean  of  late.  De  sum  total  in  de  hat  las'  week  was 
jist  'nuff  to  patch  one  o'  de  holes  in  de  roof,  an'  it 
wasn't  a  first-class  patch  eider.  Of  course  we  has 
got  a  few  hun'erecl  dollars  in  de  bank,  an'  of  course 
we  am  tidy  'nuff  in  heah,  but  de  only  way  am  to 
keep  fings  goin'.  I  doan'  say  dat  de  man  who  puts 
in  de  moas'  will  hev  de  biggest  crop  o'  taters  nex^. 
fall,  but  I  speck  his  onions  an'  mellyuns  will  turn 
out  mighty  fine.  Now  let  de  hat  purceed." 

The  hat  was  passed.  There  were  sixty-one  mem 
bers  in  the  hall,  and  the  collection  counted  up  nine 
teen  cents,  and  it  was  certain  that  Sir  Isaac  Walpole 
threw  in  a  dime. 

"  Gemlen,  if  it  takes  fifty-nine  men  to  frow  nine 
cents  into  a  hat,  how  many  minutes  will  it  take  me 
to  adjourn  dis  meetin'?"  asked  the  President  as  he 
looked  down  the  Hall. 

There  was  silence. 

The  soft  tread  of  cats  could  be  heard  on  the  roof. 


66  THE  LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

The  Elder  Toots  arose  and  said  that  there  must  be 
some  mistake.  He  meant  to  throw  in  a  quarter  at 
least,  and  he  thought  many  others  did,  but  when 
the  hat  passed  him  he  was  scratching  his  back  and 
wondering  when  the  next  run  of  sleighing  would 
come  along.  He  hoped  that  the  tile  might  come 
around  again. 

It  was  sent,  and  the  sum  total  amounted  to  over 
nine  dollars. 

<;I  tell  you,  de  way  to  cum  down  am  to  cum 
down,"  observed  the  President  as  he  finished  count 
ing.  "  Shingle-nails  an'  shirt-buttons  may  do  for 
de  church  hat,  but  dey  doan'  pay  fur  our  ker'osene 
an'  rent." 


HAVING  FUN. 

"  Seberal  letters  hab  come  to  me  doorin'  de  pas' 
week,  axin'  me  to  define  my  posishun  on  dis  queshun 
of  amusements,"  said  the  old  man  as  the  lamps  were 
turned  up.  "  Ebery  once  in  awhile  daram  a  yell  fur 
reform,  an'  sartin  men  an'  women  weep  an'  wail  ob- 
er  de  gineral  wickedness  of  de  world.  De  church 
pitches  into  de  theatre,  de  prayer-meetin'  whacks 
away  at  dancin',  an'  de  Sunday  school  teacher  tells 
de  little  boys  dat  de  circus  am  nex'  doah  to  perdish- 
un.  It  has  bin  my  opinyun  fur  de*  las'  fifty  y'ars 
dat  dis  was  a  wicked  world.  It  was  created  fur  a 
wicked  world.  De  Lawd  wanted  it  dat  may,  an'  he 
made  it  to  please  Hisself.  De  Scriptur's  states  dat 
wickedness  shall  abound  in  ebery  co'ner  of  de  land; 
dat  men  shall  murder  an'  rob,  an'  women  go  astray; 
flat  chill 'en  shall  deny  deir  parents  and  bnidder  turn 


THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB.  67 

agin  brudder.  All  such  fings  am  predicted  an'  to  be 
'spected,  an'  looked  fur,  an'  nobody  has  any  grounds 
to  howl  an'  weep.  If  dis  war  a  good  world  we 
should  have  no  need  of  preachers,  deacons  an'  Sun 
day  school  teachers.  Preachers  will  tell  you  dat 
man  am  imperfect,  an'  dat  de  Lawd  made  him  to  go 
astray,  an'  yet  dey  will  turn  aroun'  an'  wonder  dat 
he  am  not  goodness  biled  down. 

"  Deed,  gem'len,  but  de  only  better  world  dan  dis 
am  Heben  itself.  You  have  got  to  hunt  fur  wick 
edness  to  fin'  it.  You  have  got  to  prejudge  de  case 
if  you  can  make  wickedness  out  of  de  jokes  of  a  cir 
cus  clown  or  de  plot  of  de  ordinary  drama.  If  I  had 
to  praise  God  by  findin'  fault  wid  de  world  he  made 
an'  de  people  he  put  yere,  I'm  afraid  it  would  be 
faint  praise.  De  preacher  who  can't  go  to  de  thea- 
.tre  widout  feelin'  wicked  had  better  stay  away.  If 
he  wasn't  on  de  hunt  to  find  wickedness  he  wouldn't 
see  it  any  mo'  dan  de  rest  of  us.  Me  an'  de  ole  wo 
man  kin  go  out  an'  dance  Virginy  Reel  fur  fo'  hours 
an'  cum  home  wid  cl'ar  consciences  fur  family 
prayers.  We  kin  sot  down  to  keerds  an'  not  furgit 
to  be  honest  an'  charitable  an'  forgivin'.  We  kin 
go  to  a  circus  an'  come  home  an'  fank  God  dat  our 
lives  have  bin  spard  anoder  day,  an'  dat  we  am  still 
left  to  cumfort  de  sick  an'  forgive  de  errin'.  If 
gwine  to  sich  places  makes  a  preacher  feel  dat  Satan 
has  got  a  mortgage  on  him,  den  he'd  better  stay 
home. 

"  No  man  airnest  in  de  good  cause  wants  to  fight 
agin  human  natur'.  Man  am  a  social  bein'.  He 
likes  to  be  pleased  an'  amoosed.  Make  a  tombstone 
of  him,  an'  he'll  soon  hate  hisself.  When  I  see  a 
man  who  claims  to  be  too  good  to  watch  a  circus 


68  THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

purceshun  pass  'long  the  street,  I  neber  work  fur 
him  wiclout  de  cash  in  advance.  When  I  fin'  a  man 
who  am  down  on  amoosements,  I  doan'  work  fur 
him  at  all.  A  y'are  ago,  when  me  an'  de  ole  woman 
was  joggin'  ober  de  circus,  we  met  a  man  who  said 
we  war  gwine  straight  to  Texas.  He  said  he  would 
sooner  see  his  son  in  his  coffin  dan  in  a  circus,  an' 
he  scart  de  ole  lady  most  to  death.  I  kept  track  of 
dat  tombstone,  an'  in  less  dan  six  months  he  left 
town  widout  payin'  his  gas  bill,  water  tax,  butcher 
or  grocer,  an'  he  am  110  'ception  in  his  class.  Look 
out  fur  solum-faced  men.  Bewar'  of  de  men  who 
weep  ober  de  wickedness  of  a  world  made  so  by  de 
Lawd  fur  reasons  of  his  own.  Have  no  truck  wid 
men  who  neber  laff.  A  man  widout  faults  am  a 
man  widout  reason.  A  man  widout  wickedness  am 
a  man  widout  argyment." 


A  STATESMAN'S  DESCENT. 

"  IN  case  Brudder  Cinnamon  Carter  am  in  de  Hall 
to-night,  I  should  like  to  have  him  step  dis  way," 
said  the  President,  as  Pickles  Smith  got  through 
blowing  his  nose  and  Elder  Toots  secured  an  easy 
rest  for  his  back. 

The  member  inquired  for,  rose  up  at  the  back  end 
of  the  Hall  and  came  forward  with  a  look  of  surprise 
cantering  across  his  countenance. 

"Brudder  Carter,  when  did  you  jine  dis  Club?" 
asked  the  President. 

"  'Bout  six  months  ago,  sah.;' 

"  What  was  your  object  in  becomin'  a  member  ?" 

"  I  wanted  to  improve  my  mind.'' 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  69 

"  Do  you  fink  it  has  helped  your  mind  any?" 

"  I  do,  sah." 

"  Well,  I  doan!  In  de  fust  place,  you  has  borrow 
ed  money  from  ebery  member  who  would  lend  you 
eben  a  nickel.  In  de  nex'  place,  I  can't  learn  dat 
you  has  put  in  one  honest  day's  work  since  you  be 
came  one  of  us.  You  war'  sayin'  to  Samuel  Shin 
las'  night  dat  de  world  owed  you  a  livin'." 

"Yes,  sah." 

"  I  want  to  undeceive  you.  De  world  owes  no 
man  only  what  he  aims.  You  may  reason  dat  you 
am  not  to  blame  for  bein'  heah.  Werry  good;  de 
world  kin  reason  dat  you  am  to  blame  for  stayin'  in 
it  when  it  costs  iiuffin'  to  jump  inter  de  ribber. 
Brudder  Carter,  what  has  you  done  for  de  world  dat 
it  owes  you  a  livin'  ?" 

"  I— Ize— Ize— 

"Just  so!"  observed  the  President.  "You  has 
walked  up  an'  down,  an'  wore  cloze,  an'  consumed 
food  an'  drink,  an'  made  one  mo'  in  de  crowd  aroun' 
a  new  buildin'.  An'  for  dis  you  claim  de  world  owes 
you  a  livin'?  You  has  made  no  diskiveries,  brought 
out  no  inventions,  written  no  song  an'  held  no  offis. 
Not  500  people  in  de  world  know  of  you  by  name. 
You  can't  name  one  single  man  who  am  under  obli- 
gashuns  to  you.  You  eat  what  odders  produce. 
You  w'ar  out  de  cloze  odder  people  make.  An'  yit 
you  have  the  impudence  to  sot  down  on  a  bar'l  of 
dried  apples,  cross  yer  legs  an'  fold  yer  hands,  an' 
say  dat  the  world  owes  yer  a  livin',  an'  by  de  great 
horn  spoons  mus'  gin  it  to  you!  Brudder  Carter, 
look  at  yerself  a  few  minits  !  " 

"Yes,  sah — ahem — yes — I'ze  sorry,  sah,"  stam 
mered  the  member. 


70  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

''What  fur?  Sorry  kase  you've  bin  found  out? 
Sorry  kase  you've  entered  dis  Hall  for  de  las'  time? 
Brudder  Carter,  we  doan'  want  sich  men  as  you  in 
dis  Club.  De  world  doan'  owe  us  a  cent.  On  de 
contrary,  we  owe  de  world  mo'  dan  we  kin  eber  pay. 
De  man  who  argys  dat  he  am  entitled  to  any  mo' 
dan  what  his  brains  or  muscle  kin  aim  him  am  a 
robber  at  heart.  We  shall  cross  your  name  from  de 
rolls,  show  you  de  way  down  stairs,  an'  permit  you 
to  go  your  own  road  frew  life.  If  you  kin  make  de 
world  clothe,  feed  an'  shelter  you  fur  de  privilege  of 
seein'  you  hold  down  a  dry-goods  box  in  front  of  a 
sto'  which  doan'  advertise,  dat  will  be  your  good 
luck." 

Brother  Carter  thought  the  matter  over  and  deci 
ded  that  the  world  owed  him  a  place  in  Paradise 
Hall,  but  he  was  mistaken  again.  The  Committee 
on  Internal  Revenue  stepped  forward  at  a  nod  from 
Brother  Gardner,  and  the  expelled  member  only 
struck  the  stairs  twice  in  going  from  top  to  bottom. 


DE  OLE  MAN  LEE. 

"  LAS'  nite  as  I  war  gwine  pas'  McGuffy's  groc 
ery,"  solemnly  began  Brother  Gardner,  as  Samuel 
Shin  finally  got  through  pounding  the  stove,  "as  I 
war  gwine  pas'  McGuffy's  grocery,  dar  sat  de  ole 
man  Lee.  I  reckon  you  all  know  de  ole  man.  He 
sat  dar  on  a  box,  hat  on  de  back  of  his  head  an'  feet 
obstructin'  de  sidewalk,  an'  he  was  sayin'  to  de 
crowd  dat  de  present  greatest  need  of  dis  kentry 
was  an  increase  of  currency.  Las'  winter  all  he  got 
to  eat  cum  from  de  poo'master,  an'  all  de  close  his 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  71 

family  wore  cum  from  charitable  people.  I  doan' 
reckon  he  has  dun  one  squar'  day's  work  dis  hull 
season,  an'  I'm  quite  sartin  dat  his  wife  am  bar'fut 
an'  his  chill'en  hungry,  an'  yit  he  sot  dar  spoutin' 
'bout  de  needs  of  de  kentry  same  as  if  he  war  carry- 
in'  half  de  States  in  his  west  pocket. 

"  Let  me  say  to  you  all  right  yere  dat  none  of  you 
need  shoulder  yourselves  wid  any  responsibility  in 
regard  to  dis  kentry.  Jist  let  'er  slide.  If  she  runs 
off  de  track,  dat's  none  of  your  look  out.  I  know  a 
dozen  culPd  men  in  dis  city  who  am  continually 
worried  about  de  expanshun  or  contracshun  of  de 
currency,  free  trade  or  purtecshun,  an'  odder  quesh- 
uns,  an'  ebery  one  of  'em  am  ragged  an'  hungry. 
Doan'  you  lose  any  sleep  fur  fear  America  won't  git 
Up  right  end  fust  in  de  mawnin'.  All  you  have  to  do 
am  to  begin  work  at  seben  an'  leave  off  at  six,  an'  if 
de  kentry  busts  her  biler  you'll  have  sunthin  laid  by 
to  emigrate  on.  I  doan'  keer  two  cents  fur  de  politi 
cal  fucher.  Let  'em  contract  or  expand,  swell  or 
shrink,  nail  down  de  kiver  or  leave  de  box  open — I'm 
counted  out.  When  I  have  dun,  my  day's  work  an' 
got  my  pay  I  have  no  furder  claims  on  de  kentry. 
While  I  pay  my  debts  an'  obey  de  laws  she  has  no 
furder  claims  on  me.  We  will  now  enter  upon  de 
usual  reckless  programme  of  bizness." 

RESIGNATION   ACCEPTED. 

The  Secretary  announced  that  the  resignation  of 
Three-Ply  Hastings  had  been  handed  to  him  for  ac 
tion  by  the  Club,  and  Brother  Gardner  explained 
that  he  had  accidentally  overtaken  Mr.  Hastings 
one  evening  with  a  sack  of  flour  on  his  shoulder. 
He  claimed  to  have  won  it  at  a  raffle,  but  a  grocer 


72  THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

claimed  next  day  to  have  had  such  a  sack  taken 
from  his  door.  Three-Ply  could  not  describe  the 
place  where  the  raffle  was  held,  and  the  fact  that  he 
emptied  out  the  flour  and  burned  the  sack  as  soon 
he  reached  home  still  further  strengthened  the  sus 
picions  that  instead  of  winning  the  flour  at  a  raffle  he 
had  found  it  hanging  to  the  limb  of  one  of  the  ma 
ples  in  the  park.  His  resignation  had,  therefore, 
been  asked  for,  and  he  had  been  invited  to  make  a 
defense.  Not  beftig  present,  was  considered  an  evi 
dence  of  a  desire  on  his  part  to  work  his  own  cor 
ners  in  flour,  and  the  resignation  was  accepted  by  a 
unanimous  vote. 

HOW  TO  GET  EVEN. 

Elder  toots,  after  a  brief  but  earnest  conference 
with  Giveadam  Jones,  arose  to  make  a  personal 
statement.  He  said  he  had  taken  two  shirts  to  Wah 
Hap,  a  Chinese  laundryman,  to  be  washed  and 
ironed,  but  that  Celestial  had  perversely,  if  not  in 
dignantly,  refused  to  do  the  work,  presumably  on 
account  of  the  Elder's  color.  He  now  sternly  de 
manded  to  know  whether  a  Chinaman  was  better 
than  a  colored  man.  If  so,  he  wanted  to  die  of  a 
tape-worm  and  be  buried  under  a  swamp- elm.  If 
not,  then  old  as  he  was,  and  as  much  as  he  deplored 
blood-shed,  he  would  ask  the  Club  to  sustain  him  in 
going  over  to  the  laundry  and  putting  a  head  on  the 
yellow-faced  barbarian  from  over  the  sea. 

"  Elder  Toots,"  replied  the  President,  as  he  sol 
emnly  scratched  his  ear,  "  de  queshun  as  to  wedder 
de  African  an'  de  Mongolian  am  de  bes'  man  am 
bound  to  cum  up  fur  discushun  in  de  near  f ucher, 
but  jist  at  de  present  time  I  reckon  de  bes'  way  fur 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  73 

you  to  git  eben  wid  dat  Chinaman  am  to  refuse  to 
whitewash  his  ceilins  or  blacken  his  stove.  Please 
sot  down  an'  go  to  sleep." 

SOME  NEW  RULES. 

The  Secretary  then  announced  the  following  new 
rules,  which  will  be  rigidly  enforced  until  further 
orders: 

1 .  No  member  shall  address  the  meeting  without 
having  both  shoes  on. 

2.  No  more  than  forty  dogs  will  be  allowed  in  the 
Hall  at  any  meeting.     The  other  fifty  or  sixty  shall 
be  tied  up  in  the  alley  or  left  in  the  ante-room. 

3.  Religious  or  political  discussions  between  indi 
viduals  will  not  be  allowed  while  the  meeting  is  in 
session. 

4.  In   rising  to  address  the  chair,  members  will 
face  the  chair. 

5.  Peanut-shucks,  apple-cores,  banana-rinds,    or 
ange  peels  and  other  foreign  substances  must  not  be 
thrown  about  when  there  is  a  question  before  the 
meeting,  as  a  member  who  is  hit  on  the  jaw  is  lia 
ble  to  have  his  attention  distracted. 

THEY   PARTED. 

The  hour  for  adjournment  having  arrived,  the 
janitor  reported  that  the  stove  had  broken  its  last 
leg,  and  four  new  cracks  had  lately  appeared  in  the 
bottom  plate.  He  was  instructed  to  confer  with 
some  scientific  men  to  see  if  some  solution  could  not 
be  prepared  to  draw  the  cracks  together,  or  if  there 
was  not  a  preparation  to  fill  such  crevices,  and  the 
procession  moved  down  stairs  to  the  tune  of  "Dad 
dy's  Coming  Home." 


74  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

DE  COMET. 

As  the  meeting  opened,  Brother  Gardner  announ 
ced  that  the  Hon.  William  Johnson,  of  Port  Huron, 
was  awaiting  in  the  ante-room  for  admission,  and 
on  motion  of  Assassination  Smith  the  Committee  on 
Reception  were  instructed  to  bring  him  in.  When 
the  duty  had  been  performed,  the  President  intro 
duced  the  visitor,  made  him  "welcome,  and  Mr. 
Johnson  led  off  as  follows: 

"  What  am  de  comet?  Who  is  she?  Which  is  it? 
What  am  he  heah  fur?  How  many  of  you  kin  an 
swer  dese  queshuns?  My  frens,  de  study  of  astron 
omy  am  full  of  intres'  an'  pleasure.  But  fur  astron 
omy  how  could  we  hev  known  dat  de  moon  am  peo 
pled  by  a  race  of  one-eyed  giants,  an'  dat  de  dis 
tance  to  de  sun  am  so  great  dat  if  we  was  to  sot  out 
an'  trabble  on  a  hoss-kyar  it  would  take  us  f  o'  weeks 
to  git  dar?  Astronomy  teaches  us  dat  de  atmos 
phere  in  de  planet  Jupiter  am  so  cl'ar  an'  transpar 
ent  dat  you  kin  see  a  hoss-fly  six  miles  away.  In  de 
planet  Mars  de  air  is  so  cool  dat  a  dead  dog  kin  be 
left  in  front  of  a  first-class  hotel  fur  nine  weeks.  In 
de  planet  Venus  it  am  allus  good  weather  fur  goin' 
a-fishin',  an'  de  air  am  so  bracin'  dat  de  women  allus 
split  deir  own  wood.  De  planet  Saturn  furnishes  its 
inhabitants  strawberries  an'  cream  de  hull  y'ar 
round,  an'  de  wery  bes'  kind  o'  lager  beer  kin  be  had 
fur  sixty-eight  cents  a  keg.  Way  back  in  de  dark 
aiges  nobody  knew  wedder  de  sun  was  ten  miles  or 
ten  million  miles  off.  De  sight  of  a  'clipse  skeered 
chilPen  into  fits  an'  made  strong  men  crawl  under 
de  bed  fur  safety.  De  stars  war' .supposed  to  be 
pieces  of  tin  nailed  to  de  midnight  air,  an'  men 
would  no  mo'  believe  dat  de  earth  turned  round  dan 


HON.    WILLIAM  JOHNSON   OF   PORT   HURON. 

' '  Whar  am  de  Comet  ?    Who  is  she  ? '" 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  75 

you  now  believe  dat  de  day  will  soon  come  when 
men  will  go  sailin'  frew  de  air  at  de  rate  of  two 
miles  a  minute. 

"But  I  doan'  wish  to  take  up  de  waluable  time  of 
dis  meetin',  an'  I  will  close  by  deservin'  dat  all  oc- 
cashuns  seem  supplementary  to  de  general  debility 
of  de  furlong.  Dar  am  no  mo'  reason  why  all  of 
you  shouldn't  agitate  generosity  of  de  sincerity  dan 
dar  am  fur  de  elocution  to  operate  disastrusly  against 
de  terribleness  of  de  octavo." 

Elder  Toots  cheered. 

Pickles  Smith  fainted  dead  away,  and  he  did  not 
regain  consciousness  until  Waydown  Bebee  ran 
the  cold  handle  of  the  water  dipper  down  his  back. 

Mr.  Johnson  was  taken  out  in  such  a  weak  and 
exhausted  condition  that  the  janitor  had  to  fan  him 
with  a  lump  of  coal,  and  run  around  the  corner  af 
ter  a  whisky  straight.  It  has  been  long  weeks 
since  Paradise  Hall  was  favored  with  such  a  tre 
mendous  oratorical  effort. 


THAT  STRANGE  NIGGER. 

"WHAT  I  was  gwine  to  remark,"  began  the  old 
man,  as  the  calcium  light  at  the  lower  end  of  the 
Hall  shone  full  on  his  clean  shirt  and  garnet  neck 
tie,  "am  to  de  effeck  dat  you  can't  depend  on  a 
man  till  you  hev  gone  ober  a  mill  dam  in  de  same 
boat  wid  him,  an'  eben  den  it  am  safer  to  keep  de 
doahs  locked.  I  am  led  to  dis  reflecshun  by  de  fack 
dat  about  fo'  days  ago  a  strange  nigger  knocked  at 
my  humble  doah.  He  was  a  meek  an'  humble  lookin' 
man,  an'  he  tole  me  a  story  of  woe  an'  misfortun' 


76  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

dat  almoas  broke  my  heart.  I  took  him  in.  I  fed 
an'  warmed  him  an'  felt  bad  fur  him.  Yesterday, 
while  I  was  out  lookin'  fur  a  job  fur  him,  he  dodged 
de  ole  woman  an'  made  off  wid  all  my  summer 
'skeeter-bars,  an'  I  heven't  cotched  him  yit.  De 
ideah  of  a  man  stealin'  'skeeter-bars  in  de  winter 
am  bad  'nuff  of  itself,  but  to  steal  'em  from  a  fanrly 
dat  had  warmed  his  heels,  clothed  his  back  an'  filled 
him  up  wid  bacon  an'  taters,  am  sunthin'  that  I  can't 
get  ober  right  soon.  I  shall  go  right  on  trustin' 
folkses,  same  as  befo',  but  in  de  sweet  bime-by  dar 
will  be  a  clus  board  fence  eighteen  feet  high  'tween 
me  an'  sich  people  as  can't  eat  two  meal  a  day  an' 
pay  a  hundred  cents  on  de  dollar.  We  will  now  en 
ter  into  de  reg'lar  concordance  of  de  meetin'." 

THE  AGRICULTURAL  COMMITTEE. 

The  Committee  on  Agriculture,  which  had  been 
requested  to  investigate  the  cause  of  the  scarcity  of 
apples  the  past  season,  reported  as  follows: 

"Dis  committee  was  in  correspondence  wid  seb- 
eral  pusons  who  know  all  about  de  fruit  bizness,  an' 
de  gineral  impression  seems  to  be  dat  de  scarcity 
was  due  to  de  fack  dat  de  trees  didn't  b'ar  many 
apples.  Why  dey  didn't  b'ar  was  owin'  to  de 
scarcity,  an'  dat's  all  we  could  find  out,  'cept  dat  it 
am  much  cheaper  to  eat  pop-corn  at  five  cents  a 
quart  dan  apples  at  forty  cents  a  peck.  You  doan' 
hev  to  frow  away  any  cores  when  you  eat  pop-corn, 
an'  your  committee  will  eber  pray." 

THEY   BEAUTIFY. 

Some  time  since  the  Committee  on  the  Preserva 
tion  of  Natural  Scenery  were  asked  to  investigate 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  77 

the  subject  of  barber-poles,  and  report  as  to  whether 
they  beautified  a  street  or  were  a  source  of  annoy 
ance  to  the  artistic  eye.  The  committee  now  sub 
mitted  the  following: 

"Dis  committee  buckled  right  down  to  bizness, 
an'  didn't  lay  off  an'  eat  oysters  on  de  half-shell, 
same  as  some  committees  dat  we  know  of.  We 
found  dat  of  all  de  signs  in  a  city  de  barber-poles 
am  de  freshest,  cleanest  and  brightest.  De  eye  dat 
am  lookin'  up  de  street  fur  a  saloon,  or  down  it  fur 
a  peanut  stand,  lights  on  a  barber-pole  an'  am  rested 
an'  relieved.  A  barber-pole  will  beautify  an  old 
shanty  or  adorn  a  marble  front.  It  looks  well 
wherever  you  put  it.  Dey  lay  right  ober  signs  of 
soda  water,  an'  knock  de  spots  off  of  signs  of  ice 
cream.  Dey  doan'  show  off  in  de  night  quite  as 
well  as  a  drug  store,  but  dar  am  no  smell  about  'em. 
Dey  doan'  quite  come  up  to  a  Fo'th  of  July  parade, 
but  dey  contain  miffm'  to  blow  up  de  public  or  set 
bildin's  on  fiah.  Dis  committee  decides  dat  barber- 
poles  am  useful,  ornamental  and  healthy,  an'  rec 
ommend  dat  dey  be  protected  by  de  laws  which  gov 
erns  de  high  seas." 

RED   PEPPER. 

The  report  was  no  sooner  ended  than  Pickles 
Smith  arose  and  demanded  to  know  if  members  of 
the  Club  could  be  insulted  in  open  meeting  with  im 
punity. 

"  Who's  been  insulted?"  asked  Brother  Gardner. 

"  I  hez,  sah;  an'  so  hez  de  odder  members  of  Com 
mittee  on  Astronomy!  Dis  report  jist  read  speaks 
of  a  committee  eatin'  oysters  on  de  half  shell.  Dat 
was  my  committee,  sah!" 


78  THJE  LIME- KILN  GLUB. 

"Well,  didn't  de  oysters  taste  good?"  innocently 
inquired  the  President. 

"  Dey  did,  sah,  but  dis  report  seems  to  refleck  on 
us — seems  to  cast  a  slur  on  our  reputashun  as  a  com 
mittee.  I  demand  an  apology,  sah!" 

"Pickles  Smith,"  said  Brother  Gardner,  "doan' 
neber  ram  de  bullet  down  afore  you  git  de  powder 
in.  Please  sit  down." 

Pickles  sat. 

THE   SICK. 

The  Chairman  of  the  above  committee  said  he  was 
glad  to  report  an  "unusual  wellness"  among  the  ac 
tive  members  of  the  Club.  There  was  no  one  on  the 
sick  list  except  Xerxes  Black,  who  tried  to  hold  the 
handles  of  an  electric  machine  until  a  bystander 
could  count  ten  hundred.  He  was  now  laid  up  with 
tickling  in  the  elbows  and  a  goneness  in  other  joints, 
and  the  committee  had  refused  to  reeOmmend  his 
case  for  relief. 

"De  committee  am  perfeckly  k'rect,"  replied  the 
President.  "When  a  member  of  dis  Club -goes  to 
foolin'  'round  wid  'lectricity,  he  takes  all  de  chan 
ces  an'  reaps  all  de  glory.  Let  Brudder  Black 
keep  on  ticklin'." 

HE  OBJECTED. 

The  Hon.  Celluloid  Johnson  now  arose  to  a  point 
of  order.  He  said  he  had  been  deeply  grieved  and 
pained  at  sight  of  a  weekly  spectacle  to  be  seen  in 
Paradise  Hall  ever  since  frosty  weather  set  in,  and 
he  could  stand  it  no  longer. 

"Misser  President,  look  up  an'  down  de  isles,"  he 
added,  as  he  waved  his  hand.  "Here  am  frteen 
members  wid  deir  boots  off  to. scratch  deir  chilblains! 


THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB.  79 

Am  dis  respectable  an'  polite  to  de  Club?  Am  it 
courtesy  towards  Paradise  Hall?  I  move  dat  each 
one  of  dem  be  reprimanded  or  fined." 

''KINDER  SYMPATHIZED." 

"Gem'len,"  began  Elder  White,  as  he  arose  with 
a  boot  in  his  hand,  "I  can  manage  to  sot  frew  a 
short  sermon  an'  keep  my  butes  on,  but  wrhen  it 
comes  to  puttin'  in  two  long  hours  in  dis  Hall,  I'ze 
either  got  to  scratch  dat  heel  or  take  chloroform!  I 
kin  stan'  a  head-ache,  de  toof-ache,  a  shake  of  de 
ager  or  a  hard  chill,  but  when  it  conies  down  to  chill- 
blains  I  can't  stand  'em  off." 

The  President  was  observed  drawing  his  own  heel 
across  the  boards  and  squinting  up  one  eye  as  he  re 
plied: 

"  De  chilblain  queshun  am  a  serus  one.  It  affects 
de  hull  foot.  It  takes  in  ebery  heel  in  America.  At 
some  fucher  time  we  will  give  it  de  considerashun  it 
deserves,  and  in  de  meantime  members  who  hev  to 
scratch  will  please  keep  deir  feet  down  an'  be  as 
quiet  as  possible." 

The  Glee  Club  then  sang  several  selections  from 
Mozart,  the  janitor  locked  up  the  water-dipper  and 
the  match-box,  and  the  meeting  was  carefully  ad 
journed. 


A  HEATHEN  BODY. 

THE  Hon.  L.  C.  Briggs,  of  Charlotte,  Mich.,  failed 
to  appear  last  week  as  advertised,  having  been  de 
layed  by  the  death  of  his  aunt.  His  presence 
was  now  announced  by  the  Keeper  of  the  Bear 


80  THE  LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

Trap,  and  he  was  escorted  to  the  platform  by  a  com 
mittee  of  three.  After  a  general  introduction  to  the 
Club,  he  began: 

"  Gem'len,  de  objeck  of  my  awovin'  heah  at  de 
present  time  am  to  warn  you  all  to  bewar'  of  de 
present  an'  all  future  Legislachures.  De  pop'lar 
ideah  am  dat  de  body  am  imposed  of  men  of  high  hon 
or  an'  noble  minds,  but  doan'  you  believe  it!  It  was 
stated  in  de  papers  dat  I  went  out  to  Lansin'  at  de 
front  end  of  de  present  seshun  to  secure  de  place  of 
head  nigger  of  de  cloak  room.  So  I  did.  Dey  haft 
to  have  one  dar,  an'  if  I  can't  run  a  hat-rack  as  well 
as  a  man  wid  a  mole  on  his  ear  den  I  want  to  die 
befo'  night.  Wall,  I  got  out  dar  on  time.  I  spoke 
to  Senators  wid  bald  heads  an'  all  odder  kinds,  an' 
dey  was  pleased  to  pat  me  on  de  back  an'  remark 
dat  I  was  fo'teen  rods  ahead  of  all  other  candydates. 
Dey  smiled  on  me;  dey  winked  at  me;  dey  said  dat 
providence  must  have  tumbled  me  down  dar  fur  de 
special  good  of  de  Senate.  I  walked  high  an'  was 
happy;  I  felt  suah  of  de  place,  an'  de  way  I  made 
common  niggers  stan'  back  was  tough  on  shoe 
leather.  But  am  I  bossin'  dat  cloak  room?  Am  I 
hangin' up  hats  an' bowin' befo' de  great  esquires? 
I  reckon  not;  but  why  not?  Kase  dose  baldheads 
sold  me  out  an'  gin  de  place  to  a  man  who  shows 
ebery  toof  in  his  head  when  he  bites  into  a  peanut. 
Dey  am  all  on  de  sell,  an'  de  truf  won't  stick  to  'em 
onless  nailed  on  an'  clinched  on  de  furder  side.  I 
warns  you  all  to  bewar  of  de  hull  crowd.  I  hear  dat 
de  Club  am  reck'niii'  to  go  out  dar  on  a  'scursion. 
Doan'  you  go!  Dey  will  smile  on  you  wid  one  elbow 
an'  knock  your  teef  down  your  froat  wid  de  odder!" 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  81 

A   GENEROUS   OFFER. 

"LET  a  pusson  do  what  am  right  an'  squar,  an' 
friends  will  riz  up  fur  him  on  ebery  han',"  said  the 
President,  as  he  fished  up  another  letter  from  his 
coat-tail  pocket.  "  Heah  am  a  letter  from  a  bizness 
house  in  New  York,  sayin1  dat  dis  Club  will  be  fur 
nished  all  de  French-plate  mirrors  wanted  by  mem 
bers  at  twenty  per  cent,  below  de  usual  price.  Dis 
am  a  dun  gone  savin'  of  twenty  dollars  on  a  hun 
dred,  or  one  hundred  dollars  on  ebery  five  hundred 
dollar  purchase.  We  can't  ax  for  nuthin'  better, 
an'  de  seckretary  am  requested  to  return  our  warm 
est  thanks." 

"It  strikes  me,"  began  the  Rev.  Penstock,  as  he 
solemnly  arose,  "  dat  not  moar  dan  seventeen  out  of 
twenty  members  of  dis  Club  will  eber  want  to  invest 
five  hundred  dollars  on  a  looking-glass." 

"Is  dar  a  queshun  befo'  de  house?"  mildly  in 
quired  the  President. 

"It  am  my  opinyun  —  "  continued  Penstock, 
when  the  President  interrupted: 

"  Is  dar  an  opinyun  befo'  de  house?  " 

The  Rev.  Penstock  sat  down,  and  called  up  a  vision 
of  a  seven-hundred  dollar  French  mirror  leaning 
against  the  white-washed  wall  of  a  negro-cabin, 
and  the  liberal-minded  epistle  was  filed  on  the  wire 
in  due  form. 

A   SOLEMN  WARNING. 

The  Committee  on  Claims  and  Accounts  submitted 
written  charges  as  follows: 

1.  That  Alexander  Goldsboro  Swipes,  an  hono 
rary  member  of  the  Club,  residing  in  Vicksburg, 
had  represented  that  the  Club  indorsed  his  new 


82  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

toothache  cure  and  corn  eradicator,  when  the  Club 
had  done  nothing  of  the  sort. 

2.  That  the  above-mentioned  person  has  falsely 
represented  himself  as  Way  down  Bebee. 

3.  That    he    has  contracted   debts,  and   had  the 
bills  sent  here  to  the  Club  for  payment. 

His  case  was  taken  up  under  a  suspension  of  rule 
three,  and,  at  the  finish  of  the  debate  Brother  Gard 
ner  said: 

"  De  seckretary  will  write  to  Misser  Swipes,  dat 
dis  Club  disanamously  rumpudiates  his  actions,  and 
dat  just  one  more  complaint,  even  if  no  bigger  dan 
a  free-cent  piece,  will  obviate  his  name  off  our  rolls 
widout  onnecessary  slowness.  He  will  be  held  up 
an'  shook  ober  de  yawnhr  gulf  of  corrpushun  as  a 
solemn  warnin'  dat  no  crookedness  am  allowed  in 
dis  Club,  even  on  a  call  of  de  eyes  an'  nose." 

COL.    CLARKE. 

The  distinguished  visitors  mentioned  last  week, 
could  not  remain  to  address  the  Club,  as  was  hoped 
for,  but  Col.  Clarke,  of  Kansas  City,  arrived  unex 
pectedly,  and  declared  his  willingness  to  deliver  a 
brief  address  on  the  subject  of  "  On  Time."  When 
escorted  to  the  platform  he  seemed  to  be  as  much  at 
home  as  a  major-general  three  miles  in  rear  of  a 
battle,  and  his  few  words  on  the  organization  and 
growth  of  the  Club  were  well  received. 

Time,  the  speaker  said,  had  considerable  to  do 
with  the  daylight  of  this  country.  If  some  sharp 
man  hadn't  thought  of  inventing  clocks  and  watches 
the  world  would  have  been  in  a  bad  muss.  No  one 
could  have  told  whether  it  was  yesterday,  to-day,  or 
day  after  to-morrow,  gome  people  would  have  been 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  83 

eating  breakfast  while  others  were  splitting  kind 
lings  for  night.  Some  men  would  be  starting  out 
for  a  day's  fishing  while  others  were  going  home  to 
get  ready  to  attend  one  of  Bob  Infidel's  lectures. 
Luckily  for  the  world,  time  had  been  invented, 
patented,  and  divided  up  to  suit  everybody  but  a 
man  with  a  bank  note  to  meet.  He  believed  it  was 
of  the  greatest  importance  that  every  man  should 
be  on  time.  Fortunes  had  been  lost  by  people  being 
two  or  three  minutes  late.  Kingdoms  had  been 
won  by  men  who  were  on  time.  The  Colonel  held 
that  even  a  murderer  going  to  the  gallows  should 
step  right  off  and  be  on  the  drop  at  the  right  tick. 
His  promptness  might  not  bring  a  reprieve,  but  it 
could  not  fall  of  exciting  the  admiration  of  those 
accustomed  to  having  dinner  at  12:30. 

When  the  Colonel  concluded  his  remarks,  Samuel 
Shin  presented  him  with  a  spring  bouquet  on  be 
half  of  the  Club,  and  a  resolution  was  passed  to 
escort  him  to  the  depot  in  a  body. 


GUESS  NOT. 

THE  Secretary  reported  the  following  inquiry  from 
the  office  of  Secretary  of  State  of  New  Jersey: 

"Are  the  barriers  of  American  liberty  being  gradu 
ally  demolished?" 

The  question  being  open  for  discussion,  Trustee 
Fullback  said  he  couldn't  see  any  signs  of  such  cal 
amity.  When  an  American  could  open  a  grocery 
in  one  end  of  a  building,  a  saloon  in  the  other,  and 
a  poker  room  up  stairs,  it  didn't  look  as  if  American 
liberty  was  in  very  great  danger, 


84  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

Samuel  Shin  said  he  had  carefully  studied  the 
subject  of  the  barriers  of  liberty  for  many  years 
past,  and  he  had  of  late  come  to  the  conclusion  that 
as  long  as  a  red-faced  young  man  could  blow  a  brass 
horn  all  the  evening  next  door  to  where  a  child  lay 
dying,  the  barriers  were  all  right  and  sound  as  a 
dollar. 

Giveadam  Jones  observed  that  he  had  also  kept 
his  eye  peeled  for  any  signs  that  a  central  govern 
ment  was  seeking  to  undermine  the  barriers  erected 
by  Washington  and  cemented  with  the  blood  of  pa 
triots.  When  an  American  could  sit  on  dry-goods 
boxes  all  summer  and  make  charity  support  him  all 
winter,  there  need  be  no  alarm  for  the  safety  of  the 
Republic. 

Several  other  members  spoke  in  the  same  vein, 
and  the  President  closed  the  address  by  saying: 

"  I  think  dis  Club  am  purty  well  satisfied  dat  de 
barriers  of  liberty  am  all  solid,  an'  on  behalf  of  de 
organizashun  I  feel  to  assure  de  kentry  at  large  dat 
all  de  rights  and  privileges  granted  by  our  fo'faders 
am  still  worf  a  hundred  cents  on  de  dollah.  Now 
let  de  Glee  Club  strike  up  dat  good  ole  air  '  Gwine 
Down  de  Lane',  an'  as  we  rush  fur  he  doah  it  will 
avoid  complicashuns  fur  all  to  remember  de  fust 
pa'r  of  obershoes  on  de  left  as  you  go  out  belongs  to 
me." 


KILL  WILLIAM  SMITH. 


"  What  I  was  gwine  to  remark,"  said  Brother 
Gardner,  as  the  siege  opened,  "  was  to  de  effeck  dat 
Kill william  Smith,  ginerally  known  as  de  '  Demos- 


THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB.  85 

thenes  of  de  South, 'am  now  waitin'  in  de aunty-room 
for  an  invitashun  to  deliver  his  orashun  011  '  De 
Great  Men  of  de  Past.'  He  has  come  heah  from 
Lynchburg,  Va.,  fur  dis  speshul  purpose,  pay  in'  his 
own  fa'r  part  of  de  way  an'  walkin'  de  rest  on  de 
railroad  ties,  an'  if  dar  am  no  objecshuns  we  will 
bring  him  in." 

"  Did  I  understan'  de  cha'r  to  say  if  deir  was  no 
dejecshuns?"  asked  the  Rev.  Penstock,  as  he  sud 
denly  popped  up. 

"  You  did,  sah." 

"  Dejeckshuns — ah.  Didn't  de  cha'r  mean  to  say 
if  deir  was  no " 

"Brudder  Penstock,"  interrupted  the  President, 
"when  dis  cha'r  says  dejeckshuns  he  doan'mean  in- 
fleckshuns,  direckshuns  or  defleckshuns.  De  las' 
time  you  interrupted  de  purceedins  of  dis  meetin' 
you  war  toled  dat  de  nex'  display  of  capfulness 
on  your  part  would  dissult  in  a  fine.  Painful  as  it 
am  to  me,  an'  as  much  as  I  feel  fur  your  wife  an' 
chill'en,  I  shall  repose  a  fine  on  you  of  $400  an'  costs. 
De  costs,  as  nigh  as  I  kin  figger,  will  be  about  $000. 
You  will  consider  yourself  impended  from  member 
ship  until  de  fine  am  paid." 

The  Rev.  sank  down  on  his  chair.  His  eyes  rolled, 
his  breathing  was  labored,  and  he  suddenly  fainted 
away  and  dragged  Napoleon  Shrewsbury  with  him 
to  the  floor.  During  the  excitement  eight  or  ten 
persons  received  the  contents  of  the  water-pail. 
Melon  rinds  flew  about  in  a  perfect  shower,  and  a 
cantelope,  which  struck  Ten  Thousand  Collins  be 
tween  the  shoulders,  broke  open  and  extinguished 
three  lamps,  and  knocked  down  the  grub-hoe  with 
which  Washington  crossed  the  Delaware.  Brother 


80  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

Penstock  finally  revived  and  bound  a  wet  towel 
around  his  head,  and  Colonel  Hi-Hi-Smith  arose  to 
make  a  statement.  He  was  intimately  acquainted 
with  the  pecuniary  resources  of  Brother  Penstock. 
His  earnings  the  past  year  were  exactly  $483.29. 
His  expenditures  were  exactly  $483.25.  The  balance 
on  hand  was  therefore  only  four  cents.  This  year 
the  balance  would  be  closer  still,  and  even  in  the 
best  year  to  come  there  was  no  hope  of  a  great  in 
crease.  Giving  four  cents  as  the  average  yearly  bal 
ance,  and  it  would  take  Brother  Penstock  about  250,- 
000  years  to  pay  his  fine  and  secure  his  restoration  to 
membership.  The  speaker  hoped  that  mercy  would 
prevail  and  the  fine  be  withdrawn.  After  a  brief 
consultation  with  Sir  Isaac  Walpole  and  Waydown 
Bebee,  the  President  arose  and  announced  that  he 
would  remit  the  fine  and  costs,  and  that  the  mem 
ber's  narrow  escape  from  being  killed  stone  dead 
would  be  a  great  moral  warning  to  him  throughout 
the  rest  of  his  day  s. 

DEMOSTHENES. 

The  Committee  on  Reception  then  donned  their 
red  neckties  and  escorted  the  great  orator  into  the 
Hall.  He  was  given  a  general  introduction  from  the 
platform,  a  glass  of  water  and  a  lemon  placed  at  his 
left  hand,  and  after  clearing  his  throat  and  adjust 
ing  his  necktie,  he  began: 

"  Whar'  am  Cicero?  In  de  y'ars  gone  by  de  world 
cheered  at  his  name.  When  he  recommended  any 
maker's  liver  pills  dem  pills  war'  considered  boss. 
When  he  acted  as  judge  at  a  hoss  race  no  man 
dared  appeal.  When  he  entered  a  street  kyar  every 
body  hitched  along.  When  he  rode  out  in  his  keer- 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  87 

idge  butcher-carts  turned  pale  and  took  a  back 
street.  De  newspapers  glorified  him,  de  public  ap 
plauded  him,  an'  banks  fairly  ached  to  cash  his 
checks.  But  whar'  am  he  to-day?  His  sweet  song 
am  silent;  his  dog  has  quit  barkin',  an'  eben  his 
name  am  forgotten  except  by  de  few  interested  in 
faro  an'  de  string-game.  [Cheers  by  Elder  Toots.] 

"Whar' am  Plato?  Ask  'em  at  de  toll-gate  an' 
dey  can't  tell  you.  Ask  'em  at  de  depots  an'  a  shake 
of  de  head  will  tell  de  sad  story.  Gone!  Gone! 
When  he  crossed  de  Rubicon  de  world  thundered 
with  applause.  [Applause  from  Samuel  Shin.], 
When  he  crossed  de  Alps  nations  trembled.  [Cheers 
from  the  back  end  of  the  Hall.]  When  he  wrote 
'Paradise  Lost'  de  world  wept.  [Suppressed  ap 
plause  from  Cassowary  Bottomlands.  ]  But  he  am 
passed  away.  De  blight  an'  de  mildew  struck  him 
an'  he  faded,  an'  only  now  an'  den,  as  you  see  a 
game  of  dominos,  do  you  h'ar  his  memory  referred 
to.  [Prolonged  cheers.] 

"  But  I  did  not  come  yere  to  take  up  the  time  of 
dis  meetin'.  [Applause.]  I  simply  desired  to  pre 
sent  you  wjd  a  few  gems  from  my  oratorical  album, 
an'  to  say  to  you  dat  yereaf ter  I  kin  be  found  at  2057 
Croghan  street,  dis  city,  where  I  shall  be  ready  at 
all  times  to  cuah  co'ns,  bunyons,  cracked  heels  an' 
so'  toes,  an'  deliber  my  full  lectur'  at  de  low  price  of 
twenty-five  cents  a  head — chill'en  free.  [Cheers 
and  applause,  and  a  fall  of  eleven  joints  of  stove 
pipe.] 

BEWARE  OF  HIM. 

When  quiet  had  been  restored,  the  Secretary  read 
a  communication  from  Happy  John  Franks,  of  Ver- 


88  THE  LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

million,  Marshall  Co.,  Ks.,  stating  that  a  one-eyed 
straw-paper  colored  man,  giving  his  name  as  Pick 
les  Smith,  had  been  in  that  vicinity  for  the  last  two 
weeks  collecting  money  for  the  erection  of  a  colored 
church  in  Michigan.  He  had  credentials,  but  hesi 
tated  and  exhibited  guilt  when  asked  how  many  of 
the  bald-headed  members  of  the  Club  wore  a  buck 
skin  plaster  on  top  of  the  head  in  fly  time. 

The  Secretary  was  instructed  to  reply  that  the 
real  Pickles  Smith  had  not  been  outside  of  Detroit 
for  a  year,  and  to  ask  the  people  of  Kansas  to  re 
ceive  the  base  imposter  in  the  way  he  deserves. 

VENTILATED   ENOUGH. 

The  Committee  on  Sanitary  matters  reported  that 
they  had  spent  thirteen  days  investigating  the  in 
quiry:  "  Do  the  colored  people  of  Detroit  appreciate 
the  benefits  of  proper  ventilation?"  The  committee 
rather  thought  the  colored  people  did.  Out  of  200 
houses  visited  180  had  broken  windows,  cat  holes  in 
the  roof,  and  door-panels  busted  out,  and  it  was 
pretty  plain  that  the  inmates  were  having  all  the 
ventilation  any  one  family  could  take  care  of. 

There  was  no  need  of  disinfectants.  Dead  cats 
and  decayed  vegetables  were  passed  from  yard  to 
yard  until  the  outskirts  were  reached,  and  the  pres 
ence  of  dogs  in  the  house  effectually  crippled  the  in 
jurious  effects  of  sewer  gas. 

THE   CLOSE. 

The  Keeper  of  the  Relics  reported  that  the  bear 
trap  and  other  articles  of  reverence  were  in  good  or 
der,  the  janitor  was  ordered  to  give  the  stove  pipe 
two  coats  of  paint  during  the  week,  and  the  meeting 
softly  adjourned. 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB  89 

JUDGE  CADAVER. 

"AM  Judge  Cadaver  in  de  Hall  to-night?"  softly 
queried  Brother  Gardner,  as  he  looked  down  the 
aisle  toward  the  stool  on  which  the  fat  and  juicy 
Judge  was  unanimously  reposing. 

"  If  de  Judge  am  in  de  Hall  he  will  please  step  dis 
way,"  continued  the  President,  after  a  moment  of* 
deep  silence. 

The  Judge  slowly  arose  and  meandered  forward, 
energetically  chewing  a  piece  of  slippery  elm  to  hide 
his  agitation. 

"Brudder  Cadaver,  I  have  a  few  words  to  say  to 
you  to-night,"  said  the  President,  as  he  looked  down 
upon  his  shiny  haldness.  "  De  odder  day  I  happen 
ed  to  pass  a  policy  shop,  an'  I  saw  you  gwine  in. 
Dat  same  evenin'  as  I  was  gwine  past  a  saloon  I 
saw  you  standin'  at  de  bar  wid  a  glass  of  whisky  in 
your  han'.  I  kin  also  recall  de  fack  dat  I  hev  not 
seen  you  at  work  for  de  las'  month." 

"  I  hasn't  bin  feelin'  strictly  well,"  pleaded  the 
Judge. 

"  You  war  well  'miff  to  play  policy." 

"I — I — didn't  put  up  but  ten  cents." 

"  An'  what  about  de  whiskey-drinkin'  ?" 

"  I  was  feelin'  powerful  weak,  sah," 

"  Too  thin — too  thin,"  replied  the  President,  as  he 
shook  his  head.  "  Now,  den,  I  want  to  spoke  to  you. 
In  some  respects  you  am  a  good  man.  I  doan'  be 
lieve  you  would  steal,  I  hev  never  cotched  you  lyin', 
an'  I  reckon  you  am  a  good  man  at  home.  Now,  if 
somebody  told  you  dar  was  a  gold  ring  in  de  bottom 
of  de  ribber  somewhar,  would  you  pay  ten  cents  a 
chance  to  fish  fur  it?" 

"No,  sah." 


90  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

"  Sartin,  you  wouldn't.  Policy  am  a  long,  wide, 
deep  ribber.  De  gold  ring  at  de  bottom  am  a  $5 
prize  which  some  poo'  critter  fishes  out  after  payin' 
ten  or  fifteen  dollars  fur  de  chance.  You  wouldn't 
f row  money  into  Lake  Erie  an'  'spect  to  git  it  back, 
but  you'll  frow  money  into  de  pond  of  policy  an' 
'spect  to  git  out  ten  times  as  much  as  you  tossed  in. 
Drap  it — drap  it,  Brudder  Cadaver,  bef o'  you  lose  de 
title  of  Judge  an'  get  dat  of  Fool." 

"  Yes  sah;  I'll  drap  it  to-once." 

"An'  you  drank  whisky.  De  man  who  goes  into 
a  saloon  am  no  better  dan  de  man  who  keeps  it.  If 
I  should  ax  you  to  put  your  foot  agin  a  hot  stove  you 
would  think  me  crazy.  An'  yit,  when  you  burn 
your  stomach,  befuddle  your  brain  an'  make  a  brute 
of  yourself,  an'  hev  to  pay  fur  de  privilege  besides, 
what  shall  I  think  of  you?  God  made  de  idiot,  but 
it  was  left  to  whisky  to  make  de  fool." 

"  I'll  nebber  tech  de  stuff  agin,  sah — nebber." 

"  An'  you  hev  big  loafin'  aroun'.  Brudder  Cadav 
er,  all  wickedness  begins  wid  laziness.  A  loafer  am 
as  much  despised  as  a  drunkard.  When  laziness 
comes  home,  pride  goes  away  to  visit  de  nayburs. 
Whisky  may  break  a  woman's  heart,  but  laziness 
will  freeze  her  to  death.  When  you  go  home  to 
night  spit  on,yer  hands  an'  ax  de  boys  to  grease  yer 
butes.  When  you  turn  outer  bed  in  de  mawnin', 
freeze  hold  of  de  ax,  or  spade,  or  brush,  an  hunt  fur 
a  job.  Dissolve  partnership  with  laziness,  cut  de 
acquaintance  of  whisky,  an'  de  next  time  you  am 
tempted  to  play  policy  come  ober  to  my  cabin  an' 
ax  me  to  kick  you  all  roun'  de  doah-yard.  You  kin 
now  sot  down." 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  91 

A  NARROW  ESCAPE. 

AND  still  another  fiendish  attempt  to  destroy  hu 
man  life  and  demolish  Paradise  Hall  must  be  record 
ed.  As  the  janitor  was  making  ready  for  the  Satur 
day  night  meeting,  he  opened  the  stove  to  take  a 
chew  of  tobacco  from  a  box  he  had  been  keeping 
there  since  it  was  decided  not  to  build  any  more 
fires.  To  his  horror,  it  was  discovered  that  some 
one  had  placed  a  two-pound  can  of  powder  in  the 
stove,  and  under  ordinary  circumstances  he  would 
have  started  a  fire  without  seeing  it.  The  result 
would  have  been  appalling.  Samuel  Shin,  who  al 
ways  sits  nearest  the  stove,  would  have  gone  out  of 
the  opposite  window  and  demolished  the  entire  rear 
end  of  a  second-hand  clothing  store.  Giveadam 
Jones  would  have  been  lifted  off  his  stool  and  dash 
ed  into  the  ante-room,  knocking  down  the  Keeper  of 
the  Pass-Word  and  utterly  smashing  a  jug  contain 
ing  five  pints  of  kerosene  oil.  Waydown  Bebee 
would  have  been  subjected  to  a  pressure  of  22,000 
pounds  to  the  square  inch,  and  under  this  terrific 
strain  he  must  have  gone  scooting  up  the  Hall  and 
plumped  dead  against  Sir  Isaac  Walpole,  mashing 
the  old  man  to  pulp  in  the  wink  of  an  eye.  Brother 
Gardner  would  have  been  blown  against  the  iron 
safe  containing  over  $700,  and  rebounding  from 
thence  he  would  have  struck  Elder  Toots,  killed  him 
stone  dead,  passed  close  to  Pickle  Smith's  ear,  and 
brought  up  against  the  chimney,  falling  to  the  floor 
a  lifeless  mass  of  dark-colored  clay.  Every  lamp 
chimney  would  have  been  broken — every  window 
demolished,  and  every  one  of  the  nineteen  joints  of 
stove-pipe  would  have  struck  a  separate  head  in 
falling.  Paradise  Hall  might  not  have  been  entirely 


92  THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

demolished,  but  it  would  have  taken  at  least  $13  to 
cover  actual  damages,  to  say  nothing  of  the  loss  of 
valuable  lives. 

THE  EYE  OF   PROVIDENCE. 

"  Let  dis  be  anoder  warnin'  to  you  dat  de  eye  of 
Providence  am  allus  watchin'  out,"  said  Brother 
Gardner  in  his  opening.  "  De  good  am  sartin  to  be 
protected,  while  de  bad  will  sooner  or  later  arrove 
at  some  awful  end.  Had  we  been  de  Common 
Council,  a  political  convention,  or  a  State  Legislature 
dat  fiah  would  have  been  built;  dat  powder  would 
have  gone  off,  an'  dis  Hall  would  have  been  de  pic 
ture  of  desolashun  an'  death.  De  janitor,  who  now 
receives  a  salary  of  seventy-five  cents  per  week,  will 
have  it  increased  to  eighty,  an'  in  fucher  his  seat 
will  be  under  de  bust  of  Andrew  Jackson.  We  will 
now  pass  de  water  an'  purceed  to  bizness." 

A  PETITION. 

The  Secretary  further  announced  a  petition  from 
twenty-four  colored  men  of  Richmond,  asking  the 
Signal  Service  of  the  United  States  to  give  at  least 
twenty-four  hours  warning  of  the  approach  of  earth 
quakes.  No  arrangements  have  been  made  for  re 
porting  earthquakes  at  all,  and  the  colored  popula 
tion  had  to  depend  on  luck  alone.  Brother  Gardner 
announced  that  the  Lime-Kiln  Club  would  indorse 
the  petition  and  forward  it  to  Congress. 

DELAYED   POETRY. 

The  Secretary  announced  that  he  had  received 
from  Prof.  Bagdad  Pratt,  of  Brownsville,  N.  Y.,  a 
poem  to  be  entered  for  the  Waydown  Bebee  premi 
um.  The  entries  had  been  closed  and  the  prizes 


WHAT  MIGHT  HAVE  BEEN. 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  93 

awarded,  but  on  motion  of  Pickles  Smith  the  Secre 
tary  was  instructed  to  read  the  poem  in  a  voice  full 
of  emotion.  He  therefore  read: 

ON   DE   NEGLECTED   GRAVE. 

By  de  co'ner  ob  de  melon  patch, 

Among  de  bloornin'  clover, 
I  sot  me  on  a  grassy  mound 

To  look  de  melons  ober, 
De  bee  was  buzzin'  in  de  sun, 

A  makiu'  ob  de  honey — 
De  skeeter  borin'  at  my  shin, 

As  if  he  worked  for  money. 

A  stirrin'  ob  de  melon  vines — 

De  win'  blew  from  de  souf ; 
An'  powerful  de  melons  pumped 

De  water  in  my  mouf . 
An'  den  I  think,  "  how  soon — how  soon, 

No  melons  I  see  shall — 
How  soon — how  soon  I  shall  not  hear 

De  buzzin'  ob  de  bee." 

Dis  darky's  fleetin'  bref  done  gone! 

(For  life  am  neber  long), 
De  melon-longin'  hushed — an'  hushed 

De  banjo  an'  de  song. 
Den  lay  me  in  de  groun'  right  heah, 

An'  let  de  skeeter  rave! 
De  melon  shuah  will  ripen  on 

De  poo'  neglected  grave. 

On  motion  of  Waydown  Bebee,  the  Secretary  was 
instructed  to  forward  the  thanks  of  the  Club, 
together  with  a  letter  introducing  the  poet  into 
the  best  society  in  the  principal  cities  of  the  Union. 


94  THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

IT  DOES  NOT. 

After  lowering  the  contents  of  the  water  pail  an 
inch  and  a  half,  a.nd  raising  two  windows  to  admit 
more  oxygen,  the  Secretary  announced  the  following- 
inquiry: 

GLENROSE,  TEXAS,  March  14,  1882. 

DEAR  BROTHER  GARDNER. — There  is  a  superstition  among  the 
negroes  of  the  South  that  all  lawyers  go  to  the  bad  place.  Does 
such  an  idea  prevail  among  the  members  of  the  Lime-Kiln  Club  ? 
By  answering  this  question,  you  will  oblige  greatly, 

Your  distant  friend, 

COTTONSEED  WHITE. 

"I  neber  heard  dat  dis  Club  entertained  any  such 
superstishun,"  said  Brother  Gardner,  in  reply.  "So 
fur  as  de  average  lawyer  goes,  dis  Club  has  no  par 
ticular  respect  fur  him.  De  average  lawyer  isn't  a 
bit  better  dan  de  average  criminal  he  keeps  out  of 
jail.  De  thief  breaks  de  law  to  git  money.  De  law 
yer  defends  the  thief  for  de  same  purpose,  an'  it 
most  allus  happens  dat  de  thief  am  dun  cleaned  out 
when  de  lawyer  am  frew  wid  him.  But  de  greatest 
criminals  an'  de  meanest  men  am  generally  giben 
time  to  repent.  Arter  de  lawyer  begins  to  grow  old 
an'  de  rheumatism  cotches  on,  an'  his  wife  dies,  an' 
his  house  burns  up  widout  insurance,  he  am  forced 
to  reflect  on  his  past  life,  an'  dat  refleckshun  prob 
ably  brings  repentance.  I  doan'  'spose  Heaben  am 
crowded  wid  lawyers,  but  I  reckon  dat  'nuff  of  'em 
squeeze  in  to  keep  flngs  pretty  lively  fur  sich  angels 
as  disturb  de  peace  or  obstruct  de  sidewalks. 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  95 

SILENT  SORROWS. 

"DAK  am  sartin  folkses  I  want  to  keep  away  from," 
began  the  old  man,  as  the  voices  of  the  Glee  Club 
died  away  on  the  last  strains  of  "  Sarah  Jane's  Ba 
by."  "I  mean  dat  class  of  people  who  groan  ober 
de  wickedness  of  de  world,  an'  who  have  heartaches 
an'  sorrows  to  peddle  aroun'  de  kentry  at  de  reg'lar 
market  rates.  Dar'  am  de  ole  man  Turner.  He 
comes  ober  to  see  me  now  an'  den,  but  he  can't  sot 
still  kase  somebody  stole  his  dog,  or  hit  him  wid  a 
brickbat,  or  beat  him  out  of  seventy-five  cents.  He 
fully  believes  dat  de  world  am  gwine  to  smash  at  de 
rate  of  fifteen  miles  an  hour,  an'  it  would  eanemost 
kill  him  to  lose  his  ole  wallet  an'  find  a  man  honest 
'nuff  to  return  it. 

"  De  widder  Plumsell  comes  ober  to  borry  some 
butter  fur  supper,  an'  she  draps  down  on  a  cha'r  an' 
heaves  a  sigh  as  big  as  a  barn  doah  an'  goes  on  to 
say  dat  dis  am  a  cold  an'  unfeelin'  world.  'Cording 
to  her  tell  all  men  am  dishonest,  all  women  extrav 
agant,  an'  all  chilPen  jist  ready  to  come  down  wid 
de  measles.  Tears  run  down  her  cheeks  as  she  tells 
how  she  has  to  work  an'  plan  while  eberybody  else 
has  money  to  frow  inter  Lake  Erie,  an'  she  wipes 
her  nose  on  her  apron  as  she  asserts  dat  dis  wicked 
world  can't  staii'  mo'  dan  fo'  weeks  longer, 

"  Deacon  Striper  draps  in  to  eat  pop-corn  wid  me 
on  a  Friday  ebenin',  an'  he  hardly  gits  out  from  un 
der  his  hat  befo'  he  begins  to  tell  what  his  first  wife 
died  of;  how  his  second  wife  run  away;  how  his 
third  bro~ke  her  leg  by  f allin'  off  a  fence  an'  cost  him 
$28.14  for  doctor's  bill,  an'  befo'  he  gits  frew  you 
couldn't  make  him  believe  but  what  de  hull  world 
was  dead  agin  him.  He  predicts  a  late  spring,  a 


00  THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

hot  summer,  poor  crops,  high  prices,  a  bloody  war, 
an'  goes  home  feelin'  dat  he  am  stoppin'  on  airth 
only  to  accommodate  somebedy. 

"  I  have  no  sorrow  of  my  own.  I've  been  robbed, 
but  dat  was  kase  I  left  a  winder  up.  I've  been 
swindled,  but  dat  was  kase  I  thought  fo'  queens 
would  beat  fo'  aces.  I've  bet  on  de  wrong  hoss;  I've 
bought  lottery  tickets  which  didn't  draw;  I've  been 
sick  unto  death,  an'  I've  been  shot  in  de  back  wid  a 
hull  brickyard,  but  I  do  not  sorrow  an'  I  do  not  ax 
fur  sympathy.  De  world  am  plenty  good  'nuff  fur 
de  class  of  people  livin'  in  it.  Honest  men  am  not 
lonesome  fur  company,  an'  honest  women  am  sartin 
to  be  appreciated.  De  janitor  will  now  open  fo' 
winders  an'  we  will  purceed  to  bizness." 

PRIZE  AWARDED. 

The  time  for  receiving  poetry  entered  fbr  the 
special  prize  offered  last  fall  by  Waydown  Bebee 
having  expired,  that  gentleman  announced  that  he 
had  received  thirty-two  different  specimens,  of 
which  seven  were  poems,  six  idyls,  twelve  sonnets 
and  the  remainder  were  odes  to  spring,  fall,  winter, 
dead  folks,  rolling  oceans,  green  meadows,  spotted 
cows,  handsome  women  and  codfish  balls.  He  had 
read  and  re-read,  and  had  come  to  the  conclusion 
that  a  poem  entitled,  "The  Tears  They  Blind  My 
Eyes,"  by  Prof.  Qoneby  Jackson,  of  Alabama,  was 
entitled  to  the  prize  of  $5  in  cash  and  a  fire  shovel 
eleven  feet  long.  The  following  is  the  first  verse  of 
the  poem: 

I  ar'  lookin'  down  do  lane  whar'  de  cliill'en  used  to  play, 
An'  de  shadows  of  de  ole  persimmon  tree. 

War'  frown  across  de  roof  of  de  little  cabin  home, 
Whar'  ole  Dinah  watched  de  hours  away  fur  me. 


THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB.  97 

THE   FOURTH. 

Giveadam  Jones  offered  a  resolution  to  the  effect 
that  the  Lime-Kiln  Club  celebrate  the  coming 
Fourth  of  July  in  becoming'  style,  and  after  some 
considerable  discussion  the  resolution  and  the  fol 
lowing  programme  were  adopted: 

1.  National  salute  at  sunrise  of  twenty-seven  shot 
guns — provided  there  is  a  sunrise. 

2.  Breakfast  at  7  o'clock — providing  there  is  any 
thing  in  the  house  to  eat. 

3.  Assemble  at  Paradise  Hall  at  10  o'clock.     Ad 
dresses  by  Pickles  Smith,   Trustee    Fullback    and 
Samuel  Shin. 

4.  Street  parade  at  noon. 

5.  Eeassemble  at  the  Hall  at  2  o'clock.     Patriotic 
songs,  speeches  and  declamations  by  Waydown  Be- 
bee,  Pickles  Smith,  Boneless  Parsons  and  others. 

6.  Display  of  fireworks  in  front  of  Paradise  Hall 
in(the  evening— front  seats  reserved  for  ladies.    The 
display  will  be  in  charge  of  Condensed  Johnson,  R. 
A.  M.,  and  Prof.  Clingstone  Fairbanks,  of  the  Con 
cord  School  of  Philosophy.   The  principal  attractions 
will  consist  of  "  Washington  Going  up  the  Spout;" 
"ex-President  Hayes   Crossing  the   Brandy  wine;" 
"  Napoleon   at  Waterloo;7'    Susan    B.    Anthony  at 
Chicago,''  and  "  The  Dying  Sleepingcar  Porter." 

MORE   VILLAINY. 

The  janitor  reported  that  he  had  just  unearthed 
another  villainous  plot  to  work  harm  to  the  Club,  if 
not  injury  to  life  and  limb.  Some  unhung  villain 
had  secretly  entered  the  hall  and  removed  the 
quicksilver  from  the  thermometer  arid  replaced  it 


98  THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

with  a  drop  of  lard  oil.  The  janitor  had  used  up 
three  old  barrels,  two  boxes  and  a  heap  of  wood  in 
trying  to  raise  the  temperature  to  100  degrees,  and 
it  was  only  after  the  legs  of  the  stove  began  to  turn 
red.  that  he  cast  about  to  discover  the  cause  of  his 
failure. 
Giveadam  Jones  offered  the  following: 


,  Dat  any  pusson  who  will  steal  de  inside  of  a  ther 
mometer  am  base  'nuff  to  rob  graves,  an'  dat  de  sum  of  $  20  am 
hereby  sot  aside  as  a  reward  for  de  diskivery  of  de  said  hyena  in 
wolf's  clothinV 

The  resolution  was  promptly  seconded  by  Trustee 
Fullback,  Jerusalem  Smith,  Kyann  Johnson'  and 
others,  and  after  being  unanimously  adopted,  the 
meeting  was  hung  up  to  dry  for  one  week. 


DE  COMIN'  POWER. 

THE  Committee  on  Scientific  Research  having 
been  requested  to  furnish  the  Club  with  a  list  of  the 
various  motive  powers  in  daily  use,  and  suggest 
any  new  ideas  on  the  same  subject,  reported  as  fol 
lows: 

"  Motive  power  am  de  power  which  makes  fings 
move.  Steam  am  a  motive  power,  kase  it  makes  de 
ingine  in  a  distillery  move,  an'  ward  politishuns  am 
thus  furnished  wid  capital  stock  to  pack  caucuses 
an'  pull  wires.  Water  am  a  motive  power,  kase  it 
turns  de  wheels  of  de  saw-mill,  air  thus  purvides  us 
wid  sidewalks  full  of  holes.  Wind  am  a  motive 
power,  kase  it  lengthens  de  sessions  of  Congress 
an'  de  varijs  Legislacliures.  't«ectricity  am 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  99 

power,  but  de  rates  am  so  awful  high  dat  we  didn't 
investigate.  De  bite  of  a  dog,  de  sting  of  a  hornet, 
de  toe  of  a  boot,  an'  de  squint  of  a  man's  left  eye 
am  numbered  among  de  minor  motive  powers. 
Gunpowder,  when  properly  used,  has  been  known 
to  blow  up  hoss-barns  an'  kill  elephants.  Dis  Com 
mittee  feels  safe  in  sayin'  dat  de  nex'  decade  will 
bring  forth  other  motive  powers.  De  time  am  coin- 
in'  when  our  butes  will  be  pulled  on  an'  off  by  ma 
chinery;  when  dechiU'en  will  be  put  to  bed  wid  four 
revolushuns  of  de  big  fly-wheel;  when  de  sarvint 
gal  who  doan'  come  home  in  time  to  get  supper  will 
de  snaked  along  at  de  rate  of  a  mile  a  minute; 
when  a  Tom  an'  Jerry  will  be  mixed  an'  stirred  up 
by  simply  pressin'  on  a  button  let  into  de  bar,  an' 
when  de  man  who  comes  home  at  midnight  an' 
can't  open  de  front  gate,  will  be  lifted  up  f rew  a 
second-story  winder  an'  sobered  off  in  about  twenty 
ticks." 


ABOUT    LIARS. 

"  WHO  am  a  liar?"  asked  the  old  man,  as  he  rose 
up  in  his  usual  place  and  glared  around  him. 

"Pickles  Smith,  Trustee  Fullback,  Samuel  Shin 
and  Evergreen  Jones  started  and  turned  pale,  and 
there  was  a  deathlike  silence  as  Brother  Gardner 
continued: 

"  An'  what  shall  we  do  wid  him — wid  de  liar  an' 
de  liars?  De  liar  am  wid  us  an'  of  us  an'  among  us. 
He  gits  up  wid  us  in  de  mawnin'  an'  lies  down  wid 
us  at  night.  Go  to  de  grocery,  an'  de  grocer  smiles 
an'  nods  an'  lies,  Go  to  de  dry -goods  man,  an'  he 


100  THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

has  a  welcome  an'  a  lie.  De  tailor  promises  a  suit 
when  he  knows  he  can't  finish  it.  De  shoemaker 
promises  a  pair  of  butes  for  Saturday  when  he  has 
three  day's  work  on  the  nex'  week.  De  ice  man 
charges  us  wid  twenty-five  pounds  an'  delivers  six 
teen.  Our  carpets  are  warranted,  an'  yet  they  fade. 
De  plumber  plumbs  an'  lies.  De  painter  paints  an' 
lies.  De  carpenter  planes  an'  saws  an'  cheats.  De 
dressmaker  not  only  lies  but  steals  de  cloth.  We  all 
lie  like  troopers  fifty  times  a  day,  an'  de  man  who 
won't  lie  doan'  stan'  any  show. 

"An'  yet,  my  frens,  whar'  will  we  bring  up  in  de 
end?  When  Way  down  Bebee  axes  me  fur  de  loan 
of  a  dollar  till  Saturday,  he  lies.  He  knows  he 
can't  pay  it  back  under  fo'  weeks.  I  know  he  knows 
it,  an'  I  lie.  I  tell  him  I  jist  paid  out  de  last  shillin' 
fur  a  wash-bo'd  an'  can't  possibly  raise  no  mo'.  If  I 
ax  Judge  Hostetter  Johnson  to  sign  a  bank  note  wid 
me,  he  lies  when  he  says  he  promised  his  dyin' 
gran'rnother  neber  to  do  so.  We  lie  when  we  wa'r 
better  cloze  dan  we  kin  afford— when  we  put  on  airs 
above  us — when  we  put  on  our  backs  what  orter  be 
fodder  fur  our  stomachs.  We  has  become  a  red-hot 
go-ahead  dust-aroun'  nashun,  but  AVC  has  also  be 
come  a  nashun  of  liars,  cheats  an'  false  pretenders. 
We  adulterate  our  goods,  cheat  in  weight,  swindle 
in  measure,  an'  put  on  broadcloth  coats  to  hide  de 
absence  of  dollar  shirts.  Our  society  am  full  of 
false  pretenders,  our  religion  furnishes  a  cloak  fur 
hypocrites,  an'  our  charity  am  but  a  high-soundin' 
name  fur  makin'  a  dollar  bring  back  ten  shillings.  I 
doan'  know  what  de  principal  wickedness  of  Sodom 
consisted  of,  nor  wedder  de  folks  in  Gomorrow  tole 
lies  or  pitched  pennies,  but  if  either  one  could  beat 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  101 

an  American  town  of  the  same  size  fur  lyin  an'  de- 
cepshun  dey  mus'  have  got  up  werry  airly  in  de 
mawnin',  an  stayed  awake  all  night  long.  We  lie, 
an'  we  know  we  lie.  We  play  de  hypocrite,  we 
cheat  an  deceive,  an'  yit  we  want  the  world  to  pick 
us  out  as  shinin'  examples  of  virtue,  an'  we  expect 
our  tombstones  to  bear  eulogies  georgious  jj'nutf 
fur  angels.  Gem'len,  let  us  kick  each  odder  into 
doin'  better!  Let  de  kickin'  begin  jist  whar'  it  hap 
pens,  fur  we  can't  hit  anybody  who  doan'  need  it." 

'ROSE  TO  INQUIRE. 

Waydown  Bebee  arose  to  inquire  if  he  had  ever 
borrowed  a  dollar  of  the  President  and  neglected  to 
return  it  on  the  date  specified. 

"You  has,  sah  !"  was  the  prompt  reply. 

Waydown  scratched  his  head,  looked  around  for 
a  soft  spot  to  break  his  fall,  and  finally  sat  down 
with  a  look  of  melancholy  creeping  over  his  com 
plexion. 

ELECTION. 

"  Gem'len,  befo'  purceedin'  to  de  bizness  in  han'," 
said  Sii  Isaac,  as  he  stood  up,  "  let  me  beg  de  priv 
ilege  of  admittin'  dat  I  am  a  liar.  I  whitewash  a 
lie.  I  black  stoves  an'  lie.  I  beat  an'  put  down  ca'- 
pets  an'  lie.  I  am  an  aged  liar  from  de  word  go,  an' 
I  am  ashamed  of  it;  sorry  fur  it,  an'  I  promise  to 
quit  de  bizness  from  dis  time  out.  I  will  now  pass 
de  bean-box.  Please  remember  dat  one  black  bean 
rejects  a  candydate,  an'  may  bring  sorrow  to  a  hull 
back  township." 

He  then  began  his  preambulations,  and  the  follow- 
lowing  gentlemen  of  off-color  were  unanimously  elec 
ted  in  the  order  named:  Trustee  White,  Moses  Adew, 


IGii  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

Rev.  Pilaster,  Judge  Tremaine,  Rider  Dodo,  Nemes 
is  Scott,  Col.  Peachtree  Williams,  and' Lord  Conduc 
ive  Jones. 

THE   FOURTH. 

The  committee  having  in  charge  the  arrange 
ments  for  the  glorious  Fourth  for  the  colored  ele 
ment  throughout  America,  reported  the  following 
programme,  which  they  trust  will  be  strictly  adher 
ed  to: 

"  Arouse  yourselves  at  5  o'clock  A.  M.  Describe 
the  battle  of  Bunker  Hill  to 'the  children.  Breakfast 
at  0.  Describe  the  battle  of  Trenton  to  the  old  wo 
man.  Down  town  at  7.  Lemonade — lager — cocoa- 
nuts — peanuts — bananas.  Meet  at  some  appointed 
place  at  9  o'clock.  Rncourage  each  other  to  be  pat 
riotic  and  strive  for  a  pension.  Let  some  orator  in 
the  party  make  a  speech  glorifying  the  American 
Republic. 

"After  dinner  take  the  children  down  to  see  the 
proud  bird  of  liberty.  Have  the  old  woman  hold  up 
both  hands  and  swear  that  she  will  never  wash  a 
shirt  or  scrub  a  kitchen  for  a  tyrant. 

"  Fireworks  in  the  evening.  Lemonade  grows 
weaker.  Grand  flight  of  sky-rockets  and  hurrahs 
for  the  best  country  under  the  sun.  Wallop  the 
children  and  jaw  the  old  woman  when  you  get 
home.  Nothing  like  it.  Hip — hurrah  ! " 

The  programme  was  discussed  at  length  but  on 
the  motion  to  adopt,  there  was  not  a  negative  vote. 

KILLED   IN   THE   BUD. 

Trustee  Fullback  then  offered  the  following  reso 
lution: 


THE  LIME-KILN  "CLUU.  103 

"fiesolved,  Dat  usurpashun  am  de  death  blow  of  liberty." 

"Brudder  Fullback,"  said  the  President,  as  he 
looked  at  the  member  over  the  top  of  his  spectacles, 
"do  you  know  what  usurpashuii  means?  " 

"1— I — 'spect  I  does,  sah." 

"What  is  it?" 

Brother  Fullback  hesitated,  scratched  his  ear, 
rubbed  his  elbow,  and  was  evidently  fast-aground 
on  a  sand  bar. 

"You  had  better  take  dat  resolushun  an'  place  it 
softly  on  top  de  stove,"  resumed  the  President. 
"  Dar  am  too  much  chin-music  in  dis  kentry  'bout 
usurpashun,  monopoly,  centralizashun,  loss  o'  liber 
ty,  an'  so  on.  If  anybody  wants  to  usurp  let  him 
go  ahead.  As  fur  loss  o'  liberty,  we  has  got  such 
dead  loads  of  it  dat  we  kin  afford  to  lose  a  sheer. 
Sot  down,  Brudder  Fullback — sot  down,  an'  remem 
ber  dat  shootin'  off  big  words  doan'  pay  fur  meat  an' 
'taters." 


HUMAN  NATURE. 

THE  blowing  of  noses  in  the  northwest  corner  of 
Paradise  Hall  finally  came  to  an  end,  and  when 
Trustee  Fullback  had  flung  his  whole  soul  into  one 
grand  effort  to  cough  his  head  off,  and  failed,  Broth 
er  Gardner  arose  and  said: 

"My  kentrymen,  when  you  meet  a  man  who 
knows  jist  whar'  he  kin  borry  a  dollar — who  has 
friends  in  boat'  political  parties — who  gits  invitations 
to  all  church  festivals — who  am  ginerally  spoken  of 
as  a  good  feller,  you  have  foun'  a  man  who  makes  a 
study  of  human  natur'.  De  student  of  anatomy 


104  THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

carves  up  a  cadaver  to  diskiver  how  de  bones  am 
put  togedder — whar'  de  muscles  lie — how  de  vital 
organs  am  nailed  on.  De  good  feller  studies  de  liv- 
in'  'stead  of  de  dead — de  mind  'stead  of  de  body. 
De  human  mind  am  full  of  co'ns.  Tread  on  one  of 
'em,  an'  dar'  am  a  back-ackshun  to  once.  If  I 
should  want  a  five  dollah  bill  airly  Monday  mornin' 
I  should  slip  ober  an'  ax  Deakun  Jackson  fur  it. 
His  big  co'n  am  de  belief  dat  no  one  kin  be  saved 
onless  he  am  baptized  in  de  riber,  an'  I  have  been 
keerful  to  walk  all  aroun'  dat  co'n.  I  go  ober  to 
his  house  wid  a  jug  o'  cider  in  one  hand  an'  baptis 
mal  argyrnents  in  de  odder,  an'  sometimes  he  feels 
so  good  dat  he'd  like  to  douse  me  in  de  rain  bar'l. 

"  If  I  wanted  some  onion  seed  I'd  go  ober  to  Elder 
Tiffs'.  De  Elder's  co'n  am  de  belief  dat  he  was  bo'n 
fur  a  great  preacher.  I've  walked  all  ober  him  a 
hundred  times,  but  I'ze  neber  stubed  my  toe  agin 
dat  co'n.  I've  sot  down  wid  him  an'  praised  de  build 
of  his  head,  an'  de  shape  of  his  mouth,  an'  his  pose 
an'  gesture,  an'  I've  stuck  to  de  cha'r  while  he  talk 
ed  an'  cavooted  fur  a  straight  hour.  If  I  wanted 
onions,  he'd  fall  down  cellar  to  git  'em  fur  me. 

"  If  you  come  across  a  man  who  imagines  dat  he 
am  an  orator,  doan'  gibe  his  booms;  it  won't  hurt 
anybody  to  let  him  keep  right  on  finkin'  so,  but  it 
will  make  him  your  deadly  enemy  to  try  to  con- 
wince  him  dat  he  was  cut  out  fur  a  blacksmif. 
Dar'  am  people  who  write  stuff  an'  call  it  poetry. 
Ize  got  a  naybur  who  writ  fourty-four  varses  of  sich 
stuff  las'  fall  an'  read  it  to  me,  an'  axed  my  candid 
opinyun.  Did  I  tell  her  it  was  bosh?  Did  I  jump 
frew  de  winder  when  she  reached  de  second  verse? 
Not  much!  I  listened  wid  de  utmos'  diligence,  an' 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  105 

when  she  finished  de  las'  line  I  advised  her  to  pub 
lish  a  book  o'  poems.  De  nex'  Week  I  fell  sick,  an' 
dat  poetess  was  de  fust  on  de  groun'  wid  chicken- 
brof  an'  currant  jell. 

"  When  I  meet  a  man  who  has  made  up  his  mind 
dat  our  city  guv'ment  will  go  to  smash  if  he  don't 
git  office,  I  incourage  him.  I  incourage  de  young 
to  become  Washingtons.  I  incourage  de  ole  to 
hang  on  till  de  world  has  to  recognize  deir  great 
ness.  A  word  at  de  right  time  means  de  loan  of  a 
dollali — means  thirty  off  when  you  want  a  new 
whitewash  brush — means  a  bushel  o'  lime  free  gratis 
— means  a  recommend  if  you  want  to  jine  de  pur- 
leece  fo'ce.  Tech  my  co'ns  an'  I'll  want  to  kick  ye. 
All  men  am  de  same.  Call  'em  co'ns  or  call  'em 
hobbies,  but  he  who  goes  slashin'  aroun'  widout  ear- 
in'  whar'  he  puts  his  feet,  will  make  twenty  enemies 
whar'  he  gains  one  friend.  Study  your  man.  Take 
him  apart — put  him  togedder — fin'  out  whar'  his 
co'ns  lay,  an'  den  step  high  an'  softly.  Let  us  now 
irregulate  to  bizness." 


THE    REVISED. 

"  I  TAKE  pleasure  an'  satisfaction,"  said  the  Presi 
dent,  as  he  held  up  a  parcel,  "in  informin'  you  a 
worthy  citizen  of  Detroit,  who  does  not  car  to  hab 
his  name  menshun'd,  has  presented  dis  revised  eclis- 
hun  of  de  Bible  to  de  Lime-Kiln  Club.  We  do  not 
open  our  meetins  wid  prayer,  nor  do  we  close  by 
singin'  de  Doxology,  but,  neberdeless  I  am  suah  dis 
gift  will  be  highly  appreshiated  by  all.  Dar  has  bin 
considuble  talk  in  dis  Club  about  dis  revised  edishun. 


106  THIS   LIME-KILN    CLUB. 

Some  of  you  hub  got  do  ideah  dat  purgatory  has  all 
been  wiped  out,  an'  heben  enlarged  twice  ober,  an' 
1  have  heard  odders  assert  dat  it  didn't  forbid  lyin', 
stealin',  an'  passin'  off  bad  money.  My  frens,  you 
am  sadly  mistaken.  Hell  is  jist  as  hot  as  eber,  an' 
Heben  has'nt  got  any  mo'  room.  In  lookin,  ober 
some  of  de  changes,  las'  night,  I  selected  out  a  few 
paragraphs  which  have  a  gineral  b'arin.  Fur  inst 
ance,  it  am  jist  as  wicked  to  steal  water  mellyons 
as  it  was  las  y'ar  or  de  y'ar  befo',  an'  de  skeercer  de 
crap,  de  bigger  de  wickedness. 

"  No  change  has  bin  made  in  regard  to  loafin' 
aroun'  de  streets.  De  loafer  am  considered  jist  as 
mean  an'  low  as  eber  he  was,  an'  I  want  to  add  my 
belief  dat  he  will  grow  meaner  in  public  estimashun 
all  de  time. 

"  De  ten  commandments  am  all  down  lieah  wid- 
out  change.  Stealin',  an'  lyin',  an'  covetin',  an' 
runnin'  out  nights  am  considered  jist  as  bad  as 
eber. 

"I  can't 'find  any  paragraph  in  which  men  am 
excused  for  payin'  deir  honest  debts,  an'  supportin' 
deir  fam'lies. 

"  I  can't  fin'  whar  a  poo'  man  or  a  poo'  man's  wife 
—white  or  black — am  'spected  to  sling  on  any  per- 
tickler  style. 

"  Dog  fights,  chicken  liftin',  poly  ticks,  playin' 
keerds' fur  money,  an'  hangin'  aroun'  fur  drinks,  an' 
all  sich  low  bizness  am  considered  meaner  dan  eber. 
Fact  is,  I  can't  fin'  any  change  whateber  which 
lets  up  on  a  man  from  bein  plumb  up  an'  down 
squar',  an'  honest  wid  de  world.  Dey  have  changed 
de  word  'Hell'  to  '  Hades/ but  at  de  same  time 
added  to  de  strength  of  de  brimstun  an'  de  size  of 


THE    LIME-KILN   CLUB.  10? 

tie  pit,  an'  we  want  to  keep  right  on  in  tie  straight 
path  if  we  would  avoid  it.  Doan'  let  any  white 
man  make  you  believe  dat  we's  lost  any  Gospel  by 
dis  revision,  or  dat  Peter,  or  Paul,  or  Moses  hab 
undergone  any  change  of  speerit  regardin'  de  ways 
of  libin'  respectably  an'  dyin'  honorably." 


SERENE  TOOTS. 

ELDER  TOOTS  has  been  alluded  to  in  the  proceed 
ings  of  this  Club  as  an  individual  of  serenest  coun 
tenance  and  sweetest  repose.  Having  to  go  to 
market  for  a  bottle  of  horse-raddish  and  a  quart  of 
beans,  he  decided  not  to  return  home  previous  to 
putting  in  an  appearance  at  the  Lodge.  As  a  conse 
quence,  he  was  on  hand  half  an  hour  ahead  of  the  usu 
al  time,  and  was  left  in  charge  of  the  Hall  while  the 
janitor  prospected  up  the  alley  to  see  if  any  of  the 
store  porters  had  been  reckless  enough  to  leave  a 
dry-goods  box  out  in  the  cold.  The  Elder  filled  his 
pipe  and  had  a  smoke,  and  in  a  moment  of  emotion 
al  insanity  he  dropped  the  red-hot  clay  into  his  coat- 
tail  pocket.  Combustion  and  ignition  followed,  and 
when  the  janitor  returned  the  Elder  was  skipping 
over  stools  and  benches  like  a  boy  getting  away 
from  a  delegation  of  hornets.  There  was  a  strong 
smell  of  smoke  and  fire,  but  the  Elder  had  no  time 
to  relate  particulars.  He  sat  down  in  the  water-pail 
but  it  was  waterless.  He  rolled  over  and  over  on 
the  floor,  but  the  smell  grew  stronger.  It  was  not 
until  a  dozen  members  had  come  in  and  chased  the 
old  man  into  a  corner  and  collared  him  that  it  was 
discovered  that  he  was  on  fire. 


108  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

When  Elder  Toots  started  for  home  he  was  a  sad 
der  man.  He  also  had  an  old  coffee  sack  thrown 
carelessly  over  his  back  to  give  him  the  appearance 
of  a  Roman  brigand.  The  incident  was  duly  an 
nounced  to  Brother  Gardner  as  he  came  in,  and 
when  the  meeting  opened  the  old  man  said: 

"Let  dis  lesson  sink  deep  into  your  hearts.  Do 
not  cultivate  sereneness.  Sereneness  will  wade 
frew  a  mud-hole  all  de  y'ar  round  when  half  an 
hour's  work  would  bridge  it.  Do  not  be  tranquil. 
De  tranquil  man  am  either  a  great  villyun  or  too 
lazy  to  keep  up  wid  de  purceshun.  Avoid  absent- 
mindedness.  It  may  do  in  a  great  man,  but  when 
it  comes  down  to  poo'  folks  like  us,  one  case  of  ab 
sent-mindedness  will  knock  our  credit  at  de  grocer's 
or  butcher's  higher  dan  a  kite.  Avoid  sweet  repose. 
De  man  who  kin  shet  out  dis  busy  world  an'  de 
sound  of  its  machinery  at  de  airly  hour  of  seben 
o'clock  in  de  ebenin',  can't  hev  any  money  lent  out 
on  a  chattel  mortgage,  an'  has  no  ax  lyin'  aroun'  de 
wood-pile  fur  any  one  to  steal.  Lastly,  de  world 
neber  has  any  pity  on  de  man  wha  burns  off  his  own 
coat-tails.  Let  us  now  purceed  to  bizness." 


MORE  BASENESS. 

"Gem'len,"  said  Brother  Gardner,  as  he  held  out 
an  alleged  two-shilling  piece  on  the  palm  of  his 
hand,  "at  de  las'  weekly  colleckshun  some  one  of 
ye  drapped  dis  so-called  quarter  into  de  hat.  It  am 
not  only  a  base  counterfit  to  begin  on,  but  it  has 
free  holes  bored  frew  it.  Now,  de  ideah  of  histin' 
such  money  off  on  dis  Club  am  a  little  too  dizzy,  an' 


SERENE  TOOTS  AS   A   ROMAN   BRIGAND. 


THE   LIME  KILN   CLUB.  109 

if  de  same  coincidence  incurs  agin,  I  shell  deliver  a 
speech  of  indignashun  lastin'  an  hour  an'  a  half. 
One  word  moah:  De  member  of  dis  Club  who  am 
totin'  such  stuff  aroun'  in  his  pockets  had  better 
look  out." 

Samuel  Shin  arose  for  the  purpose  of  saying  that 
the  bogus  quarter  might  have  dropped  from  the 
ceiling  as  the  hat  went  round,  but  just  as  he  got  his 
mouth  puckered  up  he  was  told  that  there  was  no 
question  before  the  meeting,  and  he  therefore  fell 
back  on  his  bench. 

PETITIONS. 

The  petitions  read  off  by  the  Secretary  numbered 
thirteen,  representing  six  different  States.  Among 
the  more  prominent  petitioners  were  James  Come 
back  Dodge,  of  St.  Louis,  and  Gen.  Sardanapalus 
Smith,  of  Natchez.  Mr.  Comeback  is  the  original 
inventor  of  the  art  of  putting  a  crimson  flush  on  a 
whitewashed  ceiling  and  imitating  cobwebs  in  the 
corners,  and  the  General  invented  the  jetty  system 
at  the  mouth  of  the  Mississippi  river  just  three  days 
after  Capt.  Eads  did. 

AN    APPEAL. 

A  letter  from  Kansas  City  asked  the  Club  to  for 
ward  a  contribution  to  aid  the  colored  people  in 
placing  a  spire  150  feet  high  on  their  church  edifice, 
but  Brother  Gardner  shook  his  head  and  observed: 

"  De  time  has  arrove  when  de  religun  in  a  pus- 
son's  heart  am  gwine  to  be  jedged  by  his  words  an' 
deeds,  an'  not  by  de  steeple  on  his  church.  Folkeses 
who  can't  praise  de  Lawd  in  a  buildin'  widout  any 
spire  on  de  top,  am  not  de  sort  to  praise  Him  at  all/' 


110  THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

INSURANCE. 

&  letter  from  the  Secretary  of  an  Eastern  Insur 
ance  Company  made  inquiry  of  the  Club  as  to  what 
per  cent,  of  the  colored  people  of  Detroit  carried  life 
insurance.  The  letter  also  stated  that  favorable 
terms  would  be  given  such  members  of  the  Club  as 
desired  to  insure. 

''Dis  life  inshurance  am  one  of  de  problems  dat 
mix  me  up,"  remarked  the  President,  •' but  I'll  take 
down  de  names  of  anybody  who  wants  a  policy." 

Elder  Toots  thereupon  came  forward  and  said  he 
thought  he'd  take  about  three  million  dollars  on  his 
life,  and  Ezra  Buck  guessed  he'd  take  five.  This 
settled  it  with  the  others,  who  realized  that  no  com 
pany  could  lose  over  $8,000,000  and  come  to  time  on 
other  losses. 

ABOUT   DOGS. 

The  Committee  on  Internal  Improvements  sub 
mitted  their  monthly  report  at  this  meeting.  It 
was  devoted  almost  entirely  to  dogs,  the  committee 
having  been  instructed  to  investigate  the  newspaper 
statements  that  every  colored  family  in  Detroit  own 
ed  an  average  of  three  canines.  This  statement 
first  appeared  in  the  New  York  Tribune  many  years 
ago,  in  an  editorial  written  by  Horace  Greeley,  and 
is  constantly  passing  around  the  press.  The  com 
mittee  made  a  thorough  canvas  of  the  city,  and 
found  that  no  colored  family  had  over  three  dogs, 
while  the  majority  had  only  one,  and  thirty-eight 
were  keeping  house  and  scrubbing  along  without 
even  a  cat.  The  report  being  adopted,  the  Club 
passed  a  resolution  demanding  that  the  Tribune 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  Ill 

should  retract  its  statement  in  a  double-leaded  par 
agraph. 

VISITORS. 

The  Committee  on  Reception  reported  that  the 
Hon.  Deflective  Jones,  of  Augusta,  Ga.,  and  Ed 
ward  Springhill,  Esq.,  of  Chicago,  would  both  arrive 
in  the  city  the  present  week  to  visit  the  Club,  and  a 
resolution  was  adopted  to  invite  them  to  speak  be 
fore  the  next  meeting.  The  Hon.  Jones  has  the 
largest  possum  farm  in  Georgia,  and  is  coining 
North  to  secure  machinery  for  making  three-corner 
ed  bricks,  and  Mr.  Springhill  is  selling  a  new  sort 
of  shoe-blacking,  which  kills  corns  as  well  as  shines 
the  leather. 

DE   CRANK. 

Col.  Ebenezer  Canister  then  offered  the  following 
single-barreled  resolution: 

'Resohvd,  Dat  dis  Club  lias  no  sympathy  wid  cranks,  an'  dat  it 
am  de  sense  of  dis  Club  dat  more  hangism  would  result  in  less 
erankism." 

The  resolution  was  passed  by  a  unanimous  vote, 
and  Brother  Gardner  added: 

"  I  feel  strongly  dat  way  myself.  De  man  who 
kin  pay  out  an'  receive  money,  trade  aroun'  de  ken- 
try,  do  bizness  an'  keep  outer  de  way  of  de  butcher- 
carts,  musn't  sboot  my  ole  woman  an'  den  plead 
hereditary,  heretofore,  hereafter  or  any  odder  sort 
of  insanity.  De  crank  who  can't  resist  de  tempta- 
shun  to  steal  must  keep  outer  my  tater  patch  or  take 
de  chances  of  my  puttin'  a  han'full  of  shot  inter  his 
corpus.  De  crank  who  am  not  morally  responsible 
fur  his  utterances  will  feel  de  weight  of  my  fist  da 


112  THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

fust  time  he  calls  me  a  liar.  De  crank  who  am  not 
financially  responsible  wants  to  keep  right  away 
from  me  de  hull  week  frew.  De  crank  who  am  im 
pelled  by  Deity,  Debit,  or  any  odder  power  to  do  me 
bodily  injury,  had  better  be  sartin  of  his  aim,  fur  if 
he  misses  me  I'll  light  down  on  him  like  a  ton  of  de 
reddest  brick  he  eber  saw.  I  doan'go  a  cent  on  any 
insanity  outside  of  a  lunatic  asylum.  If  a  man  am 
luny,  put  him  among  the  lunatics.  De  fack  dat  he 
am  not  put  dar  am  reason  fur  holdin'  him  legally 
responsible  fur  ebery  act." 


DE  GONENESS. 

As  the  triangle  sounded  the  President  slowly  arose 
to  a  picturesque  position  and  observed: 

"Prof.  January  Sunbeam,  of  Mississippi,  am 
waitin'  in  de  ante-room  to  address  de  meetin'  on  de 
subjeck  of  '  De  Goneness  of  de  Past.'  De  Professor 
am  not  only  known  all  ober  de  kentry  fur  his  theo 
ries  on  astronomy,  but  he  am  de'only  man  in  Amer 
ica  who  kin  skin  awoodckuck  in  seben  minits  by  de 
watch.  Sir  Isaac  Walpole,  you  an'  Giveadam  Jones 
will  put  on  your  yaller  kid  gloves  an'  long-tailed 
coats  an'  escort  the  Professor  into  de  Hail." 

In  about  five  minutes  the  stranger  made  his  ap 
pearance  and  was  greeted  with  a  burst  of  applause, 
which  upset  the  water  pail  and  filled  the  shoes  of 
eight  or  ten  of  the  nearest  members.  On  taking  the 
platform,  he  was  introduced  by  the  President,  hand 
ed  a  piece  of  slippery  elm  to  keep  his  throat  moist 
during  his  oratory,  and  he  then  bowed  and  began: 
dear  fren's,  whar'  am  de  past?  Look  fur  it 


THE   LJME-KILN   CLUB.  113 

under  de  bed.  down  cellar,  up  stairs,  in  de  wood-box 
or  whar'  you  will,  an'  you  cannot  find  it.  Why? 
Kase  it  am  gone.  It  has  slipped  away  like  a  streak 
o'  grease  runnin'  across  de  kitchen  floo',  an'  it  will 
neber,  neber  return.  (Sighs  from  all  over  the  Hall.) 
Do  you  meet  Plato  as  you  go  up  de  street?  Do  you 
iin?  Cicero  waitin'  at  de  ferry  dock?  Do  you  hear 
of  Diogenes  hangin'  'round  de  Union  Depot  to  work 
de  string  game  on  some  greenhorn?  Not  any!  Dey 
belongs  to  de  past  an'  gone.  Dey  sleep  in  de  dim 
ness  of  odder  centuries.  Whar'  am  de  glories  of  de 
Roman  Empire?  Whar'  am  Caesar  an'  Brutus  an' 
Cassius?  Let  de  dust  of"  de  past  answer.  (Much 
blowing  of  noses.) 

"  My  fren's,  de  past  am  not  de  fucher,  any  more 
dan  day  after  to-morrow  am  day  befo'  yesterday. 
As  time  fades  so  does  glory  fade.  To-day  you  may 
march  at  de  head  of  de  purceshun,  yer  hat  on  yer 
ear  an'  a  red  sash  tied  aroun'  yer  body — to-morrow 
ye  may  be  in  jail  furborrowin'  somebody's  woodpile 
to  keep  yer  feet  warm.  (Sly  and  suspicious  winks 
all  over  the  room.)  Do  not  prize  de  present  too 
highly, — do  not  forget  de  warnings  of  de  past.  We 
cannot  recall  de  past,  but  we  can  look  back  an'  see 
whar'  de  grocer  gin  us  short  weight  on  codfish,  an' 
whar'  we  took  advantage  of  a  cloudy  day  to  pass  a 
twenty-cent  piece  off  fur  a  quarter.  (Cheers  and 
applause.) 

"  My  hearers,  we  should  not  lib  fur  de  past,  but 
fur  de  fucher.  What  am  it  to  us  as  we  riz  up  in  de 
mawnin'  wedder  Ca?sar  met  his  mother-in-law  at  de 
depot  or  forbid  her  his  house?  What  am  it  to  us  as 
we  retire  to  our  humble  couches  fur.de  night  wedder 
de  orators  of  Athens  greased  deir  butes  wid  lard  or 


114  THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

went  bar'fut?  As  we  sit  on  a  box  in  de  alley  to  con 
sume  our  noon-day  lunch,  we  car'  not  wedder  Brutus 
dyed  his  goatee  or  was  clean-shaved.  (Cries  of  No! 
no!)  But  de  fucher  am  big  wid  events.  To-day  we 
may  be  full  of  sorrow.  If  so,  we  hope  dat  de  mor 
row  will  bring  clam  chowder.  (Great  smacking  of 
lips.)  If  de  present  am  full  of  biles  an'  chilblains 
an'  heart-aches,  de  fucher  may  be  as  bright  as  a  cat's 
eye  shinin'  out  of  a  bar'l  on  a  dark  night.  Neber 
look  back  on  de  past.  It  am  as  much  gone  as  a 
three-cent  piece  paid  out  fur  Fourth  of  July  lemon 
ade.  Neber  dispair  of  de  fucher.  When  de  heart  is 
heaviest,  de  fire  lowest,  an'  work  de  skeercest,  you 
may  find  a  lost  wallet,  or  strike  some  butcher  willin' 
to  give  credit.  (Whoops  of  applause.)  My  fre'ns, 
I  am  dun.  Thanking  you  severely  for  }Tour  infec 
tious  distraction,  I  'rambulate  to  my  seat  wid  oderif- 
erous  feelings  of  concentrashun  towards  each  an  eb- 
§ry  one  of  you." 

During  the  wild  excitement  which  followed  the 
close  of  the  masterly  effort,  Samuel  Shin  and  Trus 
tee  Fullback  fell  upon  the  hot  stove  in  an  enthusias 
tic  embrace,  and  seven  windows  had  to  be  lowered 
to  let  out  the  odor  of  overdone  mule  steak. 


ABOUT  ART. 

"Lale  in  de  ebenin'  de  odder  night,"  began  the 
old  man.  as  Elder  Toots  quit  coughing  and  the  dust 
from  Pickle  Smith's  boots  settled  down,  "my  cabin 
war  surrounded  by  seberal  leadin'  citizens  of  Kain- 
tuck.  When  dey  had  been  invited  in  an'  placed 
whar  dey  could  all  spit  on  de  stove,  dey  denounced 


THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB.  115 

de  object  of  deir  wisit.  De  Hon.  Saleratus  Bloater, 
who  am  not  a  member  of  dis  Club,  arose  an'  said  dat 
hisself  an'  odder  cull'd  citizen  war  aggitatin'  de 
subjick  of  establishin'  an  art  gallery  in  dis  city  fur 
de  encouragement  an'  benefit  of  de  African  race, 
an'  he  wanted  de  inflooence  of  de  Club  in  de  enter 
prise.  Gem'len,  de  queshun  am  open  fur  discushun, 
an'  Sir  Isaac  Walpole  hez  de  floo'." 

Sir  Isaac  said  that  he  had  also  been  informed  of 
the  scheme  and  asked  to  favor  it.  In  his  mind's  eye 
he  saw  a  dozen  colored  men  without  overcoats,  toes 
out  to  the  frost  and  pockets  empty,  standing  before 
a  painting  of  some  European  palace,  but  he  thought 
they  would  rather  criticise  a  square  meal  of  codfish 
and  potatoes 

Waydown  Bebee  believed  in  art  and  art  galleries. 
An  art  gallery  hung  with  smoked  hams,  loaves  of 
bread  and  baked  potatoes  was  his  idea.  He  would 
rather  hold  a  private  interview  with  a  peck  of  tur 
nips  under  a  shed  than  to  stand  before  a  statue  of 
Apollo  in  an  art  gallery,  but  he  would  be  guided  by 
the  majority. 

"  I  stan'  up  heah  widout  any  undershirt  on  ! "  said 
Squire  Trotback,  as  he  rose  up  like  a  telescope  get 
ting  ready  for  business,  "  an'  de  man  who  emagines 
dat  I  prefer  a  lan'scape  to  an  undershirt  am  fro  win' 
away  his  time." 

"  An'  my  ole  woman,"  said  the  Hon.  Cabiff  Jones, 
as  the  other  sat  down,  "am  at  de  present  minit 
gwine  about  de  house  wid  a  boot  on  one  foot  an'  a 
shoe  on  de  odder,  kase  I  can't  afford  to  buy  her  two 
boots,  though  I'ze  bin  workin'  ebery  day  fur  de  las' 
six  months.  Bhe'd  look  sweet  stanclin'  befo'  de  pic- 


116  THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

tur'  o'  'Contentment,'  wouldn't  she?    I  fink  I  see 
her  right  dar! " 

"  Gem'len,"  said  the  President,  as  he  gave  the 
bear-trap  a  left-handed  squint,  "  de  day  may  come 
when  we  kin  have  all  we  want  an'  plenty  to  lend, 
but  jist  at  de  present  time  de  cull'd  folks  of  dis  ken- 
try  need  art  galleries  about  as  much  as  a  pig  needs 
wings.  We  will  drap  de  subjeck  an'  progress  to 
wards  progreshun." 


A  CORRECTION. 

The  Secretary  read  a  letter  from  Haverstraw  Mil 
ler,  of  St.  Louis,  asking  what  brought  about  the  rup 
ture  between  the  Lime-Kiln  Club  and  Gen.  De  Luc, 
of  the  Agricultural  Bureau,  and  Brother  Gardner  re 
plied: 

"  Why,  dare  hain't  de  least  bit  o'  rupcher  atween 
us.  It  was  only  yesterday  dat  I  received  a  qommu- 
nicashun  from  de  General  axin'  my  way  of  keepin' 
bedstead  casters  safe  from  de  frost  doorin'  de  winter, 
an'  my  answer  goes  out  by  nex'  mail.  Shoo!  now, 
but  dis  Club  an'  de  General  am  workin'  in  de  softest 
harmony  togeder,  an'  if  de  public  lets  us  alone  it 
won't  be  a  y'ar  befo'  we  shall  solve  de  queshun  of 
growin'  pink-colored  cabbage-heads.  Rupchur 
atween  de  General  an'  dis  Club— neber!" 

NOT   IN   PARTICULAR. 

A  communication  from  St.  Joseph,  Mo.,  inquired 
if  the  Club  had  yet  adopted  any  particular  color  as 
its  own,  and  this  brought  the  President  to  his  feet 
again; 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  117 

"I  can't  say  dat  we  really  hez.  Indeed,  we  am 
considerably  mized  up  on  dat  head.  Some  of  us  run 
to  sky-blue,  some  to  pale-yaller,  an'  de  younger 
members  seem  to  hev  a  great  hankerin'  arter  laven 
der  an'  vermillyun.  Howeber,  if  de  time  eber  comes 
when  de  queshun  am  brought  to  a  wote,  I  'spect  dar 
would  be  a  thumpin'  big  majority  in  favor  of  yaller 
striped  wid  scarlet." 

BOUNCED. 

Maj.  John  Smoothshod  here  offered  the  following 
preamble  and  resolution: 

"  Wh'aras,  Dis  Club  hcvin'  been  offishully  notified  dat  Cyrus 
Washington  Brown,  of  Nicksburg,  Miss.,  an  honorary  member  of 
de  organizashun,  hez  been  detected  in  an  attempt  to  enter  a  gro 
cery  store  by  way  of  de  back  winder  at  midnight;  an' 

"  Wh'aras,  Dis  Club  believes  in  buyin'  its  groceries  in  de  day 
time  an'  payin'  cash  down;  now,  darefore, 

"  Re solved,  Dat  de  name  of  de  said  Cyrus  Washington  Brown 
be  an'  hereby  am  drapped  from  de  rolls  foreber,  an'  all  good  mem 
bers  of  de  Club  am  'spected  to  turn  up  de  nose  of  scorn  at  him 
wheneber  an'  whereber  met." 

The  resolution  was  adopted  without  debate,  and 
Cyrus  can  now  wipe  his  weeping  eyes  on  his  elbow. 

RE- ADOPTED. 

Tne  Rev.  Penstock  took  the  floor  and  said  that  he 
last  year  voted  for  a  resolution  to  combine  Thanks 
giving,  Christmas  and  New  Years  in  one  general 
holiday,  and  christen  the  same  "Thankschrisyear's." 
He  wanted  to  inquire  if  the  Club  still  adhered  to  its 
ideas,  and  if  so,  what  day  it  would  observe. 

Samuel  Shin  just  missed  knocking  down  the 
stovepipe  as  he  arose  to  inquire  if  the  Fourth  of 


118  THE  LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

July  couldn't  be  voted  back  into  the  middle  of 
January. 

Trustee  Fullback  was  in  favor  of  a  consolidation. 
He  didn't  have  chicken  now  on  any  of  the  three 
winter  holidays,  and  if  they  were  combined  in  one, 
he  might  possibly  scrape  up  a  pullet. 

The  Hon.  Gazeteer  Larkins  was  sorry  that  he 
could  not  agree  with  the  Senator  from  the  Fifth, 
but  he  would  rather  have  more  holidays  than  less. 
He  didn't  always  have  plum  pudding  and  chicken 
pot-pie  for  a  holiday  dinner,  but  those  days  always 
gave  him  a  chance  to  sit  around  the  stove  and  warm 
his  heels  clear  through. 

Several  other  members  spoke  for  and  against  the 
proposition,  and  the  Club  then  adopted  a  resolution 
combining  the  three  winter  holidays  in  one  and 
naming  it  as  above. 

THANKS. 

A  firm  in  Boston  forwarded  an  offer  to  supply  the 
Club  with  enough  oilcloth  to  cover  all  the  benches 
and  stools  for  winter  at  twenty  per  cent,  below  reg 
ular  wholesale  rates,  and  the  Secretary  was  instruc 
ted  to  write  a  letter  of  thanks  in  reply  and  ascertain 
if  he  could,  how  many  degrees  colder  oilcloth  is  on  a 
cold  day  than  regular  ice. 

The  meeting  then  adjourned. 


THE  AIRY  PERKINS. 

AT  this  stage  of  the  proceedings  Sweetbriar  Per 
kins  stood  up  in  the  northwest  corner  of  the  Hall, 
flourished  a  red  silk  handkerchief,  adjusted  his  lav- 


THE   LIME-KILN    CLUB.  119 

ender  tie,  and  announced  that  he  arose  to  a  question 
of  privilege.  He  had  just  returned  from  a  trip  to 
Ohio,  and  during  a  short  stay  at  Cincinnati  he  had 
been  refused  permission,  or  rather  the  right,  to  eat 
at  the  tables  with  other  guests.  The  waiter  had 
seated  him  at  a  small  side  table,  with  no  other  com 
pany,  and  had  even  thrown  out  hints  that  he  should 
have  sought  a  cheaper  hotel.  Brother  Perkins  felt 
that  the  Club  had  been  insulted  through  him, 
and  he  wanted  to  know  what  action  would  be 
taken. 

"  It  will  take  no  furder  ackshun  dan  to  reprimand 
you  fur  your  impertinence,"  replied  the  President. 
"  In  de  fust  place  you  had  no  money  to  speak  of,  an' 
had  no  bizness  in  a  fust-class  hotel.  In  de  nex'  place 
you  forgot  your  origin.  You  had  no  mo' bizness  sit- 
tin'  'longside  o'  white  ladies  an'  gem'len  dan  dey 
would  have  in  luggin  pails  o'  whitewash  aroun'  de 
street.  I  know  all  about  de  Civil  Rights  law,  but  it 
doan'  count.  De  people  who  made  it  had  no  sympa 
thy  fur  us.  Not  a  man  who  woted  fur  it  would  sit 
beside  us  at  de  table  or  in  a  theatre.  De  law  of  pro- 
teckshun  applies  to  a  cow  as  well  as  a  hoss — to  a 
goose  as  well  as  a  calf.  Boaf  am  equal  in  law — boaf 
have  de  same  rights  in  law,  but  do  you  see  cows 
mixin'  wid  hosses,  an'  tryin'  to  equal  'em  in  pullin' 
an'  walkin'  an'  trottin'?  Am  a  goose  veal  bekase  it 
has  de  same  rights  as  a  calf?  Do  calves  try  to  fly 
bekase  de  air  am  as  free  to  calves  as  to  geese.  If  I 
should  see  a  white  man  sot  down  to  a  table  wid 
twenty  black  men  I  should  dispise  him,  an'  de  black 
man  who  fo'ces  his  presence  upon  white  folks  should 
be  taken  by  de  neck  an'  bounced  inter  de  fust  hoss 
pond.  Brudder  Perkins,  you  am  a  leetle  too  airy  fur 


120  THE  LIME -KILN   CLUB. 

a  black  man,  an'  about  sebenteen  shades  too  dark 
fur  a  white  one,  an'  onless  you  make  a  change  your 
fate  is  sealed." 


DE  GOOD  OLE  DAYS. 

''What  I  am  longin'  arter,"  said  Brother  Gardner 
as  Trustee  Fullback  ceased  coughing  and  Samuel 
Shin  finally  got  a  rest  for  his  feet,  "  what  I  am 
longin'  arter  am  a  sight  of  a  good,  old-fashioned 
man  or  woman — sich  as  we  could  find  in  ebery  house 
thirty  y'ars  ago,  but  sich  as  cannot  be  found  now  in 
a  week's  hunt.  It  makes  me  lonesome  when  I  real 
ize  dat  our  old-fashioned  men  an  women  are  no  mo'. 
In  de  days  gone  by,  if  I  fell  sick,  one  woman  would 
run  in  wid  catnip,  anoder  wid  horseradish  leaves, 
anoder  wid  a  bowl  o'  gruel,  an'  tears  would  be  shed, 
an'  kind  words  spoken,  an'  one  couldn't  stay  sick  to 
save  him.  In  dose  good  ole  days  de  kaliker  dress 
an'  white  apron  abounded.  An  honest  woman 
wasn't  afeard  to  wash  her  face  on  account  of  de 
powder.  Ebery  woman  wore  her  own  ha'r,  an'  she 
wore  it  to  plea.se  herself  instead  of  fashun.  Thick 
shoes  kept  her  feet  dry,  thick  clothes  kept  her  body 
warm,  an'  dar  was  no  winkin'  and'  wobblin'  an' 
talkiii'  frew  de  teef. 

"  Dar  was  goodness  in  de  land  in  dem  good  ole 
days.  Dar  was  prayin'  to  God,  an'  de  hearts  meant 
it.  De  woman  who  wore  a  No.  6  shoe  was  as  good 
as  a  woman  wid  a  fo^t  all  pinched  out  of  shape  an' 
kivered  wid  co'ns.  You  didn't  h'ar  much  'bout 
beach  o'  promise  cases  an'  odder  deviltry.  De  man 
who  parts  his  ha'r  in  de  middle,  an'  believes  he 


BROTHER  GARDNER  IN   THE   BOSOM  OF  HIS  FAMILY. 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  121 

mashes  his  wictims  by  do  score  wasn't  Tbo'n  den. 
People  didn't  let  deir  nayburs  die  under  deir  noses 
widout  eben  knowin'  dat  sickness  had  come  to  de 
family.  Men  worked  hard  an'  put  in  full  time,  an' 
women  foun'  sunthin'  to  do  besides  gaddin'  de 
streets  to  show  off  a  small  foot  or  a  new  bonnet. 

"  De  world  calls  it  progress.  We  must  shut  our 
hearts  against  our  naybur,  sacrifice  all  fur  fashun, 
conceal  our  limps  an'  pains,  appear  what  we  am  not, 
an'  when  we  go  to  de  grave  fur  rest  we  am  forgotten 
in  a  week.  Whar  one  woman  looks  to  Heaben  a 
dozen  looks  to  fashun.  Whar  one  man  helps  de 
poo'  from  kindness  of  heart  a  dozen  chip  in  because 
de  list  of  names  will  be  published  in  de  paper. 
When  I  sot  down  of  an  evenhr  an'  fink  dese  fings 
ober  it  makes  me  sad.  I  doan'  know  jist  how  wick 
ed  Sodom  was,  nor  what  deviltry  dey  was  up  to  in 
Gomorrah,  but  if  either  town  had  mo'  wanity,  wick 
edness,  frivolity  an'  deceit  dat  Detroit,  Chicago, 
Buffalo,  or  any  odder  city  in  dis  kentry,  rents  mus' 
have  bin  awful  high." 

SPRING  DECORATIONS. 

The  Committee  on  Decorative  Art  announced 
their  readiness  to  submit  the  regular  monthly  re 
port,  and  leave  being  given,  the  Chairman  stated 
that  the  advent  of  spring  would  bring  many  new 
changes.  All  kitchen  ceilings  will  be  given  a  sky- 
blue  cast,  with  faint  streaks  of  old  gold  around  the 
edges.  The  popular  shade  of  walls  and  fences  will 
be  an  aristocratic  purple,  toned  around  the  knot 
holes  with  a  rich  pink.  Outside  blinds  will  be  paint 
ed  a  dove-color  and  trimmed  with  second  mourning. 
Rag  carpet  can  be  bordered  with  stripes  of  blue 


122  THE  LIME-KILN   CLUR. 

horse-blanket  where  the  family  desires  to  combine 
a  light  atmosphere  with  a  dreamy  effect.  Old  hats 
have  long  been  considered  en  regie  for  filling  the 
place  of  broken  window  panes,  but  decorative  gen 
ius  has  found  something  new.  Card  board  cats, 
printed  in  colors  and  made  all  sizes,  are  pinned  to 
the  sash  so  neatly  that  the  passer-by  is  struck  with 
admiration.  Where  six  or  eight  panes  are  broken 
in  the  same  window,  and  six  or  eight  cats  are  pinned 
to  the  sash,  the  general  effect  is  decidedly  pictur 
esque. 


HOW  UNCLE  PETE  DIED. 

"  IT  am  my  painful  dooty,"  said  the  President  as 
the  meeting  was  called  to  order,  "to  announce  de 
fack  dat  Brudder  Kanaby  passed  from  airth  away 
yesterday  arternoon.  He  was  known  to  moas'  of  us 
as  Uncle  Pete,  an'  I  believe  he  has  passed  away  wid- 
ont  leavin'  an  inemy  behind  him.  Who  does  not  re 
member  his  white  ha'r,  wrinkled  face,  kindly  voice 
an'  good-natured  smile?  Who  kin  not  remember  his 
kin'  words  and  good  deeds?  Who  eber  axed  him  fur 
help  dat  he  did  not  get  it? 

''An'  poo'  ole  Uncle  Peter  am  no  mo'  among  us! 
Some  few  of  us  war  up  dar'  when  he  breathed  his 
last,  an'  none  of  us  will  soon  forgit  how  he  passed 
away.  When  you  see  de  cold,  dead  face  at  de  fun 
eral  to-morrer  you  will  see  dat  it  carries  de  same  kin' 
smile  as  in  life.  He  died  feelin'  dat  he  was  gwine 
home.  He  was  only  a  poo'  ole  black  man,  not  able  to 
read  or  write,  and  all  frew  his  life  he  had  met  wid 
sorrows  an'  misfortunes.  Men  had  told  him  dat  he 
had  no  soul.  Men  had  told  him  dat  dere  was  no  God. 


THE  LIME-KILN   CLUB.  123 

Men  had  laffed  at  him  fur  believirT  dar  was  a  here 
after  fur  weary  souls.     An'  yit  how  did  he  die? 

"  When  de  poo'  ole  man  realized  dat  de  summons 
had  come  his  smile  was  like  dat  of  a  child's.  De 
prayer  he  made  will  ring  in  my  ears  foreber.  In  his 
heart,  so  soon  to  be  still,  he  felt  dat  his  long  y'ars  of 
faith  war'  'bout  to  be  rewarded.  He  had  held  fast 
through  darkness  and  scoffin'  an'  trial  an'  dispair,  an 
now  de  reward  was  clus  at  ban'.  Dar  war'  tears  in 
our  eyes  an'  we  coul'd  not  see,  but  we  knew  what  he 
saw.  If  eber  mortal  eyes  looked  into  Heaben,  dat 
curtain  was  lifted  to  him.  Wid  his  hands  clasped — 
wid  a  heart  puttin'  its  trust  in  God  to  de  las' — wid  a 
smile  which  showed  nuffin'  but  faith  an'  trust  dis  ole 
man  slipped  from  de  lovin'  hands  around  him  an' 
jined  de  percession  which  am  allus  marchin'  from 
de  shores  of  airth  to  de  gates  of  glory.  As  many 
of  you  as  can  make  it  convenient  will  attend  de 
funeral  to-morrer,  and  de  Janitor  will  see  dat  de 
wacant  cha'r  am  decked  wid  crape  fur  de  usual 
thirty  days." 

OUR  COLORED   HEROES. 

The  President  announced  that  it  was  time  to  be 
stow  the  semi-annual  prize  offered  by  the  Club  for 
the  greatest  display  of  heroism  by  any  colored  man 
in  North  America,  and  he  called  for  the  report  of 
the  committee.  Waydown  Bebee,  Chairman  of  said 
committee,  reported  that  he  had  several  cases  to 
mention,  as  follows: 

1.  The  case  of  Harrison  Dayball  Carter,  of  Ten 
nessee,  who  plunged  into  a  burning  building  and 
brought  out  a  baby  in  one  hand  and  a  gallon  jug  of 
whisky  in  the  other.  It  could  not  be  definitely  as- 


124  THE  LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

certained  whether  the  jug  or  the  baby  incited  Mr. 
Carter  to  his  heroic  act. 

2.  The  case  of   Gen.   Pompeii  Jones,  who  put  a 
string  around  a  mad  dog's  neck  and  led  him  into  a 
suburb  of  St.  Louis.     It  had  been  charged  that  the 
General  did  not  know  that  the  dog  was  mad,  and 
picked  him  up  with  the  intention  of   being  a  dog 
ahead. 

3.  The  case  of  Elder  Theopholis  Smith,  of  Georgia, 
who  plunged  into  a  raging  flood  to  rescue  a  boy  10 
years  old.      It   had  been  asserted  that  he  did  not 
plunge  until  the  boy's  father  had  offered  a  reward  of 
$100,  and  the  committee  could  not  come  to  any  con 
clusion. 

4.  The  case  of   George  Washington  Defoe,  who 
descended  into  a  well  thirty-eight  feet  deep  to  rescue 
a  man  who  had  just  cheated  him  blind  on  a  mule 
trade,  and  who  refused  a  reward  of  fifteen  cents  for 
his  noble  efforts.     This  case,  in  the  opinion  of  the 
committee,  was  the  most  deserving,  and  on  the  ques 
tion  being  put  the  Club  was  unanimous  in  voting  the 
prize  to  Mr.  Defoe.     The  prize  consists  of  a  silver- 
plated  tobacco-box,  with  a  compass  in  the  lid,  and 
the  Secretary  was  instructed  to  mail  it  to  the  hero 
forthwith. 

THE  GLEE   CLUB. 

The  Glee  Club  then  tuned  up  and  sung  and  played 
the  following  so  beautifully  that  the  Hall  clock 
stopped  dead  still  at  five  minutes  to  ten. 

De  robin  am  chirpin' 

De  blue-bird  am  singin' 
De  voice  of  de  blue  jay  am  heard  in  de  land- 

De  wild  ducks  am  flyin' 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  125 

De  ganders  am  sighin' 
An'  de  big  bunko  man  he  am  showin'  his  hand. 

De  mud's  growin'  deeper, 

An'  thunder's  a  comin', 
An'  de  possum  comes  out  of  his  log  fur  to  see; 

De  warm  rain's  a  fallin', 
De  spring  calf  am  bawlin', 

Ad'  de  white-washin'  season  has  opened  for  me. 

REPORTS. 

The  Committee  on  Astronomy  reported  a  riot  on 
the  sun's  surface,  but  advised  everybody  to  go  to  bed 
at  the  usual  hour. 

The  Committee  on  Ways  and  Means  reported  in 
favor  of  increasing  the  number  of  political  offices  in 
this  country;  likewise  an  increase  of  jails  and  prisons. 

The  Committee  on  Agriculture  reported  that  it 
had  contracted  cider  to  be  delivered  in  October  at  $1 
per  barrel. 

The  Committee  on  Sanitary  Measures  could  not 
say  that  a  barrel  of  soap-grease  in  the  cellar  of  a 
house  would  create  dampness  in  the  parlor  bed  room, 
but  the  matter  was  being  investigated. 

The  Librarian  reported  the  number  of  almanacs 
of  the  date  of  1882  on  hand  at  2,827,  and  more  com 
ing  by  every  mail. 

The  remainder  of  the  business  of  national  impor 
tance  was  placed  on  ice,  the  water-pail  turned  bot 
tom-side  up,  and  the  meeting  slid  down  stairs,  while 
the  Glee  Club  sang:  "Oh!  Who  Would  Die  This 
Summer?" 


126  THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

DE  GOOD  MAN. 

THE  President  ordered  thirteen  windows  to  be 
raised,  the  ice  in  the  water-pail  to  be  renewed, 
and  all  the  dogs  turned  out  of  the  room,  and  then 
said: 

'•  When  you  cum  across  a  man  who  has  no  vices 
nor  weaknesses,  drap  him  as  you  would  a  hot  'tater. 
De  Lawd  intended  man  to  be  mo'  or  less  weak, 
wicked  an'  wretched.  It  was  not  de  ideah  to  turn 
out  a  perfeck  man.  If  it  had  been,  we  should  have 
had  neither  religion,  preacher  nor  Bible.  Airth 
would  have  bin  Heaben,  an'  dar  would  have  bin  no 
call  to  die. 

"  Natur'  sometimes  turns  out  a  pusson  widout 
guile,  jist  as  she  turns  out  one-eyed  colts  an'  three- 
legged  calves.  Sich  pussons  soon  become  known  as 
either  fools  or  lunatics.  It  am  agin  natur's  way  to 
bring  men  into  dis  world  wid  an  angel's  wings  al 
ready  half  grown.  An'  it  am  a  leetle  suspicious  to 
find  a  too-good  man.  When  you  diskiver  a  human 
bein'  who  isn't  lame  some  whar' — who  neber  deceives, 
cheats,  lies,  envies,  covets — who  goes  about  satisfied 
wid  de  weather,  craps  an'  himself — who  won't  bet, 
drink,  go  to  de  circus  or  look  upon  a  hoss  race,  you 
have  found  a  man  to  let  alone.  He  am  too  good. 
Natur'  made  him  fur  an  angel  an'  forgot  to  put  him 
in  Heaben. 

"  I  like  a  man  who  has  weakness  an'  sins.  Den  I 
know  dat  he  am  a  feller-mortal  who  was  put  on  airth 
to  be  saved.  I  like  a  man  who  has  had  sickness, 
heartaches  an'  grievous  trouble.  Den  I  am  sartin  of 
a  man  who  has  sympathy.  I  like  a  man  who  has 
bin  fp.olish.  'nuff  to  git  drunk  an'  strong  'nuff  to  ki 


THE  LIME-KILN   CLUB.  127 

de  temptashun  ober  a  seben-rail  fence.  Den  you 
know  whar'  to  find  him.  He  has  bin  dar  an'  knows 
what  a  fool  he  was.  I  like  a  man  who  has  bin  a  liar, 
an'  who  hasen't  entirely  recovered  from  de  injury. 
Den  I  know  how  to  trade  hosses  wid  him,  an'  I 
know  what  to  believe  when  he  tells  me  dat  he  has 
bin  fishin'.  If  a  goody-good  nay  bur  borrys  my 
spade  I  doan'  know  when  it  will  cum  home,  nor 
how  much  of  it  will  be  left.  If  a  thief  takes  it  for  a 
loan  I  am  pretty  sartin  to  rekiver  it  in  a  day  or  two 
an'  in  good  condishun. 

"  When  a  man  tells  me  dat  he  has  become  so  good 
dat  he  feels  like  bustin',  I  go  right  home  an'  put  an 
extra  padlock  on  my  kitchen  doah.  When  a  man 
sheds  tears  ober  de  condishun  of  de  far-off  heathen, 
de  heathen  at  home  had  better  be  keerful  how  dey 
lend  him  money.  De  man  whose  conscience  won't 
let  him  go  to  a  place  of  amusement,  has  bin  known 
to  elope  wid  anoder  man's  wife.  De  man  who  can't 
remember  dat  he  eber  used  an  oath  or  tole  a  lie  has 
bin  follered  across  de  ocean  an  arrested  fur  robbiii' 
widders  an'  orphans,  Pe  man  who  allus  w'ars 
a  smile  am  now  sarvin'  his  third  term  iri  State 
Prison. 

"  Let  me  say  to  you  in  sumin1  up  dat  de  man  who 
sins  an'  knows  it  an'  wants  to  do  better,  am  sooner 
to  be  trusted  dan  de  man  who  neber  sins  an'  feels 
dat  he  am  good  'nuff.  If  you  lie  to  a  man,  let  it  be 
a  man  who  feels  dat  he  am  weak  an'  sinful.  You 
will  den  have  a  pardner  who  am  not  a  freak  of  Na- 
tur'.  Let  us  now  embarass  ourselves  wic[  de  reg'lar 
order  of  bigness." 


128  THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

ABOUT  PROGRESS. 

THE  report  of  the  Committee  on  Arts  and  Sciences 
being  called  for,  the  Chairman,  Two-Ply  Hastings, 
said  that  he  had  nothing  new  to  announce.  As  to 
the  query  from  Liverpool,  England:  "Are  we  pro 
gressing  as  fast  as  we  might  in  Art  and  Science?"  he 
would  answer  no.  Science  is  still  in  its  baby-clothes 
— Art  still  clings  to  the  nursing-bottle.  Science  as 
serted  that  the  world  had  stood  for  10,000,000  years, 
but  when  you  come  to  shake  a  $10  bill  at  a  savant 
and  ask  him  to  cover  it  he  loses  faith  in  his  asser 
tions.  Art  had  decorated  cuspadors  until  any  man 
with  the  instincts  of  a  gentleman  felt  obliged  to  spit 
in  his  coat-tail  pocket.  Two-gallon  jugs  had  been 
turned  into  such  objects  of  vertu  that  drink  for  har 
vest  hands  must  now  be  carried  in  the  field  in  sed 
entary  and  unromantic  wooden  pails.  But  Art 
had  only  been  awakened — only  been  measured  for 
its  first  pair  of  shoes.  The  day  was  coming  when 
every  fashionable  dwelling  in  America  would  out 
shine  a  circus  band-wagon,  and  every  kitchen  wood- 
box  would  reflect  ecenery  so  wild  as  to  frighten 
small  children  into  fits.  We  are  not  progressing  in 
Art  and  Science  as  fast  as  we  might,  and  the  princi 
pal  reason  therefor  is  the  high  price  of  yellow  paint, 
whitewash  brushes  and  wash-bluing. 

The  Committee  on  Agriculture  reported  fine 
weather  for  Canada  thistles,  and  that  sunflowers 
were  coming  out  right  smart. 

The  Committee  on  the  Judiciary  reported  in  favor 
of  a  law  making  it  a  penal  offense  for  a  butcher- 
cart  to  run  over  more  than  six  persons  per  week. 

The  Committee  on  Foreign  affairs  advised  the 
recall  of  twelve  American  Consuls,  and  the  substi- 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  129 

tution  of  the  same  number  of  cheap  stone  dogs  in 
their  stead. 

The  Committee  on  Ways  and  Means  reported  in 
favor  of  substituting  hymn-books  in  the  Indian  ra 
tions  in  place  of  Hour,  and  after  a  sharp  debate  on 
what  sort  of  binding  should  be  used  in  case  the 
change  was  made,  the  meeting  went  home  by  the 
shortest  cuts. 


NONE  O'  YOUR  BUSINESS. 

"WHEN  a  man  axes  me  who  libs  nex'  doah,"  be 
gan  the  old  man  as  the  triangle  sounded  to  order, 
"I  answer  him  Brown  or  Jones  or  White,  or  what 
ever  de  name  may  be,  but  when  he  goes  beyond  dat 
an'  axes  what  salary  de  man  aims,  how  often  his 
wife  changes  bonnets  an'  how  dey  make  seben  dol 
lars  a  week  go  furder  dan  I  kin  fo'teen,  I  become  a 
clam.  I  has  no  business  to  know,  an'  when  I  do 
know  I  won't  tell.  I  used  to  have  some  curiosity  in 
dis  direcshun,  but  I  has  got  ober  it  of  late  y'ars. 
When  I  know  dat  a  sartin  man,  receivin'  a  salary  of 
812  per  week,  kin  give  parties,  hire  carriages  an' 
dress  his  wife  in  silks,  it  makes  me  glum.  Dat  is,  it 
used  to.  I  used  to  wonder  why  I  couldn't  do  de 
same  thing  on  de  same  money,  but  I  nebber  yould. 
When  de  ole  woman  used  to  tell  me  dat  sartin  women 
had  new  silks,  new  hats,  new  close  an'  new  shoes 
once  a  month  de  y'ar  rouii',  an'  we  havin'  to  lib  clus 
on  de  same  money,  it  made  me  mad.  Dat  is,  it  used 
to.  When  I  saw  men  who  owed  fur  deir  washin' 
struttin'  aroun'  like  lords,  while  I  had  to  work  seben 
days  in  a  week  an'  pay  my  debts,  I  felt  like  smash- 


130  THE    LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

in'  frew  de  sidewalk.  But  T  has  got  ober  all  dis 
When  I  meet  a  woman  who  kin  dress  like  aHbanker's 
wife  on  de  $10  or  $12  per  week  paid  her  husband,  I 
doan'  'low  myself  toeben  fink  about  it.  When  I  see 
a  man  buyin'  twenty- cent  cigars,  sportin'  a  cane  an' 
takin'  champaigne,  while  his  chillen  at  home  am 
bar'fut,  I  try  to  believe  dat  it  am  all  right.  When  a 
lady  wid  $300  worf  of  close  on  axes  me  to  do  a  job  of 
white  wash  in'  in  a  parlor  whar  de  bes'  pictur's  come 
from  a  tea  store  an'  de'  bes'  cha'r  am  under  chattel 
mortgage,  I  doan'  stop  to  wonder  who  she  thinks 
she  am  fool  in'.  Nayburs  ob  mine  who  owe  all  de 
butchers  widin  a  circle  of  a  mile,  kin  pay  fo'  dollahs 
cash  fur  a  libery  rig  on  Sunday  an'  I  shant  criticise. 
Wives  may  go  shoppin'  ebery  day  in  de  week  an' 
gin  parties  ebery  night,  an'  my  ole  w-oman  will  keep 
de  cabin  jist  de  same.  Since  we  quit  wonderin'  an' 
speculatin'  ober  dese  tings  we  feel  much  better.  We 
know  fur  a  fact  jist  how  fur  we  kin  make  money  go. 
If  odder  folks  kin  lib  like  lords  on  a  salary  of  $000  a 
y'ar  it's  a  streak  of  good  luck  an'  none  of  our  biz- 
ness.  My  advice  to  you  am  to  let  sich  fings  pass. 
Dey  are  mysteries  wid  whicli  we  have  no  bizness, 
an'  de  mo'  you  ponder  ober  dem  de  less  you  will  in- 
joy  what  you  have  honestly  aimed  by  hard  work 
an'  saved  by  good  economy." 

CAN'T  TELL  YET. 

A  communication  from  South  Carolina  made  in 
quiry  as  to  whether  the  Lime-Kiln  Club  was  in  har 
mony  with  the  various  State  Legislatures,  and 
BrotheivGardner  replied  that  he  could  not  return  a 
decided  answer  yet.  They  were  in  harmony  on. 
finance,  foreign  policy  and  civil  service  reform,  and 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  131 

all  had  faith  that  cold  tea  was  good  for  weak  eyes, 
but  they  might  differ  on  other  questions.  He  had 
prepared  and  intended  to  forward  to  the  different 
legislative  bodies  the  following  resolution: 

Resolved,  Dat  we  refuse  all  free  passes  on  railroads,  discourage 
set  speeches,  oppose  a  long  seshun,  favor  a  reduction  of  salary, 
an'  agree  not  to  vote  fur  any  private  bills." 

All  those  who  adopted  the  above  would  be  closely 
in  harmony  with  the  Lime-Kiln  Club. 

ABOUT   EMBLEMS. 

A  communication  from  Oberlin,  0.,  signed  by 
Judge  Burnett,  Ben  Colwell,  Prof.  Lane  and  other 
colored  men  of  national  renown,  stated  that  the  col 
ored  people  of  the  Buckeye  State  had  concluded  to 
adopt  the  sunflower  as  their  emblem,  and  the  assis 
tance  of  the  club  in  making  it  national  was  solicited. 

"  I  doan'  take  no  stock  in  emblems,"  replied  Brother 
Gardner  as  the  letter  was  filed  for  answer.  "  De 
laziest  crowd  I  eber  knode  had  a  beaver  fur  it's  em 
blem.  I  have  seen  a  dozen  saloons  wid  bee-hives 
ober  de  doahs.  A  man  may  take  a  white  dove  fur 
his  emblem  an'  yit  keep  his  wife  carry  in'  a  black  eye 
ten  months  in  de  y'ar.  If  de  cull'd  people  of  Ohio 
feel  de  need  of  an  emblem  de  sunflower  is  as  good 
as  any  odder.  It's  a  flower  which  stays  out  all  night 
widout  goin'  to  sleep  nex'  day.  You  can  allus 
tell  whar'  to  find  it.  It  grows  faster  dan  de  tur 
nip,  an'  produces  a  bigger  head  dan  de  cucum 
ber.  Dis  Club  won't  pledge  itself  to  any  pertickler 
emblem  at  present,  but  will  continue  to  do  white- 
washin'  at  de  same  reasonable  figgers,  an'  put  a  bet 
ter  shine  on  a  stove  fur  twenty-five  cents  dan  any 
odder  Club  does  fur  forty," 


132  THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

A   HARD   TASK. 

The  Committee  on  Pains  and  Anxieties,  who  were 
several  weeks  ago  ordered  to  investigate  the  subject 
of  warts',  corns  and  bunions  and  report  thereon,  now 
announce  that  their  investigation  had  been  pushed 
as  far  as  possible,  with  but  few  satisfactory  results. 
They  would  report: 

1.  "  De  wart  doan'  amount  to  much  onless  it  comes 
on  deeand  of  de  nose.    We  traced  it  back  to  de  y'ar 
740,  an'  den  we  got  tired  an'  went  home.     Warts  am 
sometimes  a  sign  of    a  culchured  mind,  an'  some 
times  dey  ain't.     De  way  to  git  shet  of  'em  is  to  riz 
up  at  midnight  fur  three  successive  nights  an'  make 
faces  at  yerself  in  de  lookin'-glass. 

2.  "  De  co'n  wouldn't  be  noticed  by  any  respecta 
ble  pusson  if  it  didn't  grow  on  de  foot.     We   kin 
trace  it  back  to  de  drift  period,  an'  we  kin  give  a  list 
of  ober  10,000  distinguished  pussons  who  hev  had 
from  one  to  fo'  at  a  time.     Dar  am  ober  fifty  cures 
for  co'ns,  not  one  of  which  am  wuth  shucks.     One 
of  de  bes'  remedies  we  know  of  am  to  hev  boaf  feet 
cut  off  at  de  ankles.     In  dat  way  you  am  sartin  to 
git  dc  bulge  on  'em. 

3.  "De  bunion  am  an  invenshun  to  take  de  place 
of  knockin'  a  man  down  wid  a  rail  an'  draggin'  him 
all  ober  a  hull  county  by  de  ha'r  of  his  head.     Arter 
a  bunion  freezes  to  you  it  can't  be  coaxed  to  go  on  a 
wacashun,  nor  bribed  to  let  go  am'  tackle  some  odder 
mortal.     It  goes  to  bed  wid  you  an'  rises  up  wid  you 
an'  it  neber  lets  you  forget  dat  it  am  on  hair  an'  fully 
prepar'd  fur  de  bizness.     Pussons  hev  got  rid  of  'em 
by  gwine  ober  Niagara  Falls,  an'  by  walkin'  on  de 
railroad  track," 


LIME-KlLN  CLUB.  133 


SWEARING  OFF. 

"  We  am  now  about  to  cloze,"  said  the  President, 
as  he  looked  over  Waydown  Bebee's  head  at  the 
clock,  "an'  I  want  to  say  a  word  about  swarin'  off 
on  New  Y'ars  Day.  Doan'  do  it.  De  man  of  bad 
habits  who  waits  fur  a  sartin  day  in  order  to  swar 
off,  won't  reform  wuth  a  cent.  It  is  my  opinyon  dat 
we  mus'  take  de  comforts  of  life  as  we  go  'long.  If 
you  like  to  smoke  keep  on  smokin'.  If  you  like  to 
chaw,  keep  on  chawin'.  If  you  hev  any  pertickler 
expreshun  which  you  use  when  you  stub  your  toes 
agin  a  stone,  doan'  let  go  of  it  simply  bekase  a  new 
y'ar  has  come.  All  dat  am  'spected  of  you  am  dat 
you  airn  your  money  honestly,  pay  your  debts 
promptly,  use  your  family  well,  an'  cast  your  infloo- 
ence  on  de  side  of  right.  I  shall  look  fur  you  to  do 
dis  all  de  time,  widout  settin'  any  sartin  day  to  be 
gin.  De  man  who  has  bin  waitin'  fur  a  hull  y'ar 
fur  de  first  of  Jinuary  to  arrove  so  dat  he  can 
promise  to  brace  up  am  not  wanted  among  us.  Dis 
Hall  will  be  open  to  de  public  on  Monday,  an'  I  here 
by  extend  a  hot  invitashun  to  de  Common  Council, 
Board  of  Educashun  an'  odder  public  bodies  to  come 
in  purceshun  an'  drink  sweet  cider  from  an  old-fash 
ioned  tin  dipper.  Let  us  now  abscond." 


CHAMPION  POETS. 


THE  Committee  in  whose  charge  the  prize  poems 
on  the  watermelon  have  been  given  as  fast  as  re 
ceived  since  August  1st,  reported  that  1^6  poems  had 
been  altogether  received,  each  one  written  by  a  col- 


134  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

ored  man.  The  choice  of  the  Committee  had  rested 
011  the  three  following  named  efforts: 

First  prize — "Softly  Stealing  Through  the  Melon- 
patch,"  by  Jimeberry  Smith,  of  Arkansas.  Mr. 
Smith  can  take  his  choice  between  a  hand-painted 
back-action  autograph  of  Capt.  Kidd,  or  83  in 
money. 

Second  prize — "Down  where  the  Melon  Pine^," 
by  Killem  Davis,  of  Tennessee.  Mr.  Davis  privileg 
ed  to  a  choice  between  a  pen-wiper  used  by  Oliver 
Cromwell  when  he  signed  thn  Declaration  of  Inde 
pendence  or  a  $2  bill  with  a  corner  torn  off. 

Third  prize — "Bury  me  Whar'  de  Melons  Glow," 
by  Destructive  Skivers,  of  Illinois.  Mr.  Skivers 
has  the  choice  between  an  eight  dollar  note  of  hand 
against  William  Penn  or  a  silver  dollar  with  a  hole 
in  it. 

While  the  Committee  were  limited  to  three  prizes, 
and  while  they  endeavored  to  select  the  best,  the 
other  123  poets  need  not  feel  discouraged.  There  is 
room  for  all,  and  those  who  continue  to  court  the 
muses  must  some  day  achieve  success.  Any  one  of 
the  rejected  poems  would  bring  the  highest  cash 
price  per  pound  even  when  the  market  was  over 
stocked. 


SOME  OBSERVASHUNS. 

"  DOORIN'  my  three  score  y'ars  of  life  I  hev  observ 
ed  some  curus  things,"  said  Brother  Gardner, 
as  the  thermometer  showed  98  degrees  and  rising. 
"  I  hev  observed,  fur  instance,  dat  de  men  mos' 
cousarned  'bout  de  welfare  of  de  kentry  am  de  men 
who  do  de  least  to  prosper  her. 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  135 

"  I  hev  obsarved  dat  de  politishun  who  sots  out 
to  save  de  kentry  am  ginerally  hauled  up  fur  rob- 
bin'  her. 

"  I  hev  obsarved  dat  de  men  who  seem  to  hev  de 
mos'  sympathy  fur  de  poo'  neber  wait  five  minits  to 
foreclose  a'chattel  mortgage. 

"I  hev  obsarved  dat  good  cloze  an' impudence 
will  pass  fur  riches  an'  educashun. 

"  I  hev  obsarved  dat  brag  an'  bluster  am  better 
weapons  dan  argymeiit  an'  truf. 

"  I  hev  obsarved  dat  a  grand  monument  in  a 
graveyard  doan'  hide  de  meanness  of  a  dead  man's 
relashuns. 

"  I  hev  obsarved  dat  charity  kin  make  paupers  al 
most  as  fast  as  a  conflagrashun. 

"  I  hev  obsarved  dat  while  all  agree  dat  hon 
esty  am  de  best  policy,  not  one  man  in  a  hundred 
hesitates  to  work  a  lead  nickel  off  on  a  street  kyar 
company. 

"  I  hev  obsarved  many  odder  things  equally 
strange  and  inconsistent,  an'  I  am  prepared  to  say 
to  ypu: 

"Mottoes  doan'  mean  bizness. 

"Maxims  kin  be  forgotten  faster  dan  written. 

"  Promises  am  a  wheel  wid  one  cog  gone. 

"Friendship  will  last  as  long  as  you  kin  afford 
to  pay  ten  per  cent,  per  annum.  Let  us  now  pur- 
ceed  to  bizness." 

THE  FIRST  TWINGES. 

Colonel  Anniversary  Williams  said  he  took  the 
floor  in  the  interest  of  4,000,000  colored  people.  Dur 
ing  the  past  three  days  he  had  felt  that  uneasy  mo 
tion  around  his  heels  which  precedes  an  outbreak  of 


136  THE   LIME- KILN  CLUB. 

chilblains,  and  by  this  time  next  week  he  expected 
to  have  a  full-grown  mine  on  hand.  This  early  out 
break  of  symptoms  was  sufficient  to  excite  the  grav 
est  alarm,  and  he  hoped  the  Kime-Kilu  Club  would 
come  to  the  rescue  by  securing  a  remedy  at  whatev 
er  cost. 

The  Secretary  was  instructed  to  offer  a  reward  of 
$50  for  a  certain  remedy,  and  likewise  correspond 
with  the  Agricultural  Department  and  ask  if  Gen. 
Le  Due  did  not,  some  six  or  seven  years  ago,  advise 
chilblained  patients  to  wear  cornstalks  in  their 
boots  for  a  cure. 

A  DELICATE  QUESTION. 

A  letter  from  a  Fourth  Ward  Alderman  in  the 
City  of  Mobile,  contained  an  inquiry  as  to  how  far  a 
member  of  the  Lime-Kiln  Club  was  licensed  to 
save  property  at  a  fire,  and  Brother  Gardner  re 
plied: 

"  Dat  am  a  delicate  queshun  to  handle.  If  a  mem 
ber  of  dis  Club  should  be  aroused  at  midnight  by  de 
cry  of  fiah,  an'  should  find  dat  de  flames  was  de- 
vourin'  de  grocery  on  de  co'ner,  he  would  naturally 
feel  like  rushin'  in  an'  helpin'  to  remove  de  sugar, 
an'  coffee,  an'  codfish  an'  flour.  In  his  excitement 
an'  zeal,  he  might  tote  some  of  de  stuff  home  to 
keep  it  from  de  flames.  I  doan'  say  dat  de  only 
safe  plan  am  to  sit  on  top  de  fence  an'  see  de  stuff 
burn  up,  but  I  warn  all  members  of  dis  Club  to  keep 
so  powerful  cool  in  time  of  fiah  dat  a  sarch  warrant 
nex'  day  won't  turn  up  a  box  of  soap  in  de  hen 
coop." 


THE  LIME  KILN  CLUB.  13? 

RESOLUTION   OF   SYMPATHY. 

Giveadam  Jones  then  offered  the  following  one- 
horse  resolution: 

"  Resolved,  Dat  dis  Club  extends  its  heartfelt  sympathy  to  the 
people  of  each  an'  ebery  State  in  which  there  am  to  be  a  Session 
of  de  Legislachure  dis  winter." 

The  resolution  was  adopted  by  a  vote  of  1G8  to  1, 
Elder  Toots  voting  in  the  negative  to  spite  Samuel 
Shin  for  waking  him  out  of  his  first  nap. 

AGRICULTURE. 

THE  Committee  on  Agriculture  submitted  its  reg 
ular  quarterly  report  through  the  Chairman,  Prof. 
J.  Skyhoof,  who  is  now  in  constant  correspondence 
with  the  heads  of  all  agricultural  bureaus  in  the 
world.  The  report  showed: 

1.  That  the  soothing-syrup  plant  can  be  success 
fully  cultivated  as  far  north  as  Michigan,  and  that 
the  crop  always  averages  fair  to  medium,  no  matter 
what  the  season. 

2.  Speckled  cabbage  is  steadily  growing  in  favor, 
and  will  eventually  drive  all  other  styles  out  of  the 
market. 

3.  It  costs  no  more  to  raise  an  acre  of  carrots  than 
it  does  to  raise  an  acre  of  old  stumps,  thistles,  bob 
sleds,  broken  down  wagons  and  used-up  plow-points, 
and  a  roasted  carrot  will  cure  the  worst  case  of  ear 
ache  in  seven  minutes  by  the  watch. 

The  Committee  recommended  the  use  of  windmills 
wherever  there  is  any  more  wind  than  needed  by 
local  politicians,  and  have  the  fullest  confidence  that 
the  Dairy  interests  of  America  can  be  greatly  in 
creased  by  milking  the  cows  on  the  left-hand  side. 


138  THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

RESOLUTION   DEFEATED. 

The  Rev.  Penstock  offered  the  following  resolu 
tion: 

"Resolved,  Dat  de  Lime-Kiln  Club  will  use  its  innocence  on  all 
possible  occashuns  to  suppress  de  brutal  and  barbarous  bizness  of 
prize-fightin'. 

Medicated  French  called  for  the  ayes  and  noes  on 
the  resolution,  and  without  further  remark  the  roll 
was  called  and  the  resolution  was  voted  down  by  a 
majority  of  thirty-six. 

"  While  dis  Club  may  not  favor  prize  fightin',"  ob 
served  the  president,  "  it  seems  to  hold  dat  if  two 
brutes  want  to  go  out  an'  pound  each  odder  to  pieces 
it  am  cheaper  to  get  rid  of  'em  dat  way  dan  to  hang 
'em." 

PETITIONS. 

Among  the  the  thirty  odd  applicants  for  member 
ship  were  two  of  the  most  famous  colored  men  in 
America — Gen.  Napoleon  Dodo,  of  Toronto,  who 
first  applied  sour  milk  and  mashed  potatoes  for  the 
cure  of  chilblains,  and  Judge  Slipback  Cassowary, 
of  Virginia,  who  invented  three  different  attitudes 
for  safely  milking  a  kicking  cow.  Both  of  them 
have  stood  in  the  shadow  of  the  Pyramids,  floated 
on  the  Nile,  climbed  the  mountains  of  Switzerland 
and  been  swindled  at  Niagara  Falls.  They  are  now 
ready  to  join  the  Lime-Kiln  Club,  buy  a  checker 
board  and  a  corn-cob  pipe  and  settle  down  for  a  life 
of  domestic  peace. 

INDEMNITY   WANTED. 

The  Secretary  announced  a  letter  from  a  Mrs. 
Wallaby  Smith,  of  St.  Thomas,  Ont.,  demanding 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  139 

$1,000  of  the  Club  to  indemnify  her  for  the  loss  of 
her  husband.  Against  her  earnest  protest  he  had 
decided  to  become  a  member  of  the  Club,  and  while 
on  his  way  to  the  postoffice  to  mail  his  application 
he  fell  over  an  embankment  and  broke  his  neck. 
The  Club  was  therefore  responsible  for  the  accident, 
and  the  $1,000  could  be  forwarded  by  express  or  draft 
on  New  York.  The  Secretary  was  instructed  to  deny 
jurisdiction  and  responsibility,  and  to  vigorously  de 
fend  any  attempt  to  deplete  the  treasury. 


ONLY  SONS  AND  A  PROTEST. 

•  IF  I  had  an  only  son,"  began  the  old  man  as  the 
lights  were  turned  up  and  Biblical  disputes  suddenly 
ceased,  "  if  I  had  an  only  son,  an'  he  growed  up  as 
only  sons  are  pretty  sartin  to  do,  an'  he  went  off  on 
a  Sunday  skule  picnic  an'  got  drowned,  I  should  feel 
a  leetle  sorry  an'  a  heap  thankful.  If  I  had  an  only 
darter,  an'  she  growed  up  as  only  darter's  allus 
grow,  an'  she  run  away  wid  a  lightnin'-rod  man  an' 
was  left  in  de  po'-house,  I  should  be  a  leetle  sorry 
but  not  a  bit  surprised.  De  family  wid  an  only  son 
or  an  only  darter  needs  no  odder  trouble.  When 
you  meet  a  man  who  carries  his  cigars  in  his  hind 
pocket  an'  goes  off  behind  de  barn  to  take  a  chew  of 
terbacker,  sot  him  down  fur  an  only  son.  When 
you  meet  a  man  who  flusters  an'  brags  an'  seeks  to 
lord  it  ober  odder  people'you  have  foun'  an  only  son. 
When  you  meet  a  man  who  finks  de  world  was 
made  fur  him  alone  you  have  met  an  only  son.  De 
only  son  am  de  man  who  takes  up  two  seats  in  de 
kyars — who  crowds  de  chill'en  at  a  festival — who 


140  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

eats  hisself  sick  when  he  pays  two  shillins  fur  all  he 
kin  eat.  I  doan'  say  dat  he  am  to  blame,  but  I  do 
say  dat  de  world  feels  relieved  when  he  goes  to  his 
grave.  Once  in  a  life-time  you  may  h'ar  of  an  only 
son  who  hasn't  turned  de  family  out  of  doahs  nor 
had  all  de  nayburs  fur  a  mile  aroun'  shoot  at  him 
an'  offer  to  buy  him  a  tombstone,  but  be  keerful  how 
you  believe  it. 

"  When  you  meet  a  woman  who  puts  you  in  mind 
of  selfishness  out  fur  an  airin',  sot  her  down  as  an 
only  darter.  When  you  fin'  a  woman  who  expects 
de  kyar  to  stop  in  de  middle  of  a  block — when  you 
meet  a  woman  whose  husband  am  allus  ready  to 
dodge,  sot  her  down  fur  an  only  darter.  De  only 
darter  grows  up  to  whine  an'  complain  an'  tyranize 
an'  make  de  world  mo'  wretched  fur  people  wretch- 
'nuff  befo'.  De  odder  day  I  was  called  upon  to  go 
ober  to  a  naybur's  an'  box  de  years  of  an  only  darter 
whose  poo'  ole  mudder  lay  upon  a  bed  of  sickness, 
an'  I  must  say  dat  I  kinder  enjoyed  it.  Dat  same 
ebenin'  I  was  called  upon  to  visit  anoder  naybur 
whose  only  son  wanted  to  sell  de  family  cook  stove 
to  buy  him  a  yaller  dog  an'  a  single-barreled  shot 
gun.  I  had  a  short  struggle  wid  de  young  man,  an' 
he  won't  be  out  of  bed  fur  a  week  to  come. 

"My  exper'ence  is  dat  a  family  which  de  Lawd 
has  forsaken  arter  sendin'  one  chile,  has  woe  an' 
sorrow  in  de  household.  Selfishness  takes  root  dar' 
an'  grows  amazin'  fast.  Wickedness  creeps  in  dar' 
an'  neber  lets  go.  De  small-pox  kin  be  stamped  out 
— de  yaller  fever  mus'  give  way  to  frost — de  cholera 
only  settles  down  heah  an'  dar',  but  de  only  chile 
am  allus  wid  us,  he  or  she  meets  us  ebery  day, 
walks  wid  us  f rew  life — brings  upon  us  de  larger 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  141 

sheer  of  our  miseries.  Pity  de  f'adder  vvid  an  only 
son — thrice  pity  de  mudder  wid  an  only  darter. 
Wid  dese  few  configgerashuns,  frown  out  in  a 
speerit  of  astonishment  an'  intensity  meant  to  ac 
complish  no  desirability  in  pertickler,  we  will  now 
close  de  winders,  put  a  leetle  mo'  wood  in  de  stove, 
an'  purceed  to  asphyxiate  de  transcedent  order  of  de 
inviduous  programme." 

SETTLED. 

*  Of  course,  the  Rev.  Penstock  arose.  He  couldn't 
stand  that  motion.  He  inquired  if  it  was  the  inten 
tion  of  the  Chair  to  let  those  last  remarks  he  spread 
upon  the  regular  minutes  of  the  meeting? 

"  It  am,''  was  the  quiet  reply. 

"  Den  I  protest.  De  language  am  unparliamenta 
ry  an'  foreign  to  de  pint." 

"  Brudder  Penstock,  do  you  charge  dis  Cheer  wid 
usin'  foreign  language?" 

"  No,  sah!  I  charge  de  Cheer  wid  makin'  bad  use 
of  de  English  language." 

"Brudder  Penstock,  you  jined  dis  Club  fo' y'ars 
ago.  You  am  a  preacher  of  de  Gospel,  an'  you  has 
trabeled.  You  has  bin  down  to  Tennessee,  Ken 
tucky,  Georgia,  South  Carolina,  an'  Alabama.  You 
imagine  dat  you  has  seen  de  elefant  an'  tooken  in 
de  circus.  On  varus  occaslmns  you  has  disinterrup- 
ted  de  harmony  of  de  meetin'  to  k'rect  de  language 
of  dis  Cha'r,  an'  on  varus  odder  occashuns  you  has 
intimated  dat  de  purceedins  lacked  chic  an'  tone. 
Bekase  you  know  what  sic  semper  cum  digis  solis 
pluribus  curantea  means  in  English,  you  regard  de 
rest  of  us  as  poo'  ignorant  black  trash.  Brudder 


142  THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

Penstock,  you  has  reached  de  end  of  de  clothes 
line!" 

"But,  sah — but — 

"An'  you  must  stop!  I'ze  bin  'lected  ober  all  op- 
posishun  to  run  dis  Club.  You  mus'  not  disinterfere 
wid  me.  If  you  persist  in  so  doin'  I  gib  you  fa'r 
warnin'  dat  I  shall  lay  aside  Mr.  Cushin's  manual, 
walk  down  de  aisle,  an'  move  de  prevus  queshun  in 
such  a  manner  as  will  seriously  interfere  wid  your 
feelin's.  Drap  back  on  your  cheer,  Brudder  Pen 
stock — drap  back." 

"Brother,  Penstock  " (trapped,"  but  he  is  a  man 
who  can't  be  long  suppressed. 


DBED  SCOTT  DECISION. 

' '  WILL  Brudder  Dred  Scott  Hastings  step  dis  way  ?" 
blandly  inquired  the  President  after  the  votes  were 
counted. 

Brother  Scott  stepped  up  with  a  grin  on  his  face 
as  if  he  expected  to  draw  a  chromo,  and  the  Presi 
dent  continued: 

"  Brudder  Hastings,  fo'  weeks  ago  you  was  tooken 
sick." 

"Yes,  sah." 

"You  called  in  de  doctor,  put  a  hot  brick  to  yer 
feet  an'  sent  word  to  our  Relief  Committee  to  file 
your  claim  for  $3  per  week." 

"Yes,  sah." 

"  Dat  committee  reported  favorably  on  your  case, 
an'  de  money  was  sent  you— $3  per  week  fur  two 
weeks.  Your  illness  was  said  to  be  chills  an'  fever," 
was  it,  sah," 


THE   LIME-KILN    CLUB.  143 

"Just  so;  but  what  brung'em  on?  Brudder  Hast 
ings,  I  diskivered  yesterday  dat  you  got  into  a  dis 
pute  wid  a  naybur  about  de  aige  of  Moses  when  he 
died,  had  a  fight  an'  was  knocked  into  a  ditch  full 
of  water.  Dat  was  what  started  your  chills  an' 
fever." 

"I— I— yes,  sah." 

"An'  you  lied  to  de  Relief  Committee  when  you 
claimed  to  have  got  wet  comiii'  home  from  a  fun 
eral!" 

"I — I  didn't  mean  to,  sah." 

''  An'  you  wilfully  an'  maliciously  put  up  a  job  to 
rob  dis  Club  of  $<5?" 

"•  I'll  pay  it  back,  sah." 

"  No,  you  won't!  You  haven't  seen  de  time  in  de 
last  fifteen  y'ars  dat  you  had  $0  to  spar'.  Dat  money 
am  gone,  an'  you  am  gwine  to  follow  arter  it!  You 
kin  take  down  your  hat  an'  walk  out  of  Paradise 
Hall  fur  de  las'  time.  We  want  no  men  in  dis  club 
dat  cares  wheder  Moses  was  seventy  or  700  y'ars  old 
when  he  died,  an'  we  will  not  keep  de  name  of  a  liar 
an'  deceiver  on  our  books.  Walk  out,  Misser  Hast 
ings—walk  right  out." 

Mr.  Hastings  walked  and  it  was  noticed  that  sev 
eral  parties  near  the  water-pail  looked  as  if  they  ex 
pected  another  bomb- shell  to  fall  somewhere. 


A  GREAT  GAIN. 


"GEM'LEN,"  began  the  old  man  as  the  dust  settled 
down  a  little,  "  I  war  called  upon  las'  evenin*  by  de 
Hon.  Joseph  Jackson,  of  Kenedy.  I  spect  dat  man 
am  one  of  de  biggest  cull'd  orators  in  dis  kentry,  an, 


144  THE-  LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

dat  what  he  doaii'  know  am  not  worf  knowin'.  Ar- 
ter  we  had  talked  an'  talked,  he  squar'd  off  to  me  an' 
says  he:  'Brudder  Gardner,  you  hev  bin  runnin' 
dat  Lime-Kiln  Club  eanemoas'  two  hull  y'ars.  De 
purceedins  hev  purceeded  reg'larly,  an'  heaps  of  biz- 
ness  hez  bin  split  to  pieces,  but  what  hez  bin  gained? 
What  good  hez  dat  Club  did?  Who  has  been  made 
gooder?'  I  could  hev  made  de  ole  Canuck  a  speech 
fo'  hours  long  in  reply.  What  hez  dis  Club  did? 
Two  y'ars  ago  de  cull'd  men  in  dis  town  war  pullin' 
an'  haul  in  dis  way  an'  dat  way.  cuttin'  down  on  de 
prices  of  whitewashin'  an'  cuttin'  up  on  de  prices  of 
stove-blackin'.  Nobody  seemed  to  know  nuffin'. 
Our  Samuel  Shin  didn't  know  'miff  to  peel  onions, 
an'  now  he  am  de  leader  of  a  string  band,  belongs 
to  de  church  an'  hez  a  barber  shop.  Waydown  Be- 
bee  couldn't  even  read  an'  was  in  rags;  to-day  he  kin 
read  an'  write  an'  figger,  wars  good  clothes,  an'  who 
keeps  a  better  barber  shop  dan  Brudder  Bebee? 
Elder  Toots,  ober  dar,  was  in  de  jug,  his  wife  had 
run'd  away,  an'  life  was  nuffin  to  him.  Am  dar  a 
happier  man  in  dis  town  now  dan  Uncle  Toots?  I 
kin  show  you  forty  men  who  hev  Famed  to  read.  I 
kin  show  you  big  changes  in  home  circles.  I  'kin 
show  you  dat  dis  Club  has  paid  off  debts,  re-united 
families,  clothed  children,  helped  de  sufferin'  an' 
put  pride  into  low-down  hearts.  Isn't  dat  'nuff  ?  Am 
dar  any  member  who  could  ax  fur  more?  " 

Speeches  were  made  by  Sir  Isaac  Walpole,  the 
Rev.  Penstock,  Josephus  Bottle  and  others,  and 
every  member  of  the  Club  seemed  satisfied  that  the 
workings  of  the  Club  had  been  all  that  could  be  ex 
pected. 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  145 

ABOUT  KIND  WORDS. 

"  I  SAW  in  de  papers  de  odder  day,"  began  the  old 
man,  after  carefully  wiping  the  top  of  his  head,  "  a 
leetle  item  'bout  speakin'  kind  words  to  our  fellow- 
men  as  we  trabbel  de  highway  of  life.  Dat's  easy 
'nuff  to  do,  an'  a  mighty  cheap  way  of  scrubbin' 
'long,  but  I  doan'  want  nobody  to  practice  it  on  me. 
If  I  use  dem  right;  dey  will  use  me  right,  an'  we  kin 
trade  kind  words.  If  you  meet  a  man  in  de  gutter, 
doan'  stand  on  de  sidewalk  an'  tell  him  dat  you  am 
ready  to  bust  wid  sorrow,  an'  dat  you  solemnly  wish 
he  wouldn't  do  so  any  mo'.  Stan'  him  on  his  feet 
an'  start  him  fur  home,  an'  let  his  wife  an'  de  poker 
run  de  kind  word  bizness,  or  hunt  fur  a  purleceman 
an'  have  de  drunkard  boosted  for  sixty  days.  If  you 
meet  a  poo'  man,  whose  wife  am  lyin'  dead  in  de 
house,  doan'  wipe  yer  eyes  an  rattle  yer  chin  an'  tell 
you'd  jine  de  funeral  purceshun  if  you  only  had  a 
mule.  Walk  right  down  inter  yer  west  pocket  fur 
half  yer  week's  wages  to  help  pay  fur  de  coffin  an' 
odder  expenses.  If  you  meet  a  feller-man  who  am 
out  of  wood  an'  meat  an'  flour,  an'  has  a  broken  arm 
to  excuse  it,  doan'  pucker  yer  mouth  an' tell  him  dat 
de  Lawd  will  purvide.  De  Lawd  doan'  furnish  pur- 
vishuns  fur  dis  market.  Instead  of  droppin' a  tear 
of  sorrow  on  de  doah-step,  step  aroun'  to  •  de  wood- 
yai  d  an'  de  grocer's  an'  lay  down  de  cash  to  feed  an' 
warm  de  family  fur  a  fortnight. 

"  When  I  meet  a  leetle  gal  who  has  lost  her  doll- 
baby,  or  a  leetle  boy  who  has  stubbed  his  toe,  I  take 
?em  up  in  my  arms  an'  wipe  deir  leetle  noses  an'  sot 
'em  down  wid  a  handful  of  peanuts.  When  I  meet 
a  widder  who  am  out  of  wood,  an  old  man  who  has 
bin  turned  out  doahs,  or  a  workin'man  whose  home 


146  THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

am  under  de  shadder  of  death,  I  doan'  lean  on  de 
fence  an'  look  to  Heaben  fur  relief.  If  1'ze  got  a 
dollar  I  lend  it  out.  I  lend  it  or  give  it,  or  make 
em  take  it,  an'  if  Heaben  does  anyfing  furder  dat's 
extra.  When  you  read  dat  it  am  easy  to  speak  kind 
words,  jist  reflect  dat  it  am  also  de  cheapest  way  in 
de  world  to  help  a  naybur.  Turnips  am  quoted  at 
forty  cents  a  bushel;  kind  words  have  no  value  in 
de  market.  Let  us  now  attack  de  reg'lar  order  of 
bizness  "  / 

V        A   DANGEROUS  FAILURE. 

At  this  juncture  the  Keeper  of  the  Pass-Word  an 
nounced  that  Prof.  Boliver  Jackson,  of  Halifax,  No 
va  Scotia,  was  present  with  his  Back-Action,  Three- 
Ply,  Full-Jewelled  Heel-Compressor,  and  would  like 
to  give  an  exhibition  before  the  Club.  Brother  Gar 
dner  explained  that  the  Secretary  had  had  some  cor 
respondence  with  the  inventor,  and  that  the  gentle 
man  had  come  on  at  his  own  expense.  There  were 
colored  people  just  foolish  enough  to  feel  ashamed  of 
the  long  heels  given  them  by  nature  to  make  their 
mark  in  the  world,  and  this  Heel- Compressor  had 
been  invented  to  reshape  the  foot.  He  was  perfect 
ly  satisfied  with  his  own  feet,  but  he  would  have  the 
machine  brought  in  and  let  any  member  of  the  Club 
try  it.  Prof.  Jackson  was  accordingly  admitted, 
and  he  placed  his  invention  in  the  center  of  the 
room  and  delivered  a  short  lecture  on  his  long  strug 
gle  to  secure  what  the  colored  race  had  so  long 
sighed  for.  He  warranted  it  to  work  smoothly,  ev 
enly  and  satisfactorily  in  all  respects,  and  Pickles 
Smith  volunteered  his  feet  to  he  experimented  on. 
Pulling  off  one  of  his  cow-liicjes  he  placed  his  right 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  147 

foot  in  the  box,  and  the  Professor  began  turning  the 
crank  and  singing:  "  We  Shall  Never  Meet  Again." 
At  the  seventh  turn  of  the  crank  the  springs  encoun 
tered  a  corn  fourteen  years  old  on  Brother  Smith's 
heel,  and  an  explosion  took  place  which  knocked  the 
Professor  down,  pitched  Samuel  Shin  into  the  wood- 
box,  and  shot  Smith  headlong  down  the  Hall  on  his 
stomach.  Five  of  the  lamps  were  extinguished,  one 
of  the  bear-traps  thrown  down,  and  117  new  cracks 
appeared  in  the  ceiling.  It  was  a  great  wonder 
that  no  one  was  killed,  as  pieces  flew  here  and 
there,  and  one  cog-wheel  weighing  four  pounds  was 
hurled  through  a  window  and  knocked  a  shower  of 
shingles  off  an  ice  house.  There  was  great  confus 
ion  for  two  or  three  minutes,  during  which  time  the 
Professor  leaped  from  a  back  window  into  the  alley 
and  escaped. 

"  Gem'len,  what  does  dis  prove?"  asked  the  Presi 
dent,  after  order  had  been  once  more  restored.  "  It 
proves  dat  de  pusson  who  ain't  satisfied  wid  de  way 
Natur'  did  her  work  comes  next  doah-to  bein'  a  fool. 
Let  dis  be  tooken  as  a  solemn  warnin'  to  let  our 
heels  <alone,  an'  to  banish  all  feelin'  agin  de  white 
man  kase  he  has  straight  h'ar." 


THE  AMENDE  HONORABLE. 

As  soon  as  the  meeting  opened  in  due  form  Give- 
adam  Jones  secured  the  floor  and  stated  that  he  de 
sired  to  render  justice  to  an  innocent  man  who  had 
been  dwelling  under  a  cloud  of  suspicion  for  the 
past  week.  It  had  been  hinted  around  that  the  Hon. 
Burdock  Cantelope,  acting  as  Janitor  during  the  ab- 


148  THE  LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

sence  of  Samuel  Shin  at  Long  Branch,  had  em 
bezzled  a  large  sum  of  money.  His  account,  as 
handed  to  the  Secretary  for  approval,  read  as  follows : 

1881. 

1  quart  oil 10 

1  lamp  wick 1 

1  cup ' 5 


Total 1,881  16 

It  appeared  from  the  above  that  the  Hon.  Cante- 
lope  had  used  up  $1,881  for  which  he  could  render  no 
account,  and  the  Committee  on  Finance  were  or 
dered  to  investigate,  and  empowered  to  send  for  per 
sons  and  papers.  After  a  long  wrestle  with  the  mys 
tery  it  was  discovered  that  the  Janitor  had  added 
the  year  to  his  expense  account  and  thus  made  him 
self  a  seeming  embezzler.  The  investigation  had 
cleared  his  character  as  white  as  bleached  cotton  at 
fifteen  cents  a  yard,  and  the  Finance  Committee 
had  given  him  a  vote  of  confidence. 

A  MISS. 

The  Secretary  announced  the  receipt  of  a  telegram 
from  the  Hon.  Burk weather  Skipp,  the  "Web-footed 
Orator  of  the  Wabash  River,"  stating  that  he  had 
missed  the  freight  train  and  would  not  be  on  hand 
to  deliver  his  lecture  on  "  The  Modern  Abuses  of  the 
Stomach." 

"  Wall,  we'll  have  to  make  de  bes'  of  it,  I  'spose," 
sighed  the  President.  "  I  know  de  man  perfeckly 
well,  an'  as  he  am  deaf  in  one  ear,  has  a  squint  in 
one  eye,  and  stutters  like  a  boy  wid  a  marble  in  his 
windpipe,  I  doan'  'spose  we  has  missed  nuffin,'  dat 
we  can't  find  when  we  want  it." 


THE  DEFEAT  OF  KYFUSTUS. 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  149 

DISMISSED   WITH  COSTS. 

The  Rev.  Penstock  presented  a  written  appeal  from 
the  wife  of  Kyfustus  St.  George,  stating  that  her 
husband  was  confined  to  his  bed  and  she  hadn't  a 
cent  in  the  house  to  get  her  hat  re-trimmed  for  Sun 
day.  The  Reverend  backed  up  the  appeal  in  a 
speech  that  brought  tears  to  the  eyes  of  Gen.  Scott, 
and  jammed  Samuel  Shin  in  between  the  window 
and  the  wood-box  so  hard  that  it  took  two  men  to 
pull  him  out. 

"  Brudder  Penstock,  did  you  inwestigate  dis  case?" 
asked  the  President. 

"  I  nebber  investigate,  sah,  when  I  h'ar  de  voice  of 
distress." 

"  Do  you  know  what  ails  Brudder  St.  George?" 

"I  understood  dat  he  was  seized  wid  a  chill,  an' 
de  arternoon  I  was  in  dar  his  pulse  was  up  to  fo' 
hundred,  an'  he  was  outer  his  head,  an'  talkin'  bout 
wolves  an'  bars." 

"  Jist  so — I  see.  Maybe  I  kin  gin  you  some  pints 
on  de  case.  I  war'  out  lookin'  fur  my  ole  hoss  de 
odder  evenin'  an'  I  passed  Brudder  St.  George's 
cabin.  He  an'  his  wife  -war  jawin'  as  to  which 
owned  de  dog,  an  ten  minits  later,  when  I  returned, 
de  dog  was  running  fur  de  woods.  Kyfustus  was 
lyin'  on  de  grass  all  broke  up,  an'  his  wife  was  set- 
tin'  on  de  fence  suckin'  a  lemon.  Arter  a  man  has 
been  knocked  into  de  middle  of  Jinuary  wid  an  ole 
base  ball  bat  he  am  quite  apt  to  have  chills  an  talk 
'bout  wild  animals.  I  shall  dismiss  de  appeal  wid 
costs." 


150  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

IT  DOAN'  PAY. 

IT, having  been  officially  announced  that  the  Right 
Very,  Very  Hon.  Phosphate  DeBar,  of  North  Caro 
lina,  was  in  the  ante-room,  the  Reception  Committee 
put  on  their  white  gloves  and  yellow  neckties  and 
proceeded  to  bring  in  the  honorable  gentleman  In 
appearance  he  somewhat  resembled  George  Wash 
ington,  having  the  same  generous  feet  and  arch  of 
eyebrow.  As  near  as  could  be  judged  he  was  six 
feet  high,  had  two  hind  pockets  in  his  pants,  never 
smoked  a  cigar  costing  less  than  five  cents,  and  was 
the  sort  of  a  man  who  would  fish  all  day  and  never 
swear  if  he  didn't  get  a  bite.  When  he  mounted 
the  platform  and  bowed  to  right  and  left  he  was 
welcomed  with  a  cheer  which  broke  four  panes  of 
glass  and  awoke  Elder  Toots  from  his  first  nap. 

''DOES   HAPPINESS  PAY." 

In  a  voice  as  full  of  music  as  a  buzz  saw  cutting 
through  a  side-walk  spike,  the  Hon.  De  Bar  an 
nounced  the  subject  of  his  remarks  as  above,  and 
continued: 

"  Philosophers  an'  writers  of  all  ages  have  told  us 
dat  de  hight  of  human  ambishun  was  to  be  happy. 
Pick  up  a  book  or  newspaper  an'  you  am  confronted 
by  de  announcement  dat  one  who  am  not  happy 
might  as  well  be  dead.  We  am  advised  an'  talked 
to  an'  written  to  an'  urged  to  be  happy,  an'  it  am 
all  nonsense  an'  has  eber  bin  so.  In  de  fust  place 
no  one  kin  be  perfeckly  happy.  When  you  get  pos- 
seshun  of  a  great  big  watermellyon  an'  sit  down  in 
an  alley  to  devour  it  all  by  yerself  yer  mouf  waters, 
yer  back  sort  o'  humps  up,  an'  you  fondly  emagine 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  151 

dat  yoli  ahl  perfeckly  happy.  But  you  ain't.  You 
haven't  taken  ober  two  bites  bef  o'  you  remember  dat 
de  ole  woman  wants  a  porus  plaster,  an'  de  chill'en 
want  shoes,  an'  de  rent  will  be  due  on  Saturday,  an' 
a  dozen  odder  fings  cum  to  mind  to  knock  yer  hap 
piness  higher  dan  Gilderoy's  corn-sheller.  It's  de 
same  when  you  play  poker  an1  win  ten  dollars.  You 
feel  happy  fur  de  minit,  an'  you  dance  arouii'  on  one 
leg  an'  chuckle  ober  yer  smartness.  Den  comes  de 
reaxshun.  You  remember  dat  you  owe  about  fifty 
dollars,  an'  dat  de  wood  am  out,  de  flour-bar  1  am 
empty,  an'  de  chill'en  have  bin  cryin  fur  bacon. 

"  In  de  second  place,  what's  de  use  of  bein'  happy? 
[Sobs  from  Elder  Toots.]  Happiness  doan'  increase 
de  price  of  blackin'  stoves.  You  can't  charge  any 
mo'  for  whitewashin'.  [Sensation  behind  the  stove.] 
You  can't  git  any  mo'  for  beatin'  a  carpet.  [Groans 
of  despair.]  Bein'  happy  doan'  help  our  credit  at 
de  grocer's  or  butcher's.  [Sighs.]  What  dey  want 
is  money  an'  not  happiness.  Show  me  a  happy  man 
who  has  any  mo'  to  eat  an'  war  dan  an  unhappy 
one.  [Distressing  coughs  from  all  over  the  Hall.] 
It  has  bin  said  dat  happiness  am  better  dan  riches. 
Doan'  let  'em  fool  you!  [Sensation.]  De  happy 
man  am  sent  to  jail  quite  as  often  as  de  unhappy 
one. 

"  In  de  third  place,  happiness  am  not  healthy.  It 
runs  into  liver  complaint,  consumpshun  an'  palpata- 
tion  of  de  h'art.  We  am  placed  heah  on  airth  to  bet 
on  de  losin'  hoss;  to  marry  de  wrong  woman — to 
catch  on  to  heaps  of  bad  weather  an'  deadloads  of 
tribulashun.  Doan'  go  round  lookin'  fur  a  happy 
man.  If  you  find  one  he'll  be  somebody  so  soft  dat 


152  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUfe. 

dey  have  to  put  him  on  ice.  Our  greatest  an'  best 
men  am  de  mos'  unhappy  ones.  Show  me  a  man 
who  has  lost  three  wives  by  yaller  fever,  six  chill'en 
by  the  cholera,  three  or  four  houses  by  fire,  an'  has 
himself  bin  sent  to  jail  on  false  testimony,  an'  I  will 
show  you  a  noble  Roman.  [Cheers.]  Thanking 
you  fur  your  parsimonious  imprecations,  an' predict- 
in'  dat  de  time  am  not  fur  distant  when  de  honor  of 
bein'  a  member  of  de  Lime-Kiln  Club  will  be  all  de 
honor  one  man  kin  lug  arouii'  in  hot  weather,  I  now 
deliberate  towards  de  importunity  of  de  infringe 
ment,  an'  bid  you  good-night." 

The  close  was  received  with  wild  applause,  dur 
ing  which  the  sacred  bust  of  Andrew  Jackson  fell 
from  its  bracket  and  was  broken  into  seven  pieces. 


AS  YOU  FIND  HIM. 

"WHEN  I  shake  hands  wid  a  stranger,"  said 
Brother  Gardner,  as  silence  fell  upon  the  members, 
"  I  doan'  care  two  cents  wheder  his  great-gran'- 
fadder  was  a  Cabinet  Officer  or  a  cobbler;  wheder 
his  own  gran'fadder  sold  silk  or  kaliker;  wheder  his 
fadder  was  a  cooper  or  a  statesman.  De  man  I  hev 
to  deal  wid  am  de  man  befo'  me,  an'  not  de  dust  an' 
bones  an'  coffins  of  his  predecessors.  He  may  size 
up  well,  or  he  may  run  to  remnants;  he  may  be 
square  or  he  may  be  a  bilk;  he  may  be  honest,  or  he 
may  hev  de  right  bower  up  his  sleeve — dat  am  fur 
me  to  find  out. 

"  I  doan'  propose  to  jine  hands  wid  a  stranger  be- 
kase  his  gran'fadder  cum  ober  wid  de  Pilgrims. 
Neither  shall  I  lend  five  dollars  to  one  of  my  own 


THE    LIME-KILN   CLUB.  153 

color  on  de  ground  dat  his  uncle  weighed  a  ton  an' 
shook  hands  with  three  different  Presidents.  What 
a  man  am,  an'  wedder  his  fadder  was  a  poet  or  a 
blacksmith,  won't  make  him  any  better  or  wuss. 
Size  up  your  man  on  his  own  personal  shape. 

'•  It  doan'  matter  to  you  what  sort  of  a  head  his 
fadder  had,  or  how  big  his  uncle's  feet  were,  he  am 
de  man  you  am  doin'  bizness  wid.  De  pusson  who 
trabels  from  dis  kentry  on  nothing  but  de  record 
made  by  some  relative  half  a  century  since,  will 
land  in  jail  as  soon  as  in  good  society.  When  I  hev 
any  plug  tobacker  to  spare,  de  man  whose  fadder 
didn't  do  anything  but  mind  his  own  bizness  an' 
purvide  fur  his  own  family,  will  git  it  quite  as  soon 
as  de  man  whose  fadder  diskivered  a  comet  or  pre 
dicted  airthquake. 

"  I  want  each  an'  ebery  member  of  dis  Club  to 
stand  on  his  own  shape.  If  he  am  fast  color  dat's 
all  we  want  to  know.  If  he  crocks  or  fades  in  de 
washin'  he  must  step  down  an'  out.  De  fack  dat 
Samuel  Shin's  fadder  was  lected  to  de  South  Caroli 
na  Legislature  doan'  prove  dat  Samuel  hisself  knows 
beans  from  hoss-barns.  Likewise  de  fack  dat  Give- 
adam  Jones  had  an  uncle  hung  fur  stealiii'  corn 
doan'  go  to  prove  dat  it  would  be  safe  to  leave  our 
brudder  in  a  grocery  store  for  half  an  hour  while 
de  clerk  went  out  arter  change.  When  a  man 
boasts  dat  one  of  de  family  signed  de  Declarashun 
of  Independence,  doan'  you  take  his  note  widout  a 
good  indorser.  People  who  lay  back  on  notlim  but 
de  glory  of  de  dead  or  de  statesmanship  of  some  one 
who  sot  in  Congress  a  hundred  years  ago  am  jist  as 
apt  to  work  off  a  bogus  dollar  on  a  sore-eyed  railroad 


154  fttfi  LiMti-iaLN  CLUB. 

conductor  as  a  man  whose  geological  tree   has  a 
baker  hangin'  to  ebery  limb." 

Giveadam  Jones  was  on  his  feet  before  the  Presi 
dent  ceased  speaking,  and  he  wanted  to  know  if  the 
remark  in  regard  to  his  absent-minded  uncle  was  a 
personal  fling  at  him.  Samuel  Shin  likewise  de 
sired  to  know  if  the  President  had  intended  to  hold 
his  lack  of  education  to  the  contempt  of  the  world 
at  large.  Brother  Gardner  replied  that  he  had  used 
them  simply  to  illustrate  points,  and  but  for  a  slip 
of  the  tongue  he  would  have  had  the  uncle  steal  the 
whole  outfit  of  a  national  bank  instead  of  three 
bushels  of  corn. 


ON  TERMS. 

THE  Secretary  announced  a  letter  from  New  York 
asking  if  the  Lime-Kiln  Club  was  on  friendly  terms 
with  Congress,  and  prepared  to  work  in  harmony 
with  it  during  the  coming  session.  Reports  to  the 
contrary  were  abroad  in  the  East,  and  the  friends  of 
the  Club  were  anxious  to  know  how  matters  stood. 

".So  fur  as  my  offishul  knowledge  goes,  dis  Club 
an'  Congress  am  on  de  best  terms,"  replied  Brother 
Gardner.  "  While  I  am  opposed  to  any  ideah  look- 
in'  towards  de  consolidashun  of  de  two  bodies,  I  still 
believe  dat  de  welfare  of  de  kentry  requires  us  to 
work  in  harmony.  We  are  willin'  to  meet  dat  com 
paratively  influ^nshul  body  half  way  in  matters  look- 
in'  to  de  good  of  de  kentry.  To  prove  to  de  kentry 
at  large  dat  dis  Club  does  not  desire  to  monopolize 
entire  public  attenshun  doorin'  de  comin'  winter,  I 
will  appint  Waydown  Bebee,  Givedam  Jones  an' 


THE  LIME-KILN   CLUB.  155 

Holdback  White  as  a  committee  to  confer  wid  an 
equal  number  of  Congressmen  to  agree  upon  a  mutual 
course  to  be  pursued  fur  de  next  six  months." 

The  Secretary  was  instructed  to  forward  a  certi 
fied  copy  of  this  action  to  David  Davis,  and  to  re 
quest  that  gentleman  to  name  his  committee  as  soon 
as  convenient. 

NOT   ONE  CASE. 

The  President  stated  that  he  had  been  asked  on 
several  different  occasions  if  the  aesthetic  lunacy 
had  visibly  affected  the  colored  people  of  the  North. 
His  own  personal  observation  had  not  furnished  any 
evidence  in  the  affirmative,  but  he  would  like  to  hear 
members  express  themselves. 

Kyhaven  Johnson  said  that  a  neighbor  of  his  had 
run  all  over  town  to  purchase  a  second-hand  bed 
stead,  and  that  she  had  finally  secured  one  twenty- 
three  years  old,  but  he  thought  from  the  hot  water 
treatment  given  it,  that  she  did  not  prize  it  as  a 
relic. 

Trustee  Fullback  knew  of  a  case  where  a  colored 
man  had  paid  seven  dollars  for  a  coat  supposed  to 
be  twenty-eight  years  old,  but  it  afterwards  came 
out  that  he  expected  to  find  money  in  the  lining. 

Elder  Toots  said  that  his  third  wife  had  evinced  a 
desire  to  pay  seventy-five  cents  for  an  old  earthern 
platter  which  had  come  over  in  the  Mayflower, 
but  when  informed  that  if  she  did  she  would  go 
without  shoes  all  winter,  she  had  said  no  more  on 
the  subject. 

As  far  as  could  be  ascertained  from  the  best  posted 
members,  the  colored  element  are  entirely  free 
from  lunacy,  and  not  likely  to  be  affected  this 
year. 


150  THE   LIME-KILN   CLUE. 

A  RARE   GIFT. 

After  the  election,  Brother  Gardner  announced 
that  he  had  received  notice  of  the  shipment  to  the 
Club  of  a  rare  gift  to  the  museum,  being  a  No.  8 
shoe  unearthed  from  the  ruins  of  Troy  by  Dr. 
Schliemann.  The  sole  of  the  shoe  bears  the  letter 
"•  H,"  and  is  supposed  to  have  belonged  to  Helen  of 
Troy,  as  she  is  known  to  have  worn  a  shoe  of  that 
number.  The  gift  is  from  the  Colored  Art  Associa 
tion  of  Pennsylvania,  before  which  society  Brother 
Gardner  will  deliver  an  essay  on  "Ancient  Bun 
ions."  The  Secretary  was  instructed  to  return 
thanks,  and  the  relic  was  orderdto  be  placeed  direct 
ly  over  the  bear  trap. 

HIS  ODE. 

Waydown  Bebee  then  arose  and  presented  the 
Club  with  the  following  original  ode : 

DE   WATERMELLYON. 

Oblong  an'  luscious — 

Black  seeds  or  white 
Lemme  devour  you 

Outer  my  sight. 

Mottled  or  speckled, 

t  Thick  rind  or  thin; 

Devoid  of  all  cramps, 
Colic  an'  sin. 

Georgia  or  Jarsey, 

Speckled  or  spotted ; 
Dose  who  doan'  like  'em 

Orter  be  shotted. 

There  being  no  further  business  in  the  ice-box  the 
meeting  adjourned  for  one  week. 


WAYDOWN  BEBEE. 


THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB.  157 

SARTIN  PEOPLE. 

"WHAT  I  was  gwine  to  remark,"  began  the  old 
man  as  he  took  an  undissolved  troche  from  his 
mouth  and  placed  it  on  a  corner  of  his  desk,  "was 
to  de  effect  dat  it  am  none  of  our  bizness  what  our 
nayburs  do,  onless  dey  f row  stones  at  our  dog  or  toss 
deir  oyster  cans  ober  our  fences.  One  great  cause 
of  so  much  unhappiness  arises  from  de  fack  dat  sar- 
tin  people  want  to  know  all  about  sartin  odder  peo 
ple.  Frinstance,  Deacon  Turner's  wife  runs  ober  to 
my  house  an'  tells  my  wife  dat  Elder  Dorker's  wife 
has  got  a  new  bonnet  dat  neber  cost  less  dan  $12. 
De  Elder  am  workin'  on  a  straight  salary  of  $8  per 
week,  an'  he  has  a  wife  an'  four  chilFen.  How  can 
he  save  up  $12  on  sich  a  salary  as  dat?  How  did  his 
wife  git  dat  bonnet?  An'  what  cheek  fur  a  poo' 
woman  who  can't  set  table  for  seben  nor  ride  on  de 
street  kyar  once  a  week  to  flam  out  in  dat  manner! 
De  wimin  sot  dar  an'  talk  an'  wonder  an'  get  mad 
an'  want  ter  pull  har,  an'  I  slip  out  an'  go  to  pullin' 
weeds  in  de  garden.  Its  nobody's  bizness  how  she 
got  dat  bonnet,  an'  yit  some  folks  feel  sick  bekase 
dey  can't  find  out. 

"My  ole  woman  goes  down  town  to  buy  three 
towels  wid  a  red  border,  a  spool  of  No.  GO  white 
thread,  an'  half  a  yard  of  linen  to  make  me  some 
cuffs.  She  am  as  pleasant  as  a  June  mawnin'  when 
she  starts  out,  but  when  she  returns  dar  am  a  hull 
cyclone  in  her  left  eye.  She  pens  me  up  in  a  corner 
an'  demands  to  know  how  de  gals  dat  stan'  behind 
de  sto'  counters  fur  three,  four  an'  five  dollars  a  week 
kin  pay  bo'd  an'  washin'  and  dress  in  silks  and  sat-r 
JUS,  I  can't  tell,  an'  cte  Jess  I  know  'bout  it  de 


158  THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

der  she  gets;  an'  bime-by  dar  cums  a  climax  an' 
somebody  gets  hurt.  If  a  gal  can  make  fo'  dollars 
a  week  go  furder  dan  I  kin  make  twenty,  dat'snone 
o'  my  bizness  or  your  bizness. 

"  De  odder  day  my  ole  woman  cum  home  from 
Jedge  Blank's  an'  said  dat  de  Jedge's  hired  girl  had 
gin  'em  notice  dat  she  was  abo-ut  to  go  to  de  kentry 
on  her  annual  six  weeks  wacation.  Mrs.  Gardner 
was  hopin'  mad,  but  I  was  as  cool  as  a  red-hot  crow 
bar.  Why  shouldn't  a  hired  gal  want  to  go  to  de 
kentry  an'  have  a  rest  from  breakin'  dishes  an'  kick- 
in'  tin  war  aroun'  de  kitchen?  It  improves  her  com- 
plexshun,  braces  up  her  form,  shapes  her  feet,  an' 
often  results  in  her  marryin'  a  millionaire.  If  de 
Jedge  and  his  family  can't  afford  to  go,  dat's  nuffin 
to  do  wid  de  servant. 

"  Mrs.  Kernul  Dash  was  axin'  my  ole  woman  only 
last  nite  if  she  couldn't  hunt  her  up  a  seamstress 
who'd  be  kind  an'  obleegin'  nuff  to  do  a  few  day's 
work  at  twelve  shilliii's  a  day.  She  won't  git  one. 
Dis  am  de  season  when  de  poo,  overworked  an'  half 
paid  seamstress  packs  her  trunk,  draws  her  money 
from  de  bank,  an'  hies  to  de  seashore  to  secure  de 
benefits  of  de  ozone  an'  salt-water  bathin'.  Arter 
dey  reach  Long  Branch  it  am  hard  to  tell  one  of  'em 
from  de  wife  of  a  banker  or  broker,  but  dat's  none 
of  our  bizness.  Let  yer  naybur  save,  squander, 
keep  sober,  git  drunk,  war  good  cloze  or  ole  cloze — 
its  nuffin  to  you.  Let  us  now  extricate  ourselves  up 
on  de  reg'lar  order  of  bizness." 


SOME  VALUABLE  RELICS. 

SINCE  the  last  meeting,  the  friends  of  the  Club  in 
yarious  localities  have  bestirred  themselves,  and  the 


THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB.  159 

Janitor  has  been  kept  busy  receiving  and  opening 
boxes  sent  by  express.  Some  one  at  Elmira,  N.  Y., 
forwarded  a  padlock  weighing  four  pounds,  and 
warranted  to  be  the  padlock  used  by  William  Penn 
to  fasten  his  smokehouse  door.  A  friend  at  Freder- 
icksburg,  Md.,  forwarded  the  hat  worn  by  Gen. 
Jackson  at  the  battle  of  New  Orleans.  It  shows 
seventeen  bullet  holes  and  any  amount  of  old  age, 
and  will  be  highly  prized  by  the  Club.  A  party  in 
North  Carolina  forwarded  a  four-gallon  jug  full  of 
tar,  to  be  used  in  greasing  the  hinges  of  the  doors 
and  stoves  in  Paradise  Hall,  and  the  Janitor  kept  his 
nose  in  the  jug  for  the  greater  portion  of  two  days. 
Some  kind  friend  in  Chicago  forwarded  the  tin  cof 
fee-pot  used  by  Martha  Washington,  and  parties  at 
Indianapolis  sent  on  a  beautiful  cabinet  photograph 
of  the  last  negro  murderer  in  that  State.  Paradise 
Hall  has  not  only  become  a  place  of  meeting  for  the 
Historic  Club,  but  a  museum  and  an  art  gallery  of 
no  mean  reputation. 

NO  NAMES   MENTIONED. 

"  Gem'len,"  said  the  President,  as  he  looked  down 
upon  the  bald  pate  of  Brutus  Stivers,  "  I  believe  dat 
de  good  times  so  long  hoped  for  an'  talked  about  am 
now  on  deck.  I  believe  dat  dar  am  a  better  show 
for  workin'  men  to-day  dan  at  any  time  since  Jay 
Cooke  went  an'  fetched  dat  panick  on  de  kentry. 
WTages  am  good,  craps  are  big,  money  am  plenty, 
an'  you  kin  buy  a  swaller-tailed  coat  good  'miff  fur 
Sunday  wear  fur  about  five  dollars.  Yes,  de  good 
times  am  heah,  but  dat  am  no  excuse  fur  de  poo' 
man  to  hanker  arter  dose  fings  which  belong  to  de 
rich, 


160  THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

"Last  week  I  was  told  dat  six  different  members 
of  dis  Club  had  dun  gone  an'  rented  lock  boxes  at  de 
post-office.  I  won't  menshun  any  names,  but  I  want 
it  understood  dat  I  frown  upon  any  sich  piece  of  ex 
travagance.  I  doan'  believe  dar's  a  nigger  in  dis 
city  who  gets  ober  one  letter  per  week,  an'  de  ideah 
of  rentin'  a  box  an'  gittin.  a  key  an'  flourishin' 
around  am  all  nonsense.  De  money  paid  out  dat 
way  orter  buy  shoes  fur  de  chilFen,  or  'taters  fur  de 
celler,  an'  we  all  know  it.  Las'  Sunday  I  saw  cer 
tain  members  of  dis  Club  ridin'  out  wid  livery  rigs. 
I  doan'  call  any  names,  but  I  know  dat  dose  men 
doan'  airn  ober  eight  dollars  a  week  at  de  best.  Dar 
dey  was,  whoopin'  aroun'  an'heapin'  on  style,  when 
dey  could  no  mo'  afford  it  dan  I  kin  afford  to  white 
wash  de  Capitol  at  Washington  fur  de  sum  of  fifteen 
cents  an'  board  myself.  I  tell  you  dat  it  doan'  pay 
in  de  long  run.  You  may  fink  it  looks  gorgeous  to 
see  a  nigger  airnin'  eight  dollars  a  week  seated  be 
hind  a  speckled  hoss  hitched  to  a  top-kerridge,  but 
you  am  softly  mistaken.  It  looks  like  somebody 
would  be  eatin'  thin  johnny-cake  an'  cheap  'lasses 
nex'  Jinuary." 

A  VAIN  APPEAL. 

The  contents  of  a  formidable-looking  envelope  on 
the  desk  were  next  made  known  by  the  Secretary. 
The  communication  was  from  Casabianca  J.  Jones, 
an  honorary  member,  residing  in  Philadelphia. 
While  on  the  roof  of  a  building  to  see  a  circus  pro 
cession  pass  along  the  street,  he  had  fallen  through 
a  photographer's  sky-light  and  sustained  severe  in 
juries.  The  photographer  had  refused  to  settle  for 
personal  damages,  Casabianca  appealed  to  the  Club 


THE   LIME  KILN   CLUB.  161 

to  stand  by  him  and  aid  him  to  carry  his  case  to  the 
courts. 

"I  move  dat  dis  Club  extends  its  heart-felt  sympa* 
thies  an'  forward  de  money  to  pay  a  lawyer," 
promptly  responded  Lord  By  run.  Throgs  from  the 
back  end  of  the  Hall. 

"  Bmdder  Throgs,"  began  the  President,  as  he  rose 
up  and  bent  his  gaze  that  way,  "daramno  doubt 
in  my  mind  dat  you  know  all  about  de  bizness  of 
stuffin'  sassage  an'  prepariir  root  beer,  kase  I  has  seen 
you  at  work;  but  when  it  comes  down  to  a  queshun 
of  law,  you  may  be  as  badly  mistaken  as  de  nigger 
who  picked  up  a  red-hot  horse-shoe  in  dc  blacksmif 
shop.  While  it  am  de  dooty  of  dis  Club  to  purtect 
an'  assist  members,  what  do  we  know  of  de  per- 
ticklers  of  dis  case?  De  pints  of  law  in  de  case  am 
seberal.  De  lawyers  would  ax  how  high  de  buildin' 
was;  if  it  was  brick  or  wood;  whose  circus  was 
passin'  long;  if  dat  circus  had  de  only  sea-lion  in  dis 
kentry;  if  de  photographer  was  at  home  or  down  to 
de  sea-shore;  if  Brudder  Jones  was  standin'  still  or 
gallopin'  aroun';  if  he  was  gwine  inter  dat  circus  on 
a  ticket  or  meant  to  crawl  under  de  canvas,  an' 
whar'  would  dis  Club  be  when  de  jury  got  frew  wid 
de  case?  We  doan'  take  no  ackshun  till  we  git  big 
ger  perticklers,  an'  eben  den  we  must  go  ahead  as 
keerfully  as  a  hen  walkin  a  picket-fence." 

A   PROJECT    KILLED. 

Maj  Ahbury  Congreeve  gained  the  floor  and  the 
recognition  of  the  Chair,  and  said  he  had  a  matter 
of  great  importance  to  communicate  to  the  Club. 
He  had  long  been  of  the  idea  that  Paradise  Hall 
should  be  connected  with  a  gymnasium  for  the  use 


162  THE  LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

of  colored  people  only,  and  he  was  willing  fo^  one 
to  take  a  liberal  amount  of  stock  in  a  project  o^  the 
kind  and  become  a  liberal  patron.  He  believer!  that 
muscular  development  meant  long  life,  and  it  had 
pained  him  to  discover  that  the  colored  people  of 
Detroit  had  of  late  years  entirely  neglected  muscular 
development,  and  that  death  was  busy  in  their 
ranks. 

"  Gem'leii,"  replied  Brother  Gardner,  as  he  pushed 
up  his  sleeve,  "  I'ze  got  muscle  'nuff  to  frow  a  tramp 
ober  two  fences  an'  a  row  of  'tater-hills,  an'  I  got  it 
all  at  de  wood-pile.  Right  in  dis  room  are  ober  fifteen 
members  who  am  above  sixty  y'ars  ole  an'  in  debes' 
of  health.  We  hevn't  lost  but  one  member  by  death 
in  ober  two  y'ars,  an'  green  apples  was  de  cause  of 
dat.  We  doan'  want  any  better  health,  an'  we  doan' 
want  any  mo'  muscle.  If  we  do,  we  kin  secure  it  at 
de  wood-pile,  in  de  garden,  or  by  handlin'  de  brush. 
De  man  who  keeps  hisself  clean,  goes  to  bed  airly, 
has  solid  food  an'  lets  whisky  alone,  will  live  jist  as 
long  as  de  Lawd  intended  he  should,  an'  dat's  long 
'nuff  fur  anybody.  If  Brudder  Congreeve  wants 
more  muscle  I  kin  git  him  a  job  of  unloadin'  a  sand- 
scow.  We  will  now  strike  de  trinngle,  raise  our 
voices  in  song,  an'  den  walk  de  sev'ral  ways  to  our 
homes,  grateful  dat  catfish  hev  got  down  to  six 
cents  a  pound,  an'  thankful  dat  de  price  of  white- 
washin'  remains  firm  an'  de  market  steady." 


ENDIN'  UP. 


A   YALLER  dog  belonging  to   Samual   Shin   was 
dropped  out  of  the  alley  window,  Trustee  Fullback 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  163 

got  his  feet  into  the  wood-box,  and  the  President 
fined  Cadaver  Smith  four  dollars  for  upsetting  the 
water- pail  into  Elder  Dunbar's  brogans.  Then  he 
stood  up  and  began: 

"  In  lookin'  ober  de  papers  I  see  predickshuns  dat 
de  world  am  to  come  to  an  eand.  Las'  nite  several 
cull'd  pussons  called  at  my  cabin,  deir  brefs  smell- 
in'  of  onions  an'  deir  eyes  bulged  out,  an'  dey  want 
to  know  what  dis  Lime-Kiln  Club  am  gwine  to  do 
about  it.  Dey  w\ris  de  scartest  lot  of  niggers  I've 
seen  since  de  close  of  de  war,  an'  I  couldn't  get  dem 
out  of  de  house  till  I'd  cut  a  big  watermelon  lyin'  on 
de  ice  fur  breakfast.  I  laid  awake  all  night  finkin 
what  dis  Club  could  do  in  de  case,  an'  long  'bout 
daylight  I  cum  to  de  conclushun  dat  we  couldn't 
help  it.  If  de  world  wants  to  eand  its  gwine  to  do 
it  in  spite  of  us." 

There  was  a  decided  sensation  in  the  Hall.  The 
Rev.  Penstock  said  he'd  like  to  draw  his  salary  six 
months  in  advance.  Way  down  Bebee  favored  going 
to  Canada  until  after  the  world  had  got  through 
ending.  Elder  Toots  awoke  and  moved  the  previous 
question,  and  Samuel  Shin  begged  to  inquire  if  the 
coming  judgment  day  also  included  the  white  folks. 
If  it  did  lie  was  willing  to  take  his  chances;  if  not, 
he  should  demand  that  the  Civil  Rights  bill  be  en 
forced  at  once. 

"Gem'len,"  continued  the  President,  as  a  look  of 
silent  scorn  crept  over  his  face,  "  I  hezn't  got  much 
to  say  on  dis  subjeck.  De  world  may  eand  up  on 
de  date  menshuned,  just  as  de  papers  predick,  but 
my  advice  to  de  cull'd  folkses  of  dis  kentry  is  to 
wait  ill  dey  smell  sulphur  mighty  strong  befo'  dey 


1G4:  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

own  up  liftiir  any  chickens  off  de  roost!    We  will 
now  include  to  bizness." 

PETITIONS. 

The  petitions  numbered  twenty-eight,  and  in 
cluded  two  men  with  a  wooden  leg  apiece,  and  one 
man  with  a  cataract  on  his  eye  and  a  touch  of  liver 
complaint.  Electricity  Bombshell,  of  Wayne,  Mich., 
stated  in  his  petition  that  he  owned  three  dogs  and 
wore  a  red  woolen  shirt  and  a  coonskin  cap,  but  if 
admitted  to  membership  it  must  be  on  his  own  per 
sonal  merits.  A  colored  man  who  goes  barefooted 
and  walks  in  the  middle  of  the  road  is  no  more  fav 
ored  in  this  Club  than  one  who  dresses  in  broadcloth 
and  owns  a  ten  dollar  silver  certificate. 

FRAUDS. 

A  communication  from  Elias  Tiffle  Spencer,  of 
Academy  Corners,  Pa.,  disclosed  the  fact  that  a 
young  colored  man  of  that  locality,  answering  to 
the  name  of  L.  Y.  Gardner,  was  making  a  pretty 
good  thing  of  it  by  claiming  to  be  Brother  Gard 
ner's  eldest  son.  Also  that  another  man  of  color 
and  cheek  was  selling  a  rat  trap  in  that  state  on  the 
forged  recommend  of  the  Lime-Kiln  Club,  and  by 
displaying  a  photograph  of  Sir  Isaac  Walpole.  Af 
ter  the  Secretary  had  finished  reading  the  communi 
cation  the  President  arose  and  said: 

"  Gem'len,  if  any  member  of  dis  Club  had  an 
ideali  dat  I  had  a  son  in  Pennsylveany,  I  might  re 
mark  dat  my  oldest  son  was  a  gal,  a,n'  dat  she  bal 
anced  an  eight-pound  pumpkin  de  day  she  was  born. 
Dat's  all  de  son  I  eber  had,  an'  de  poo'  ting  was 
tooken  wi(i  fever  an'  died  befo'  she  was  four  yars 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  165 

ole.  We  has  got  some  of  de  little  dresses  up  home 
in  de  chist,  an'  sometimes  when  I  go  in  softly  by  de 
back  way  1  find  de  ole  woman  kissin'  dem  relics 
an'  weepin'  like  her  ole  heart  meant  to  nebber  forgit 
dat  she  had  bin  a  mother.  Dis  chap  down  dar  am  a 
fraud  of  de  fifth  water,  an'  I  hereby  offer  a  reward 
of  $10  fur  his  arrest.  As  to  de  rat-trap  dat's  anoth 
er  fraud  on  de  Club,  an'  if  we  can  cotch  de  trapper 
we'll  put  him  whar  de  rats  will  step  on  him  ebery 
minute  in  de  hull  twenty-four  hours." 

A   QUERY   ANSWERED. 

During  a  brief  interval  of  silence  Judge  Gar- 
nishee  Johnson  arose  and  asked  the  President  if  it 
would  not  be  well  to  discuss  the  Bank  Panics. 

"  It  would  be  well,  sah,  if  dar  was  any  thin'  to  dis 
cuss,  sah,"  was  the  bland  answer  of  the  President. 

"  But  doan'  you  low  dat  a  bank  panic  proves  any- 
fin  dat  might  be  heeded  as  a  lesson  to  de  cull'd  folks?" 
injuired  the  Judge. 

"Yes,  sah,  I  does,"  answered  Brother  Gardner. 
"It  proves  dat  since  de  palmy  days  of  de  Freed- 
man's  Euro  you  nor  no  odder  man  has  seen  a  nigger 
who  had  a  dollar  to  deposit  in  a  bank  or  a  shillin'  to 
lose  by  a  bank  panic.  Sot  down,  Judge,  an'  rest  yer 
back." 

The  Judge  sot. 

VOTED   DOWN. 

Henry  Plumbago,  a  waiter  in  a  hotel;  and  a  fine 
dresser,  has  for  some  time  past  .had  a  sore  on  one 
side  of  his  nose  and  a  mole  on  the  other,  and  he  is 
continually  making  mistakes,  and  scratching  the 
one  when  his  intentions  were  to  scratch  the  other. 


l()rt  THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

Patience  ceased  to  be  a  virtue  at  this  meeting,  and 
he  introduced  a  resolution  that  the  Club  purchase 
for  the  use  of  members  twelve  hand-glasses. 

"  What  was  dat?"  asked  the  President,  as  he  rose 
up  and  glanced  down  the  Hall. 

Henry  re  read  his  resolution,  but  in  a  very  weak 
voice,  and  the  President  replied: 

*'  Gem'len,  de  wery  minit  dis  Club  begins  to  ema- 
gine  dat  one  of  us  needs  anythin'  more  scollopy  dan 
a  coarse  comb,  a  crash  towel  an'  a  hunk  of  bar  soap 
to  keep  us  lookin'  purty,  den  all  orgranizashun  will 
be  lost,  all  interest  die  out,  an'  de  public  will  cease 
to  remember  us.  I  take  de  liberty  of  puttin'  that  res- 
olushun  in  my  hind  pocket,  an'  now  let  de  triangle 
strike,  an'  de  convention  draw  apart  for  one  week." 


THE  CASE  OF  SMITH. 

THERE  was  a  look  of  business  in  both  eyes  as  the 
President  found  room  for  his  feet  on  the  platform 
and  blandly  observed: 

"Will  do  Hon.  Injun-Rubber  Smith  please  walk 
dis  way?" 

There  was  a  startled  movement  all  through  the 
Hall,  and  Pickles  Smith  swallowed  three  of  five 
beans  he  was  holding  in  his  mouth  and  came  near 
choking  to  death.  Mr.  Smith  advanced.  His  left 
eye  was  closed  and  his  nose  was  swelled  to  twice  its 
natural  size.  He  slumped  along  to  the  platform  and 
squared  himself  before  the  President's  desk,  and 
Brother  Gardner  cleared  his  throat  and  said: 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  16? 

"  Brudder  Smith,  I  find  by  consultin'  de  dickshun- 
ary  dat  you  jined  dis  Club  about  seven  months  ago. 
On  numerous  occashuns  you  hev  hearn  it  talked 
ober  heah  dat  none  of  de  members  should  put  dem- 
selves  for'd  in  pollyticks.  We  know,  an'  we  have 
talked  it  in  dis  Hall,  dat  de  cull'd  race  of  dis  kentry 
doan'  know  'miff  to  'leckshuneer  an'  run  campaigns, 
an'  dat  de  white  folks  beat  us  ebery  time  we  want 
offis.  It  hez  bin  understood  by  all,  dat  members  of 
dis  Club  would  go  to  de  poll-evils  an'  wote  as  dey 
thought  best,  say  nuffin  to  nobody  an'  go  home  an' 
tend  to  bizness.  Didn't  you  understand  it  dat  way?" 

"  I  speck  I  did."  was  the  sullen  reply. 

"But  at  de  'leckshun  de  odder  day  you  riz  up 
airly  in  de  mawnin',  rushed  aroan'  to  de  polls,  hol 
lered  for  dis  candydate  an'  abused  dat  one,  an'  long 
in  de  evenin'  you  got  into  a  row  an'  was  so  badly 
pounded  dat  you  had  to  be  car'd  home  on  a  doah. 
What  hev  you  got  to  say  to  all  dis?" 

"I  'spects  I'd  better  resign,"  replied  Smith. 

"Brudder  Smith,  you  hez  struck  de  key-note,' 
continued  the  President.  "Dis  Club  accepts  your 
resignashun  wid  de  utmost  cheerfulness,  an'  de  Seck- 
retary  am  instructed  to  draw  his  pen  across  de  name 
of  de  Hon.  Injun-Rubber  Smith  an'  write  in  red  ink 
\below  it:  'Resigned  on 'count  of  his  political  en 
gagements.'  Mr.  Smith,  you  kin  now  retire  an'  de 
vote  all  yer  twenty-four  hours  of  de  day  to  gettin' 
some  white  man  'lected  to  offis  an'  bein'  called  a  fool 
fur  yer  pains.  Good  night,  sah." 

Smith  retired. 

"  Am  it  necessary  fur  me  to  say  any  fin  furder  on 
dis  subjeck?"  asked  the  President,  as  he  lookod  up 
and  down  the  Hall. 


108  THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

"  It  are!"  solemnly  replied  Elder  Toots,  who  had 
been  dreaming  of  stealing  hens  and  awoke  just  as 
the  police  were  about  to  overhaul  him.  He  was 
trotted  out  and  fined  nineteen  cents  for  disturbing  the 
peace.  And  he  dropped  down  with  a  sigh  as  1  arge 
as  s  nail-keg. 

A   DEFICIENCY. 

Judge  Sunflower  Truax,  Chairman  of  the  Com 
mittee  on  Foreign  Relations,  here  announced  that 
he  had  a  delicate  mission  to  perform.  He  had  been 
requested  by  the  new  Janitor  to  state  that  there  was 
a  deficiency  in  the  cash  accounts  of  the  old  Janitor. 
The  Treasurer's  book  showed  that  the  Janitor  should 
turn  over  to  his  successor  the  sum  of  thirteen  cents, 
whereas  he  had  only  turned  over  eight.  Brother 
Gardner  requested  the  ex -official  to  step  forward  and 
explain,  and  he  stood  up  and  said: 

"  I  tole  de  new  Janitor  all  about  it,  an'  lie  had  no 
bizness  to  raise  dis  fuss.  Dat  five  cents  was  lost 
down  a  craok  in  de  flo'  out  in  de  ante-room,  an'  de 
Treasurer  should  report  it  as  cash  on  hand." 

"Kin  dat  five  cents  be  sawn  down  dar  under  de 
flo'?"  inquired  the  President,  and  being  informed 
that  it  could,  he  appointed  a  committee  of  two  to 
"sawn  it"  and  report.  The  result  was  the  acquital 
of  the  old  Janitor  of  the  serious  charge  of  embez 
zlement.  The  committee  reported  that  they  could 
see  the  nickel  under  the  floor,  and  that  it  could  be 
recovered  any  time  a  carpenter  was  called  in. 

CORK  USPONDENCE. 

The  Secretary  reported  that  he  was  in  correspon 
dence  with  Profs.  Watson,  Swift,  Peters  and  others 


THE  LIME-KILN   CLUB.  169 

on  special  points  in  astronomy.  The  Lime-Kiln 
Club  does  not  believe  that  the  moon  is  inhabited;  it 
does  not  believe  that  there  are  other  worlds  than 
this;  it  does  not  believe  that  the  world  can  revolve 
on  its  axis  unless  the  axis  has  something  to  rest  on; 
it  does  not  believe  that  it  is  93,000,000  miles  to  the 
sun. 

"We  may  be  way  behind  de  aige,"  observed  the 
President,  as  he  cast  his  eyes  across  to  a  map  of 
Europe,  "  but  we  want  to  be  suah  we  are  right  befo' 
we  go  ahead.  If  it  am  only  fifty  miles  to  de  sun 
what's  de  use  of  our  believin'  dat  its  ten  thousand 
times  furder?  " 

ANATOMICAL. 

A  letter  from  Cincinnati,  written  in  very  cautious 
language  and  signed  only  by  an  initial,  made  in 
quiries  of  the  President  of  the  Lime-Kiln  Club  as  to 
the  average  number  of  deaths  in  the  Club,  and  sug 
gesting  that  the  writer  and  the  President  might 
make  a  good  thing  by  standing  in  with  some  medi 
cal  college  and  disposing  of  the  cadavers.  Great 
indignation  prevailed  all  through  the  Hall  at  the 
reading  of  the  communication,  and  a  resolution  was 
passed  authorizing  the  Secretary  to  write  out  and 
post  upon  the  door  a  notice  offering  $20  reward  for 
the  arrest  of  the  writer  of  the  letter. 


VALUABLE  TIME. 


"  How  many  members  of  dis  Club  know  de  value 
of  Time?"  asked  the  President,  as  lie  looked  up  and 
down 'the  Hall  and  took  a  left  handed  squint  at  the 
bear  trap. 


170  THE   LIME-KILN   CLUS. 

Some  of  the  members  shook  their  heads  and  sighed 
as  they  remembered  how  they  had  wasted  time 
hunting  for  watermelons  which  were  not  there,  and 
after  a  moment  the  old  man  continued: 

"  I  refer  to  de  odd  minits  an'  half  hours  we  all  git 
aroun'  de  house.  When  we  come  home  arter  a 
day's  work  we  drap  down  to  rest  our  backs  befo' 
supper.  We  hev  a  leetle  time  in  de  mawnin',  some 
times  a  quarter  of  an  hour  at  noon,  an'  all  dis  time 
added  up  wid  a  piece  of  chalk  makes  four  or  five 
hours  a  week.  Doorin'  de  past  week  I  hez  found 
dese  few  hours  de  most  valuable  of  all.  Wheneber 
I  hez  foun'  a  chance  to  drap  down  I  hez  had  a  book 
handy.  My  spare  minits  fur  one  week  figger  up 
three  hours  an'  a  half,  an'  I  learned  de  follerin'  new 
facks  neber  knowTn  to  me  afore,  viz:  Dat  fleas  neber 
go  in  droves;  dat  if  de  sun  should  strike  dis  world  it 
would  upsot  all  de  houses;  dat  sunflower  tea  am 
good  for  de  mumps;  dat  de  moon  hez  a  certain  in- 
flooence  on  rats;  dat  de  smallest  star  in  de  sky  am 
bigger'n  de  City  Hall,  an'  dat  you  kin  look  a  house 
fly  outer  countenance  by  closin'  de  right  eye.  I  hez 
fully  1'arned  de  value  of  time  heretofore  wasted  in 
pokin'  de  firee  or  spittin'  on  de  stove,  an'  I'ze  gwine 
to  make  use  of  it.  Sich  members  as  will  pledge 
demselves  to  do  de  same  will  raise  de  right  hand." 

Every  right  hand  came  up,  and  Trustee  Fullback 
was  distinctly  heard  telling  Pickles  Smith  that  the 
first  five  minutes  he  could  spare  should  be  devoted 
to  finding  out  who  invented  the  blue  mop-handle, 
and  why  it  was  generally  preferred  to  the  red. 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLU6.  It! 

REMITTED. 

Good  old  Sir  Isaac  Walpole  descended  from  the 
platform  and  asked  the  privilege  of  making  a  few 
personal  remarks.  Leave  being  granted,  he  referred 
to  the  case  of  Samuel  Shin,  who  was  fined  $1,100  at 
a  previous  meeting  for  sacrilege.  He  had  known 
Mr.  Shin  for  several  years,  and  had  always  respect 
ed  him  as  a  citizen  and  a  brother  of  the  Club.  Sam 
uel  was  hilarious  at  times,  but  such  was  his  nature. 
He  acted  on  the  impulse  of  the  moment,  and  while 
not  always  right,  no  one  would  charge  him  with  in 
tentional  wrong.  He  was  in  steady  employment 
and  was  now  saving  about  sixty  cents  per  week, 
and  it  would  take  him  over  forty  years  to  pay  the 
fine  imposed.  While  the  speaker  would  not  for  a 
moment  question  the  wisdom  which  imposed  the 
fine,  he  hoped  that  the  Club  would  let  mercy  and 
charity  prevail  in  their  hearts  and  give  the  sad- 
hearted  brother  one  more  chance. 

The  Hon.  Kickapoo  Johnson  thereupon  introduced 
a  resolution  remitting  the  fine,  and  it  was  carried  by 
a  hearty  and  unanimous  vote. 

GUESS   IT   HAS. 

The  Secretary  announced  a  communication  from 
the  Secretary  of  the  State  of  Kansas,  asking  the 
Club  if  education  and  a  higher  state  of  civilization 
had  had  any  influence  on  the  natural  courage  of  the 
black  man. 

"  De  Seckretary  kin  answer  back  dat  we  guess  it 
has,"  said  the  President.  "Only  dis  mawnin'  I  saw 
one  white  man  chasin'  two  black  ones  as  hard  as  dey 
could  jump,  an'  dey  seemed  to  feel  dat  dey  couldn't 
jump  half  fast  'nuff.  Answer  him  dat  readin',  writ- 


172  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

in'  an'  grammar,  an'  so  on,  has  inflooenced  de  cull'd 
man  to  back  up  agin  a  shed  when  he  wonts  to 
fight,  an'  de  furder  off  de  shed  am  de  better  he  likes 
it." 

VOTED   DOWN. 

The  Secretary's  desk  further  yielded  up  a  well- 
written  letter,  signed  by  six  colored  ladies  of  Niles, 
Mich.,  asking  the  Club  to  take  under  consideration 
the  proposition  to  establish  a  branch  lodge  for  wo 
men,  to  be  known  and  called  "  The  Daughters  of  the 
Brush."  The  letter  gave  a  dozen  reasons  why  such  a 
branch  lodge  would  result  in  good,  and  the  question 
being  brought  before  the  Club  for  discussion,  a  live 
ly  debate  ensued. 

The  Rev.  Penstock  favored  the  proposition.  He 
said  that  Queen  Victoria  was  never  heard  of  until 
she  joined  a  lodge. 

Waydown  Bebee  also  favored  it.  He  thought  a 
Saturday  night  lodge  meeting  would  give  hundreds 
of  gates  and  miles  of  sidewalk  a  rest. 

Paradise  Doolittle  was  opposed  to  any  such 
scheme.  He  thought  women  ought  to  be  content 
to  stay  at  home  and  play  the  piano  and  eat  frosted 
cake. 

Judge  Cranberry  also  opposed  the  idea.  While  he 
was  away  to  his  Club  his  wife  sat  in  a  red  rocking- 
chair  and  read  "Lady  Audley's  Secret,"  and  no 
sensible  woman  could  ask  for  more.. 

The  question  being  put  to  a  vote,  it  was  defeated 
by  forty-eight  majority. 

THE   SPELLING   REFORM. 

The  Committee  on  the  Judiciary,  to  whom  had 
been  referred  the  question  of  a  reform  in  spelling 


THE  LIME-KILN   CLUB.  173 

for  the  colored  race  of  the  land,  made  a  full  and  ex 
haustive  report.  Below  are  given  a  list  of  words 
and  the  changes  in  the  manner  of  spelling  them 
suggested  by  the  committee  and  adopted  by  the 
Club: 
Old  way.  New  way.  Old  way.  New  way.' 

Apple,  Apul.  Clothes,  Cloze. 

Wagon,  Wagn.  Dough,  Do. 

Depot,  D-po.  Rough,  Ruff. 

Chasm,  Kzm.  Caesar,  C-zer. 

Borrow,  Borer.  Gorgeous,  Gorjus. 

The  above  are  only  a  few  samples  of  the  words 
submitted.  It  was  also  suggested  and  adopted  that 
the  following  abbreviations  be  made  use  of: 

N.  G. — "  No  good."  — 

T.B. -"Go  to  Halifax." 
R  S.  — "  I'll  see  you  later." 
A.  B. — "  Lend  me  five  dollars  till  Saturday." 
C  S. — "  I'll  put  a  head  on  you." 
L.  S. — "I'll  see  you  in  Chicago  first." 

P.  T. — "I  don't  want  a  nomination,  but  I'm  in  the  hands  of  my 
friends." 
XX. — "And  don't  you  forget  it." 

THE   CLOSE. 

The  hour  of  closing  having  arrived,  the  old  man 
rolled  up  his  eyes  and  said: 

"  Gem'len,  remember  dat  de  loudest  voice  doan' 
sink  de  deepest  inter  de  heart.  Big  words  may  shut 
de  odder  man  up,  but  dey  won't  convince  him.  One 
kind  word  am  worf  more  dan  a  pleasant  day,  while 
a  pound  of  crackers  an'  about  half  a  pound  of  cheese 
will  put  more  heart  inter  a  poo'  man  dan  all  de 
promises  eber  made  on  de  hind  platform  of  a  street 
kyar.  We  will  now  pass  out  inter  de  cold  ar*' 
crewel  world  an'  see.k  to  our  separate  homes.," 


174  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

ON  THE  FENCE. 

THREE  or  four  minutes  before  time  for  sounding 
the  triangle,  a  boy  with  a  pair  of  boots  five  sizes  to 
large,  and  a  hat  big  enough  to  cover  four  heads  of 
cabbage,  climbed  the  stairs  and  encourtered  the  vigi 
lant  Tyler  in  the  ante-room. 

"Boy,  you  fly  right  down  dem  sta'rs,  or  I'll  make 
a  bar'l  of  soap  outer  dat  body! "  shouted  the  Sentinel. 

"I  guess  not,  sah,  kase  Ize  got  a  letter  heah  for 
Sir  Izook  Poletall,"  replied  the  boy. 

"  Werry  well,  den.  Now  you  squat  ober  dar  on 
de  wood-pile  till  I  takes  dis  'pistle  in  to  de  Seckre- 
tary,  an'  if  you  try  to  look  inter  de  lodge-room,  one 
of  de  biggist  kind  o'  gosts  will  jump  out  an'  bring 
ye  sich  a  box  on  de  ears  as  you  nebber  heard  tell  of." 

It  was  a  note  addressed  to  Sir  Isaac  Walpole,  and 
it  was  from  Brother  Gardner.  He  stated  that  he 
was  then  sitting  on  a  rail  fence  three  miles  in  an 
air  line  from  the  City  Hall,  defending  a  load  of  corn 
stalks  and  ten  bushels  of  corn  from  the  attacks  of 
three  white  men,  who  had  stolen  and  carried  off 
one  load  before  he  arrived.  The  note  concluded  as 
follows: 

"  De  highest  duty  of  a  man  am  to  protect  his  own 
from  de  hands  of  de  despiler,  an'  it  may  be  dat  I 
shell  hev  to  sot  here  all  night.  Go  ahead  an'  open 
an'  run  de  meetin'  to  de  bes'  of  your  'bility,  not  for- 
gettin'  dat  Pickles  Smith  will  b'ar  watchin',  an'  dat 
Elder  Toots  allus  falls  off  a  bench  to  de  left  when  he 
gits  to  sleep." 

SIR  ISAAC 

Took  the  Presidential  chair,  read  the  epistle  to  the 
members  and  signaled  for  the  triangle  to  bring  or- 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  175 

der.  His  first  move  was  to  call  off  the  names  of  the 
Committee  on  Agriculture  and  request  them  to  pro 
ceed  without  delay  to  the  spot  where  Brother  Gard 
ner  held  the  fort  and  assist  him  against  the  common 
enemy. 

PETITIONS. 

The  petitions  numbered  only  eight,  the  lightest 
number  for  several  months,  but  easily  explained  on 
the  ground  of  election  and  the  general  excitement 
attending.  The  only  "big  gun  "  in  the  eight  was 
Warsaw.  Jones,  LL.  D.,  of  Lynchburg,  Va.,  who  has 
preached  in  thirteen  different  states,  and  who  origi 
nated  the  theory  that  all  living  creatures  descended 
from  the  persimmon  and  defended  it  through  three 
rough  and  tumble  fights  before  the  Boston  Academy 
of  Science. 

ELECTION. 

T.  D.  Williams,  June  Hastings,  H.  Clay  Lukens 
and  Paine  Turner  were  shaken  up  in  the  bean  box 
and  shown  to  be  worthy  of  membership. 

THE   OYSTER. 

The  Committee  on  Catfish  and  Turtles,  to  whom 
had  been  submitted  the  query:  '•  Can  the  oyster  be 
domesticated  and  made  obedient  to  the  commands 
of  man?"  were  called  upon  and  reported  as  follows: 

"In  de  fust  place,  de  ister  am  not  purvided  with 
legs  nor  teef,  an'  lie  wouldn't  be  worf  ole  bones  to 
drive  a  cow  outer  de  back  yard.  In  the  nex'  place 
his  eyes  am  sot  too  fur  back  in  his  head  to  permit 
him  to  rush  frew  a  brush  fence  in  an  air-tine.  He 
hasn't  de  back-bone  to  stand  up  to  a  row,  nor  de 
wings  to  fly  away  from  one.  He  can't  see  in  de 


176  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUR. 

night,  an'  he  am  too  lazy  to  see  in  de  day-time.  His 
gineral  build  and  his  average  habits  proves,  to  dis 
committee,  dat  nature  nebber  'tended  him  to  act  as 
a  watch-dog  nor  occupy  a  bird-cage.  As  a  fish  he 
am  a  sudden  failure.  As  a  grasshopper  he  can't  hoe 
his  TOW.  We  turned  him  ober  an'  ober,  took  him  in 
from  all  sides,  an'  arrove  to  de  conclushun  dat  he 
am  fillin'  his  mishun  when  he  am  stewed,  fried,  or 
taken  on  de  half -shell.  Dis  committee  darefore  asks 
to  be  discharged  from  de  f urder  considerashun  of  de 
subjeck,  an'  will  ebber  pray." 

Elder  Hardfoot  Stoher  objected  to  the  report  on 
the  ground  that  it  might  encourage  poor  people  to 
buy  oysters  instead  o  '  pig's  heads  and  spare-ribs, 
but  it  was  accepted  while  he  was  in  the  middle  of 
his  remarks. 

THE  SICK. 

The  Committee  on  the  Sick  and  Relief  reported 
nine  cases  of  illness  among  the  members,  three  of 
them  very  serious.  Four  of  the  cases  were  chills 
and  fever,  three  had  a  tendency  to  rheumatism,  and 
the  other  two  fell  off  a  wood-shed.  The  Committee 
had  ascertained  that  the  last  named  members  had 
climbed  upon  the  shed  to  see  a  fight  going  on  in  a 
wood-yard,  and  "through  a  dispensashun  of  Provi 
dence  had  been  anticipated  to  the  ground  below." 

"  I  am  de  oldest  man  in  de  Club,"  said  Sir  Isaac  in 
reply,  "  an'  I  hez  yit  to  I'arn  dat  Providence  eber 
mixes  herself  up  wid  a  fight  in  a  wood-yard.  De 
queshun  of  relief  will,  darefore,  be  jumped  ober  to 
de  nex'  meetin',  when  Brudder  Gardner  kin  handle 
it  as  he  sees  fit," 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  177 

A   FAILURE. 

During  a  discussion  in  the  Club  some  time  since 
on  the  question  of  preserving  fall  vegetables,  Trus 
tee  Fullback  announced  that  pumpkins,  after  being 
treated  to  two  coats  of  varnish,  could  be  kept  for 
several  years.  The  Chairman  of  the  Committee  on 
Agriculture  was  instructed  to  treat  several  pump 
kins  in  this  manner  and  report  progress  to  the  Club. 
At  this  meeting  he  announced  his  readiness  to  re 
port,  and  said: 

"  De  next  time  dis  Club  wants  to  waste  any  varnish 
it  had  better  pour  it  down  a  rat  hole.  It  took  jist  a 
quart  to  a  pumpkin,  'ceptin'  what  de  chiU'en  drank 
up.  De  fust  week  dar'  was  no  great  change  in  de 
pumpkins,  but  doorin'  de  second  week  two  of  'em 
showed  signs  of  de  measles,  one  turned  wrong  side 
out,  an'  de  odder  two  kinder  keeled  ober  to  de  norf. 
At  de  end  of  de  third  week  de  sanitary  purlece 
knocked  on  de  doah  an'  tole  my  wife  dat  if  we  didn't 
get  dat  smell  outer  de  house  dey'd  send  me  to  de 
workhouse  fur  eighteen  hundred  years.  De  varnish 
bizness  am  a  fraud  an'  a  snare,  an'it  takes  a  heap  of 
soap  to  wash  it  off  de  fingers." 

SNUBBED. 

Caraway  Fitzjohn  here  secured  the  floor  and  asked 
leave  to  read  a  ballad  entitled  "  The  Lost  Schooner." 
composed  by  himself  and  dedicated  to  the  Lime-Kiln 
Club. 

I  object,"  said  John  Quincy  Davis  in  a  prompt 
manner. 

"  Sustain  de  jeckshun,"  came  from  all  parts  of  the 
Hall. 


178  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

"  Brudder  Fitzjohn,  am  dat  ballard  written  in  red 
ink?"  inquired  the  Chairman. 

"No,  sah." 

"Dat's  one  serius  objeckshun.  Whar  was  dat 
schooner  losted?  " 

"OndeRedSea,  sah." 

"  Dats  too  far  away  from  home — altogedertoo  far. 
What  was  she  loaded  wid?" 

"De  ballad  don't  say,  sah." 

"  Den  we  don't  keer  to  hear  it  read.  You  hez  left 
out  all  de  main  points,  Brudder  Fitzjohn,  an'  I  hope 
you'll  forgive  me  when  I  tell  you  to  stick  to  de  razor 
an'  let  poetry  take  care  of  itself." 

THE  LIBRARY. 

The  Librarian  reported  that  he  had  now  1,100  vol 
umes  on  hand,  including  over  1,000  almanacs,  and 
he  suggested  the  need  of  more  shelving  at  once, 
lie  further  reported  that  his  corner  had  beep  well 
patronized  since  the  evenings  had  become  longer, 
and  that  he  could  make  good  use  of  the  works  treat* 
ing  on  higher  philosophy  and  modern  anatomy. 

NO   DINNER. 

The  Rev.  Penstock  got  Elder  Toots  to  wake  up 
and  introduce  a  resolution  to  the  effect  that  the  Club 
give  itself  a  Thanksgiving  dinner  in  Paradise  Hall 
on  the  proper  day,  paying  all  expenses  out  of  the 
treasury,  and  he  then  jumped  up  and  made  a  seven 
minute  speech  in  favor  of  the  project.  The  idea 
seemed  to  take  all  over  the  Hall  in  a  flash,  and  not 
feeling  equal  to  the  occasion  Sir  Isaac  rose  up 
said: 

"De  mosjiun  to  adjourn  am  car'd." 


DISTINGUISHED   MEMBERS  OF  THE   CLUB  —  SIR  ISAAC   WALPOLE 
AND  SAMUEL  SHIN. 


THE  LIME-KILN   CLUB.  179 

"No  moshun — no  moshun! "  yelled  twency  mem 
bers. 

"  An'  we  will  darefore  repudiate  to  our  homes," 
he  continued. 

"  Queshun!  queshun!  "  they  yelled. 

"  Gwine  home  takes  de  precedence  ober  all  odder 
queshuns,"  softly  replied  the  old  patriarch,  and  he 
put  on  his  hat,  closed  the  books  and  beat  the  Thanks 
giving  dinner  question  out  of  sight. 


DE  CIRCUS. 

As  the  triangle  sounded  the  call  for  order,  all  Bib 
lical  discussions  came  to  an  end,  and  Brother  Gard 
ner  wiped  off  his  mouth  and  began: 

"  De  season  of  de  circus  am  come.  I  heven't  seen 
de  illustrious  han'-bills  on  de  walls  yit,  but  de  horn  am 
tootin'  only  a  few  miles  away,  an'  in  a  few  days  de 
unbendin'  elefant,  de  musical  hyena,  de  wrigglin' 
snaix  an'  de  lemonade  stand  will  be  in  our  midst. 
Doorin'  de  past  week  I  has  recepted  sev'ral  letters 
from  different  parts  of  de  kentry  axin'  if  dis  Club 
favors  gwine  to  de  circus,  an'  last  nite  two  brethren 
of  de  church  arrove  at  my  cabin  to  ax  me  to  use  my 
inflooence  to  prevent  de  circus  from  destroyin'  de 
Sunday  skule  biziiess.  Now,  I  has  ruy  own  person 
al  opinion  'bout  dese  fings,  but  I'd  like  to  h'ar  from 
de  members  of  de  Club  in  gineral." 

There  was  a  pretty  solid  chunk  of  silence  after 
the  President  sat  down,  but  Sir  Isaac  Walpole  final- 
ly  got  up  and  said; 


180  THE   LIME-KILN    CLUB, 

•'Waal,  now,  I  believe  I  kin  remember  of  gwine 
to  de  fust  circus  dat  struck  de  State  of  Old  Virginny, 
an'  I  reckon  none  eber  showed  up  in  Detroit  an'  got 
away  from  me.  I'ze  bin  right  dar,  frens,  an'  I'ze 
got  half  a  dollar  laid  by  fur  de  next  one.  I  belongs 
to  de  church,  I  rings  de  bell  fur  prayer-meetiii',  an' 
I'ze  tryin'  to  live  so  as  to  reach  dat  good  place  above 
whar'  de  weary  am  at  rest,  an'  f o'  de  Lawd !  I  doan' 
believe  dat  gwine  to  de  circus  has  eber  rubbed  de 
hide  off  in  one  single  spot.  De  man  who  can't  go 
a  circus  wid  a  clean  conscience,  an'  come  home  de 
same  way,  had  better  set  out  an'  diskiver  a  kentry 
for  himself." 

Several  other  speeches  of  like  character  were 
made,  and  the  President  arose  and  said: 

"Gem'len,  let  it  stan'  as  de  opinyon  of  de  Lime- 
Kiln  Club  dat  gwine  to  de  circus  am  twice  as  respec 
table  as  sittin'  on  de  fence  an'  makin'  up  faces  at  de 
Bengawl  tiger  in  his  cage,  am  a  heap  better  dan 
beatin'  a  wood-yard  man  outen  three  dollars  by 
movin'  in  de  night.  We  will  now  implore  de  reg'lar 
bizness  of  de  meetin'." 

SICKNESS. 

The  Committee  on  the  Sick  reported  that  Skylark 
DeSoto,  a  member  living  across  the  river,  had  met 
with  a  serious  accident,  having  been  thrown  off  the 
back  of  a  mule.  He  had  applied  for  relief,  and  the 
Committee  desired  instructions  before  drawing  any 
order  on  the  Treasurer. 

"De  queshun  am,  is  dis Brudder 'titled  to  draw  on 
de  relief  fund?"  replied  the  President. 

"In  de  fust  place,  why  was  he  on  dat  mule's  back? 
Didn't  he  know  he  might  as  well  have  been  on  de 


THE  LIME-KILN   CLUB.  181 

brink  of  Niagra?  Was  he  racin'  dat  mule?  Was 
lie  racin'  de  beast  aroim'  town  to  show  him  off? 
Lastly,  was  de  Brudder  sober  or  drunk?  Sich  ques 
tions  should  be  settled  befo'  relief  am  granted,  an' 
de  Committee  will  proceed  to  Kennedy  an'  pump  de 
wictim  for  furder  informashun." 

A  PRIZE. 

The  Rev.  Penstock,  who  had  just  returned  from 
the  home  of  his  childhood  in  Toledo,  here  arose  and 
said  he  would  like  to  utter  a  few  remarks.  Leave 
being  granted,  he  said  he  had  for  a  year  past  been 
excited  in  mind  over  the  wholesale  waste  in  oyster 
cans.  Every  one  of  the  millions  of  cans  was  worth 
less  as  soon  as  emptied  of  its  contents,  and  he 
found  them  rusting  in  alleys,  on  vacant  lots,  beside 
the  curbstone,  and  wherever  he  went.  His  philan 
thropic  interest  in  the  welfare  of  America,  as  well 
as  his  ever-present  desire  to  encourage  genius,  had 
led  him  to  offer  a  prize  of  one  terrier  dog,  one  hand- 
sled,  one  snow-shovel  and  two  dollars  in  cash  to 
any  American  who  would  invent  a  way  to  utilize 
the  old  cans.  The  subject  had  been  broached  to  the 
Club  on  a  previous  occasion,  but  nothing  had  been 
done  to  encourage  the  inventive  faculty,  and  per 
haps  nothing  would  have  been  done  but  for  the  en 
thusiasm  of  Penstock,  whose  active  mind  is  ever 
busy  with  plans  to  better  the  dwellers  in  this  great 
world. 

FERTILIZERS. 

A  communication  from  the  President  of  the  Texas 
Agricultural  College  made  inquiry 'as  to  whether  the 
Lime-Kiln  Club  made  use  of  any  special  fertilizer  in 
its  agricultural  experiments. 


182  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

"I  'spose  I'ze  got  about  as  big  a  garden  as  any  of 
us,"  replied  the  President,  as  the  letter  was  filed, 
"an'  I  'spose  I'ze  tried  about  as  many  different  fer- 
tiloozers  as  any  man  heah  'ceptin'  Sir  Isaac  Wai- 
pole.  I'ze  put  on  lime,  ashes,  salt,  saw-dust,  old 
bones,  bottles,  chips,  an'  heaps  of  odder  things,  but 
long  ago  I  diskivered  dat  an  old  bed  quilt,  a  towel  or 
two,  wid  free  or  fo'  ole  straw  hats  cho.pped  up  fine, 
an'  de  hull  spread  out  ober  de  ground  will"  grow  de 
biggest  crop  o'  melons  dat  you  eber  saw.  De  vines 
climb  right  up  like  a  gopher,  spread  out  like  city 
taxes,  an'  when  de  melons  start  to  grow  you  can't 
stop  'em  wid  a  two  mule  team." 

RESOLVED. 

Judge  Peachblossom,  who  has  heretofore  kept 
wonderfully  quiet,  presented  a  resolution  to  the  ef 
fect  that  the  present  rates  for  whitewashing  be  in 
creased  twenty  per  cent,  but  the  President  rose  up 
and  replied: 

"  I  am  an  old  man.  I  hev  seen  de  melyon  crap 
come  an'  go  nigh  onto  sixty-five  times,  an'  it  has 
taken  me  all  dese  long  y'ars  to  learn  to  let  well  'nuff 
alone.  Too  much  charge  am  as  bad  as  too  much 
whitewash.  It  am  now  time  to  repress  de  meetin' 
an'  go  down  on  de  market  an'  git  a  forty-cent  water- 
melyon  for  a  quarter." 

SCRIMSHAW  BAKER,    LL.    D. 

It  having  become  noised  around  that  a  stranger 
from  the  west  would  deliver  a  speech  before  the 
Club,  Paradise  Hall  was  filled  to  the  last  bench,  and 
business  started  off  with  enthusiasm. 


THE   LIME-KILN  (JLUB. 
PETITIONS. 

The  petitions  for  the  last  two  weeks  counted  up 
thirty-eight,  of  which  Halifax  and  Winnepeg  each 
sent  one,  and  three  came  from  California.  Of  the 
total  number  thirty -three  were  careful  to  state  that 
they  o\vneddogs,  and  a  large  number  carelessly  in 
timated  that  they  didn't  like  chickens.  Two  of  the 
petitions  from  the  south  were  accompanied  by  odes 
written  in  red  ink  and  worked  up  to  an  intense  cli 
max.  Such  petitioners  as  desire  a  copy  of  the  con 
stitution  and  by-laws  will  please  forward  ten  cents. 

PASSED   AWAY. 

The  President  announced  that  he  had  received  a 
communication  from  Fort  Scott,  Ks.,  giving  the  par 
ticulars  of  the  death  of  Ebeneezer  Flintlock,  an 
honorary  member  of  the  Club,  and  added: 

"Gem'len,  de  letter  states  dat  he  passed  away  in 
de  softest  manner,  an'  dat  his  last  request  was  to 
hev  de  Club  notified  of  his  departur'.  I  didn't  know 
him  personally,  but  I  feel  it  safe  to  say  dat  he  was 
honest,  reprehensible,  industrious,  cutaneous  an'  well 
meanin'.  P'raps  he  did't  cut  no  great  spread  in  de 
world,  an'  maybe  he  couldn't  deliver  a  Fo'th  of  July 
speech  widout  mixin'  up  cocked  hats  wid  gin  cock 
tails,  but  what  he  wore  he  paid  fur,  an'  what  he  ate  he 
aimed  by  de  sweat  of  his  brows.  De  Secretary,  as 
sisted  by  de  keeper  of  de  B'ar  Trap,  will  hang  an 
emblem  of  sorrow  to  de  knob  of  de  inner  doah  an' 
keep  it  dar  for  de  space  of  fo'teen  days,  an'  we  will 
now  jine  in  singin':" 


184  THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

"  Beneaf  de  sod  a  brudder  sleeps, 
To  wake  no  more — to  wake  no  more — 

Till  past  de  ribber  swift  an'  deep 
He's  landed  on  de  odder  shore. 

No  pain  or  sorrow  kin  he  know — 

No  words  kin  reach  him  in  his  grave; 

But  up  in  Heaven  he'll  find  dat  rest 
Which  Heaven  gives  to  e'en  a  slave." 

The  song  was  well  sung  and  ma.de  a  deep  impres 
sion  on  all  the  older  members.  What,  therefore, 
was  the  surprise  of  the  convention  to  hear  Samuel 
Shin  attempt  to  add  a  chorus  to  the  last  verse  by 
switching  off  on  "  Whoa,  Emma! "  He  was  immed 
iately  walked  to  the  front,  and  amidst  looks  and  ex 
pressions  of  indignation  he  was  fined  eight  hundred 
dollars  and  costs.  He  pleaded  anxiety  of  mind 
about  an  overdue  water-tax  as  an  excuse,  but  it  was 
no  go,  and  for  some  weeks  to  come  he  will  probably 
be  the  most  sedate  attendant  at  Paradise  Hall. 

THE  PHOTOGRAPH   QUESTION. 

At  this  point  the  Rev.  Penstock,  his  face  illumined 
with  a  smile  like  the  background  of  a  Swiss  chromo, 
secured  the  floor  and  announced  that  a  proposition 
had  been  made  to  the  Club  through  him.  It  was 
that  a  photograph  should  be  taken  of  the  interior  of 
Paradise  Hall  with  a  weekly  meeting  in  full  blast, 
and  in  return  for  the  privilege  each  member  was  to 
be  presented  with  a  copy  free. 

When  he  had  taken  his  seat  there  was  a  great 
hitching  around,  and  Trustee  Fullback  and  Enos 
Skimmerhorn  were  seen  posing  themselves  as  if 
ready  before  the  camera.  By  and  by  the  old  man 
rose  up  and  said: 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  185 

"  Gem'len,  dar  hain't  de  smallest  doubts  dat  some 
of  us  am  so  awful  purty  dat  we  hadn't  orter  lose 
any  time  in  securin'  our  fotograffs  at  any  price,  but 
out  of  respect  for  de  f eelms  of  doze  who  hain't  any 
beauty  to  brag  about,  we'll  wait  awhile  before  con- 
sentin'  to  de  proposishun.  I  an'  de  ole  woman  was 
tooken  once,  and  I  tell  you  it  was  de  worst  kind  of  a 
give  away  on  our  feet.  I  can  close  one  eye  an' 
imagine  what  a  fotograph  of  dis  Hall  would  be,  an' 
I  doan'  want  any  of  it." 

AGRICULTURE. 

The  Chairman  of  the  Committee  on  Agriculture 
had  a  brief  report  to  submit.  In  answer  to  a  com 
munication  from  Gen.  Le  Due  asking  for  a  sample 
of  Michigan  catnip  grown  in  the  shade  of  a  red 
picket  fence,  he  reported  that  he  had  collected  a 
quantity  of  leaves  and  bottled  them  so  that  they 
would  retain  their  fragrance.  He  stepped  forward 
and  handed  the  President  an  eight-ounce  bottle  and 
resumed  his  seat.  Brother  Gardner  lifted  the  bottle 
shook  it,  pulled  the  cork  and  smelled  of  the  contents, 
and  as  he  read  the  label  he  indulged  in  a  grin  that 
revealed  his  back  teeth.  At  that  moment  the  Chair 
man  came  forward  in  great  haste  and  exchanged 
the  bottle  for  another,  whispering: 

"  We  doan'  hev  'em  in  our  beds,  but  de  folks  nex' 
doah  am  fairly  car'd  away  by  the  pesky  critters." 

"WHERE  is  THE  LIMIT?" 

The  Committee  on  Reception  now  donned  their 
wide  collars  and  white  gloves  and  proceeded  to  the 
ante-room  to  return  as  the  escort  of  Scrimshaw 
Baker,  LL.  D.,  better  known  in  the  west  as  "  the 


186  THE  LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

Bald  Eagle  Orator  of  the  Rocky  Mountains.1"  After 
being  formerly  introduced  and  indulging  in  a  few 
preparatory  remarks  he  began  one  of  the  best 
speeches  ever  delivered  in  Paradise  Hall.  The  sub 
ject,  announced  above,  was  handled  between  drinks 
of  water  with  a  flow  of  logic  like  the  current  of 
some  mighty  river  sweeping  to  the  sea,  and  every 
hit  was  received  with  a  grand  yell. 

"When  de  saw-buck  was  invented, "said  the  Ora 
tor,  as  he  cast  a  sly  glance  at  Elder  Toots'  bow-legs, 
"  some  folks  imagined  dat  de  limit  was  reached,  but 
it  was  only  twenty-nine  days  before  de  world  was 
convulsed  wid  de  news  dat  de  buck-saw  had  sprung 
into  life.  After  de  buck-saw  came  de  horse-radish 
grater,  an'  upon  de  heels  of  dis  came  de  glorus  news 
dat  genius  had  given  us  de  far-soundin'  tinkle  of  de 
cow-bell.  [Cheers.]  Some  men  wanted  to  fold  deir 
hands  an'  die,  finkin'  de  end  had  come,  but  genius 
plumed  her  beak  an'  lo!  we  had  taller  candles. 
[Wild  whoops.]  Light  shone  in  dark  places,  but  it 
was  no  time  to  stop.  Wid  one  wild  swoop  of  her 
raven  wings  genius  left  at  our  doahs  a  jug  with  a 
handle  an'  de  wheel-barrow.  [Cheers  and  yells.] 
So  it  has  gone.  We  didn't  stop  wid  de  clothes-pin 
but  sprung  for'd  to  de  ha'r-pin,  de  stove  handle,  de 
jack-knife,  de  dictionary,  ice  cream,  lager  beer,  an' 
odder  splinters  of  genius  too  many  to  menshun.  We 
shall  nebber  stop.  What  am  new  dis  y'ar  will  be  ole 
de  nex'.  Genius  will  not  be  content  wid  replacin' 
de  bed-cord  by  springs,  or  de  stage  by  de  locomo 
tive,  but  will  go  on  an'  on  an'  on,  until  buttermilk 
kin  be  drawn  from  ebery  hitchin'  post,  an'  seven-cent 
sugar  scooped  in  from  de  roots  of  ebery  lamp-post. 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  18? 

In  de  language  of  one  of  Rome's  grandest  Senators, 
' Plurib'ue,  xylubus  unum  cum  dig!" 

Cheer  after  cheer  shook  the  Hall  as  the  speaker 
closed,  and  Waydown  Bebee  introduced  the  follow 
ing: 

"  Resolved,  That  the  uniformed  thanks  of  dis  Club  are  sagely 
due  to  de  great  Orator  of  de  West  fur  de  incarcerate  effort  he  has 
made  this  evening  to  entertain,  interest  and  instruct  dis  Club,  an' 
we  do  hereby  offer  him  de  freedom  of  Paradise  Hall  during  his 
stay  in  our  middle/' 

•  The  resolution  was  carried  with  a  bang,  and  after 
the  Glee  Club  had  sung  a  few  selections  from  Mozart 
the  convention  adjourned. 


MISSING. 

"GEM'LEN,"  began  the  President,  as  the  meeting 
opened,  "  look  around  dis  Hall  an'  tell  me  if  you  ob 
serve  the  well-known  figger  of  de  Hon.  Mackerel 
Johnson.  He  was  present  at  de  last  meetin'  an'  spit 
all  ober  de  stove,  but  whar  am  he  now?  Ober  dar 
am  de  sky-blue  bench  on  which  he  sits  an'  watches 
de  adventures  of  de  meetin',  but  he  ain't  dar  now." 

A  hush  fell  upon  the  members.  Previous  to  the 
opening  they  had  been  discussing  the  origin  of  the 
nutmeg-grater,  and  had  failed  to  notice  the  absence 
of  the  Brother. 

"  Gem'len,  it  am  my  painful  dooty  to  denounce 
de  fack  dat  de  Hon.  Mackerel  Johnson  am  now  ly- 
in'  on  a  bed  of  pain  an'  sorrow,"  continued  Brother 
Gardner.  "  A  day  or  two  ago,  while  engaged  in 
puttin'  on  free  different  kinds  of  frescoing  wid  his 
whitewash  brush,  he  fell  from  be  scaffold  an'  laid 


188  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

dar  behind  de  kitchen  stove  like  one  struck  dead. 
No  bones  was  broken,  but  two  surgeons  rubbed  him 
up  an'  smoothed  him  down,  an'  stuck  plasters  on 
him,  an'  said  it  would  be  weeks  befo'  his  system 
would  rally  from  de  shock.  I  was  up  dar  an'  wash 
ed  his  feet  an'  fed  him  gruel  wid  a  spoon.  He  was 
very  low,  but  he  knew  me  an'  winked  his  left  eye. 
I  call  dis  case  up  as  a  warnin'  dat  in  de  midst  of  git- 
tin'  rich  an'  livin'  on  de  top  shelf  we  am  liable  to  be 
pulled  down  by  de  roots  or  cut  down  from  de  top. 
Even  if  we  hev  pumpkin  pie,  fried  eggs,  bacon  an' 
'taters  on  de  table  all  at  once,  we  must  be  prepared 
to  leave  dis  world  on  two  minits'  notiss.  I  see  you 
all  befo'  me  in  boundin'  health  an'  frisky  speerits, 
but  on  your  way  home  you  may  be  shot  by  an  Al 
derman,  fall  into  a  sewer,  or  pass  a  house  whar  de 
young  ladies  am  indulgin'  in  archery.  Dis  world 
am  full  of  trap-holes,  fallin'  trees,  runaway  horses, 
mad  dogs  an'  butcher-carts,  an'  de  wise  man  will 
work  for  cash  down  an'  be  ready  for  de  crash  when 
it  comes." 

PETITIONS. 

The  number  of  petitions  was  fully  up  to  the  aver 
age  regarding  "Hons."  "Colonels,"  and  "Esquires," 
and  one  fact  was  particularly  noticeable.  Nearly 
every  applicant  was  careful  to  state  that  he  owned 
a  dog  and  a  shot-gun,  thus  saving  the  Investigating 
Committee  much  research  and  trouble.  Among  the 
petitioners  was  Melinda  Ann  Buxford,  of  Troy,  N. 
Y.,  who  stated  that  she  either  wanted  to  join  the 
Club  or  borrow  thirteen  shillings  to  pay  for  a  winter 
hat. 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  189 

"  I  move — "  began  Pickles  Smith,  half  rising  from 
his  seat,  when  the  President  motioned  him  to 
"squat"  and  said: 

"  De  season  of  de  y'ar  fur  rnovin'  am  dun  passed. 
De  Seckretary  will  reply  to  de  effeck  dat  her  com- 
municashun  am  placed  under  a  fo'-pound  weight  011 
de  red  table." 

AN   APPEAL. 

The  Committee  on  Hills  and  Harbors  was  called 
upon  for  a  report,  and  the  Chairman  advanced  and 
verbally  reported  that  the  Committee  had  been  in 
structed  to  bring  in  a  list  of  forts,  cities  and  streets 
named  after  famous  colored  men.  The  Committee 
had  spent  three  months  in  research,  and  had  not 
been  able  to  find  one  single  instance  where  anything 
bigger  than  a  dug-out  had  been  named  in  honor  of 
any  colored  warrior,  orator  or  statesman.  The  Com 
mittee  recommended  that  the  Club  appeal  to  the 
government  to  do  justice  to  the  colored  race  in  this 
matter,  and  a  lively  discussion  followed. 

Waydown  Bebee  thought  the  government  should 
name  at  least  three  forts  after  prominent  colored 
men.  If  the  government  refused  to  do  so,  then 
let  the  enlistment  of  colored  troops  be  discouraged. 

Pickles  Smith  arose  with  his  mouth  full  of  dry 
crackers  and  said  the — yum — day  was  not  far — yum— 
distant  when  the  name  of  the  City  of — yum — Wash 
ington  would  be  changed  to  Africanus,  and  don't 
you  forget  it! 

Trustee  Fullback  moved  that  Brother  Smith  be 
fined  fifteen  cents  for  unparliamentary  language. 

Buttercup  Hawkins  supported  the  motion  in  a  tri 
umphant  voice, 


190  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

The  Rev.  Penstock  arose  to  a  personal  privilege, 
when  Camphor  Davis  hit  him  with  a  potato. 

The  Elder  Toots  awoke  and  cried  for  "order!" 
and  Samuel  Shin  took  advantage  of  the  confusion  to 
tear  down  the  stove-pipe. 

Way  down  Bebee  was  about  to  call  for  the  previ 
ous  question,  when  a  ripe  tomato  hit  his  ear  and  he 
changed  his  call. 

Confusion  prevailed  in  all  corners.  Lexington 
Knox  fell  over  a  bench  wTith  a  terrible  crash,  and 
the  water-pail  was  knocked  out  of  shape  as  it  fell  off 
the  bench.  The  meeting  went  to  pieces  in  a  minute, 
but  when  terror  reigned  supreme,  one  blast  from 
Brother  Gardner's  horn  restored  order  and  quiet 
ness.  He  stood  up,  surveyed  the  ruins,  and  quietly 
said: 

"  De  chair  hez  no  words  of  consolashun  or  re 
proach.  .Human  natur'  am  more  streaked  dan  a  cit 
ron,  an'  it  will  hev  its  own  way.  De  Treasurer  will 
pass  around  de  hat." 

The  collection  amounted  to  over  twelve  dollars, 
and  sorrow  and  remorse  could  be  read  in  every  coun 
tenance.  When  the  cash  had  been  counted  Sir  Isaac 
Walpole  offered  a  resolution  appealing  to  the  gov 
ernment  to  recognize  the  colored  race  in  the  future 
by  naming  public  posts,  light-houses,  capes,  bays, 
etc.,  and  the  same  was  adopted. 

COMMUNICATIONS. 

Under  this  heading,  the  Secretary  read  the  follow 
ing  from  Mississippi: 

BROTHER  GARDNER. — I  take  the  liberty  to  inclose  to  you  a  copy 
of  the  constitution  of  the  first  lodge  in  modern  times  of  the  Inde 
pendent  Qrder  of  the  Improved  Jaw  Bone.  I  have  the  honor  to 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  191 

inform  you  that  you  were  enthusiastically  and  unanimously  elec 
ted  the  first  honarary  member  of  our  order.  If  you  will  give  it  a 
place  in  Paradise  Hall,  we  will  send  you  the  skull  and  cross-bones 
of  a  Boston  music  teacher,  sung  to  death  by  our  long-range  Sam 
son  last  week.  With  distinguished  respect,  I  subscribe  myself, 

JNO.  SMITH. 
Founder  of  the  order,  and  at  present  Most  High  Old  Samson. 

In  further  explanatian,  the  writer  sent  a  printed 
slip  reading: 

We,  the  undersigned,  for  the  purpose  of  more  effectually  troub 
ling  each  other  and  making  life  intolerable  to  our  neighbors,  do 
hereby  organize  ourselves  into  a  league,  both  offensive  and  defen 
sive,  and  under  the  extremest  of  penalties  subjecting  ourselves  to 
the  rules  and  regulations  of  the  following: 

CONSTITUTION. 

1.  This  league  shall  be  known  as  the  I.  O.  I.  J.  B. 

2.  The  regular  meetings  shall  be  kuown'as  "Massacres,"  and  all 
irregular  meetings  as  "  Disturbances." 

8.  The  motto  shall  be:  "  No  peace  for  the  wicked." 
4.  The  officers  shall  be  elected  at  each  meeting,  and  serve  for 
one  week,  and  shall  consist  of  the  M.  H.  O.  S.,  the  M.  H.  O.  D., 
the  L.  R,  S.,  or  L.  R.  P.,  as  the  case  may  be,  and  their  duties  shall 
be:  The  M.  H.  O.  S.  shall  preside  at  all  Massacres,  and  impose 
tines  for  violations  of  i]ie  rules,  and  confer  degrees  on  candidates, 
etc.,  etc., 

The  Secretary  was  directed  to  say  in  reply  that 
the  I.  O.  I.  J.  B.  had  the  best  wishes  of  the  Lime- 
Kiln  Club  for  its  future  prosperity,  and  as  the  hour 
for  closing  approached,  Brother  Gardner  arose  and 
said: 

"  Brudders,  in  pacin'  off  our  var'us  ways  to  our 
var'us  homes,  let  us  remember  dat  de  biggest  wind 
mill  doan'  pump  de  most  water.  De  man  who  walks 
right  along,  takin'  in  de  mud  wid  de  good  roads, 
'ceptin'  de  weatjier  as  it  comes,  an'  thankfully  chaw- 


102  THE    LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

in'  away  on  husks  when  he  can't  get  corn,  will  git 
dar  jist  as  soon  as  anybody,  an'  feel  jist  as  much  at 
home  when  de  horn  blows." 


JTJNTUS  HENRI  BATES. 

THE  hum  of  industry  greeted  the  ear  of  the  Presi 
dent  as  his  head  showed  above  the  stairway.  Elder 
Toots  was  telling  Trustee  Fullback  how  he  was 
struck  by  lightning  in  1854,  Elder  Button  was  reas 
oning  with  Samuel  Shin  on  the  offence  of  lying,  and 
the  Hon.  Ensign  Elevator  had  a  drink  of  water 
down  the  wrong  pipe  and  four  or  five  persons  were 
slapping  him  on  the  back.  In  a  brief  moment 
tongues  and  feet  ceased  to  clatter,  the  triangle 
sounded,  and  the  regular  weekly  meeting  of  the 
Lime-Kiln  Club  was  duly  opened  for  the  transaction 
of  business. 

MATRIMONIAL. 

"Will  my  frk-nd  Junius  Henri  Bates  please  step 
dis  way?"  blandly  inquired  Brother  Gardner,  as  he 
arose  and  looked  down  the  Hall. 

Junius  Henri  advanced.  He  is  a  young  man  of 
twenty-three,  distinguished  for  the  noble  manner  in 
which  he  wears  his  very  wide  collars,  and  his  good 
taste  in  selecting  pale  blue  neckties.  He  has  been 
a  very  quiet  member  of  the  Club  for  some  months 
past,  keeping  his  theories  in  the  background  and 
his  feet  well  advanced.  In  a  kind,  fatherly  way  the 
President  continued: 

"Junius  Henri,  it  am  freely  reported  frew  dis 
Club  dat  you  am  about  to  take  a  wife,  Doan'  turn 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  193 

red  in  de  face,  my  friend,  fur  de  informashim  gibs 
us  pleasure,  an'  ebery  member  will  be  ready  to  wish 
you  all  de  happiness  man  kin  take.  We  am  your 
bes'  friends  heali,  an'  darefore  1  take  dis  occaslmn 
to  say  a  few  remarks  barin'  down  on  de  occaslmn. 
No  doubt  you  love  de  fair  gal.  Dat's  c'rect.  True 
lub  excuses  a  big  mouf  an'  a  bad  breff.  True  lub 
an'  steady  wages  will  make  plenty  of  cake  an'  pie 
whar  befo'  dar  was  euffin  but  cole  taters.  Take  a 
wife  wid  de  expectashun  dat  you  kin  an'  will  sup 
port  her.  Figure  on  leavin'  off  rough  ways  an' 
rough  talk.  Doan'  'spect  dat  de  Gods  above  am 
gwine  to  buy  yer  wood  an'  flour  an'  meat.  Doan' 
'spect  dat  yer  life  will  be  all  sunshine.  Doan'  figger 
dat  ye  won't  have  disputes  an'  words  atween  ye. 
Lawd  save  ye,  boy!  my  ole  woman  an'  me  calls 
names  an'  pulls  ha'r  ebery  now  an'  den,  but  we  make 
up  in  an  hour  an'  f  orgit  all  about  it.  Be  a  good  man 
an'  a  true  husband.  Keep  off  de  co'ners  an'  away 
from  de  saloons.  Make  up  yer  mind  dat  ye've  got 
de  werry  best  woman  in  dis  world,  an'  dat  ye  can't 
nebber  do  too  much  fur  her.  Dat's  all,  boy,  an'  dis 
Club  will  be  only  too  happy  to  be  on  hand  when  de 
occashun  comes  off." 

ABOUT   "  BOOMS." 

The  Secretary  read  a  communication  from  Mt. 
Lebanon,  La.,  hinting  that  now  was  the  time  for  the 
Lime-Kiln  Club  to  come  to  the  front  and  ''boom" 
for  some  of  the  various  politicians. 

"Does  de  honorable  President  understand  de 
meanin'  ob  dat  word?"  inquired  the  Rev.  Penstock, 
as  he  drew  himself  up. 


194  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

Brother  Gardner  surveyed  the  speaker  with  proud 
disdain  for  a  minute,  and  then  replied: 

"  Do  I  know  what  a  boom  means?  Sit  down,  Brud- 
der  Penstock,  an'  doan'  forgit  as  long  as  ye  stay  on 
airth  dat  I  knowed  all  about  booms  afore  you  was 
born!  'Deed,  sah,  I  was  boomin'  down  frew  de  cot 
ton,  able  to  do  a  man's  work,  afore  you  had  teef  big 
'miff  to  munch  hoe-cake.  A  boom  means  to  git  up 
an'  dust.  To  step  to  de  front  door  an'  yell.  To  climb  to 
de  top  shelf  an'  whoop.  To  swing  yer  hat  an'  shout 
fur  de  perlece.  To  git  up  in  de  middle  of  de  night 
an'  sing  de  praises  of  a  man  who  has  an  awful  ach- 
in'  fur  offis.  Booms!  Booms!  'Scuse  me,  but  dis 
Club  has  no  pollytishuns  to  fear  an'  no  candydates 
to  favor." 

SILENT   CONTEMPT. 

Elder  Toots  here  suddenly  awoke  and  offered  a 
resolution  to  the  effect  that  the  Club  adopt  the  prin 
ciples  maintained  by  the  lamented  George  Washing 
ton,  but  Pickles  Smith  was  the  only  member  who 
seemed  to  even  hear  his  words,  and  Pickles  squelched 
him  with  a  paper  wad  between  the  eyes. 

SIGNS. 

The  Committee  on  Atmospheric  Influences  an 
nounced  that  they  were  ready  with  a  report,  and 
leave  being  granted,  the  Chairman  submitted  a  well 
constructed  report  regarding  the  coming  winter. 
The  Committee  had  been  guided  entirely  by  signs, 
and  their  reasons  for  predicting  a  hard  winter  were: 

1.  The  thickness  of  the  corn-husks. 

2.  The  unusual  number  of  overcoats  in  pawn. 

3.  The  anxiety  of  women  to  get  winter  bonnets,, 


BROTHER  GARDNER  AND  REV.  PENSTOCK. 

Bro.  Gardner. — "Do  I  know  what  a  boom  am?' 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  195 

4.  The  way  the  frogs  have  gone  down  for  deep 
water. 

5.  The  hesitancy  with  which  young  men  climb  out 
of  bed  in  the  morning. 

(5.  The  unusual  number  of  dog  fights  to  be  ob 
served  by  a  colored  man  who  keeps  his  eyes  open. 

The  report  was  accepted  and  filed,  and  the  Chair 
man  sat  down  with  a  sigh  of  relief. 

A  SHORT  SPEECH. 

The  keeper  of  the  bear-trap  sent  word  from  his 
post  in  the  ante-room,  that  Jonas  Buckhampton,  the 
great  American  traveler  and  Alabama  statesman, 
was  waiting  to  be  introduced  to  the  Club.  The  Com 
mittee  on  Credentials  were  ordered  to  bring  him  in, 
and  the  President  gave  him  a  formal  introduction  to 
the  Club. 

"  I  shall  incline  to  indulge  in  a  very  condensed 
speech  on  dis  occashun,"  he  began,  as  he  advanced 
to  the  front  of  the  platform.  "  Has  any  member  of 
dis  Club  eber  perceived  de  Catacombs  of  Paris?  I 
war  lately  dar.  To  some  it  am  a  festive  sight,  re 
dundant  wid  joy  an'  enthusiasm.  To  odders  it  brings 
de  pensive  tear  an'  makes  de  chin  wobble.  De  ma 
jority  of  you  may  have  de  impreshun  dat  catacombs 
refer  to  cats  an'  combs.  Ah,  my  frens,  dat's  whar 
ye  are  lame.  Dar's  no  cats  dar — not  a  cat.  Dar's 
no  combs  dar,  onless  ye  carry  one  in  yer  satchel." 

The  speaker  paused  to  drink  a  pint  of  water  and 
wipe  of  his  chin,  and  then  resumed: 

"  Jumpin'  from  the  Catacombs  of  Paris  to  de  Par- 
amids  of  Egypt,  let  me  ax  if  any  member  of  dis 
Club  w.ar  eber  dar?  Dey  am  a  grand  sight.  Men 
seems  no  bigger  dan  a  calf  compared  to  dem.  Who 


196  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

built  dem?  Who  'rected  dem?  Who  bossed  de  job 
of  gettin  out  de  stun,  mixin'  de  morter  an'  layiii'  up 
de  blocks?  I  can't  tell.  I  axed  several  persons 
'round  dar,  but  dey  couldn't  tell." 

Here  he  took  another  dipper  of  water  and  then 
went  on  to  say: 

"  Let  us  pause  an'  ax  ourselves  who  invented  ha'r 
ile  an'  sticken'-plaster,  an'  let  us  take  a  piece  of 
chalk  and  figger  up  how  much  benefit  dey  hev  been 
to  de  world.  Dats  about  all  on  dis  occashun,  my 
frens,  and  I  trust  dat  de  impulsiveness  of  dis  Club 
will  constantly  detract  from  de  plethora  of  its  im 
mensity." 

For  half  a  minute  there  was  an  awful  silence,  and 
then,  as  the  orator  was  leaving  the  room,  Samuel 
Shin  fell  over  backwards  off  his  bench  and  laughed 
till  Trustee  Fullback  jabbed  him  with  the  brad-awl 
fixed  in  the  toe  of  his  boot.  Samuel  was  walked  out 
and  lectured  on  the  enormity  of  his  offence,  and  but 
for  his  previous  good  character  he  might  have  been 
fined  two  or  three  thousand  dollars. 

"  De  plethora  of  immensity  won't  hurt  us  if  we 
stick  to  our  bizness,"  remarked  the  President,  and 
order  was  restored  and  the  business  of  the  meeting 

went  on. 

* 

BE  WHAT  YOU   ARE. 

When  the  notes  of  the  triangle  gave  warning  of 
the  hour  for  closing,  Brother  Gardner  said: 

"My  frens,  de  man  in  disguise  am  de  chap  who 
doan'  take  comfort.  Be  what  you  am,  an'  nobody 
else.  Doan'  pucker  yer  moufs  to  make  'em  look 
small,  nor  pinch  yer  feet  to  lessen  de  bulge.  Tryin' 
to  pull  on  a  No,  7  kid  glove  ober  a  No.  10  hand  am 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  10? 

on  a,  par  wid  spendin'  all  yer  money  fur  bacon  an' 
den  jawin'  de  ole  woman  cause  ye  hevn't  got  taters. 
Dat's  all  jist  now,  an'  we  will  git  under  our  hats  an' 
impeach  de  meetin'  fur  a  week." 

COMMUNICATIONS. 

Jason  S.  Strong,  of  Jackson,  Fla.,  made  written 
inquiry  for  the  names  of  such  members  of  the  Club 
as  were  prepared  to  spend  January,  February  and 
March  in  that  land  of  flowers,  as  he  desired  to 
show  them  every  courtesy  and  make  their  stay 
pleasant. 

The  Rev.  Penstock  heaved  a  sigh  as  big  as  a  saw 
mill. 

Sir  Isaac  Walpole  smiled  in  a  way  becoming  his 
position. 

Waydown  Bebee  caressed  his  red  neck-tie  and 
grinned  until  his  mouth  seemed  about  to  absorb  his 
ears. 

"  Gem'len  of  de  Club,  how  many  of  you  am  gwine 
down  thar?"  asked  Brother  Gardner  as  he  looked  up 
and  down  the  Hall. 

Samuel  Shin  arose  to  his  feet  after  an  embarrasing 
silence. 

"You  gwine  down  dar  to  sport  around  an'  fatten 
up  your  health!"  exclaimed  the  President  as  he  sur 
veyed  Samuel.  "  Misser  Shin,  you  sot  down!  If 
you  worry  f rew  de  balance  of  de  week  widout  freez- 
in'  your  heels  you'll  be  doin'  extra  well,  to  say  nuffiii 
of  gwine  down  to  Floryda." 

Samuel  sat  down  with  such  a  bang  as  to  jar  the 
whole  Hall,  and  during  the  rest  of  the  evening  he 
sat  with  his  feet  in  Parsnip  Hasting's  plug  hat,  just 
to  be  mean  and  obstinate. 


198  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

VISITORS. 

The  Committee  on  Reception  reported  the  arrival 
during  the  week  of  a  small  colored  gentleman  and  a 
very  large  bundle  of  something  tied  up  in  bed-tick 
ing.  The  name  of  the  man  was  given  the  Commit 
tee  as  Vice- Admiral  Standhope,  of  the  Italian  navy, 
visiting  this  country  to  inspect  naval  affairs.  The 
Committee  might  have  accepted  his  statements  had 
the  stranger  been  less  exacting  in  his  demands.  He 
wanted  to  march  to  Paradise  Hall  behind  a  band 
and  a  flag,  put  up  at  a  hotel  with  a  frescoed  kitchen 
and  be  assured  a  private  box  in  the  opera  house 
every  night.  The  Committee  consulted  with  prom 
inent  citizens  as  to  the  stranger's  claims  of  official 
position,  and  the  result  was  a  movement  on  the 
part  of  the  Admiral  which  placed  him  in  Canada 
just  five  minutes  ahead  of  a  policeman. 

The  Committee  further  reported  that  they  had 
been  warned  of  the  arrival  of  Joseph  Q.  Flatheart, 
of  Elmyra,  N.  Y.,  who  would  spend  a  day  or  two  in 
the  city  and  present  the  Club  with  a  new  recipe  for 
removing  paint  and  grease  from  gold-bowed  specta 
cles  and  piano  legs. 

COMMITTEE  ON  THE  JUDICIARY. 

This  Committee  had  been  instructed  to  gather  sta 
tistics  relative  to  the  past  and  present  habits  of  the 
American  people,  and  report  as  to  whether  the  pres 
ent  generation  is  an  improvement  on  the  last.  The 
Chairman  reported  that  they  had  traveled  scores  of 
miles,  interviewed  dozens  of  people,  read  several 
books,  and  had  sought  to  thoroughly  investigate  the 
subject  given  them.  He  reported  that  there  had 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  199 

been  considerable  change  in  the  habits  of  the  peo 
ple.  A  great  many  people  now  cut  pie  with  a  fork, 
instead  of  taking  the  whole  piece  in  the  hand  and 
biting  off  what  they  could  handily  chew  at  once. 
Women  who  used  to  do  their  own  washings  and 
grew  healthy  over  it,  now  kept  three  servants  and 
endeavored  to  look  pale  and  languid.  Men  who 
used  to  be  satisfied  with  a  house-dog,  and  a  poor  one 
at  that,  must  now  keep  at  least  three  trotting  horses 
and  be  three  months  behind  in  settling  up  with  the 
grocer  and  butcher.  Boys  who  would  have  been 
tucked  away  in  their  trundle-beds  at  dark  thirty 
years  ago,  were  now  met  on  the  streets  at  11  o'clock 
at  night,  smoking  cheap  cigars  and  talking  about 
"  the  old  man's"  childishness.  Other  changes  were 
mentioned,  but  the  Committee  could  not  say  wheth 
er  the  innovations  had  greatly  increased  the 
number  of  murders  or  added  to  the  population  of 
prisons. 

"  As  to  de  improvement  spoken  of,"  continued  the 
Chairman,  "  dis  Committee  am  divided.  Some  of 
us  believe  dat  de  good  clothes  an'  good  grammar  to 
be  found  all  aroun'  us  to-day  am  a  powerful  boost 
on  de  present  ginerashun,  while  odders  put  deir  fin 
ger  on  de  list  of  scandals,  robberies,  murders  an' 
skips  to  Kennedy  as  an  offset.  De  Committee  hez, 
darfore,  concluded  to  report  dat  de  kentry  am  doin' 
as  well  as  could  be  'spected,  an'  dat  de  present  gin 
erashun  can't  help  what  it  doaii  know." 


BEYOND  THE  VALE. 

"As  I  war  gwine  to  remark,"  said  Brother  Gard 
ner,  as  Samuel  Shin  ceased  poking  the  fire,  "  we 


200  THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

does  not  know  what  a  day  may  bring  forth.  At  de 
last  meetin'  all  was  joy  an'  peace,  an'  ceptin'  dat  we 
'spected  anodder  polar  wave,  we  felt  dat  life  was 
full  of  pleasant  spots  an'  clam,  chowder.  To-day— 
jist  one  short  week — it  am  my  prehensive  dooty  to 
inform  you  of  de  death  of  our  honorary  brudder, 
Judge  Clingstone  of  Memphis,  Term.  From  a  letter 
received  yesterday,  I  learn  dat  he  cum  to  his  last 
hour  by  fallin'  off  de  roof  of  a  house.  What  he  was 
doin'  on  dat  roof  am  not  for  me  to  say.  De  fall 
broke  his  neck,  an'  de  doctahs  couldn't  save  him. 
He  was  50  y'ars  of  age,  an'  his  appetite  was  good. 
He  jined  to  dis  Club  about  ten  months  ago,  an'  he 
has  taken  a  very  lurid  interest  in  its  prospects  eber 
since.  He  had  arranged  to  wisit  us  in  de  spring,  an' 
deliber  a  lecture  in  dis  Hall,  on  'How  to  Live  to  a  Good 
Ole  Age,'  but  death  steps  in,  an'  whar  am  Brudder 
Clingstone?  What  am  de  common  sense  of  de 
meetin?" 

A   RESOLUTION. 

Sir  Isaac  Walpole  said  that  he  was  deeply  grieved 
to  learn  that  the  Judge  had  passed  away,  and  he 
suggested  a  resolution  of  respect. 

The  Rev.  Penstock  thereupon  introduced  the  fol 
lowing  preamble  and  resolution: 

"W Haras,  It  has  come  to  de  knowledge  of  dis  Club  dat  Judge 
Clingstone  am  no  more  wid  us  in  dis  cold  vale;  darfore, 

"Resolved,  Dat  de  acute  sympathies  of  de  Club  in  gineral  an' of 
each  member  in  pertickler,  am  hereby  handed  to  de  widow  an'  de 
fadderless,  an'  dat  a  black  ribbon  shall  be  hung  on  de  triangle  for 
de  space  of  thirty  days.  It  am  also  furder 

"Resolved,  Dat  members  of  dis  Club  am  hereby  warned  not  to 
climb  upon  de  roofs  of  houses  at  dis  or  any  odder  season  of  de 
y'ar." 


Tin?  LIME  KILN  CLUB.  201 

The  "common  sense''  of  the  meeting  was  adopt 
ed,  and  the  President  called  for  the  report  of  the 

INTERPOSED. 

The  Hon.  Thomas  Juneberry  wanted  the  proceed 
ings  "interposed,"  and  the  Rev.  Python  Jones  was 
cordially  suppoited  by  the  instruments  as  he  ascen 
ded  the  platform  and  sung  as  follows: 

Some  folks  am  on  tie  exodus, 
An'  some  am  on  de  walk; 

Ah-ha  -oh  yes! 

True  es  gospil! 
An'  some  am  on  de  talk. 

I  knows  of  certain  cull'd  men 
Too  lazy  fur  to  work; 

Ah-ha!    Poo'  scrubs! 

Hope  dey'll  freeze! 
De  nigger  mus'  not  shirk. 

De  nigger  who  works  will  git  de  moas'  pay, 

Way  down!     Way  down! 
An'  dey'll  hev  de  mos'  money  when  it  comes  Saturday — 

Way  down!     'Suah's  yer  bo'n! 

"  NOT    MUCH  !  " 

A  communication  from  Baltimore  asked  the  Club 
to  take  some  action  regarding  the  increased  con 
sumption  of  tobacco,  and  to  throw  the  weight  of  its 
influence  against  any  use  of  the  weed  by  citizens  of 
any  color.  It  stated  that  over  twenty  different  fatal 
diseases  could  be  distinctly  traced  to  the  use  of  to 
bacco,  and  that  millions  of  money  was  annually 
wasted  in  purchasing  the  fell  destroyer. 

Brother  Gardner  asked  for  a  general  expression  of 
opinion,  and  the  following  are  fair  samples: 


202  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

Judge  Crossgun — "  Ize  era  wed  terbacky  for  forty 
y'ars,  an'  Ize  gwine  to  chaw  her  till  I  die." 

Deacon  Jackson — "  Take  away  de  Fo'th  of  July, 
but  leave  me  ping  terbacky." 

Trustee  Fullback — "  It  keeps  de  spirits  up,  cools  off 
de  system,  braces  de  nerves,  an'  I  only  wish  I  could 
chaw  on  boaf  sides  of  my  mouf  to  once." 

Independence  Jones — "De  man  who  would  take 
away  my  pipe  would  pick  my  pocket." 

Sir  Isaac  Walpole  then  presented  a  resolution  to 
the  effect  that  the  Kime-Kiln  Club  had  no  enmity 
against  tobacco,  and  the  same  was  adopted  and 
filed. 

ON  RELIEF. 

The  Committee  on  Local  Relief  reported  that  the 
closing  in  of  winter  had  created  considerable  dis 
tress  among  the  poor,  but  a  great  majority  of  the 
members  of  the  Lime  Kiln  Club  were  pretty  well 
fixed,  as  most  of  them  had  laid  in  supplies,  and 
many  of  them  were  in  steady  employment.  The 
Chairman  of  the  Committee  reported  that  he  had 
been  waylaid  and  struck  on  the  ear  with  a  frozen 
cabbage  because  he  had  refused  to  introduce  a  reso 
lution  granting  $20  to  enable  a  woman  to  make  the 
first  payment  on  a  melodeon. 

The  Rev.  Penstock  at  once  arose  and  introduced 
the  following,  which  was  at  once  seconded  and 
adopted: 

W/i'ara.s,  It  has  been  demonstrated  dat  human  life  am  not  safe 
onless  you  cum  down  wid  twenty  dollars  to  help  buy  a  melodeon; 
and — 

WWaras,  De  practice  of  music  seems  to  inspire  malice  an' 
murder  in  de  human  heart,  to  de  exclusion  of  mercy  an'  pity; 
darfore — 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  203 

Resolved,  Dat  we  petishun  de  present  Legislachur  to  foreclose 
on  a  law  to  de  effect  dat  all  musishuns  shall  furnish  bonds  in  de 
sum  of  $5,000  each  for  deir  good  behavior. 

The  Secretary  was  directed  to  draw  up  a  petition 
and  see  that  each  member  of  the  Club  signed  it,  and 
there  being  no  further  business  before  the  meeting, 
it  adjourned  for  one  week. 


MARY  JANE'S  PETISHUN. 

THERE  was  an  unstudied  picturesqueness  in  the  at 
titude  of  the  old  man  as  he  got  rid  of  a  cinder  in  his 
left  eye  and  began: 

"Gem'len,"  began  the  President  as  he  gave  his 
nose  a  last  wipe  with  a  red  cotton  handkerchief, 
"  I  hole  har  in  my  hand  a  petishun  from  Mary  Jane 
Bascomb,  of  Chicago,  axin'  dis  Club  to  use  its  in- 
flooence  to  suppress  extravagance  among  de  cull'd 
people  of  de  land.  I  hez  been  givin'  dis  subject 
much  thought  of  late,  an'  I  find  dat  de  last  few  y'ars 
hez  developed  sich  streaks  of  extravagance  among 
black  folks  dat  it  am  high  time  some  ackshun  was 
taken  by  an  organizashun  like  dis  Club.  A  few 
y'ars  ago  de  average  cull'd  woman  war  satisfied  wid 
calico  dresses  an'  articles  to  match,  but  now  whar 
am  she?  Why,  gem'len,  right  in  sight  of  my  ole 
cabin,  am  no  less'n  a  dozen  black  women  who  walk 
out  wid  deir  bombazine  dresses  trailin'  way  back, 
ten  shillin'  parasols  lifted  on  high,  an'  hats  on  deir 
heads  which  nebber  cost  less  dan  twenty  shillin's. 
An'  dis,  too,  when  deir  husbands  am  skeercely  aim- 
in'  a  dollar  a  day.  I  hear  of  fam'lies  buyin'  ice 
cream  on  Sunday,  strawberries  ebery  day  frew  de 


204  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

week,  an'  talkin'  bout  rentin'  a  boz  in  de  post-offis. 
I  see  culFd  men  sportin'  blue  necklies  costing  fifty 
cents,  an'  actually  puttin'  on  kid  gloves  Sunday 
mornin!  I  know  of  cull'd  families  in  dis  town  which 
hev  cane-seat  chairs  in  de  parlor — yes,  gem'len, 
right  in  de  parlor,  an'  like  a  nuff  a  stuffed  cha'r 
'long  wid  'em!  De  clean,  white  floor  am  kivered 
wid  a  carpet — yes,  wid  a  carpet,  an'  on  de  walls  am 
chroemeos  refulgent  wid  gorgeousness!  What  did 
our  grand  fodders  an'  our  4-fodders  do?  Didn't  dey 
live  an'  grow  fat  an'  die  honest  folks  an'  nebber  have 
any  sich  richness?  I  tell  you  dat  we  am  livin' 
too  fast.  We  hez  got  to  hole  back.  When  an  hon 
est,  hard- workin' cull'd  man  must  hev  a  stuffed  chair 
to  sit  down  on.  a  walnut  table  to  eat  his  meals  on, 
an'  reg'lar  hinges  to  de  front  gate,  same  as  de  rich 
white  folks,  den  you  look  out  to  see  crime  increase 
an'  de  measles  go  whoopin  frew  de  kentry." 

MORE  HONORS. 

Before  taking  his  seat  the  President  read  a  letter 
from  the  proprietor  of  a  hotel  for  colored  folks  on 
Jersey  Flats,  New  Jersey,  inviting  members  of  the 
Club  going  to  or  returning  from  Saratoga  to  make 
his  house  their  home  at  ten  per  cent,  discount  from 
regular  rates.  In  case  the  Club  came  in  a  body  he 
would  make  a  still  greater  reduction  and  throw  in 
buttermilk  free. 

COMMUNICATIONS. 

The  following  communications  were  read  by  the 
Secretary  in  a  voice  full  of  deep  emotion: 

To  the  Hon.  M.  B.  GARDNER,  President  Lime-Kiln  Club: 

RESPECTED  SIR— As  Chairman  of  a  "committee"  appointed  at 
an  "adjourned  meeting"  of  the  "chartered  and  incorporated" 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

Society  of  "True  and  Loyal  Brothers  of  the  Seven  League"  to 
solicit  funds  for  the  further  aid  and  establishment  of  said  "socie 
ty,"  do  do  herein  present  to  your  honorable  body  our  petition  for 
"  financial  aid"  in  order  to  prepare,  erect  and  complete  a  thorough 
first-class  "walking  rink,"  with  all  the  modern  improvements 
(bay  windows,  hot  and  cold  water,  etc.),  for  the  purpose  of  de 
veloping  the  latent  physical  powers  of  the  colored  race  in  this, 
our  glorious  and  happy  land.  The  early  remittance  of  a  fifty 
dollar  check  will  meet  with  a  hearty  approval  on  the  part  of  the 
undersigned;  and  am  authorized  to  say  that  in  such  an  event  a 
"  memorial  window,"  with  a  soutlurn  exposure,  will  be  erected  to 
the  honor  and  glory  of  your  honorable  body  on  the  final  comple 
tion  of  this  colossal  monument  of  modern  architecture.  To  this 
will  be  added  a  glorious  consciousness  of  having  nobly  responded 
to  the  call  of  suffering  "  colored  humanity,"  myriads  of  whom 
are  daily  dying  in  darkest  ignorance  of  the  science  and  enligh 
tenment  of  this,  our  nineteenth  century.  Heed  the  cry  of  the 
widow  and  the  orphan,  which  is  wafted  on  every  breeze  o'er  our 
fair  Southern  land,  echoed  in  the  glens  and  vales  of  the  Indian 
nation  and  borne  on  this  tidal  wave  to  our  "  migrating  brethren" 
in  the  wilds  of  Kansas  where  gathering  renewed  force  it  thun 
ders  reverberate  on  the  shores  of  the  Artie  Ocean,  and  with  free 
hearts  and  willing  hands  put  your  shoulders  to  the  wheel. 
Most  Sincerely  Your  "  Expectent"  Servant, 

ERASMUS  DAILY  DEWITT, 

Chairman. 

'' Gem'len,"  said  the  President,  as  he  slowly  rose 
up  after  the  reading;  and  took  a  long  squint  at  the 
Sacred  Bear-Trap,  "  when  de  time  arroves  dat  dis 
Club  favors  de  walking-match  bizness  I  want  to  be 
in  dat  land  whar  all  de  populashuii  use  wings  stead 
of  legs  to  git  from  place  to  place.  De  difference 
'tween  a  loafer  on  de  corner  an'  one  in  a  rink  am  so 
mighty  small  dat  an  ole  man  like  me  am  all  mixed 
up,  an'  we  will  now  drap  de  subjeck, 


206  THE   LIME-KILN  CLUR. 

•   THEIR   ANSWER. 

Last  week  the  Committee  on  the  Judiciary  and 
Buckwheat  Interest  were  asked  to  report  in  one 
week  on  the  conundrum  of  the  Attorney-General  of 
Iowa:  "What  do  you  consider  the  first  duty  of  a 
man  who  finds  a  sack  of  flour  in  the  road  on  a  dark 
night,  with  no  one  around  to  see  him  shoulder  it?" 
The  Committee,  through  its  Chairman,  the  Hon. 
Benign  Crabtree,  submitted  the  following  answer: 

"  De  undersigned  got  to-gedder  an'  took  in  de 
queshun,  an'  dar  war  only  ten  minits  in  arriving  at 
a  delushun.  Dat  delusluin  am  to  de  effeck  dat  sich 
a  streak  of  good  luck  doan'  happen  once  in  ten  thous 
and  years,  but  when  she  does  happen  it  am  de  duty 
of  de  finder  to  take  de  fiour  home  an'  eat  it  up  to 
keep  it  from  being  struck  by  lightning." 

DISSENTERS. 

Trustee  Fullback  and  Deacon  Sunshade  hoped  the 
report  would  not  bo  adopted.  It  was  their  firm  con 
viction  that  the  find  should  be  advertised  in  all  the 
morning  papers  and  held  thirty  days  for  a  claimant. 
If  none  appeared  at  that  time  the  property  should 
be  turned  over  to  an  orphan  asylum.  The  Club, 
however,  adopted  the  report  by  a  large  majority,  and 
when  the  vote  was  announced  Samuel  Shin's  feet 
made  so  much  hurrah  that  the  bear-trap  fell  from 
its  hook  and  cut  a  bad  gash  in  the  scalp  of  Lord 
Cornwallis  Jones,  who  was  dreaming  he  was  flirting 
with  an  octoroon  on  the  ferry  boat. 


THANKS  AND  MODESTY. 


THE  Janitor's  face  wore  a  more  pleasant  look  than 
for  weeks  before  as  he  flourished,  his  dusting-cloth 


THE  LIME-KILN   CLUB.  207 

around  and  proudly  pointed  first-comers  to  a  box 
behind  the  President's  chair.  Some  kind  friend  at 
Marietta,  Ga.,  had  forwarded  the  Club  a  horse-pis 
tol,  once  the  property  of  Thomas  Jefferson,  a  biscuit 
cutter  used  by  Martha  "Washington,  a  grindstone  on 
which  Andrew  Jackson  sharpened  his  knife  before 
paring  down  his  corns,  and  a  coon-skin  cap  which 
John  Brown  had  worn. 

THANKS. 

"On  behalf  of  de  Club  I  return  thanks  for  dese 
artikles  of  intelligence  an'  historic  assumption," 
said  Brother  Gardner  when  the  meeting  had  open 
ed.  "  Two  y'ars  ago  de  only  artikle  of  refinement 
an'  culchur  in  dis  Hall  was  dat  b'ar-trap  hangin'  up 
dar.  Look  ober  de  walls  now  an'  behold  what  a 
change!  Two  y'ars  ago  none  of  us  could  appreciate 
de  red  an'  yaller  streaks  in  a  chroemeo.  Now  wre 
neber  git  tired  of  drinkin'  dem  in.  Progreshun  hez 
been  de  word  from  de  fust  send-off,  an'  let  progresh- 
un  be  our  motto  in  de  days  to  come. '  De  Janitor, 
assisted  by  de  culchured  Seckretary,  an'  bossed  by 
de  eminent  Treasurer,  will  adorn  de  walls  wid 
dese  furder  relics  at  de  speediest  convenient  occa- 
shun." 

MODESTY,    THOU    ART   A    DIAMOND. 

The  very  first  letter  opened  by  the  Secretary  as  he 
turned  to  his  desk,  caused  a  grand  flutter  of  excite 
ment  in  the  Hall.  It  contained  a  communication 
from  the  President  of  a  well  known  college  confer 
ring  upon  Brother  Gardner  the  title  of  LL.  D.,and 
upon  Sir  Isaac  Walpole  that  of  A.  B, 


208  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

"  Fo'  do  Lawd,  but  jiss  listen  to  dat!"  yelled 
Trustee  Fullback,  as  he  rose  up  and  swung  his  hat. 

There  was  a  grand  yell  from  every  member  pres 
ent,  and  during  the  excitement  Samuel  Shin  man 
aged  to  get  in  his  work  on  the  stove-pipe,  knocking 
it  down  for  the  fifth  time  in  three  months.  When 
the  excitement  somewhat  subsided,  the  President 
arose  and  said: 

"  Gem'len,  I  am  tooken  by  surprise.     Had  a  pock 
et-book  wid  fifty  dollars  in  it  dropped  frew  de  roof, 
de  cold  chills  couldn't  creep  up  my  back  any  faster. 
But  surprised  or  prepared,  dar  am  but  one  course  to 
take.    I  shell  decline  de  title." 

A  groan  of  anguish  resounded  through  the  Hall. 

"  Gem'len,  you  forgit  dat  titles  am  only  worn  on 
de  sleeve,"  continued  the  President.  "  We  liev 
seen  judges  put  off  de  bench  for  corrupshun.  We 
know  aldermen  who  kin  be  bought  for  money.  Doc 
tors  of  divinity  hev  stolen  horses,-  and  bachelors  of 
art  hev  robbed  smoke-houses.  I  has  tried  hard  to 
win  de  title  of  an  honest,  hard-workin'  man,  who 
kin  behave  like  a  gem'len  at  all  times  an'  in  all 
places,  an'  dat's  title  'miff  fur  me.  I  am  pleased  at 
de  compliment,  an'  am  pleased  to  see  de  Club  take 
it  as  an  honor,  but  I  must  firmly  decline  to  lengthen 
out  my  name." 

''Gem'len  an'  brudders,"  began  Sir  Isaac  as  he 
rose  up,  "  I  am  an  ole  man.  Ize  gettin'  so  tremblin' 
an'  feeble  dat  I  kin  hardly  walk  about,  an'  I  know 
dat  de  time  am  not  fur  ahead  when  dey  shall  hear 
my  knock  at  Heaven's  gate.  I  hev  tried  to  do  right 
by  all,  an'  dat  feelin'  am  worf  a  fousand  times  more 
to  me  dan  all  de  titles  all  do  colleges  in  de  land  kin 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  209 

kivor  me  up  wid..  Tell  'em  dey  hev  my  thanks,  but 
dey  kin  tie  de  title  to  somebody  who  needs  it  afore 
he  kin  git  trusted  at  de  grocery." 


NINE  HOSSES  AN'  A  DOG. 

"  GEM'LEN,"  said  Brother  Gardner,  as  Wendell 
Philips  Pratt  got  away  from  the  stove  after  burning 
his  knee  on  the  hot  iron,  "  some  of  de  members  of 
dis  Club  hev  risen  to  de  importance  of  ownin'  a  hoss 
an'  a  dog.  So  fur  as  de  dog  am  consarned  I  doan' 
keer,  kase  he  am  expected  to  pick  up  a  bone  heah 
an'  a  cold  tater  dere,  an'  scrub  around  an'  keep  fat, 
but  de  case  am  different  wid  a  hoss  who  am  tied  up 
or  hitched  up  all  day  an'  all  night.  I  war  lookin' 
round  de  odder  day,  an'  I  found  dat  out  of  seven 
bosses  owned  by  members  of  dis  Club  five  war  so 
poor  an'  pale  an'  sorrowful  an'  cast  down  dat  life 
war  a  burden  to  dem  an'  dey  didn't  care  a  cent  whed- 
der  school  kept  or  not.  Now,  it  am  my  opinyon  dat 
de  man  who  can't  even  feed  a  hoss  on  bran  an'  dried 
apples  an'  make  him  puff  out  an'  look  decent  had 
better  sell  out  an'  put  his  capital  into  a  cart,  which 
doan'  hev  to  be  rubbed  down  or  fed  or  watered,  an' 
which  doan'  get  de  eperzootic  jist  when  you  want 
to  use  it  de  moas.  Last  Sunday  I  saw  nine  shades 
an'  a  dog  bein'  drawed  around  by  a  hoss  owned  by 
a  member  of  dis  Club,  an'  de  smallest  nigger  in  de 
lot  was  bigger  dan  de  hoss.  Sech  exhibitions  of  put- 
tin'  on  style  are  not  only  bad  on  de  hoss,  but  white 
folks  stop  on  de  corners  an'  cry  out:  '  De  Lime-Kiln 
Club  am  gwine  up  to  Fisher's!'  I  doan'  call  eny 
names,  but  I  am  gwine  to  remark  dat  if  de  seven 


210  THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

bosses,  owned  by  members  of  dis  Club,  doan'  git 
moar  oats  an'  bay  an'  less  Club  somebody  will  be 
walked  up  heah  an'  talked  to,  an'  de  Club  will  pass  a 
resolushun  to  do  its  sleigh-riden  on  a  hand  sled." 

ELECTION. 

The  following  eminent  gentlemen  were  put 
through  tbe  bean  box  with  neatness  and  dispatch: 
C.  Columbus  Herrington,  of  Georgia;  Thomas  Car- 
lyle  Stub,  of  Pennsylvania;  Juan  Scott,  of  Illinois; 
Thomas  Benton  Smith,  of  New  York;  Thurlow  Weed 
Hopkins,  of  New  Brunswick  and  Judge  Summer 
Todd,  of  Ohio.  Mr.  Scott  claims  to  be  the  only  col 
ored  man  in  this  country  who  can  go  upon  the  stage 
and  act  the  part  of  "  Hamlet."  He  has  had  a  broth 
er  in  the  Louisiana  Legislature,  another  in  State 
Prison  and  is  otherwise  prominent.  Mr.  Stub's  char 
acter  was  vouched  for  by  three  Pittsburgh  bankers, 
one  of  whom  added  to  his  recommend: 

"I  think  he'd  subscribe  fifty  thousand  dollars  to 
the  Washington  monument  as  quick  as  a  wink,  if 
he  only  had  the  cash  to  spare.  His  greatest  failure 
is  his  innocence,  and  the  fact  that  he  won't  swear 
when  he  stubs  his  toe." 

IN  MEMORIAM. 

Samuel  Shin  here  got  the  floor,  rising  to  a  question 
of  privilege,  and  inquired  if  the  Club  were  expected 
to  pass  resolutions  of  grief  whenever  a  Legislature 
adjourned.  He  had  been  informed  that  over  twenty 
different  Legislatures  were  now  in  session,  and  the 
Club  should  be  prepared  with  some  sort  of  resolu 
tion  that  could  be  applied  to  each  body  as  it  broke 
up  in  the  spring. 


THE    LIME-KILN   CLUB.  211 

"  Brudder  Shin,  dar's  brains  in  your  head  as  well 
as  fat,"  replied  the  President.  "  De  queshuii  am. 
well  taken  an'  de  idea  good.  De  Committee  on  de 
Judishery  will  retire  an'  report  a  resolushun  wid 
pathos  in  it." 

THEY  DID. 

The  committee  cooled  their  heels  in  the  ante-room 
five  or  six  minutes  ond  then  returned  and  reported 
the  following: 

"  IWi'ams,  De  Legislachur  of  de  State  of was  composed 

of  all  de  best  talent  dat  could  be  foun'  in  town  or  kentry;  an' 

"  Wli'aras,  De  body  was  unanimously  in  favor  of  reform,  econ 
omy  an'  public  wellfar',  an'  not  a  speech  was  wasted  doorin'  de 
hull  seshun;  an' 

"  Wh'aras,  Such  anodder  body  kin  never  agin  be  collected  to- 
geder,  for  want  of  talent;  now,  darfour, 

"Ifesolved,  Dat  de  corpse  has  our  heartfelt  sympathy,  an'  de 
widder  an  de  fadderless  our  assurance  dat  what  am  deir  loss  am 
de  kentry's  gain." 

The  preamble  and  resolution  were  adopted,  and 
the  Secretary  was  instructed  to  make  out  as  many 
copies  as  there  are  legislatures  in  session,  and  hold 
himself  ready  to  forward  to  each  at  the  proper  time. 

REMARKS. 

It  may  be  here  remarked  that  no  member  of  this 
Club  is  looking  for  the  next  Presidency,  or  wants 
further  renown  than  what  a  good,  square  job  of 
whitewashing  will  bring  him  in.  The  Rev.  Pen 
stock  used  to  be  a  little  anxious  to  spread  himself 
over  more  or  less  territory,  but  of  late  he  has  seen 
the  error  of  his  ways  and  hardly  ever  interrupts  the 
meeting 


212  THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

AGRICULTURE. 

A  letter  signed  Jonas  Parker,  dated  at  Scottsville, 
O  ,  and  making  inquiries  concerning  the  present 
buckwheat  crop,  called  forth  the  following  report 
from  the  Committee  on  Agriculture: 

•'Dis  Committee  yesterday  visited  fo'  hardware 
stores  an'  a  butcher  shop  to  ax  'bout  dis  vary  buck 
wheat  crap,  an'  de  reports  in  each  case  war  to  de  ef- 
feck  dat  de  crap  am  on  de  hum.  All  de  prospecks 
pint  to  buckwheat  cakes  fur  breakfast  till  de  cook 
am  tired  in  de  elbows." 

RATHER  EMBARRASSING. 

A  Chicago  statistician,  of  curious  turn  of  mind 
made  inquiry  by  letter  as  to  the  exact  length  of  the 
shortest  pair  of  feet  in  the  Club.  As  the  Secretary 
read  the  letter,  sixty  four  pair  of  feet  were  suddenly 
drawn  under  chairs  and  benches.  The  sixty-fifth 
pair,  belonging  to  Elder  Toots,  were  too  large  to  be 
hauled  away  all  at  once,  and  they  therefore  stood 
out  like  Jay  Cooke's  kitchen  expenses. 

"  Dat  am  aleadin'  queshun,"  replied  Brother  Gard 
ner,  as  he  looked  around  the  Hall.  "  It  am  my  pri 
vate  opinyun  dat  de  length  of  a  man's  feet  do  not 
properly  come  under  de  head  of  public  staytisticks, 
an'  de  Seckretary  needn't  bodder  hisself  to  answer 
de  letter.  Among  de  home  industries  built  up  by 
de  organizashun  of  dis  Club  am  the  rapid  sale  of  No. 
14  butes  an'  brogans,  but  furder  dan  dis  I  hev  no 
partickulers." 

WASHINGTON'S  CAMP  CHAIR. 

SOME  friend  in  Milwaukee  had  forwarded  to  the 
Club  the  Camp-chair  used  by  Cren.  Washington  at 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  213 

Valley  Forge,  and  the  present  so  excited  the  Janitor 
that  in  building  a  fire  for  the  \v  eekly  meeting,  he 
put  his  hat  in  the  stove  under  the  kindlings  and 
tried  to  hang  a  bundle  of  shavings  on  the  hat-rack. 
The  Janitor  is  a  well  posted  man  on  American  his 
tory.  As  the  members  gathered,  he  put  the  chair 
on  the  Secretary's  desk  and  explained: 

"  It  seems  as  if  I  almost  knode  dis  chair,  kase  I've 
read  of  it  so  often.  Right  on  de  arm  heah  you  see 
de  syllables  '  G.  W.'  George  Washington  cut  'em 
dar  wid  his  own  hand.  He  wasn't  proud  an'  stuck 
up,  but  yet  lie  liked  to  rest  his  back  in  a  good  chair. 
Seated  in  dis  cha'r  in  front  of  his  tent  he  bossed  de 
offisurs  dis  way  an'  de  sojers  dat  way,  an'  not  a  kick 
from  de  mules  an'  hosses  'scaped  dat  vigilunt  eye. 
Dis  cha'r  went  inter  camp  wid  him,  fought,  bled  an' 
died  wid  him,  an'  den  was  taken  out  West  to  brace 
up.  It  am  a  free  gift  to  dis  Club,  an'  though  the 
b'ar  trap  an'  de  coffee  mill  an'  de  paintin's  an'  de  od 
der  relics  am  more  or  less  waluable,  dis  ole  man  am 
gwine  to  see  dis  cha'r  right  f  rew  de  campaign  or  die 
in  de  attempt." 


NO  SORE  HEEL  BELIEF. 

"  GEM'LEN,"  said  the  president,  as  he  picked  up  a 
bundle  of  letters  marked  "important,"  "  I  has  of 
ten  bin  axed  doorin'  de  past  y'ar  if  members  of  dis 
Club  who  am  laid  up  wid  a  sore  heel  am  'titled  to  de 
benefits  of  de  relief  fund.  I  has  neber  till  to-day 
bin  quite  satisfied  on  dis  pint,  but  now  I  am  about 
to  decide  it.  If  a  man  falls  sick,  dat's  sickness,  an' 
he  can't  help  it.  If  he  breaks  his  leg.  dat's  an  axi- 


214  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

dent  sent  by  Providence.  If  he  gits  hit  on  de  head 
by  an  icicle,  dat's  luck.  But  de  man  who  deliberate 
ly  sots  down  an'  lets  a  sore  heel  fasten  its  jaws  upon 
him  am  either  too  lazy  to  breathe  or  too  smart  to  be- 
longvto  dis  Club.  I  darfore  decide  right  heah  dat 
eny  an'  all  claims  for  sore  heel  relief  filed  wid  de 
Seckretary  will  be  used  to  kindle  de  fiah." 

MISSING   LINKS. 

Some  weeks  since  petitions  were  received  from 
Gen.  Scott  Boodles,  of  Alabama,  and  Elder  White- 
head,  of  Virginia,  and  the  committee  to  whom  they 
were  referred  were  not  ready  to  report  back  until 
this  meeting.  Their  work  had  been  very  thorough. 
They  had  ascertained  that  the  General  was  last  year 
locked  up  for  having  thirteen  dead  chickens  under 
the  bed,  and  the  Elder  was  known  to  have  three 
wives  and  strongly  suspected  of  hiding  two  more  in 
the  woods.  The  Committee  therefore  reported  ad 
versely  on  the  petitions,  and  the  same  were  ordered 
to  the  waste-basket. 

"  SUNDRIES." 

In  the  weekly  report  of  the  Treasurer  it  was  dis 
covered  that  he  had  fourteen  cents  charged  up  under 
the  head  of  "  sundries,"  and  when  he  had  finished 
his  reading  the  President  observed: 

"  While  I  am  free  to  say  dat  our  respected  Treas 
urer  injoys  my  full  confidence,  I  neberdemoar'  re 
gard  it  as  my  dooty  to  ax  him  to  'splain  dat  item  a 
leetle  clusser.  Nuffin  in  de  bizness  of  dis  Club  must 
be  kivered  up  wid  big  words." 

"  Why,  dem  fo'teen  cents  went  for  sundries,"  ex 
plained  the  official. 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUS.  216 

"Sartin — sartin;  but  does  dat  mean  railroad  ties 
Of  spring  overcoats?" 

"  I  paid  out  nine  cents  for  candles  an'  be  balance 
for  matches." 

"  Wery  well— dat's  perfeckly  plain  to  de  Club. 
After  dis  occashun,  to  save  axin'  queshuns,  de  brud- 
der  had  better  put  de  word  '  sundries '  in  de  wood- 
box  an'  specify  each  item.  Matches  an*  candles  am 
mighty  handy  to  hev  aroun'  de  Hall,  but  '  sundries ' 
haint  worf  storage  room." 

ON  DE  MULE. 

The  Secretary  announced  that  he  held  in  his  hand 
a  communication  from  Kentucky,  asking  the  Club 
if  mules  was  a  favorite  animal  in  this  neighborhood 
and  how  the  climate  seemed  to  affect  them.  The 
President  was  about  to  refer  the  matter  to  the  Com 
mittee  on  the  Future  of  our  Country,  when  Cinna 
mon  Johnson  rose  from  his  seat  and  desired  to  be 
heard.  Leave  being  granted,  he  said: 

"  I  was  bo'n  'longside  de  mewl.  I  knows  him 
from  his  nose  to  his  hind  hoof.  Ize  driv  him  an'  he 
has  driv  me.  De  mewl  in  de  Norf  am  not  a  success. 
De  climate  am  right  'nuff  an'  de  feed  am  good  'nuff, 
but  de  roads  an'  de  streets  am  so  narrow  up  heah  dat 
you  can't  git  a  good  swing  to  a  fence-rail  when  you 
want  to  hit  a  mewl." 

HE  JURY   SYSTEM. 

A  communication  signed  by  six  lawyers  of  Mobile 
desired  to  know  if  the  Club  had  ever  discussed  the 
jury  system,  and  if  so,  what  decision  had  been  ar 
rived  at.  Brother  Gardner  explained  that  the  ques 
tion  had  never  been  called  up,  so  far  as  he  could  re- 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

member,  and  he  sat  down  to  give  members  a  chance 
to  express  their  sentiments. 

The  Rev.  Penstock  was  of  the  opinion  that  a  man 
who  stole  a  dog  could  never  be  convicted  by  a  jury, 
and  he  believed  that  the  day  had  come  when  either 
juries  or  dogs  must  go  out  of  existence. 

Trustee  Fullback  rather  favored  the  jury  system. 
But  for  a  jury  of  six  good  men  he  would  once  have 
gone  to  jail  on  the  charge  of  'crooking' six  hens, 
because  a  few  heads,  legs  and  feathers  were  found 
in  his  back  yard. 

The  Hon.  Reason  Castaway  had  several  times 
been  on  the  jury,  and  it  was  his  opinion  that  if  they 
were  better  provided  with  watermelons,  grapes, 
pears,  small-beer  and  gingerbread,  they  would  ar 
rive  at  more  just  and  reasonable  verdicts. 

Waydown  Bebee  rather  favored  the  jury  system. 
He  was  once  in  court  on  charge  of  lugging  off  a 
wheelbarrow  belonging  to  another  man,  and  the 
judge  looked  so  kind  and  fatherly  that  Mr.  Bebee 
did  not  call  for  a  jury.  The  result  was  that  he  was 
not  only  convicted  of  taking  the  wheelbarrow,  but 
of  loading  it  with  potatoes  before  he  started. 

Several  other  individuals  expressed  their  opinions 
favorable  or  unfavorable,  and  the  President  wound 
up  the  discussion  by  saying: 

"  It  seems  to  be  de  gineral  sentiment  of  dis  Club 
dat  de  jury  system  am  all  right,  whar  it  finds  a  ver 
dict  in  favor  of  de  defendant." 

VOTED   DOWN. 

The  Rev.  Penstock  offered  a  resolution  to  the  ef 
fect  that  his  desk  be  furnished  with  a  twelve  shilling 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  217 

inkstand,  but  the  Club  voted  down  the  proposition 
almost  unanimously,  the  President  saying: 

"  Benjamin  Franklin  he  used  an  old  pepper-box 
fur  an  inkstand  nigh  onto  fo'teen  y'ars,  an'  I  doan' 
believe  dat  any  member  of  dis  Club  am  a  bigger 
man  dan  he  was." 

POETRY 

Waydown  Bebee  got  the  floor  and  stated  his  be 
lief  that  American  poets  were  languishing  for  the 
want  of  encouragement  and  support.  In  this  coun 
try,  he  remarked,  the  man  who  jumps  ten  feet  or 
swallows  a  sword  is  looked  upon  with  the  greatest 
admiration,  -while  the  man  who  composes  a  poem  or 
an  idyl  must  walk  in  the  middle  of  the  road  to  pre 
vent  people  barking  his  shins.  He  believed  that  po 
etry  softened  the  heart,  reformed  the  wicked  and 
cheered  the  weary,  and  he  truly  hoped  that  the 
Lime-Kiln  Club  would  take  a  step  in  advance  and 
hold  out  encouragement  to  those  poetically  inclined. 

Elder  Bacon  Jones  and  several  others  expressed 
favorable  opinions,  and  when  the  discussion  had 
ceased  Brother  Gardner  said: 

"  I  isn't  much  given  to  poetry  myself.  My  ole 
woman  sometimes  takes  a  piece  of  chalk  an'  dashes 
off  a  verse  or  two  on  de  wood-house  doah,  but  I  run 
mo'  to  biled  dinners  dan  to  poetry.  Howsumeber,  it 
may  be  well  to  encourage  de  poets,  an'  it  may  be 
well  for  dis  Club  to  walk  up  to  de  head  of  de  class 
in  sich  a  movement. 

DE  BALANCE  OF  TRADE. 

When  the  venerable  pate  of  the  President  ap 
peared  at  the  head  of  the  stairs  Waydown  Bebee 


218  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUE. 

^ 

and  the  Hon.  Pope  Harrison  were  engaged  in  an  ani 
mated  discussion  on  the  subject  of  the  balance  of 
trade,  Samuel  Shin  was  looking  at  the  stove-pipe  to 
see  what  effect  his  falling  over  the  stove  had  had 
upon  it,  and  Trustee  Fullback  was  slyly  perusing  a 
circular  sent  him  from  the  east  with  an  offer  to  fur 
nish  him  with  counterfeit  money  for  fifteen  cents  on 
the  dollar.  There  was  a  general  scattering  for  seats, 
and  during  the  confusion  Elder  Toots,  who  had  al 
most  fallen  asleep  on  a  stool,  was  upset  and  stepped 
on  and  mashed  so  flat  that  the  buttons  on  his  vest 
were  found  to  be  nine  inches  out  of  plumb. 

"  Doorin'  de  last  few  days  I  hez  often  been  axed 
to  'splain  what  de  balance  of  trade  was,"  remarked 
Brother  Gardner  as  the  notes  of  the  triangle  died 
away.  "  A-cordin'  to  Waydown  Bebee  it  means  de 
cash  dis  kentry  takes  in  fur  de  mules  it  ships  abroad. 
A-cordin  to  de  Hon.  Pope  Harrison,  it  means  de 
board  bills  left  behind  in  Washington  by  members 
of  Congress  when  dat  body  a-jurns.  Boaf  of  dese 
extinguished  gem'len  am  barkin'  up  de  wrong  tree. 
De  balance  of  trade,  my  frens,  hez  nuffin  to  do  wid 
buyin' codfish  at  seven  cents  a  pound,  or  stove  black- 
in'  at  ten  cents  a  bundle.  It  hez  nuffiii  to  do  wid  de 
water  melyon  sezun  nor  de  persimmon  crop.  If  I 
sell  Judge  Cokernut  Jackson  more  taters  dan  he  sells 
me,  den  de  balance  of  trade  am  in  my  favor — pur- 
vidin'  I  eber  git  my  pay.  No  member  of  dis  Club 
hez  any  call  to  git  excited  ober  de  balance  of  trade 
queshun.  It  won't  keep  us  in  meat  an'  taters,  an'  it 
won't  pay  de  preacher.  Our  bizness  am  to  keep 
gwine  right  ahead  wid  de  purfeshun  of  putin'  on 
whitewash  an'  shinin'  up  stoves,  an'  de  more  we 
'tend  to  our  work  de  less  danger  we  run  of  gittin' 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  219 

dizzy-headed  ober  de  queslmns  which  floor  de  smart 
est  white  men  straight  from  de  shoulder." 


BANKS  AND  WOOD  PILES. 

THE  Committee  on  Banks  and  Banking,  who  have 
been  very  quiet  for  several  months  past,  announced 
to  the  great  surprise  of  the  Club  that  they  had  a  re 
port  ready.  Being  told  to  proceed,  Windfall  Coop 
er,  the  Chairman,  submitted  a  well-written  report, 
advocating  the  organization  of  one  or  more  night 
banks  in  every  town  and  city.  All  day  banks  now 
close  at  4  p.  M.,  and  after  that  hour  no  business  can 
be  transacted  with  them.  The  Committee  held  that 
there  should  be  other  banks  to  open  their  doors  from 
that  hour  until  9  o'clock  A.  M.,  and  cited  several  in 
stances  where  strangers  had  been  obliged  to  travel 
around  for  half  an  hour  to  get  small  change  for  a 
quarter  in  order  to  pay  a  boot-black.  One  might 
have  ever  so  good  an  opportunity  to  buy  or  sell  a 
dog  after  banking  hours,  but  no  check  could  be 
cashed.  The  Club  voted  to  adopt  the  report,  and  af 
ter  some  discussion  it  was  resolved  that  the  organi 
zation  use  its  influence  to  bring  about  a  new  state 
of  banking  affairs. 

A  RECESS. 

A  recess  was  here  taken  to  permit  the  President 
to  go  down  stairs  and  meet  a  man  who  wanted  to 
borrow  $5  and  leave  a  wheelbarrow  as  security,  and 
the  Glee  Club  improved  the  time  by  singing  and 
playing  a  new  melody  by  Samuel  Shin,  entitled: 
"  De  Crops."  The  first  verse  is  as  follows: 


230  THE  LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

"  De  summer's  gwine  fast  away, 

De  fall  am  almost  heah ; 
De  crops  am  jist  a  whoopin'  up, 
Each  darkey's  heart  to  cheer. 
Sing  hey, darkeys — 

'Taters  mighty  big; 
Squashes  lyin'  all  around, 
An'  turnips  dance  a  jig." 

SPECIAL  REPORT. 

The  Special  Committee  of  three,  to  whom  was  re 
ferred  the  question  as  to  whether  a  member  of  the 
Club  could  conscientiously  live  all  winter  next  door 
to  a  school  house  with  a  big  wood-pile  attached,  an 
nounced  that  they  were  ready  to  report. 

"We  hez  looked  at  dis  queshun  from  all  de  pints 
of  de  compass,"  began  the  Chairman  as  he  got  his 
balance.  "  On  dis  side  of  de  fence  am  a  member  of 
dis  Club  an'  his  family.  On  de  odder  side  am  a  big 
wood-pile  an'  de  school  house  janitor.  Dat's  de  sit- 
uashun.  In  de  fust  place  de  member  didn't  put  dat 
wood-pile  dar'.  In  de  next  place  de  wood-pile  had 
nuffin  to  do  wid  his  movin'  in.  Dey  am  perfeck 
strangers  to  each  odder.  We  doan'  say  dat  de  jani 
tor  won't  miss  mo'  or  less  wood  dis  winter,  but  we 
hez  'nuff  confidence  in  our  brudder  to  believe  dat,  in 
de  fust  place,  he  will  buy  his  own  wood;  in  de  next 
place,  de  man  who  lives  'longside  of  a  big  wood-pile 
an'  steals  any  mo'  dan  he  kin  crowd  in  de  stove  to 
once  am  weak  in  de  top  story." 

The  report  was  placed  on  file,  and  the  President 
remarked  that  he  would  take  the  matter  under  con 
sideration  for  a  few  days  longer. 


THE  LIME-KILN    CLUB.  221 

NO  ALLIANCE. 

The  Secretary  of  the  "  Society  for  the*  mitigation 
of  the  Condition  of  the  Heathen  in  Africa,"  having 
its  headquarters  at  Canton,  O.,  forwarded  a  certified 
copy  of  the  following  resolution  passed  by  that  So 
ciety  at  a  late  meeting: 

"Resolved,  That  the  Lime-Kiln  Club  of  Detroit  be  requested  to 
hereafter  act  in  concert  with  this  society  in  its  future  great  work 
of  bettering  the  social  and  moral  condition  of  the  African 
heathen." 

The  Secretary  passed  the  resolution  over  to 
Brother  Gardner,  who  read  it  over  to  himself  and 
said: 

"  1  'spect  dar  be  hethuns  in  Africa,  an'  I  'spect  we 
orter  feel  much  obleeged  for  dis  invitashun  to  jine 
dat  society  in  its  great  work,  but  if  de  African 
Jiethun  waits  for  dis  yere  Club  to  whoop  up  de  nikc- 
els  to  lift  him  on  de  top  shelf  of  society,  he  won't 
git  dar  for  a  fousand  y'ars  to  come!  De  Seckretary 
may  write  back  dat  we  doaii'  'ciprocate  worf  a  cent 
on  de  African  bizness." 

A   LOAN   WANTED. 

The  Secretary  announced  a  letter  from  Julius 
Hannibal  Scott,  of  Morristown,  Tenn.,  asking  a  tem 
porary  loan  of  fifteen  cents,  and  promising  to  re 
fund  it  at  the  earliest  opportunity.  Samuel  Shin 
was  about  to  arise  and  offer  a  resolution  granting 
the  loan,  when  the  President  waved  him  down  and 
said: 

"  Dis  Club  makes  no  loans  of  less  dan  $15,000,  on 
account  of  de  trouble  of  makin'  out  de  papers  an' 
puttin'  letters  in  de  post-office.  J)e  request  of  Misser 


222  THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

Scott  will  darefore  be  classed  under  de  head  of  '  neg 
lected  communicashuns.'" 

ABOUT   ODES. 

The  Hon.  Binghampton  Jones  here  arose  to  a 
question  of  privilege.  He  said  that  he  was  daily 
pained  and  yet  forced  to  realize  the  fact  that  the 
colored  people  of  America  had  no  national  ode. 
The  white  man  had  the  "Star  Spangled  Banner," 
"  Pinafore,"  and  "The  Man  From  Pike"  to  select 
from  on  Fourths  of  July,  and  the  Presidential  ova 
tions,  but  the  colored  man  could  call  no  song  his 
own.  Re  had  given  the  subject  serious  considera 
tion,  and  he  hoped  that  the  Lime-Kiln  Club  would 
at  once  move  in  the  matter.  It  might  not  have  a 
poet  among  its  members  capable  of  producing  a 
great  national  colored  song,  but  it  could  influence 
other  poets  to  begin  work  and  rest  not  until  song  or 
ode  or  chant  or  anthem  was  finished. 

"It  may  be,"  began  the  President,  as  he  rose  up 
to  reply,  "  dat  de  cull'd  f olkses  of  dis  kentry  am 
forgettin'  who  dey  are,  but  I  reckon  not.  It  may  be 
dat  de  hull  race  am  ready  to  frow  overboard  all  de 
happy  songs  of  ole  slave  days  an'  take  up  wid  some 
new  fangled  music  dat  runs  up  to  de  high  C's,  but  I 
can't  believe  it.  Brudder  Jones  complains  dat  we 
have  no  ode.  Ask  Sir  Isaac  Walpole,  Waydown 
Bebee,  Judge  Tompkins  or  Elder  Toots  if  dey  eber 
heard  de  melody  of  "  Gwine  Back  Home  to  Die" 
floatin'  ober  de  ole  plantashun  at  sunset,  an'  ask 
dem  what  man  could  make  a  sweeter  song.  Fur 
fifty  long  y'ars  we  hev  bin  singin'  melodies  that  no 
other  race  of  people  kin  sing,  an'  now  we  are  axed 
to  frow  'em  aside  an'  begin  on  a  whoop  an'  eand  on 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  223 

a  growl.  We  can't  do  it,  an'  we  won't  do  it!  You 
may  pile  up  odes  as  high  as  dis  Hall  an'  yit  our  race 
will  turn  away  from  dem  an'  sing: 

'  Ize  growin'  ole  an'  weary  now, 
I  cannot  work  no  more — ' 

Sit  down,  Brudder  Jones,  an'  meanwhile  let  de 
triangle  sound  an'  de  meetin'  be  upsot  fur  one 
week.'1 


DE  OLE  MAN  MOSHER. 

"LAST  night,  jist  as  de  ole  woman  was  grindin' 
up  de  butcher-knife  to  cut  her  corns,  dar  cum  a 
knock  on  de  doah,"  began  the  old  man,  as  Paradise 
Hall  grew  quiet.  "It  war  de  ole  man  Mosher,  an' 
I  could  see  right  away  dat  he  didn't  feel  in  whoop- 
in'  speerits.  I  reckon  you  all  knows  de  ole  man,  an' 
you  knows  he  am  hard-workin'  an'  honest.  Well, 
he,  was  ober  dar  to  see  about  his  son  Hunyadus.  Dat 
Hunyadus  am  a  powerful  bad  boy  an'  I  knows  it, 
an'  de  ole  man  he  sot  down  an'  tole  me  dat  de  day 
had  arrove  when  he  could  no  longer  control  de  boy. 
Yes,  he  sot  dar  on  de  edge  of  de  wood-box  an'  cried 
like  a  chile  cause  dat  Hunyadus  had  cum  home  an' 
cussed  around,  an'  axed  for  money,  an'  declared  he'd 
bust  de  hull  family  or  hev  it.  I  axed  him  how  ole 
de  boy  was,  an'  he  wiped  his  nose  an'  said  sixteen. 
I  axed  him  how  much  de  boy  weighed,  an'  he  looked 
up  at  de  ceilin  an'  said  about  a  hundred  and  twenty. 
Den  I  pushed  de  tea-kettle  furder  back  on  de  stove 
an'  I  went  fur  de  ole  man  like  a  steamboat  'sploshun. 
De  ideah  of  a  boy  like  dat  runnin'  de  house  made  me 


224  THE   LIME-KILN    CLUB. 

mad  all  de  way  up  an'  down,  an'  I  tole  Mosher  if  he 
didn't  go  home  an'  flop  dat  Himyadus  outer  his  butes 
an'  den  mop  him  around  till  he  cried  quits,  dat  he 
must  nebber  darken  my  gate  agin.  He  got  up  an 
he  went,  an'  I  was  clus  behind  him.  Dat  boy  was 
still  in  de  house,  blufh'n  de  ole  woman  around  an' 
kickin'  de  dog  under  de  stove,  an'  de  opportunity 
was  all  dat  could  be  axed  fur.  De  ole  man  bounced 
in,  walt/ed  up  to  de  wayward  chile,  and  de  way  he 
made  de  fur  fly  tickled  me  all  ober.  When  I  left  de 
winder  Hunyadus  was  wipin'  de  tears  away  wid  one 
hand  an'  eatin'  cold  pancakes  wid  de  odder,  an  de 
ole  man  had  sich  a  smile  as  I  hevn't  seen  on  his  face 
for  ober  seben  years." 

After  the  applause  had  subsided  the  President  con 
tinued  : 

"Treat  your  boys  kindly  an' like  a  good  fadder 
should,  but  when  a  son  gets'de  big  head  an'  emagines 
dat  he  kin  run  de  caboose  widout  help  from  de  ole 
folks,  an'  dat  he  am  master  of  his  days  an'  nights, 
sot  right  down  on  him  like  a  bag  of  sand  fallin'  from 
de  roof-top!  Let  him  know  who  owns  de  cabin  an' 
who  brings  in  de  purvishuns;  an'  hang,  onto  his  wool 
long  'nuff  to  convince  him  dat  you  am  not  too  old  to 
know  what  sort  of  store-clothes  look  de  best  on  a 
poor  man's  son." 


THE  ONLY  RELIABLE. 

THE  Committee  on  the  Judiciary,  who  had  been 
asked  to  investigate  and  report  as  to  the  best  trade 
for  colored  boys  to  pursue,  submitted  the  following: 

"De  Committee  am  devided  on  dis  subjeck.  De 
barber  trade  am  looked  upon  wid  affeckshun  by 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  225 

some  an'  wid  distrust  by  odders.  DC  waiter  trade 
jist  suits  part  of  de  Committee  an'  repels  de  balance. 
Driving  a  coal  cart  am  recommended  by  some  and 
rejected  by  de  rest.  De  majority  of  dis  Committee 
am,  however,  of  de  opinyun  dat,  while  de  waiter 
bizness  an'  de  barber  trade  may  make  de  moas 
money  in  a  rush,  dar's  no  weapon  like  de  whitewash 
brush  fur  standing  right  by  you  all  de  y'ar  round. 
It  doan'  eat  anyfing,  it  doan'  take  up  any  room,  an' 
it  am  always  on  hand  when  you  want  it.  White- 
washin'  was  interdooced  in  dis  kentry  in  de  y'ar  1493, 
an'  it  hez  been  growing  fonder  in  de  affeck shuns  of 
de  public  eber  since.  It  improves  de  ceilins.  whitens 
de  walls,  an'  makes  old  fences  look  like  new.  Ebery 
respectable  family  shouldn't  be  widout  it.  Taking 
all  rings  into  considerashun,  de  biggest  part  of  dis 
Committee  am  darfore  of  de  opinyun  dat  de  white 
wash  trade  am  de  moas  reliabul  one  open  to  de  col 
ored  youfs  of  de  land." 

The  Rev.  Penstock  took  exceptions  to  the  report. 
He  said  that  every  colored  boy  in  the  land  could  be 
made  a  preacher  of  just  as  well  as  not,  and  those 
who  didn't  take  to  preaching  would  naturally  turn 
to  astronomy,  philosophy  and  other  scientific  pur 
suits. 

Elder  Toots,  Trustee  Fullback,  Windfall  Cooper 
and  others  supported  the  majority  report,  and  it  was 
finally  adopted  as  the  sentiments  of  the  Club. 

A    MISSING    LINK. 

It  was  announced  at  the  last  meeting  that  Col. 
John  Pinchbar,  of  Missouri,  would  probably  deliver 
a  speech  before  this  meeting,  but  he  failed  to  come 
to  time.  He,  however,  forwarded  his  speech  in. 


226  THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

writing,  which  Brother  Gardner  looked  over  and  re 
marked: 

"  Dis  speech  seems  to  be  on  de  subjeck  of  rag  car 
pet.  De  Kernel  takes  de  ground  dat  rag  carpets  am 
fadin  away  befo'  de  busy  march  of  progress,  an'  it 
am  my  opinyun  dat  de  Kernel  had  better  fade  too. 
De  rest  of  de  speech  will  be  laid  on  de  shelf." 

GIFTS  FROM  THE  WEST. 

The  Secretary  apoligized  for  disturbing  the  routine 
of  the  meeting,  and  stated  that  he  was  in  receipt  of 
a  fine  crayon  likeness  of  Abraham  Lincoln,  not  yet 
unboxed,  accompanied  by  some  very  appropriate 
poetry,  botli  the  gift  of  "Kit,"  of  Wyoming.  The 
poetry  was  at  once  read  to  the  Club: 

THE  OLD  PAKKEY'S  HOPE. 

[Respectfully  Dedicated  to  "  Brudder  Gardner.''] 
Dese  eyes  is  get  tin'  old  an'  dim,  dis  wool's  jes'  like  de  snow, 

Au'dese  poo'  ole  legs  kin  sca'eely  move  along, 
Bel'oh  anoder  wintah  comes  de  ole  man's  gwine  to  go, 

Whar  de  angels  sing  de  halleluyah  song. 
De  joy  dat  rises  in  dis  breast  am  hid  from  mortal  view, 

It's  a  feeliri'  white  folks  cannot  understan', 
Foh  when  I  gits  to  Heaben's  gate,  an'  Peter  lets  me  froo, 

I  kin  take  ole  Massa  Linkum  by  de  han' 

Fo'  many  long  an'  dreary  yea's  before  de  sogers  come, 

I  toiled  beneaf  de  sun  in  Tenessee, 
Oh,  how  us  darkeys  shouted  when  we  heard  de  beatin'  drum, 

'Kase  we  knowed  fur  suah  we'se  gwine  to  be  free, 
An'  \vhen  de  proclamation  come  we  all  got  down  to  pray, 

An'  axed  de  Lo'd  to  bless  dat  holy  man. 
An'  I  knows  dat  when  I  finds  him  in  dat  Heaben  so  fa'  away, 

He'll  let  rle  ole  man  take  him  by  de  han'. 

While  wand'rin'  froo  dis  weary  world  Ize  of'en,  of'en  found. 
My  cup  of  sorrer  filled  clear  to  de  brim 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  22? 

An'  Ize  of  en  wished  I  war  at  rest  down  in  de  col',  col'  ground, 

Fo'  I  nebber  feared  dat  King  of  Terrors  grim. 
But  soon  de  veil  will  roll  away  from  off  his  dreary  spot, 

An'  I'll  see  de  beauties  ob  de  promised  laii", 
An'  I  know  dat  all  de  pains  of  earth  will  be  done  gone  fo'got 

When  I  feels  de  clasp  ob  Massa  Linkum's  han'. 

Den  soun'  yo'  trumpet,  Gabriel,  an'  call  de  ole  man  home, 

Fo'  Ize  tired  a  libin'  in  dis  world  ob  pain. 
I  wants  to  git  to  Heaben,  whar  no  mo'  in  grief"  I'll  roam, 

An'  nebber  suffeh  pain  an'  woe  again. 
An'  when  I  gets  inside  de  gate  Ize  gwine  right  out  to  hunt 

All  ober  glory's  bright  an'  happy  Ian', 
An'  when  I  sees  dat  good  ole  man  I'll  march  right  up  in  front 

An'  take  ole  Massa  Linkum  by  de  hun.' 

COMMUNICATIONS. 

Under  this  head  the  Secretary  read  a  letter  from 
Doctor  William  Henry  Johnsing,  of  Hornellsville, 
N.  Y.,  asking  the  Club  to  accept  a  painting  repre 
senting  several  chickens  in  the  roost.  The  Rev.  Pen 
stock  at  once  arose  to  a  question  of  privilege.  He 
thought  the  offer  was  a  direct  insult  to  the  Club,  and 
he  hoped  it  would  not  be  accepted. 

"  Brudder  Penstock,  I  doan'  see  de  insult,"  replied 
the  President.  "  Dis  am  only  a  painting,  an'  you 
couldn't  take  dem  chickens  off  de  roost  if  you  should 
try  all  night." 

Mr.  Penstock  sat  down  amid  a  general  laugh,  and 
the  Club  voted  to  accept  the  painting. 

ACCEPTED. 

The  Club  by  a  unanimous  vote  decided  to  accept 
the  offer  of  Louis  C.  Briggs,  of  Charlotte,  Mich.,  to 
deliver  before  it  some  time  during  February  a  lec 
ture  entitled;  "How  I  Got  Left  in  Lansing."  Mr, 


228  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

Briggs  was  a  candidate  for  the  position  of  boss  of 
the  cloak-room  during  the  present  session  of  the 
Legislature,  and  while  he  didn't  miss  the  train  and 
have  to  wait  over  he  was  "  left"  all  the  same.  It  is 
understood  that  his  lecture  will  explain  how  thirteen 
State  Senators  pooled  their  influence  against  him 
and  supported  a  colored  man  who  went  out  there 
from  Jackson  with  a  new  brand  of  stomach  bitters 
and  a  pocket  full  of  cigars. 

REPORTS. 

The  Committee  on  the  Judiciary  reported  that  the 
following  petitions  had  been  drawn  up,  numerously 
signed,  and  forwarded  to  the  Legislature: 

1.  Petition  for  a  law  to  permit  the  killing  of  brush 
boys  attached  to  barber  shops,  and  to  make  it  a  penal 
offense  for  any  barber  to  ask  a  man  to  have  his  hair 
cut  from  December  1  to  April  1. 

2.  Petition  for  a  State  Observatory  for  the  use  of 
colored  people;  also,  that  at  least  one-half  of  the 
Lighthouses  around  the  Michigan  coast  be  named  in 
honor  of  Colored  Generals  who  fell  during  the  late 
war. 

3.  Petition  for  a  law  to  permit  colored  people  equal 
facilities  for  securing  front  seats  at  the  Fourth  of 
July  fireworks,  and  for  the  better  protection  of  dogs 
belonging  to  colored  men. 

The  Rev.  Penstock  was  selected  as  a  representa 
tive  of  the  Club  to  proceed  to  the  Capitol  and  urge 
upon  the  body  the  importance  of  these  contemplated 
acts,  and  the  meeting  then  adjourned. 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  229 

SIGNED    "X." 

"GEM'LEN,  an  onpleasant  dooty  am  forced  upon 
me  by  de  pressure  of  circumstances,"  began  Brother 
Gardner  as  the  Hall  grew  quiet.  "  De  odder  evenin' 
as  I  war  reclinin'  on  de  kitchen  lounge,  a  rap  was 
heard  at  de  doah,  an'  de  follerin'  note  was  put  in  my 
hands: 

'"BROTHER  GARDNER. — If  you  will  follow  the  bearer  of  this, 
you  will  discover  a  number  of  this  Club  engaged  in  a  very  disre 
putable  business.'  'X.' 

"  I  followed  de  boy.  In  a  barn  in  an  alley  off 
Hastings  street  de  diskivery  was  made.  A  member 
of  dis  Club  was  dar,  engaged  in  puttin'  up  a  dog 
fight,  an'  about  forty  specktators  were  on  hand  to 
see  de  fun.  I  looked  frew  de  cracks  an'  seen  de 
hull  performance.  De  dog  owned  by  de  Lime-Kiln 
man  licked  de  odder  canine  in  about  ten  minits,  an' 
five  dollars  changed  hands.  But  de  blush  of  pride 
didn't  come  to  my  cheek  on  dat  account.  If  dar  ever 
war  a  time  when  I  liked  to  see  a  dog  fight  it  war 
way  back  in  de  forties.  It  am  a  cruel,  bad  bizness, 
too  low  for  decent  men  to  encourage  or  engaige  in, 
an'  it  am  now  my  painful  dooty  to  ax  Brudder 
Philbrick  Gladstone  to  stand  up  an'  let  himself  be 
seen." 

HE  STOOD. 

The  member  mentioned  slowly  arose.  The  pro 
ceedings  were  a  perfect  thunder-clap  to  him.  As  he 
reached  his  feet  and  found  sixty  or  seventy  pair  of 
eyes  turned  upon  him,  he  would  have  resumed  his 
bench  if  the  thoughtful  Jan.  Harrison  hadn't  been 
behind  him  with  a  darning-needle. 


230  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

"I — Ize  heah,  sah!"  he  gasped,  as  he  turned  to 
the  platform. 

"De  Brudder  will  step  seben  or  eight  paces  dis 
way,"  said  the  President. 

He  walked  slowly  forward,  his  knees  playing  a 
tune  and  his  color  fading  to  the  complexion  of 
French  wall-paper,  and  when  he  was  in  position  the 
President  arose  and  said: 

"Brudder  Philbrick  Gladstone,  you  hez  heard  de 
charges.  Am  you  guilty  or  innocent?" 

"  I  war  dar,  an'  I  owned  de  winnin'  dorg,"  was  the 
reply. 

"  Well,  de  sentence  am  dat  you  hand  ober  de  five 
dollars  to  de  library  fund  of  dis  Club,  an'  dat  you 
sign  a  pledge  neber  to  engage  in  such  low  bizness 
agin.  In  case  you  refuse  to  hand  over  an'  sign,  your 
name  will  be  crossed  from  de  roll,  an'  dis  hall  won't 
see  you  any  more." 

The  Brother  handed  over  the  cash  without  hesita 
tion,  signed  a  written  pledge,  and  as  he  returned  to 
his  seat  he  had  to  unbutton  his  vest  to  give  play  to 
his  heartfelt  emotions.  He  will  doubtless  be  found 
in  the  front  rank  of  philanthropists  and  humanitar 
ians  after  this. 

FROM  THE  PEOPLE. 

A  petition  signed  by  forty-eight  colored  people  of 
Texas  was  presented  to  the  Club,  in  hopes  that  it 
might  use  its  influence  with  the  Agricultural  Bureau 
at  Washington  for  the  introduction  of  a  species  of 
string-beans  which  would  curl  to  the  left  when 
climbing  a  pole.  All  beans  now  climb  to  the  right, 
notwithstanding  one  man  out  of  every  seven  is  left- 
handed.  It  is  hoped  that  the  Commissioners  will 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  231 

give  this  subject  immediate  thought  and  investiga 
tion.  The  petitioners  would  further  request  him  to 
introduce  a  different  style  of  cucumber.  One  in  the 
shape  of  an  apple,  with  a  third  rind  and  some  sort 
of  handle  to,  would  soon  drive  the  common  vegeta 
ble  out  of  market. 

"WELL,  HARDLY ." 


A  letter  from  Selma,  Ala.,  written  "in  haist," 
made  inquiry  if  it  was  considered  unlady-like  in  a 
Northern  colored  woman  to  go  barefooted  in  sum 
mer.  The  Rev.  Penstock  at  once  arose  and  said 
that  no  true  lady,  no  matter  what  the  color,  would 
ever  appear  in  society  without  shoes  and  stockings 
on,  even  if  in  a  hurry  to  catch  the  last  hack  at  a 
funeral. 

Sir  Isaac  Walpole  said  that  going  barefooted 
saved  a  heap  of  shoe-leather,  and  so  far  as  he  was 
concerned,  he  thought  none  the  less  of  a  lady  for  it, 
providing  she  hid  her  feet  under  the  bed  or  behind 
the  wood-box  when  strangers  called. 

General  Flatbush  said  his  wife  had  gone  barefoot 
ed  every  summer  for  twenty  years  past,  and  he 
couldn't  see  but  that  her  standing  in  society  was  as 
good  as  ever.  It  gave  the  feet  a  chance  to  spread 
out  and  cool  off,  and  he  didn't  know  but  that  it  im 
proved  a  lady's  gait.  Without  giving  the  subject 
at  least  three  weeks'  steady  thought,  he  wouldn't 
like  to  venture  an  opinion  which  might  kick  the 
shoes  off  of  a  half  a  million  colored  ladies  in  one  hot 
day.  The  question  was  therefore  laid  on  the  table 
for  future  discussion. 


232  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

THE  LIBRARY. 

The  Librarian  reported  the  receipt  of  ninety -six 
additional  almanacs,  and  a  work  on  the  logwood  in 
dustry  of  Brazil.  He  suggested  that  a  raise  of  sal 
ary  for  the  coming  year  would  ho  very  acceptable, 
as  his  work  had  increased  more  than  one-half,  and 
this  suggestion  gave  rise  to  a  sharp  debate.  After 
the  storm  had  passed  over,  Waydown  Bebee  offered 
the  following  resolution: 

"Resolved,  Dat  when  de  laborious  labors  of  any  posishun  in  dis 
Club  git  to  be  more'n  de  officer  kin  walk  off  wid,  lie  should  resign 
de  same  an'  make  a  trip  to  de  sea-shore  for  his  health.'' 

The  resolution  was  adopted,  and  the  Librarian  sat 
down  and  unbuttoned  his  vest  and  had  nothing 
jnore  to  say. 

ANOTHER  INVESTIGATION. 

Col.  Amandus  Johnson  wanted  information.  He 
said  that  the  price  of  New  Orleans  molasses  had  re 
mained  at  exhorbitant  figures  for  seven  years  past, 
although  dry-goods,  groceries  and  wages  had  been 
going  down  to  hard  pan,  and  he  now  wanted  satis 
faction  as  to  why  this  thing  was  thus.  Kerosene, 
whale  oil,  castor  oil  and  vinegar  were  way  down, 
and  yet  New  Orleans  molasses  was  up.  It  was  a 
question  which  directly  interested  all  colored  folks, 
and  he  hoped  the  Club  would  take  steps  to  solve  the 
mystery.  The  President,  after  some  further  discus 
sion,  appointed  a  Special  Committee  to  investigate 
and  report,  and  the  meeting  adjourned. 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  233 

LET  'EM  DIVORCE. 

"  I  HOLD  heah  in  my  hand,"  began  Brother  Gard 
ner,  as  he  waved  the  missive  aloft,  "  a  letter  from  a 
cull'd  clergyman  in  Tennessee,  axin'  dis  Club  to  use 
its  inflooence  to  secure  more  stringent  divorce  laws 
in  de  varus  States,  an' to  sot  its  face  agin  do  procure 
ment  of  divorce,  except  fur  de  very  gravest  reasons. 
Dis  Club  will  do  nuffin  of  de  kind.  On  de  contrary, 
it  will  wote  solid  to  furnish  all  facilities  fur  parties 
desirous  to  be  onhitched  wid  promptness  an'  dispatch. 
Nuffin  comes  nearer  perdishun  dan  an  unmated  an' 
unmatched  couple  tryin'  to  lib  togeder  as  man  an' 
wife.  I  hold  dat  no  couple  who  doan'  lub  each  oder 
— who  don't  agree  an'  can't  forgive — who  won't  ex 
cuse — should  lib  togeder  ten  minits.  If  we  git  a 
house  we  doan'  like  we  sel  it.  If  we  git  a  hoss  we 
doan'  like  we  trade  him  off.  If  we  doan'  like  de 
nayburhood  we  move  away.  If  we  doan'  like  our 
nayburs  we  let  'em  alone.  How,  den,  kin  you  spect 
husband  an'  wives  to  put  up  wid  ugliness,  meanness 
drunkenness,  profanity,  extravagance  an'  all  dat  am 
hateful  in  de  human  heart. 

11  Let  'em  divorce.  God  intended  husband  and 
wife  to  lub,  cherish,  forgive  an'  be  all  in  all  to  each 
odder.  Whar  dey  can't  be  sich  it  am  a  thousand 
times  better  dat  dey  be  devorced.  No  man  or 
woman  who  had  lub  in  deir  heart  eber  yit  applied 
for  one  or  eber  will.  If  a  divorce  could  be  had  by 
simply  payin'  a  fee  of  fifty  cents  no  husband  mated 
wid  his  wife  would  think  of  separashun  any  more 
dan  he  does  now.  People  cheat  an'  deceive  when 
courtin'.  Married  life  brings  out  de  faults  which  dey 
hid.  It  has  allus  bin  so,  an'  will  be  so  to  de  eand, 


234  tftE   LlME-KILN  CLUB. 

an'  when  husbands  and  wives  quarrel  an'  hate,  a  law 
to  make  'em  continue  to  lib  togeder  am  unjust  an' 
wicked.  Let  us  now  attack  de  regular  order  of  biz- 
ness. 


SOMETHING  WAS  UP. 

SOMETHING  was  up.  Just  what  it  was  no  one  knew 
but  Brother  Gardner's  countenance  wore  an  unus 
ually  severe  expression,  and  Sir  Isaac  Walpole  was 
observed  to  have  on  a  clean  shirt,  while  Elder  Toots, 
for  the  second  time  in  his  life,  had  stove-blacked  his 
broad  brogans  and  had  his  vest  buttoned  all  the  way 
up. 

"  Gem'len,  I  shell  now  have  de  unjellified  pleasure 
to  introduce  to  you  one  of  de  moas  cornspicus  black 
men  in  dis  kentry,"  remarked  the  President  as  his 
eagle  eye  wandered  down  the  shady  aisle.  "  De 
Committee  on  de  Judishury  will  now  act." 

The  committee  acted.  Led  by  the  Hon.  James 
Fullback,  they  disappeared  in  the  direction  of  the 
ante-room,  to  reappear  after  a  moment  escorting  a 
distinguished  stranger  of  middle  age. 

JUDGE  K.  C.  B.  DAVIS. 

"  Gem'len,  I  hev  de  honor  to  present  to  de  Lime- 
Kiln  Club  my  ole  friend  an'  companyun,  Judge 
Davis,  at  present  of  de  State  of  Georgia,"  said  the 
President,  as  the  stranger  reached  the  platform. 

The  reception  given  the  Judge  was  fully  equal  to 
the  enthusiasm  of  farmers  o^er  the  late  rains,  and 
those  hit  with  chunks  of  falling  plaster  preserved 
their  goodnature  in  a  wonderful  degree. 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  235 

A  SPEECH. 

The  Judge  explained  that  he  was  on  his  way  to 
Lake  Superior  to  see  his  aged  father,  and  he  had 
halted  here  for  a  couple  of  days  to  make  the  per 
sonal  acquaintance  of  every  local  member  of  the 
Club,  and  to  petition  it  for  membership.  He  had 
noticed  the  high  stand  taken  by  the  Club  in  mat 
ters  affecting  science  and  art,  and  he  was  greatly 
pleased. 

"  Science,"  added  the  Judge,  as  he  stepped  on  Way- 
down  Bebee's  corns,  "  am  above  us,  below  us,  an'  all 
around  us,  an  yit  de  great  majority  of  men  doan' 
seem  to  realize  de  fack.  What  builds  de  flah  in  de 
stove,  'cept  science?  What  biles  de  tators  in  de  ket 
tle  'cept  science?  What  furnishes  our  clothes,  our 
homes,  an'  eben  our  graves,  'cept  science?  Gaze  on 
de  sun.  But  for  science  who'd  know  whether  dat 
shiny  orb  war  ober  in  Kennedy  or  90,000,000  miles  in 
de  sky  on  a  bee  line?  Gaze  on  de  moon.  'But  fur 
science,  who  among  us  would  know  its  infiooence 
on  de  water-melon  crop?  Look  at  de  stars.  Before 
de  advent  of  science  who  could  tell  Venus  from 
Aunt  Betsy,  de  Norf  star  from  de  big  dipper,  or  de 
dog  stars  from  de  cat  stars?  Science  made  de  steam 
engine,  de  kivered  cars,  de  wheelbarrow,  de"  white 
wash  brush,  an'  de  several  odder  articles  which  hev 
made  dis  nashun  what  it  am  to-day.  Science  frows 
bridges  across  great  rivers;  it  brings  up  water  from 
de  deep  well;  it  puts  out  fires;  it  gives  us  de  flne- 
cornb;  it  makes  de  plug  hat  an' de  paper  collar;  it 
brings  us  de  glorus  Fo'th  of  July;  it  mixes  peas  an' 
beans  wid  our  coffee  so  dat  we  can't  tell  what  it 
tastes  de  moas  of,  an'  but  for  science  de  man  wid  de 
toofache  would  be  nowhar." 


23G  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUR. 

After  taking  a  very  lean  drink  of  water  and  ab 
sorbing  a  troche  to  offset  it  the  speaker  continued: 

"  We  will  now  turn  to  art.  We  see  art  in  ebery 
fing  around  us,  from  de  pictures  on  de  milk-carts  to 
a  pile  of  clam  shells  in  de  front  doah  yard,  an'  yet 
dere  am  souls  who  can't  respond.  I  know  men  who 
might  stand  fur  a  hull  hour  in  front  of  a  tea  store 
chromeo  representing  sunset  in  Wisconsin  or  sun 
rise  in  Noo  Jersey  an'  not  see  nuffm  to  expand  deir 
souls  an'  turn  deir  thoughts  into  better  channels. 
I've  seen  white  men  stand  before  a  bust  of  Csesar 
an'  find  fault  wid  de  squint  of  de  left  eye,  an'  I've 
seen  black  men  stand  befo'  a  fence  all  painted  off 
wid  red  an'  blue  an'  yaller,  an'  look  fur  nuffin  but 
nail  holes.  Take  science  away  from  us  an'  we 
wouldn't  know  why  we  grease  de  wheelbarrow. 
Take  art  away  from  us  an'  we  might  as  well  live  in 
canal  boats.  I  am  glad  to  see  de  intress  dis  Club 
takes  in  boaf  subjecks.  Your  reports  on  astronomy 
hev  reached  ebery  corner  in  de  land,  an'  your  pic- 
turs  an'  relics  in  dis  Hall  am  proof  dat  art,  left  in 
your  care,  will  grow  an'  flourish  till  no  maker  will 
dare  offer  a  broom  to  de  public  widout  de  handle  am 
painted  blue.  Wid  dese  few  suggestions  an'  aggre 
gations,  I  will  now  clothes." 

THE   SICK. 

The  Committee  on  the  Sick  reported  that  Jared 
Comstock,  a  local  member,  was  sick  abed  with  bil 
ious  fever,  and  his  heirs  had  applied  for  relief. 

"  I  war  spectin'  dis  report  to  come  up,"  remarked 
the  President  in  answer,  "an'  I  want  to  show  dis 
Club  a  few  articles  clusly  connected  wid  Messer 
Comstock's  case." 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  237 

He  thereupon  slowly  unrolled  his  handkerchief 
and  displayed  a  slice  of  a  large  Cucumber,  a  piece 
of  cocoanut,  a  piece  of  bologna  and  the  half  of  a 
hard-boiled  egg,  and  continued: 

Down  at  de  market  de  odder  day  I  got  my  eye  on 
Brudder  Comstock.  He  had  jist  bin  paid  lur  a  job, 
an'  lie  was  gwine  inter  luxuries  in  de  moas  extrava 
gant  manner.  Dese  pieces  war  left  on  his  plate  ar- 
ter  he  got  through  stuffin'.  I  saw  dat  man  devour 
fo'  eowcumbers,  most  a  hull  cokernut,  six  eggs  an' 
three  bologneys,  sayin'  nuffin'  of  apples  an'  radishes 
an'  a  big  hunk  o'  pie,  an'  now  he  has  de  cheek  to  ax 
dis  Club  to  aid  him  from  de  relief  fund! '; 

FINED. 

The  Rev.  Penstock  at  once  came  to  the  front  with 
a  resolution  to  suspend  the  Brother  from  the  Society 
for  the  period  of  six  months,  but  Waydown  Bebee 
moved  to  amend  to  fine  him  and  double  his  dues  for 
three  months.  The  amendment  being  accepted,  the 
resolution  passed,  and  the  President  placed  the  fine 
at  ten  dollars  and  costs. 

-VHITEWASH. 

The  Secretary  laid  before  the  meeting  a  communi 
cation  from  .the  Board  of  Health  of  Jersey  City, 
asking  what  sanitary  benefits  the  Club  had  noticed 
from  the  use  of  whitewash,  and  the  members  were 
invited  to  relate  their  experience. 

Sir  Isaac  Walpole  said  he  knew  of  a  case  where  a 
certain  family  were  always  having  the  mumps. 
One  coat  of  whitewash  on  the  kitchen  ceiling,  at  an 
expense  ot  only  forty  cents,  drove  the  disease  away 
and  made  the  family  one  of  the  healthiest  in  the 


238  THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

city.  The  cure  was  so  marked,  and  the  benefits  so 
apparent,  that  the  man  afterwards  hired  Mr.  Wai- 
pole  to  whitewash  the  parlor,  and  cheated  him  out 
of  his  pay. 

The  Hon.  Primrose  said  he  once  knew  a  family 
who  were  greatly  troubled  witli  headache  and  cold 
feet.  After  spending  fifty  dollars  for  patent  medi 
cines  they  hired  him  to  whitewash  a  bed-room,  and 
all  was  joy  arid  peace.  He  had  to  take  his  pay  in 
old  clothes  lines,  but  the  cure  was  there  just  the 
same 

Way  down  Bebee  stated  that  he  was  once  consul 
ted  by  a  family  troubled  with  the  ague.  He  advis 
ed  a  coat  of  whitewash  on  the  fence,  and  only  seven 
pickets  had  been  whitened  before  the  man  was  able 
to  get  up  and  walk  to  the  window  to  see  a  dog- fight, 
and  in  an  hour  the  wife  was  down  town  overhauling 
goods. 

The  Rev.  Penstock  knew  a  case  where  a  family 
cured  consumption  by  whitewashing  the  barn,  and 
of  another  where  a  citizen  had  his  chambers 
whitewashed  on  Saturday,  and  found  fifty  dollars  in 
cash  on  the  street  on  Monday. 

The  Secretary  was  instructed  to  answer  the  Board 
to  the  effect  that  every  barrel  of  lime  used  as  white 
wash  offsets  the  labors  of  at  least  three  doctors, 
and  that  no  respectable  family  should  be  without  it. 

N.  B. — The  prices  for  whitewashing  in  Detroit 
will  remain  the  same. 

THE   LIBRARY. 

The  Librarian  reported  that  he  had  during  the 
past  month  received  twenty-seven  almanacs,  five 
cook-books,  one  horse  book,  one  medical  book,  and 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  239 

1,000  tracts  on  "  How  to  Reach  Heaven."  The 
tracts  had  been  distributed  among  colored  families 
in  Detroit,  and  he  was  sorry  to  say  that  family  lights 
increased  by  one  half  within  a  week. 

THE   MUSEUM. 

Pickles  Smith,  who  has  charge  of  the  reception  of 
relics  and  the  care  of  the  museum,  reported  that 
some  fiend  had  entered  the  room  by  climbing  over 
the  roof  and  carried  away  one  of  the  two  skulls  of 
Oliver  Cromwell,  sent  to  the  Club  from  Boston.  He 
had  placed  the  case  in  the  hands  of  detectives,  but 
thus  far  no  clue  had  been  obtained  to  the  identity  of 
the  guilty  parties.  The  Secretary  was  instructed  to 
offer  a  reward  of  $5  for  the  return  of  the  relic,  and 
in  case  it  could  not  be  recovered,  to  procure  a  skull 
of  some  of  the  rest  of  the  Cromwell  family. 

The  Janitor  took  the  pail  and  dipper  and  passed 
from  man  to  man,  and  ''yums!"  and  '"ohs!"  of 
gratification  followed  in  his  footsteps.  When  every 
throat  had  been  cooled,  and  almo'st  every  hand  held 
a  slice  of  squeezed  lemon  for  future  benefits,  the 
President  again  arose  and  said: 

"  Dis  Lime-Kiln  Club  am  heah  assembled  to  honor, 
in  its  poo'  an'  simple  way,  de  memory  of  one  of  de 
greatest  men  de  world  has  eber  knowed.  De  great 
an'  good  George  Washington  has  long  bin  dead,  but 
his  name  kin  neber  die  w-hile  America  lives.  [Cheers  ] 
Kings  have  spoken  his  name  (Cheers);  queens  have 
written  it  (yells),  an'  it  has  ascended  to  Heaven 
along  wid  de  prayers  of  little  chiU'en.  [Cheers  and 
applause.]  To  be  sho'  he  was  a  white  man,  but 
when  he  saved  dis  kentry  he  saved  ebery  cull'd  pus- 
son  in  it  as  well  as  de  white  folks.  [Awful  applause.] 


240  THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

He  couldn't  help  bein'  a  white  man,  an'  he  would 
have  accomplished  110  less  had  he  bin  as  black  in  de 
face  as  Rhubarb  Spooner,  an'  had  feet  like  Harper 
Jackson."  [Continued  cheers,  during  which  the 
bear-trap  fell  down.] 

The  President  sat  down  in  an  exhausted  condi 
tion,  and  Sir  Isaac  Walpole  arose  and  said: 

"Let  me  grow  old — let  me  hev  chilblains  all  sum 
mer — let  me  sit  in  de  dark  an'  shiver  in  de  cold — let 
me  bury  my  ole  wife  an'  wander  frew  de  world  sor 
rowful  an'  alone— but  neber  let  me  forget  de  name  of 
Washington,  or  cease  to  remember  dat  if  he  had  bin 
any  han'  to  play  base  ball,  he'd  have  played  it  wid  a 
cull'd  man  as  quick  as  a  white  man."  [Cheers  and 
applause.  J 

MORE  SINGING. 

The  members  of  the  Glee  Club  could  not  sit  still 
under  the  excitement  of  the  hour,  and  upon  receiv 
ing  a  wink  of  encouragement  from  the  President, 
they  jumped  in  on  the  following: 

"  Blow  de  horn!     Beat  de  drum! 

H'ar  de  bugle  blowin'! " 
Fifty  million  Yankees  here, 

An'  still  de  kentry's  growin'! 

CHORUS. — Let  dat  can  awl  alone,  Misser  Lesseps. 

"  Soun'  de  bones!    Shake  de  hoofs! 

See  de  people  smiliu'; 
Everybody's  on  de  rush, 

An'  bizness  am  a'  bilin'. 

CHORUS. — Kase  if  you  don't  you'll  get  hurted." 
DIDN'T  PLAY  WITH  HIM. 

Pickles  Smith  got  the  floor  as  the  last  beautiful 
Strain  of  music  died  away,  and  said; 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  241 

"I  didn't  play  wid  George  Washington  when  we 
war  boys,  but  dat  wasn't  niy  fault.  If  he'd  cum'd 
ober  to  our  plantashun,  he'd  hev  foun'  me  to  hum. 
Neberdeless,  Ize  willin'  to  admit  his  greatness  an' 
goodness.  [Cheers.  J  My  grad'f adder  war  nanitd 
George  Washington  Smith.  [Cheers.]  My  f adder 
war  named  George  Washington  Smith.  [Cheers.  J 
My  oldest  brudder  am  named  George  Washington 
Smith.  [Cheers.  J  My  second  son  am  named  George 
Washington  Smith.  [Cheers.]  Ize  got  about  fo'teen 
uncles,  an'  cousins  an'  aunts  named  George  W'a'sh- 
ington  Smith.  [Cheers.]  It's  a  name  our  family 
feels  proud  of  an'  means  to  stick  by.  [Cheers.]  All 
honor  to  de  man  who  shouldered  his  plow  an'  went 
fo'th  to  mash  the  inimy!  "  [Furious  cheers  and  long 
continued  applause.] 

ELDER   TOOTS   REMEMBERS. 

Good  Elder  Toots  said  he  had  no  desire  to  occupy 
the  valuable  time  of  the  meeting  (Cheers),  but  he 
could  not  help  but  remember  of  once  having  driven 
a  mule  (Cheers),  past  Mount  Vernon,  the  sacred  spot 
where  lies  the  dust  of  Washington.  [Terrific  yells.] 
Hs  therefore  believed  that  he  keenly  realized  Wash 
ington's  greatness  and  goodness.  [Cheers.]  He 
did  not  know  how  others  felt,  but  as  for  him,  he 
wanted  liberty  or  death — and  another  dipper  of  lem 
onade. 

The  hint  was  acted  upon  at  once,  and  the  bever 
age  circulated  around  the  Hall,  and  the  Glee  Club 
walloped  the  following: 


24:2  THE   LIME-KILM    CLUB. 

"  THE  GREAT   G.    W." 

He  am  dead! 

A  chief  has  passed  away; 

His  race  am  run — 

His  life  am  dun, 

His  form  am  wid  de  clay. 

But  lives  his  name 

In  ebery  freeman's  heart; 

A  thousand  years 

Won't  dry  de  tears 

Dat  at  his  name  mus'  start 

A   DUTY   DONE. 

As  the  nsual  hour  for  adjourning  approached  the 
President  folded  his  arms  across  his  heaving  bosom 
and  said: 

"  I  believe  dat  dis  Lime-Kiln  Club  has  did  its  full 
duty  by  George  Washington,  Mrs.  Washington,  de 
American  flag,  dis  glorious  Republic,  an'  seberal  oder 
pussons  an'  fings,  an'  we  will  now  disband  an'  ap 
proach  our  homes.  Let  no  man  forgit  his  dooty  to 
his  kentry,  an'  yit  in  remembering  dat  dooty,  let  no 
member  forgit  dat  de  Lime-Kiln  Club  comes  fust  an' 
kentry  next,  an'  what  am  left  should  go  to  hiz  fam'- 
ly.  We  now  stand  disrupted." 


A  WORD  TO  CRANKS. 

dar  a  crank  present  in  de  Hall  to-night?" 
softly  asked  Brother  Gardner,  as  the  meeting  op 
ened. 

Not  a  voice  answered. 

"  Have  any  of  you  seen  a  crank  around  town  dis 
last  week?"  continued  the  President, 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  243 

Not  one  had,  or  at  least  no  one  admitted  it. 

"  Two  weeks  ago  de  kentry  was  full  of  'em.  You 
could  find  'em  on  de  street  kyar,  at  de  depot,  around 
de  hotels,  an'  eben  in  church.  All  of  a  sudden  you 
can't  scare  up  a  single  crank.  De  bizness  has  got 
to  be  unhealthy.  De  plea  of  insanity  doan'  go  down 
wid  de  jury  as  slick  as  it  did.  De  time  when  one 
man  kin  put  a  knife  into  anoder  an'  make  de  jury 
believe  he  was  bo'n  dat  way  an'  couldn't  help  it  has 
about  expired.  De  crank  must  go.  He  must  quit 
shootin',  stab  bin  an'  stealin'  an'  being  heard  of  in  de 
land.  When  de  crank  fust  brought  forward  de  ideah 
dat  de  Deity  was  behind  him  an'  urged  him  on  it 
was  sunthin  new  an'  novel,  but  dat  ideah  am 
played  out  wid  de  rest. 

"My  frens,  let  de  cantankerous  bizness  alone. 
Doan'  call  stealing  by  any  odder  name.  If  your 
hands  itch  fur  money  dat  belongs  to  some  one  else, 
take  it  an'  skip,  an'  when  de  law  overhauls  you  doan' 
sot  up  de  plea  dat  an'  angel  from  Heaven  urged  you 
on.  Legal  farces  hev  had  deir  day  in  dis  kentry. 
Insanity,  kleptomania,  sudden  emotion,  drunken 
ness  an'  loss  of  memory  will  be  poor  excuses  before 
fucher  juries." 

PETITIONS. 

Among  the  many  petitions  on  the  Secretary's  desk 
was  one  from  Prof.  Eben  Shin,  Past  Grand  Mogul  of 
the  B.  O.  K.  &  S.  H.  M.  Society,  of  Berkley,  Va. 
The  Professor  has  for  the  past  two  years  sought  by 
every  means  in  his  power  to  break  down  the  influ 
ence  of  the  Lime-Kiln  Club  in  the  South,  even  go 
ing  so  far  as  to  claim  that  Brother  Gardner  was  a 
robber,  Sir  Isaac  Walpole  an  escaped  convict  and 


244  THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

that  Waydown  Bebee  had  fled  from  justice  in  Ala 
bama.  When  Giveadam  Jones  went  to  Norfolk  to 
deliver  his  great  lecture  on  "  The  Nothingness  of 
Space,"  the  Professor  insulted  him  at  the  depot  in 
the  presence  of  over  3,000  citizens.  He  now  sees  the 
error  of  his  ways,  and  humbly  seeks  to  be  counted 
with  the  faithful. 

There  was  also  a  general  smile  of  satisfaction 
when  it  was  announced  that  January  Jones,  of  Sel- 
ma,  Ala.,  had  returned  to  his  dish  of  crow.  Three 
years  ago  Mr.  Jones  withdrew  from  the  Club  because 
it  refused  to  endorse  a  petition  of  his  asking  the 
government  to  provide  the  colored  people  of  this 
country  with  fish-line  and  coon  dogs.  He  started 
an  opposition  lodge  in  Alabama,  but  it  went  to  pieces 
in  three  weeks,  and  January  himself  got  into  Geor 
gia  only  an  hour  ahead  of  the  Sheriff.  He  has  lately 
returned  to  his  native  place,  settled  with  the  owner 
of  the  mule,  and  now  desires  to  be  restored  to  mem 
bership  in  the  Lime-Kiln  Club. 

THE  SICK. 

The  Chairman  of  the  Committee  on  Sick  reported 
that  Brother  Walk  About  Grandy  had  been  knocked 
down  on  the  street  by  a  hack  and  would  be  laid  up 
for  two  weeks.  The  Treasurer  was  ordered  to  for 
ward  him  relief  to  the  amount  of  $3  per  week,  and 
the  Committee  were  instructed  to  see  that  no  part 
of  it  was  used  to  purchase  ox-tail  soup  or  white  su 
gar. 

The  Committee  further  reported  that  Brother 
Greenbrier  Claxton  had  fallen  down  stairs  and 
driven  his  eyebrows  clear  up  to  the  roots  of  his  hair, 
but  they  had  no  recommend  to  make.  The  Presi- 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  245 

dent  said  that  falling  down  stairs  did  not  come  un 
der  the  head  of  accident,  and  the  matter  was  laid 
on  the  table  to  see  if  the  eyebrows  wouldn't  settle 
down  to  their  place. 

THROWN   6UR  FOR  CAUSE. 

The  following  candidates  were  unfavorably  re 
ported  on  for  causes  named: 

Kenawha  Smith,  of  Maryland,  charged  with  be 
ing  caught  in  a  bear-trap  at  the  door  of  a  neighbor's 
smoke-house.  His  excuse  that  he  mistook  the 
smoke-house  for  a  school-house  at  which  there  was 
to  be  a  spelling  school  that  night,  was  decided  to  be 
too  thin. 

Cemetery  Hastings,  of  Indiana,  charged  with  feed 
ing  his  wife  with  powdered  chalk  when  she  had  the 
ague  and  making  her  believe  it  was  quinine.  His  de 
fense  was  that  the  chalk  cured  her,  but  the  Committee 
were  afraid  that  if  the  action  were  overlooked  he 
might  next  compel  his  wife  to  believe  that  a  chip  on 
a  cabbage  leaf  was  quail  on  toast. 

Sincerity  Flats,  of  South  Carolina,  charged  with 
assisting  to  put  out  a  fire  in  a  grocery.  He  worked 
so  zealousy  that  next  day  a  constable  discovered 
twenty-eight  cans  of  peaches,  a  box  of  soap,  ten 
pails,  two  hams  and  twenty-one  bed-cords  hidden 
away  in  Mr.  Flat's  cabin.  His  defence  was  absence 
of  mind,  but  the  Committee  refused  to  consider  it, 
holding  that  while  an  absent  minded  man  might 
possibly  carry  home  such  articles  as  enumerated  in 
the  charge,  he  would  hardly  take  up  the  kitchen 
floor  to  hide  them. 


246  '"HE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

THE   TORPEDO   CHICKEN. 

Further  reports  were  submitted  regarding  the  tor 
pedo  chicken,  lately  invented  in  Mobile.  A  speci 
men  chicken  had  been  procured  by  the  Committee, 
and  its  workings  exhibited,  The  invention  is  not  as 
deadly  as  at  first  supposed.  It  is  loaded  with  four 
ounces  of  bird  shot  and  two  of  powder,  and  placed 
on  the  roost.  When  it  is  reached  for  a  catch  is 
thrown  out  of  place,  a  powerful  spring  set  in  motion 
and  a.  hammer  strikes  and  explodes  a  percussion  cap. 
The  shot  are  thrown  out  in  every  direction,  and  with 
in  ten  seconds  after  the  explosion  a  dark  figure  is 
seen  galloping  down  the  alley  and  in  a  husky  voice 
is  heard  inquiring:  "  Fo'  de  Lawd,  but  what  has  de 
white  folks  got  hold  of  now?"  The  Committee 
closed  its  report  as  follows:  Havin'  pushed  de  in 
vestigation  an  kivered  all  de  groun',  we  beg  leave  to 
be  discharged  from  f urder  considerashun  of  de  sub 
ject,  an'  to  respectfully  inquar'  of  our  respected 
President:  '  Kin  dis  torpedo  chicken  be  suppressed? ' 
If  not,  what  shall  we  do?  An'  we  will  eber  pray." 

"  As  to  de  suppressin'  de  inwenshun  I  see  no  way 
to  accomplish  it,"  replied  Brother  Gardner.  "  As  to 
what  shall  we  do,  I  have  been  serusly  reflectin'  fur 
de  last  ten  minits,  an'  it  am  my  solemn  belief  dat 
de  best  thing  de  cull'd  race  kin  do  am  to  cultivate  a 
taste  for  some  odder  sort  of  meat." 

THE   WEATHER. 

The  Committee  in  charge  of  the  meteorological 
disturbances  for  the  coming  week  reported  the  fol 
lowing  probabilities: 

SUNDAY — Look  out  for  Thunder. 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  24? 

MONDAY — Hot  enough  for  old  maids  to  go  barefoot. 

TUESDAY — Shocks  of  earthquake  felt  in  several 
localities,  and  old  sinners  begin  to  repent. 

WEDNESDAY — Opens  with  a  tornado  in  four  acts, 
each  act  worth  the  price  of  the  whole  performance. 

THURSDAY — Calm  as  a  sleeping  babe,  but  the 
beasts  of  the  field  sniff  the  air,  paw  the  ground  and 
seem  uneasy. 

FRIDAY — This  will  be  known  as  the  dark  day. 
Heaven  as  black  as  tar;  moaning  in  the  air;  fowls 
terrified;  grocers  forget  to  put  peas  in  their  coffee; 
fish  don't  bite  worth  a  cent;  all  marriage  engage 
ments  declared  off. 

SATURDAY — Sort  of  a  grand  climax,  with  thunder 
claps  loud  enough  to  raise  a  debt  outlawed  for  four 
teen  years.  Clears  off  toward  evening  and  .beer 
gardens  get  ready  for  the  arduous  labors  of  the  Sab 
bath. 

THEY   COME. 

Among  the  fifteen  or  twenty  petitions  was  the  fol 
lowing: 

NORFOLK,  VA.,  December  10,  1881. 

BRO.  GARDNER. — Dear  Sir; — 1  have  been  instructed  by  a  unan 
imous  vote  of  the  Anatomical  and  Scientific  Society  of  Colored 
Men  of  Virginia,  headquarters  at  this  place,  to  make  application 
to  your  Club  for  membership  as  a  body.  We  number  fifty-one 
baldheaded  members,  each  one  of  high  moral  character  and  stand 
ing  solid  on  his  pins.  In  case  our  application  meets  with  success, 
we  will  pay  our  dues  for  a  year  in  advance,  close  our  hall  and  la 
bors  here,  and  forward  to  the  library  of  the  Lime-Kiln  Club  sever 
al  beautifully  preserved  specimens  of  shin-bones  of  deceased  po 
ets,  comic  lecturers,  and  the  man  who  spits  on  the  floor  of  the 
street  car.  With  confidence. 

VERTEBRAE  JONES. 

Secretary  of  the  A.  and  S.  Society. 


248  THE   LIME- KILN  CLUB. 

Pickles  Smith  arose  for  information  as  to  what 
anatomical  meant.  If  it  was  anything  in  regard  to 
polishing  stoves,  the  would-be  members  should  bind 
themselves  not  to  cut  under  rates. 

Trustee  Fullback  seconded  the  motion,  provided 
there  was  any  motion  to  second.  He  knew  of  col 
ored  men  who  were  blacking  stoves  for  fifteen  cents 
apiece,  and  making  no  extra  charge  for  wheeling 
off  two  or  three  barrels  of  ashes.  .After  several  oth 
ers  had  spoken  to  the  same  effect,  the  President 
said: 

"1  allus  gits  astronomy,  anatomy  an' antimony 
all  mixed  up,  but  Ize  sartin  suah  dat  none  of  'em  re 
fer  to  blackin'  stoves.  I  think  we  kin  take  our 
chances  on  votin'  dis  society  in,  an'  thus  increasin' 
our  list  of  distinguished  members." 

ELECTION. 

The  Glee  Club  struck  up:  "We'll  Swim  or  Sink 
Together,"  and  as  Sir  Isaac  Walpole  passed  the 
bean-box  do\>n  the  aisles,  no  living  man  could  have 
told  that  he  had  ever  made  a  running  jump  over  a 
fence  seven  feet  high  to  get  away  from  a  dog  which 
seemed  fourteen  feet  long.  The  following  members 
were  elected  in  cold  blood  and  with  malice  afore 
thought:  Old  Lime  Jones,  Elder  Tucker,  Anxiety 
Hastings,  Glad  Tidings  Taylor,  Zeke  Anderson,  He 
roic  Bray  ton,  Texas  McFadder,  Prof.  Kipp  and 
Wintergreen  Brown. 

NOT   EXACTLY  WILLING. 

The  Secretary  further  announced  a  communication 
from  the  Rev.  Jasper,  of  Virginia,  asking  the  Club 
to  indorse  his  theory  that  the  sun  moves,  but  Broth- 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  249 

er  Gardner  said  that  the  time  was  not  yet  ripe.  In 
years  gone  by,  some  one  had  started  the  theory  that 
the  sun  stood  still  while  the  earth  moved  around  it, 
and  the  majority  of  people  had  come  to  accept  that 
theory  as  a  fact.  It  might  be  radically  wrong,  and 
yet  the  man  who  brought  forward  any  other  theory 
would  be  scoffed  at  and  called  a  crank.  His  ad 
vice  to. Rev.  Jasper  was  to  hang  to  his  theory  and 
wait. 

HE  CAN'T  GO. 

A  communication  from  Norwalk,  O..  signed  by 
such  leading  citizens  as  George  McGee,  Sandy  Mc 
Coy,  Ben  Van  Camps,  Amos  Hopkins,  George  Han- 
shaw,  Friday  Hodge  and  Charles  Augustus  Hop 
kins,  stated  that  the  colored  population  of  that  city 
were  very  much  agitated  over  the  question:  "Do 
sidewhiskers  dignify  a  colored  man's  position  in 
life?"  Three  dogs  had  been  poisoned,  two  windows 
smashed  in  and  the  lives  of  three  men  had  been 
threatened,  and  yet  the  question  had  not  been  set 
tled.  A  public  meeting  had  been  called  for  the  28th 
inst.,  and  it  was  hoped  that  Brother  Gardner  would 
be  present  and  throw  his  influence  one  way  or  the 
other. 

He  stated  in  reply  that  he  could  not  go,  nor  could 
he  furnish  either  side  any  advice  by  letter.  He  had 
seen  colored  men  with  sidewhiskers  who  inspired 
him  with  awe.  He  had  seen  others  who  reminded 
him  of  Darwin's  theory.  There  was  dignity  in  any 
sort  of  whiskers,  but  what  is  the  use  of  dignity  if  a 
man  had  to  wipe  his  nose  on  a  vest-buckle  and  but 
ton  his  Sunday  coat  with  a  shingle  nail.  It  was  a 
local  affair,  and  must  be  settled  among  themselves. 


250  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

THE  SICK. 

The  Committee  on  the  Sick  reported  that  Judge 
Alanthus  Griggs,  a  local  member  in  good  standing, 
was  confined  to  his  bed  and  had  asked  for  his  allow 
ance  from  the  relief  fund. 

"What  am  de  matter  wid  de  Judge?"  asked  the 
President. 

"  Sprained  his  back." 

"How?" 

"  By  jumpin'  ober  a  hitchin'  post  on  a  bet  of  ten 
cents." 

"Bern'  dat  he  sprained  his  back  by  jumpin'  ober  a 
hitchin'  post,  he  kin  now  obtain  relief  by  fallin'  off  a 
house,"  concluded  the  President,  as  he  blew  his  nose 
and  sat  down. 

The  Committee  also  reported  that  Darkweather 
Smith  was  likewise  confined  to  his  bed  with  bilious 
colic  and  needed  relief.  It  being  ascertained  that 
he  let  himself  loose  on  four  pounds  of  grapes  to  see 
what  he  could  do,  the  President  decided  that  it  was 
not  a  case  coming  under  the  provisions  of  the  re 
lief  fund. 

MORE  RELICS. 

The  Librarian  reported  that  he  was  in  receipt  of 
the  hat  worn  by  Cornwallis  at  the  Yorktown  sur 
render,  sent  on  to  the  Club  from  Williamsburg,  Va. 
Also  a  pair  of  sheep-shears,  owned  by  Martin  Van 
Buren,  forwarded  from  Boston. 

THE   MEDAL. 

The  Secretary  announced  that  the  annual  Lime- 
Kiln  Club  medal  to  be  given  to  the  colored  man  per 
forming  the  greatest  deed  of  heroism  during  the 


THE  LTME-KtLN  CLUB.  251 

year,  was  already  in  his  hands  for  the  year  1881. 
The  medal  is  of  silver  and  bronze,  about  the  size  of 
a  trade  dollar.  On  one  side  is  a  picture  of  a  mule, 
.and  on  the  other  that  of  a  persimmon  tree  with  a 
'possum  hanging  to  a  limb.  The  inscription  reads: 
"  When  our  heroes  die  our  country  will  die." 

REPRIMANDED. 

The  Janitor  was  called  from  the  ante-room  and 
asked  if  he  had  made  any  special  study  of  the  radi- 
tion  of  heat,  as  requested  at  a  late  meeting  by  a 
unanimous  vote  of  the  Club.  After  considerable 
hesitation  he  replied  to  the  effect  that  when  the  stove 
began  to  cool  off  he  had  to  radiate  around  in  the  al 
leys  after  dry -goods  boxes  and  apple  barrels,  and  on 
several  different  occasions  had  narrowly  escaped  ar 
rest.  He  was  advised  to  continue  his  specialty,  and 
thoroughly  post  himself  on  the  science  of  heat,  and 
the  meeting  then  awoke  Elder  Toots  by  rolling  him 
off  the  bench,  and  adjourned. 


DE  SUN  DO  MOVE. 

THE  silence  in  the  Hall  was  so  thick  that  it  could 
have  been  cut  with  an  editorial  jack-knife  as  the 
President  calmly  arose  and  began: 

"  I  hold  hear  in  my  hand  a  letter  from  Philadelphia 
axin'  me  if  I  believe  wid  the  Rev.  Jasper,  of  Rich 
mond,  dat  de  sun  do  move?  Sartin  I  do.  I  know  de 
white  folks  claim  dat  it  am  de  airth  which  am  mov- 
in',  while  de  sun  stands  still,  but  right  dar  we  split. 
Joshua  was  about  as  nigh  bein'  an  angel  as  any 
white  man  will  eber  git,  an  when  he  ordered  de  sun 


252  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

to  stand  still  he  knew  what  he  was  talkin'  about.  It 
would  have  been  just  as  easy  fur  him  to  hev  com 
manded  de  airth  to  stand  still,  but  he  didn't  do  it. 
If  Joshua  didn't  know  his  bizness  de  rest  of  us 
might  as  well  hang  up. 

"  An'  now,  you  cull'd  folkses,  mind  what  Izegwine 
to  say.  Doan'  let  de  'stronomy  bizness  keep  you 
awake  nights.  De  sun  am  up  dar  by  day,  an'  de 
moon  an  stars  am  up  dar  by  night.  De  Lawd  put 
de  sun  dar  to  thaw  de  ice  off  de  back  doah-step, 
make  cucumbers  grow  an'  fotch  up  de  grass  an'  de 
corn.  It  didn't  do  any  wuss  when  astronomy  was 
.  unknown,  an'  it  wouldn't  do  any  better  if  ebery  fam 
ily  in  de  kentry  had  a  telescope  four  hundred  feet 
long.  De  moon  was  hung  up  dar  dat  folks  might 
see  to  move  by  night  when  de  rent  got  too  high;  dat 
lost  cows  could  see  to  find  dar  way  home,  dat  folks 
could  see  to  chop  wood  and  empty  bar'ls  of  ashes  on 
de  street;  datwimin  comin'home  from  prayer  meet- 
in'  could  avoid  de  nail  heads  stickin'  up  in  de  planks, 
an'  fur  varus  odder  reasons.  You  jist  take  de  sun 
as  he  runs,  an  de  moon  as  you  find  it,  an'  de  less 
you  worry  about  'em  de  more  meat  an'  taters  you'll 
have  in  de  winter.  De  poorest  cull'd  man  I  eber 
knowed  was  an  ole  black  man  down  in  Virginny 
who  was  always  wonderin'  if  dey  had  a  reglar 
lock  on  de  gates  of  Heaven,  or  only  a  latch  string. 
While  his  nayburs  war  plantin'  he  was  Avonderin'; 
while  dey  war  hoin'  he  was  theorizing;  while  dey 
was  reapin'  he  was  ragged  an'  hungry.  Let  de  sun 
move  or  stand  still — let  de  moon  be  made  of  old  sil 
ver  or  green  cheese — let  de  stars  be  ten  miles  or  10,- 
000,000  miles  away — keep  de  whitewash  brush  gwine 
an'  de  buck-saw  in  good  order  an'  you'll  be  all  rieht." 


THE  LIME-KILN   CLUB.  253 

GATHER   THEM   IN. 

The  Secretary  announced  a  communication  from 
John  W.  Calhoun,  President  of  the  West  Virginia 
Liver  Complaint  Association,  asking  the  Lime  Kiln 
Club  to  receive  them  as  a  body.  After  an  official 
existence  of  six  months  they  found  themselves  out 
of  wood  and  candles,  behind  in  their  rent,  afflicted 
with  corns  and  chilblains,  and  of  no  further  use  to 
high-toned  society. 

On  motion  of  Pickles  Smith,  who  stated  that  he 
was  personally  acquainted  with  Mr.  Calhoun,  the 
Liver  Complaint  Society  was  absorbed  by  unani 
mous  vote. 

RECEIVED. 

The  keeper  of  the  Sacred  Relics  roported  that  he 
had  received  from  Samuel  Blood,  of  Nashville,  a  set 
of  wooden  blocks  forming  a  puzzle  called  "  13 — 14— 
15,''  a  game  very  popular  about  0,000  years  ago.  He 
had  already  returned  thanks,  and  sent  the  donor  a 
cure  for  hydrophobia. 

He  likewise  reported  the  reception  of  an  old  car 
bine,  used  by  Grace  Darling  when  she  went  out  to 
the  rescue  of  shipwrecked  sailors.  Just  how  she  shot 
'em  out  of  the  water  with  it  the  sender  did  not  say, 
but  the  thanks  of  the  Club  had  been  forwarded,  and 
the  old  arm  hung  on  the  west  wall. 

VOTE   OF    CONFIDENCE. 

The  Committee  on  Internal  Resources  reported  that 
it  was  in  receipt  of  intelligence  from  various  parts 
of  the  country  to  the  effect  that  the  supply  of  melons 
and  green  corn  promised  to  equal  the  ordinary  de- 


254  THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

mand,  and  on  motion  of  Pickles  Smith  the  following 
resolution  was  unanimously  adopted: 

Resolved,  Dat  dis  Club  has  fnll  confidence  in  de  agyculchural 
resources  of  dis  kentry,  but  at  de  same  time  we  would  advise  all 
members  of  dis  Club  to  plug  dar  watermelyons  befo'  passin'  ober 
dar  money. 

A  COMING   SHADOW. 

The  Secretary  announced  a  communication  from 
Mrs.  Amanda  Hopeshot,  of  Cairo,  111.,  containing 
intelligence  of  the  death  of  her  husband  by  his  own 
hand,  caused  by  his  failure  to  secure  admission  to 
the  Club,  and  her  determination  to  begin  suit  for 
$5,000  damages  unless  a  check  for  $300  was  forwarded 
by  return  mail. 

The  Secretary  was  instructed  to  return  a  reply 
to  the  effect  that  the  Club  could  not  consider  itself 
morally  or  pecuniary  responsible,  and  a  hint  was 
thrown  out  to  the  Treasurer  that  it  might  be  policy 
to  hide  all  his  funds  in  an  oyster  can  and  bury  the 
can  under  about  four  feet  of  back  garden. 

STANDARD   PRICES. 

Giveadam  Jones  announced  that  he  had  received 
replies  from  New  York,  Boston,  Philadelphia,  Chi 
cago,  and  sixteen  other  points,  and  that  the  stand 
ard  prices  of  the  Lime-Kiln  Club  for  whitewashing 
and  stova-blacking,  were  being  accepted  all  over 
the  country.  No  uniform  price  can  be  made  for 
cleaning  up  back  yards.  In  the  New  England 
States  back  yards  all  run  to  clam-shells,  peach-cans, 
and  old  hoop-skirts,  during  the  winter.  In  Tennes 
see,  they  lean  more  to  old  boots  and  pint  bottles. 
Down  in  Texas  the  remains  of  horse-thieves  and 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  255 

tramps  must  be  carted  off  with  the  oyster-cans  and 
old  hats,  without  extra  charge. 

UNDER  CONDITIONS. 

The  President  stated  that  he  had  received  the  fol 
lowing  personal  letter: 

OSTON,  February  1,  1883. 

BRO.  GARDNER: — Is  there  anything  wrong  in  playing  a  game  of 
cards.  Very  truly,  CRANBERRY  JONES. 

"  When  Elder  Lightfoot  an'  his  wife  come  ober 
to  my  cabin,"  replied  the  President,  "an'  we  sot 
down  fur  a  game  o'  euchre,  we  feel  as  innocent  of 
wrong  as  a  two-year  old  child  foolin'  wid  a  revolver; 
but  under  certain  odder  condishuns  a  game  of  cards 
may  result  in  great  evil.  If  a  pusson  stacks  the 
keerds,  dat's  wrong;  if  he  puts  de  joker  up  his 
sleeve,  dat's  wrong;  if  he  plays  a  lone  hand,  dat 
looks  suspicious;  if  he  winks  at  his  partner  to  take 
it  up  or  turn  it  down,  it  isn't  a  squar'  game.  Ordin 
arily  speakin'  dar's  imfrm'  wrong  in  a  game  of 
keerds — uuless  you  git  all  de  nine  an'  ten  spots,  an' 
de  odder  man  holds'all  de  bowers  an'  aces." 

NEARER   HOME. 

The  Janitor  reported  the  breaking  of  five  panes  of 
glass  in  the  back  windows  during  the  week,  but  he 
had  been  unable  to  locate  anyone  with  his  shot-gun. 
Also,  that  the  rats  were  eating  the  legs  off  the  safe 
in  which  the  Club  funds  are  stacked  away. 

The  Librarian  reported  the  receipt  of  three  'lozen 
almanacs,  and  a  pamphlet  entitled  "  How  to  Be 
Beautiful." 


256  THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

The  Keeper  of  the  Bear-trap  reported  everything 
clear  in  the  West,  and  the  meeting  was  brought  to  a 
close. 


BEAUTIES  OF  THE  BALLOT. 

"  I  WOULD  like  to  spoke  a  few  words  to  Telescope 
Perkins,  if  he  am  in  de  Hall'to-night,"  said  the  Presi 
dent,  as  the  meeting  opened. 

The  brother  wiped  off  his  mouth  and  advanced  to 
the  platform,  and  Brother  Gardner  continued: 

"Brudder  Perkins,  I  met  you  at  8  o'clock  in  de 
evenin'  on  'lecshun  night." 

"Yes,  sah." 

"  You  war  what  de  white  folks  call  slewed." 

"  Ize  mighty  soiry,  sah." 

"You  were  full  of  glory.  You  felt  dat  you  had 
saved  de  kentry.  Your  clothes  war  all  mud.  Your 
breaf  smelt  of  skunks,  an'  you  had  to  jump  up  and 
down  an'  whoop  to  keep  from  bustin'  yer  biler." 

"  Lots  of  white  folks  was  doin'  de  same,  sah." 

"  Sartin — sartin.  You,  an  ole  ex-slave,  unable  to 
read  or  write,  was  only  followin'  in  de  footsteps  of 
intelligent,  eddecated  white  men.  Brudder  Perkins 
I  war  walkin'  round  on  'lection  day,  an'  I  saw  some 
curus  things.  I  saw  citizens  who  would  not  swal 
low  ten  drops  of  whisky  if  life  depended  on  it  wote 
fur  men  who  he v  sold  de  pisened  stuff  ober  de  bar 
fur  years.  An'  dat  was  savin'  de  kentry. 

"I  saw  men  who  would  turn  a  servant  gal  out 
doors  on  a  winter's  night,  if  dey  heard  a  scandle 
'bout  her,  walk  up  to  de  poles  an'  wote  fur  men  who 
rent  from  two  to  half  a  dozen  houses  to  women  of 
bad  character.  Pat  was  gwine  it  straight! 


THE  LIME-KILN   CLUB.  257 

"  I  saw  men  whose  wives  am  breakin'  deir  hearts 
ober  de  wayward  course  of  beloved  sons,  walk  to  de 
winder  and  stick  in  ballots  fur  candidates  who  am 
in  cahoots  wid  blacklegs  an'  de  steady  patrons  of 
gambling  houses.  Dat  am  de  glory  of  politics! 

"I  saw  Christian  men,  who  pray  agin  vice  and 
shed  tears  ober  de  wickedness  of  society,  wole  fur 
candidates  whose  private  lives  am  one  long  night 
of  debauchery  and  corruption.  Dat  was  standin'  by 
de  party. 

"I  saw  ministers  of  de  gospel  cast  wotes  fur  drunk 
ards,  libertines  an'  outlaws  of  society.  Dat  wassup- 
portin'  de  principle. 

"  I  saw  de  honest,  decent  men  arrayed  on  one  side, 
an'  de  thugs,  thieves  an'  loafers  on  de  odder,  an'  de 
honest,  decent  men  war  swept  away  like  chaff  be- 
fo'  a  gale.  Dat  was  an  illustrashun  of  de  beauties 
of  de  'lective  franchise!  " 

"  But  I  won't  do  it  agin,  sah,"  pleaded  Brother 
Perkins. 

"You  kin  sot  clown,"  quietly  remarked  the  Presi 
dent.  "  Dat  same  night  I  heard  Aldernacn  bawlin' 
like  mules  bekase  some  favorite  candidate  had 
pulled  frew  wid  de  aid  of  money  an'  whisky.  Citi 
zens  who  wouldn't  let  you  in  at  de  front  doali  rolled 
in  de  mud  dat  night  like  hogs,  Men  who  hev  sons 
to  bring  up  met  an'  shook  hands  an'  rejoiced  ober  de 
'leckshun  of  candidates  who  know  de  way  into  ebery 
saloon  an'  poker  room  in  Detroit.  Blame  you,  Brud- 
der  Perkins — blame  you  for  follerin  de  example  of 
leadin'  white  folks!  No,  sah!  Go  an'  sot  down  an' 
feel  proud  dat  you  come  so  nigh  bein'  an  eminent 
citizen!" 


258  HE  LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

SIGNS   OF  SUCCESS. 

The  Committee  on  Improvements  signified  their 
readiness  to  render  their  monthly  report,  and  the 
Chairman  stated  that  they  had  made  a  careful  can 
vas  of  the  city  to  see  what  progress  was  being  made 
in  bringing  about  the  new  time-table,  in  which  the 
next  hour  after  12  o'clock  noon  will  be  called  13 
o'clock.  They  found  the  new  system  in  use  in  sev 
eral  stores  and  factories,  at  two  breweries  and  three 
wood  yards,  and  other  establishments  were  prepar 
ing  to  adopt  it.  The  Committee  received  plenty  of 
assurances  that  the  public  would  take  kindly  to  the 
change,  and  that  the  next  generation  would  never 
suspect  that  the  clock  makers  of  this  one  were  too 
stupid  to  be  able  to  count  above  twelve. 

MORE  HONORS. 

While  Brother  Gardner  was  called  into  the  ants- 
room  to  throw  a  half-drunken  man  down  stairs  th*» 
Secretary  read  the  following: 

PARIS,  KY.,  Aug.  37,  1881. 
Brother  Gardner: 

DEAR  SIR — At  the  last  meeting  of  the  Big  Four  Literary  and 
Philosophical  Society  of  this  city  you  were  elected  an  honorary 
member  for  life,  and  the  Secretary  instructed  to  request  you  to 
prepare  and  deliver  an  address  before  us,  on  the  first  Wednesday 
evening  in  October  on  the  subject  of:  "The  Good  Time  Coming." 
I  am,  sir,  very  truly, 

DRAGOON  PARKER, 
President  B.  F.  L.  and  P.  S. 

GENIUS  INVOKED. 

The  Secretary  of  the  Board  of  Trade  of  Milan, 
Ohio,  forwarded  a  communication  in  which  he  asked 
whether  a  person  suffering  with  chilblains  could 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  259 

pull  off  his  boots  and  scratch  his  heels  in  church  or 
the  theater  without  outraging  public  sentiment. 

"  Dat  am  a  queshun  which  has  gin  me  considera 
ble  thought,"  said  the  President.  "Sometimes  it 
seems  as  if  he  could,  an'  agin  it  seems  as  if  he 
couldn't.  De  bizness  of  chilblains  am  to  itch  an'  be 
oneasy.  De  bizness  of  de  owner  am  to  pacify  de 
oneasiness.  You  can't  talk  to  a  chilblain,  nor  argy 
wid  it,  nor  scare  it  away  by  threats.  It  takes  mo' 
nerve  to  sot  still  for  ten  minits  wid  your  feet  ticklin' 
an'  tinglin'  an'  itchin'  dan  it  does  to  face  a  mad  lion 
fur  half  an  hour.  It  seems  as  if  sunthin  had  got  to 
be  did,  but  what  to  do  am  de  queshun.  I  believe  dat 
genius  should  be  invoked.  I  believe  genius  kin  at 
tach  a  nutmeg-grater  to  an  iron  rod  an'  fit  de  mach 
ine  inside  de  boot,  so  dat  when  de  oneasiness  begins 
a  movement  of  de  rod  will  agitate  de  grater  along 
de  sole  of  de  foot  an'  bring  on  a  peaceful  calm.  I 
believe  we  have  de  genius  in  clis  Club,  an'  fur  de 
sake  of  bringin'  him  out  I  will  hereby  offer  a  re 
ward  of  $25  from  de  treasury  to  de  inventor  of  a 
successful  chilblain-scratcher. " 

Something  of  the  sort  will  no  doubt  be  brought 
out  soon,  and  the  successful  genius  may  look  for  a 
large  sale  and  big  profits. 

"THANK  YOU  EVER  so  MUCH." 

The  Secretary  announced  a  further  communica 
tion  from  Gardnerville,  Tex,,  announcing  that  the 
name  had  been  given  to  the  new  town  in  honor  of 
the  President  of  the  Lime-Kiln  Club.  Brother  Gard 
ner  was  quite  overcome  for  the  moment,  and  might 
perhaps  have  broken  down  under  his  emotion  had 


260  THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

not  Samuel  Shin  accidentally  upset  the  water  pail 
and  filled  the  surrounding  brogans  with  ice  water. 

CAN'T  RECEIVE  IT. 

The  Treasurer  said  that  a  majority  of  the  honora 
ry  members  were  sending  in  punched  quarters  and 
halfes  in  payment  of  dues,  and  although  he  had 
plugged  scores  of  pieces  with  lead  and  passed  them 
off  on  the  unsuspecting  public,  he  hoped  for  some 
ruling  in  the  case  which  would  relieve  him  from  the 
pressure.  The  President  instructed  him  to  hereaf 
ter  make  a  discount  of  1,000  per  cent,  on  all  mutilat 
ed  bills  or  coins  sent  in,  and  most  of  the  lamps  be 
ing  on  the  point  of  going  out  for  the  want  of  oil,  the 
meeting  was  dismissed  in  due  ancient  form. 

HAVE   WE   ANY   AESTHETICS  ? 

The  Chairman  of  the  Committee  on  Agriculture 
announced  that  he  was  ready  to  report  on  the  query: 
"Have  we  any  aesthetics  among  us?"  The  Com 
mittee  had  faithfully  investigated  for  two  long 
\v  eeks,  and  had  reached  the  conclusion  that  if  there 
were  any  such  persons  in  Detroit,  they  were  hidden 
away  in  garrets.  The  Committee  had  run  across 
sad-eyed  girls,  having  a  sorrowful  pucker  to  their 
mouth  and  carrying  sorrowful-hued  parasols,  but 
they  were  not  aesthetics.  They  had  merely  been 
disappointed  in  not  going  to  the  seaside.  The  Com 
mittee  had  run  across  sad-eyed  young  men,  carrying 
sad  little  canes  and  wearing  spiritulle  hats,  but  they 
smoked  five-cent  cigars  and  chewed  raw  peanuts, 
and  aesthetics  never  do  that.  The  Committee  had 
labored  diligently  and  well,  and  was  forced  to  the 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  261 

conclusion  that  the  only  fools  in  Detroit  were  natu 
ral  born  ones. 

THE   CLOSE. 

The  Glee  Club  struck  up..  "  Who  Stole  Dat  Dog  o' 
Mine,"  and  a  collection  was  taken  up  for  the  benefit 
of  two  theological  students  about  to  sail  for  Liberia. 
Brother  Gardner  announced  that  by  accident  some 
body  had  dropped  two  cents  in  money  into  the  hat, 
and  the  coin  was  voted  into  the  Club  incidental 
fund,  and  the  meeting  adjourned. 


TO  PATRIOTS. 

"BE  patriotic,"  began  the  old  man  as  Pickles 
Smith  swallowed  a  trunk-key  which  he  had  been 
holding  in  his  mouth  to  cure  dyspepsia — "be  patri 
otic,  but  doan'  emagine  dat  all  de  odder  patriots  am 
dead  an'  buried.  I  like  a  man  who  speaks  well  of 
his  kentry,  but  it  worries  me  when  I  see  him  carry- 
in'  dat  kentry  on  his  back.  Be  patriotic,  but  find 
out  fust  what  patriotism  means.  Dis  kentry  fought 
fur  her  liberty.  Put  dat  in  your  hat.  Liberty  in  dis 
kentry  eber  since  has  bin  as  nigh  a  sham  as  a  circus 
widout  a  menagerie,  clown  or  performers.  Put  dat 
in  your  pipe.  We  fout  England  to  unite  de  States. 
Den  we  turned  aroun'  an'  fout  each  odder  to  dissolve 
'em.  We  whoop  an'  hurrah  fur  our  soldiers,  but  we 
gin  de  fat  offices  to  our  relashuns  who  didn't  go  to 
war.  A  general  who  lost  a  battle  am  all  O.  K.  if  he 
kin  run  a  political  party.  A  general  who  won  one 
am  forgotten  in  a  y'ar  if  he  doan'  wote  de  right 
ticket.  In  one  breath  we  flatter  ourselves  that  we 


262  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

have  de  greatest  statesmen  on  airth,  an'  in  de  next 
we  convict  'em  of  todyism,  nepotism,  placehuntin' 
an'  stealin'.  We  weep  ober  de  orphans  made  by 
war,  an'  den  turn  about  an'  howl  bekase  dey  am 
granted  pitiful  penshuns.  We  poke  fun  at  our  navy, 
an'  yet  refuse  to  wote  money  to  strengthen  it.  We 
want  de  Injun  licked  out  of  his  butes,  an'  yet  we  sell 
him  de  means  to  lick  us. 

"De  man  who  sots  out  to  be  a  patriot  must  go  slow, 
or  he  will  be  taken  for  a  lunatic  or  a  rascal  instead. 
It's  a  grand  kentry,  but  de  taxpayers  have  to  foot 
de  bill.  It's  a  Republic  of  free  speech,  but  you  mus' 
agree  wid  de  big  guns  or  you  will  be  sot  down  as  a 
crank.  We  flatter  ourselves  dat  we — we  am  thought 
some  pumpkins  by  European  powers,  an'  yet  we  se 
lect  as  our  representatives  abroad  sich  men  as  am 
played  out  at  home.  We  talk  about  de  pauper  labor 
of  Europe,  an'  yet  we  have  two  county  houses  to 
her  one.  We  rap  de  Czar  of  Russia  for  his  tyrany, 
an'  yet  we  submit  to  laws  an'  practices,  an'  rappin's 
from  policemen,  an'  arrests  without  warrants,  and 
customs  which  would  send  de  Russian  into  a  war  of 
rebellion.  We  dispise  titles,  an'  yet  toady  to  de 
rich.  We  warn  kings  dat  deir  days  am  short,  an' 
den  steal  our  own  Presidents  or  shoot  them  into 
power. 

"  Be  patriotic,  my  frens,  but  doan  shoot  off  a  hull 
battery  of  artillery,  to  call  y'er  dog  when  a  whistle 
will  do  jist  as  well.  Let  us  now  enter  upon  de  biz- 
ness  which  has  culminated  us  togeder." 

UNDER  CONDITIONS. 

The  Secretary  announced  a  communication  from 
the  Hon.  Considerably  Davis,  of  Jersey  City,  stating 


fHE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  203 

that  he  had  invented  a  combined  music-box  and 
rat-trap,  and  wished  permission  to  name  the  inven 
tion  after  the  Lime-Kiln  Club.  In  case  it  was  gran-^ 
ted,  he  would  forward  four  of  his  machines  by  the 
first  freight  train. 

Brother  Gardner  replied  to  the  effect  that  permis 
sion  could  not  be  granted  until  he  had  witnessed  the 
workings  of  the  invention.  The  trap  part  might  be 
all  right,  but  what  was  the  music?  He  did  not  pro 
pose  to  show  his  enmity  by  inflicting  oil  this  country 
anything  worse  than  the  average  piano.  He  had 
one  in  his  own  humble  home,  and  whenever  he  felt 
out  of  sorts  with  the  world  he  sat  down  and  began 
on  "  Home,  Sweet  Home."  He  could  turn  out  every 
neighbor  inside  of  three  minutes,  and  in  less  than 
five  he  was  sure  to  be  shot  at.  Did  this  new  inven 
tion  possess  power  to  soothe  or  irritate?  Would  it 
add  to  the  number  of  lunatics,  or  would  it  soothe  the 
feelings  of  a  family  just  returned  from  a  steamboat 
excursion?  He  could  not  grant  the  desired  permis 
sion  without  further  particulars. 

ELDER  TOOTS  AT  THE  FRONT. 

During  the  last  two  or  three  meetings  Elder 
Toots  had  managed  to  keep  awake  most  of  the  time 
by  keeping  a  bit  of  ice  on  his  head  and  permitting 
the  melting  stream  to  trickle  down  the  back  of  his 
neck,  but  on  this  occasion  he  had  slept  sweetly  for 
twenty  minutes,  when  he  suddenly  rose  and  offered 
the  following  resolution: 

"Jfesolved,  Dat  dis  Club  do  hereby  express  its  sympathy  fur  de 
cause  of  liberty  in  Cuba." 


264  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUfc. 

During  the  deep  silence  which  followed  the  read 
ing  of  the  above,  Prof.  High-Strung  Smith  was 
plainly  heard  chewing  slippery  elm,  and  a  sudden 
sneeze  from  Gen.  Overworked  Johnson  rattled  along 
the  ceiling  and  brought  down  hundreds  of  small 
pieces  of  plaster. 

"  Brudder  Toots,  what  do  you  know  'bout  Cuba?  " 
asked  the  President. 

"Nuffin,  sah." 

"What  do  you  know  'bout  de  cause  of  liberty?" 

"Nuffin." 

"  Who  axed  you  to  present  dat  resolushun?" 

"Judge  Gallipolee  Thompson,  sah." 

"  Brudder  Toots,  you  go  out  an'  soak  de  back  of 
yer  neck  in  cold  tea!  You  has  bin  made  a  fool  of! 
You  are  a  purty  middlin'  aiverage  ole  nigger,  but  de 
mo'  you  sleep  while  present  at  our  meeting  de  mo' 
benefit  you  will  derive  from  de  purceedins.  As  fur 
you,  Brudder  Thompson,  you  am  hereby  fined  nine 
hundred  dollars  an'  costs  fur  disruptin'  de  reg'lar 
purceedins.  I  may  add  at  dis  time  dat  de  costs  am 
about  fo'  hundred  dollars." 

The  Judge  fell  to  the  floor  in  a  dead  faint,  but  was 
immediately  drawn  out  of  the  Hall  by  the  left  leg, 
and  business  went  right  on. 

HE'S    A   FRAUD. 

A  letter  from  a  city  official  of  Irwinton ,  Ga. ,  made 
inquiry  if  Pickles  Smith  had  been  sent  down  there 
to  canvas  for  subscriptions  to  raise  the  funds  to  pur 
chase  500  ice  cream  freezers  for  the  negroes  in  Libe 
ria.  A  person  so  calling  himself  was  then  in  that 
city,  and  had  collected  seven  or  eight  dollars.  He 
was  described  as  a  low-built  man,  broad  in  the  back, 


THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB.  265 

nose  broken  and  skewed  around  to  starboard,  and 
four  front  teeth  gone. 

Brother  Pickles  Smith  at  once  leaped  to  his  feet 
and  moved  that  the  Club  offer  a  reward  of  $5, 000  for 
the  arrest  and  conviction  of  the  infamous  imposter, 
and  he  was  about  to  launch  out  into  a  speech  thirty- 
four  feet  long  when  the  President  stopped  him  with: 

"Doan'  git  excited,  Brudder  Smith.  While  de 
man  am  a  fraud,  an'  while  it  am  werry,  werry 
wrong  to  blast  de  reputashun  of  a  good  man,  dis 
Club  won't  offer  ober  $5  reward.  Hundreds  of  white 
men  have  sold  out  for  less.  Sot  down,  Pickles — sot 
down  an'  ketch  yer  breath." 

THE  SICK. 

The  Committee  on  the  sick  reported  that  Brother 
General  Jackson  Cox  had  sent  for  them  on  the  pre 
vious  evening  and  they  had  arrived  at  his  cabin  in 
a  one-horse  wagon  to  find  him  out  of  his  mind  and 
evidently  drawing  near  death's  door.  They  recom 
mended  that  he  be  allowed  five  dollars  from  the  re 
lief  fund,  and  that  two  members  be  detailed  to  sit 
up  with  him. 

"  Brudder  Cox  didn't  send  for  me."  observed  the 
President,  as  he  placed  the  report  on  the  window- 
sill,  where  it  would  blow  into  the  street,  "but  I  went 
over  dar  jist  de  same.  I  arrove  dar  'bout  half 
an  hour  after  de  Committee  left,  an'  I  found  de 
Gineral  lickin'  de  chill'en  wid  one  hand  an'  eatin' 
cold  corn  beef  wid  de  odder.  His  mind  had  got  back 
an'  so  had  his  ole  woman,  an'  de  way  she  was  rak- 
in'  him  down  made  me  weak  in  de  knees.  Doorin' 
de  arternoon  de  Gineral  had  eaten  two  quarts  of 
huckle-berries,  a  cherry  pie,  a  loaf  of  bread,  fo* 


20ti  THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

biled  aigs  an'  a  due  quantity  of  sassage,  an'  de 
strain  on  his  constitution  was  a  leetle  too  much.  He 
won't  git  eny  relief  heah,  an'  de  next  time  he  shows 
Up  in  dis  Hall'Ize  gwine  to  talk  to  him  in  a  way  dat 
will  make  him  lose  six  pounds  of  fat  in  five  minits." 

ASTRONOMY. 

The  Committee  on  Astronomy  reported  that  it  had 
used  every  possible  effort  to  discover  whether  the 
moon  was  inhabited  or  not,  but  had  been  unable  to 
satisfy  twemselves  that  it  was.  Col.  Jerusalem  Todd, 
of  the  Committee,  was  pretty  well  satisfied  that  he 
had  seen  goats  moving  about  up  there,  and  Elder 
Higginbottorn  was  dead  sure  that  he  could  make 
out  a  troop  of  yellow  dogs  and  a  patch  of  black 
berry  bushes,  but  they  had  squinted  in  vain  for  a 
sight  of  human  life. 

WILL  INVESTIGATE. 

Giveadam  Jones  sent  to  the  Secretary's  desk  a  let 
ter  which  he  had  received  from  Chicago,  signed  Gin 
ger  Jackson,  preferring  charges  against  a  member 
of  the  Club  residing  there,  named  Cyclone  Sampson. 
The  charges  were:  Beating  his  fare  on  the  street 
cars  and  mistaking  a  cooper  shop  for  a  saloon. 
Brother  Gardner  ordered  the  Committee  on  Elections 
to  investigate  and  report,  and  if  the  charges  are  sus 
tained  Brother  Jackson  may  prepare  himself  for  a 
standing  jump  of  thirty-two  feet. 

The  solemn  voice  of  the  triangle  now  announced 
that  the  safety  of  the  country  was  an  assured  fact, 
and  as  the  water  pail  was  turned  bottom  side  up 
and  the  safe  rolled  back  to  place,  the  Glee  Club  burst 
into  delicious  song  and  the  meeting  fell  asunder. 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  267 

NO   LUNATICS   PRESENT. 

WHAT  I  war  goin'  to  remark,"  began  Brother 
Gardner,  as  the  hour  arrived  and  the  triangle  soun 
ded,  "am  to  ask  who  among  you  am  insane?  I 
should  like  to  make  out  a  list  as  soon  as  possible,  an' 
I  hope  dat  no  lunatic  will  feel  backward  about 
handin'  in  his  name. 

"You  look  surprised,"  continued  the  old  man,  as 
he  walked  up  and  down  in  front  of  his  desk,  "  but  I 
am  quite  satisfied  dat  we  have  at  least  a  dozen  luna 
tics  among  us.  De  man  who  shot  de  President  could 
read  law  an'  plead  it;  he  could  cheat,  lie,  swindle, 
bilk  hotels,  buy  an'  sell,  come  an'  go,  push  his  claims 
fur  office  an'  go  on  long  journey,  an'  yet  he  am  de 
clared  to  be  crazy.  No  one  eber  knowed  it  till  he 
became  an  assassin.  If  he  hadn't  tried  to  commit 
murder  he  would  still  be  looked  upon  as  a  dead-beat 
instead  of  a  lunatic.  Now  I  propose  to  take  time  by 
de  4-lock  an'  make  a  list  of  de  lunatics  in  our  Club 
fur  de  benefit  of  de  purleece.  Let  each  assassin 
stand  up  as  his  name  is  called  by  de  Seckretary." 

The  Secretary  went  through  the  roll  in  his  usual 
sing-song  way,  and  not  a  member  stood  up. 

"  Werry  well,"  said  the  President,  "let  de  Seck 
retary  make  a  note  of  dis.  You  hev  all  pleaded 
guilty  to  bein'  perfeckly  sane,  an'  you  mus'  take  de 
consequences.  If  ary  one  of  you  walk  out  of  a  gro 
cery  wid  a  codfish  under  your  coat,  or  am  ober- 
hauled  by  de  purleece  wid  a  bag  of  chickens  on  yer 
back,  doan'  try  to  shirk  de  consequences  by  pleadin' 
insanity." 


268  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

NOT   YET. 

A  letter  from  the  Rev.  Tobago  Jones,  of  Mobile, 
asked  if  it  was  true  that  the  Lime-Kiln  Club  had 
passed  a  resolution  asking  Congress  to  rob  the  treas 
ury  and  divide  up  the  money  between  them  and  go 
home  and  have  done  with  it.  The  President  said 
that  such  a  resolution  was  now  on  his  desk,  and 
might  be  presented  at  the  next  meeting. 

IT  WILL. 

The  Secretary  announced  a  further  communica 
tion  from  Buggy  Botton,  Fla.,  stating  the  fact  that 
the  colored  people  in  that  vicinity  had  formed  a 
"  Saw-Dust  Club,"  and  desired  to  affiliate  with  the 
Lime-Kiln.  Brother  Gardner  ordered  the  Secretary 
to  open  correspondence  with  red  ink  and  corn-color 
ed  envelopes,  and  in  case  it  was  found  that  the 
"  Saw-Dusters  "  were  composed  of  sixteen  members, 
and  were  provided  with  a  three-hooped  water-pail, 
a  thermometer  and  a  stove  with  regular  hinges  to 
the  door,  to  say  that  the  Lime-Kiln  would  affiliate 
up  to  the  twenty-seventh  degree. 

"KINDER  NEUTRAL." 

"I  has  received  a  letter  from  de  interior  of  de 
Stait,"  said  the  President,  as  he  adjusted  his  specta 
cles,  "axin'  what  part  dis  Lime-Kiln  Club  will  take 
in  de  Emancipashun  Proclimashun  Celebrashun,  to 
be  held  in  August.  I  'spect  dat  we  shall  take  a  kin 
der  neutral  posishun.  If  de  cull'd  folkses  of  Michi 
gan,  or  any  part  daf-'off,  feel  dat  de  anniversary  of 
dat  occashun  calls  fur  a  splurge,  let  'em  splurge. 
As  fur  me,  1  reckon  dat  de  black  man  who  chaws  up 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  269 

chickens  on  Thanksgiving  hangs  up  his  stockins  on 
^Christmas,  gorges  himself  on  New  Year's,  parades 
on  Washington's  birthday,  feels  bad  on  Decorashun 
Day  an'  busts  de  glory  outer  dis  kentry  011  Fo'th  of 
July,  has  'bout  all  de  bizness  on  han'  he  kin  manage 
on  an  income  ranging  from  $3  to  $7  per  week.  We 
will  lend  'em  our  flag  an'  water-pail,  an'  keep  Para 
dise  Hall  open  all  day  fur  de  weary,  but  dey  needn't 
look  fur  any  thin'  furder." 

ABSORBED. 

Among  the  applications  for  membership  was  the 
Colored  Philosophical  Club  of  Atlanta,  composed  of 
twenty-seven  of  the  most  celebrated  colored  men  of 
Georgia.  The  club  was  organized  seven  years  ago, 
and  at  one  time  numbered  over  three  hundred  mem 
bers.  The  letter  forwarded  by  the  Secretary  stated 
that  the  club  had  decided  to  dissolve  because  the 
President  had  run  away  with  a  strange  woman,  its 
Treasurer  had  skipped  with  the  funds  and  the  Secre 
tary  was  in  jail  on  charge  of  having  thirteen  shovels 
hidden  under  his  wood-shed. 

ELECTION. 

Pickles  Smith,  Chairman  of  the  Committee  on  Ap 
plications,  announced  that  he  had  no  names  of  can 
didates  to  hand  in,  and  an  explanation  being  de 
manded,  he  said  that  he  had  a  list  of  thirteen  in  his 
pocket  to  bring  down,  but  lost  it  while  assisting  a 
white  man  to  load  a  calf  into  a  wagon. 

Brudder  Smith,"  replied  the  President,  as  he  care 
fully  wiped  his  spectacles,  "  de  nex'  time  dat  a  spot 
ted  calf  or  a  yaller  dog,  or  anything  else  short  of  a 
cyclone  or  an  airthquake,  am  permitted  to  interfere 


270  THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

wid  de  reg'lar  bizness  of  dis  Club,  dar  will  be  a  wa- 
cancy  heah,  an'  you  will  no  longer  hev  de  privil 
ege  of  spittin'  tobacky  on  de  fust  jint  of  de  stove 


pipe." 


IT   WAS   PENSTOCK. 


The  Secretary  then  read  a  letter  from  January 
Jones,  of  Selma,  Alabama,  stating  that  he  received 
a  call  some  six  weeks  since  from  a  person  represent 
ing  himself  to  be  the  Rev.  Penstock.  Said  person 
borrowed  $2  to  help  him  on  to  the  next  town,  and  as 
the  money  had  not  been  returned  as  promised,  Mr. 
Jones  had  drawn  a  sight-draft  on  the  Treasurer  of 
the  Club  for  the  amount. 

As  the  Secretary  laid  the  communication  down 
117  pairs  of  eyes  were  turned  upon  Penstock.  He 
rose  up,  choking  with  indignation,  and  as  soon  as 
he  could  unbutton  his  vest  and  push  up  his  hair,  he 
put  in  such  an  emphatic  denial  that  one  of  the  bear- 
traps  fell  down  upon  Samuel  Shin  and  rendered  him 
unconscious  for  seven  minutes.  Penstock  was  not 
within  fifty  miles  of  Selma  on  his  southern  trip,  and 
as  for  money,  he  reached  home  after  an  absence  of 
almost  four  weeks  with  upwards  of  twenty-three 
cents  to  spare.  He  wanted  a  Committee  of  Investi 
gation,  and  he  wanted  that  committee  to  do  its  work 
in  the  most  thorough  manner.  The  President  ap 
pointed  Giveadam  Jones,  Colonel  De  Hue  and  Sara 
toga  Thompson  as  such  committee,  with  power  to 
send  for  persons  and  papers  and  lemonade  and  ci 
gars  and  a  fifteen-cent  lunch. 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  271 

THE   CLOSE. 

The  Glee  Club  having  wrestled  with  a  new  song 
composed  expressly  for  the  fall  season  by  some  one 
signing  herself  "Mrs.  L.,"  Elder  Toots  was  drawn 
to  one  side,  a  new  thirteen-cent  pad-lock  placed  on  the 
safe,  and  the  meeting  adjourned  with  such  enthusi 
asm  that  several  panes  of  glass  were  broken  in  the 
window  looking  down  upon  the  alley. 


TRAPPING  A  HYENA. 

SOME  three  months  ago,  owing  to  various  and  re 
peated  attempts  to  destroy  Paradise  Hall  by  fiends 
in  human  shape,  Samuel  Shin  asked  leave  in  open 
meeting  to  protect  the  Hall  by  an  invention  of  his 
own.  Leave  was  granted,  and  the  result  was  seen 
as  the  Janitor  opened  the  place  Saturday  afternoon 
to  make  ready  for  the  usual  weekly  meeting  at  night. 
Mr.  Shin's  invention  consisted  of  a  pound  of  pow 
der  innocently  stored  away  in  an  old  nail  keg,  and 
the  keg  placed  where  a  stranger  would  use  it  to  look 
through  the  transom.  A  pressure  of  two  pounds  on 
the  head  of  the  keg  would  scratch  a  match  and  ex 
plode  the  powder.  Some  men  would  have  grown 
weary  of  waiting,  but  Samuel  knew  that  if  he  fished 
long  enough  he  was  certain  to  catch  a  whale. 

Sometime  during  Thursday  night  a  person  whose 
name  will  never  be  known  unlocked  the  street  door 
with  the  crank  of  a  coffee  mill  and  slid  up  stairs 
with  murder  in  his  thoughts.  Perhaps  he  expected 
to  find  Elder  Toots  asleep  up  there,  and  was  prepared 
to  dispatch  him  without  mercy,  or  he  may  have  sim- 


272  THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

ply  intended  to  damage  the  Hall  about  $18,000 
worth  and  then  go  away  to  secretly  chuckle  over 
his  dastardly  work.  Be  that  as  it  may  he  reached 
the  ante-room  and  paused  for  a  moment  to  cast  a 
glance  of  contempt  at  the  stuffed  opposum  over  the 
door  leading  into  the  lodge.  There  stood  the  inno 
cent  nail  keg,  and  the  transom  was  open. 

The  human  hyena  probably  cackled  with  delight 
as  he  saw  the  easy  way  prepared  for  him,  but  it  was 
his  last  cackle  on  earth.  As  he  mounted  the  keg 
there  was  a  dull  explosion,  which  was  heard  by 
many  people  on  the  street  and  supposed  to  have  been 
caused  by  the  blowing  up  of  a  tug  down  towards 
Lake  Erie. 

When  the  Hall  opened  Saturday  evening  Mr.  Shin 
had  all  the  remains  spread  out  on  top  of  Waydown 
Bebee's  plug  hat.  There  was  a  button,  seven  hairs, 
the  heel  of  a  sock,  a  finger-nail,  and  a  part  of  a 
document  beginning  with:  "  To  the  Hon.  the  Com 
mon  Coun — ."  A  hole  in  the  roof  through  which 
twenty-seven  stars  looked  placidly  down  on  the 
Bear-Trap  indicated  the  ulterior  direction  taken  by 
the  balance  of  the  remains.  The  force  of  the  ex 
plosion  knocked  the  safe  over  and  broke  one  hinge, 
and  the  pictures  on  the  walls  were  more  or  less  dam 
aged,  but  Cadaver  Smith  came  forward  and  offered 
to  make  good  the  damage  out  of  his  own  pocket. 

THE   LESSON. 

"  Let  dis  be  a  warnin'  to  de  wicked  to  pause,"  said 
Brother  Gardner  as  the  meeting  opened.  "  Let  it  be 
a  furder  warnin  to  de  good  not  to  become  wicked. 
Wickedeess  doan'  pay.  If  you  turn  gambler  you 
may  hide  de  joker  up  yer  sleeve  and  win  a  few  dol- 


THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB.  273 

lars,  but  de  fust  thing  ye  know  some  man  will  hide 
de  fo'  bowers  in  his  hat  an'  skoop  ye  blind.  If  you 
turn  robber  you  may  stop  some  plumber  on  de  high 
way  an'  make  a  haul  of  three  hun'red  dollars,  but 
de  nex'  fing  you  know  you  bet  on  a  hoss-race  air 
lose  de  pile.  We  have  de  proofs  befo'  us  dat  while 
de  wicked  am  chucklin'  an'  grinnin'  an'  growin'  fat, 
death  am  waitin'  at  deir  elbow  to  lif  em  higher  nor 
a  kite.  De  Committee  on  Privileges  an'  Repose  will 
see  to  de  repairs  of  de  Hall,  an'  we  will  now  ambu 
late  to'rs  de  reg'lar  order  of  bizness." 


THE  LAWYERS. 

"JiST  at  dis  moment,"  began  Brother  Gardner  as 
the  triangle  called  the  meeting  to  order,  "  de  press 
of  de  North,  East,  South  an'  West  am  cryin  out  at 
de  increase  of  of  crime  an'.de  laxity  of  law.  Judges 
an'  juries  am  bein'  plainly  told  dat  dis  turnin'  loose 
of  red-handed  criminals  must  stop  or  de  people  will 
resort  to  lynch  law,  an'  in  many  cases  de  long-suf- 
f erin'  people  hev  dun  taken  de  law  inter  deir  own 
hands  an'  left  de  criminals  dangling  to  de  limbs  of 
trees  or  lamp-posts.  From  de  press  an'  workshop 
comes  a  cry  for  reform,  an'  men  am  axin'  each  od 
der  whar  de  root  of  de  evil  lies.  Heah  am  a  letter 
from  Ohio  axin'  me  how  I  feel  about  it  an'  what  I 
hev  to  recommend. 

"  Listen  to  me.  Kin  you  name  one  single  lawyer 
in  dis  kentry,  outside  of  de  salaried  Prosecuting  At 
torneys,  who  has  any  fame  as  a  defender  of  de  law 
an' a  convicter  of  criminals?  Not  one!  On  de  od 
der  hand  you  kin  name  hundreds  who  have  grown. 


274  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.    * 

rich  an'  famous  by  pullin'  thieves,  burglars  an'  mur 
derers  freu  de  meshes  of  de  law.  To  be  a  lawyer  is 
to  be  a  law-breaker — not  a  law  defender.  To  be  a 
lawyer  is  to  be  a  man,  who,  fur  mo'  or  less  money, 
will  attempt  to  shield  de  man  who  steals  his  own 
f adder's  corpse  from  de  grave  an'  sells  it  $o  de  sur 
geons.  To  be  a  lawyer  is  to  be  a  man  who  will 
break  up  the  happiest  family  fur  a  $20  greenback. 
Ef  you  hate  your  nay  bur  go  to  de  lawyer  an'  he  will 
tell  you  how  to  pla;y  him  some  dirty  trick.  Ef  a 
newspaper  tells  de  truf  'bout  you,  go  to  a  lawyer  an' 
he  will  start  a  libel  suit  on  'speckulashun.  Ef  you 
want  your  wife  sent  to  a  mad-house,  any  lawyer 
will  fix  de  case  fur  $50.  Steal,  rob,  murder,  an'  law 
yers  will  rush  to  your  prison  cell  to  get  a  fee  for  de- 
fendin' you.  Our  cities  am  full  of  gamblers.  Why? 
'Kase  de  lawyers  encourage  'em.  Embezzlement 
has  become  de  rule.  Why?  Kase  de  lawyer  settles 
de  case  fur  a  per  cent,  an'  de  embezzler  comes  out 
of  it  wid  a  character  as  pure  as  de  snow.  Who 
started  de  insanity  dodge?  De  lawyers.  Who  en 
courage  divorces?  De  lawyers.  Who  encourage 
crime  in  all  its  phases?  De  lawyers.  You  kin  not 
hire  de  lowest,  poorest  black  man  to  do  fur  money 
what  lawyers  am  doin'  every  day.  De  public  am 
deir  prey.  Misfortune  am  deir  opportunity,  ah'  man's 
weakness  am  deir  glory  aa'  profit.  De  public  law 
has  no  majesty  in  deir  eyes — de  fireside  grief  rouses 
no  sentiment  in  deir  hearts.  Whar  dar  am  no  law 
yers  dar  am  no  litigashun  an'  but  few  crimes.  Our 
judiciary,  in  too  many  cases,  from  Justice  of  de 
Peace  cl'ar  up,  am  ventitled  to  no  man's  reverence 
an'  may  well  fall  under  every  man's  suspicshuns, 
Too  many  lawyers  am  black-legs,  who  deserve  prison 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  275 

bars,  an'  many  of  our  courts  am  nuffin  better  dan 
dens  of  robbers  an'  black-mailers.  Dat's  all  fur  dis 
time,  an?  we  will  now  impel  ourselves  upon  de  reg'- 
lar  order  of  bizness." 

DON'T   NEED   ANY. 

The  Secretary  announced  a  communication  from 
Prof.  Pecan  Thomas,  of  Texas,  offering  to  come  to 
Detroit  and  deliver  five  lectures  before  the  Club  on 
the  subject  of  "  The  Benefits  of  Philosophy,"  pro 
viding  that  the  Club  would  pay  his  running  expenses 
and  guarantee  him  a  purse  of  $100. 

"We  can't  spar'  de  money,  an'  we  doan'  need  de 
philosophy,"  said  Brother  Gardner  in  reply.  "No 
doubt  philosophy  has  its  benefits:  but  a  determined 
man,  armed  wid  de  Baptist  religun  an'  a  new  white 
wash  brush,  kin  work  all  aroun'  philosophy  six  days 
in  de  week,  an'  wake  up  wid  a  cl'ar  head  on  Sunday 
mornin'.  When  taters  am  a  dollar  a  bushel  an' . 
risin',  two  shillins  in  cash  will  go  furder  dan  sixteen 
lectures  on  de  purtiest  philosophy  eber  stood  up  in  a 
nine-pin  alley  to  be  knocked  down  by  de  cold  han' 
of  hunger.' 

NOT  ON  THAT  LAY. 

The  Secretary  of  the  Scientific  and  Research 
Association  of  St  Louis,  composed  of  twenty-one 
barbers  and  a  cook,  forwarded  a  communication  to 
the  Club,  asking  in  the  name  of  the  colored  people  of 
America,  a  contribution  of  $50  in  cash  towards  an 
other  attempt  to  discover  the  North  Pole. 

.Samuel  Shin  bobbed  up  to  say  that  he  favored  the 
project,  but  one  look  settled  him  back,  and  on  the 
matter  being  put  to  a  vote,  every  one  of  the  129  mem- 


276  THE  LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

ders  voted  dead  against  it.  If  the  colored  people  of 
America  do  any  discovering  during  the  next  three 
or  four  years,  they  will  not  have  to  divide  the 
honors  with  the  Lime-Kiln  Clnb. 

THEY  WILL  AGREE. 

The  Chairman  of  the  Committee  on  Internal 
Harmony  reported  that  his  committee  had  met  a 
committee  appointed  by  the  State  Legislature,  and 
had  come  to  a  perfect  understanding  all  around. 
The  legislative  body  had  agreed: 

1.  To  take  no  steps  to  raise  the  poll-tax  on  colored 
men,  without  the  assent  of  the  Club. 

2.  To  place  no  impediment  in  the  way  of  introduc 
ing  artistic  whitewashing  into  school  boards. 

3.  To  name  all  ^new  mountains,  lakes  and  volca 
noes    discovered    in    this    State    after    prominent 
colored  persons  to  be  named  by  the  Club. 

The  Committee  had  agreed  on  the  part  of  the  Club? 

1.  Not  to  demand  exemption  from  jury  service  on 
account  of  ignorance. 

2.  To  restrain  the  number  of  dogs  in  a  family  to 
six. 

3.  Not  to  interfere  with  the  next  Senatorship. 
Thus,  by  the  exercise  of  a  little  diplomatic  courtesy 

and  common  sense,  these  two  powerful  bodies  will 
work  together  for  the  common  good,  and  the  result 
cannot  be  over-estimated. 

WILL    SEE  ABOUT   IT. 

The  Secretary  further  announced  the  receipt  of  a 
communication  from  the  "  Malone  Corners  Prevari 
cating  Society,"  of  Tennessee,  asking  to  be  taken  in 
to  the  Lime-Kiln  Club  in  a  body. 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

Giveadam  Jones  moved  to  suspend  the  rules  and 
vote  the  society  in,  but  the  Rev.  Penstock  objected, 
lie  said  that  a  prevaricator  was  a  liar,  and  he 
thought  the  Club  had  all  the  liars  it  could  take  care 
of. 

Judge  Juneblossom  jumped  up  and  wanted  to 
know  if  that  was  a  personal  fling  at  him.  Col. 
Rainbow  Smith  followed  suit,  and  in  a  minute  forty 
members  were  on  their  feet  waving  their  hands, 
shaking  their  fists  and  yelling  at  the  top  of  their 
voices.  During  the  parliamentary  excitement  one 
of  the  bear-traps  fell  down,  and  struck  old  man  Col 
lins  on  the  neck,  and  tbe  bust  of  Andrew  Jackson 
made  a  jump  for  Pickles  Smith  and  laid  him  out, 
and  somebody  upset  the  sleeping  Elder  Toots  and 
incited  him  to  yell  "murder!"  at  the  top  of  his 
voice.  Order  could  not  be  restored  until  the  Presi 
dent  picked  up  a  four-pound  weight  and  threatened 
to  let  it  slide  down  the  center  aisle.  It  was  then  de 
cided  to  refer  the  matter  to  a  Special  Committee, 
and  the  President  added: 

"  Brudder  Penstock,  do  not  be  too  ready  to  charge 
humanity  wid  lyin'  an'  deceivin'.  Brudder  June- 
blossom,  do  not  be  too  quick  to  believe  dat  you  am 
de  only  liar  an'  prevaricator  in  dis  Club.  All  men 
lie  an'  all  women  prevaricate.  We  expect  'em  to, 
an'  in  many  cases  we  respect  'em  for  it." 

RULES   SUSPENDED. 

At  this  moment  the  Janitor  entered  with  a  tele 
gram  from  Comecloser  Peters,  of  Baltimore,  asking 
that  his  name  be  presented  for  membership.  Mr. 
Peters  is  known  throughout  the  State  of  Maryland 
as  the  only  colored  man  in  the  South  who  can  whis- 


278  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

tie  six  different  tunes  on  his  thumb-nail.  He  is  an 
orator,  a  great  financier,  and  makes  "pig"  rhyme 
with  "everlasting"  when  writing  poetry. 

On  motion  of  Royal  Purple  Saunders  the  rules 
were  suspended  and  Mr.  Peters  was  made  a  mem 
ber. 

REPORTS. 

Owing  to  the  great  interest  taken  in  the  celebra 
tion  of  the  Fourth  by  the  members  of  the  Club,  the 
various  committees  were  behind  in  their  reports  and 
had  nothing  to  submit.  The  President  stated  his 
hopes  that  all  committees  would  settle  down  to  bus 
iness  at  once,  and  after  reproving  Samuel  Shin  for 
asserting  in  a  crowd  that  his  forefathers  died  in  the 
cause  of  liberty,  and  severely  reprimanding  Pickles 
Smith  for  asserting  that  Fourth  of  July  was  no  better 
than  Christmas,  the  meeting  walked  down  stairs 
while  the  Glee  Club  sang:  "'Twas  the  Midnight 
Howl  of  a  Baby." 


THE  INFLUENCE  OF  MUSIC. 

"I  HAS  received  a  letter  from  Boston,"  slowly  re 
marked  Brother  Gardner  as  he  squinted  from  Samuel 
Shin  to  Waydown  Bebee.  "I  has  received  a  letter 
from  Boston  axin'  me  fur  my  observashuns  on  de  in- 
flooence  of  music  on  mankind.  I  reply  dat  man 
kind  widout  music  would  be  chawin'  each  odder  up 
in  half  a  day.  Music  am  de  stone  wall  dat  surrounds 
marcy.  peace,  charity  and  humanity.  Only  last 
week  I  war  writin'  down  my  observashuns  fur  de 
last  forty-seven  y'ars,  an'  I  will  gib  dem  to  de  public 
as  follows: 


THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB.  279 

"  De  sound  of  a  horse-fiddle  brings  up  old  recko- 
leckshuns  an'  starts  de  tears  of  regret.  If  played 
long  'nuff,  an'  de  mind  am  in  de  right  direckshun,  it 
will  cause  de  listener  to  shell  out  a  subscripshun  of 
$3,000  to'rds  a  new  cull'd  Baptist  Church.  Try  it 
once  an'  be  convinced. 

"  De  sound  of  a  harp  hits  a  man  below  de  belt. 
He  begins  to  fink  of  all  de  mean  fings  he  ever  did, 
an'  to  wish  he  hadn't,  an'  at  de  eand  of  fifteen  min- 
its  he  am  all  ready  to  step  ober  an'  pay  his  nayburs 
a  dollar  apiece  fur  de  hens  he  shot  in  his  garden  las' 
spring. 

"De  sound  of  de  fiddle  grabs  on  to  seben  differ 
ent  heart  strings  to  once,  an'  a  man  am  knocked  so 
flat  dat  he  will  esteem  it  a  privilege  to  len'  you  $10. 

"  The  jewsharp  goes  right  to  de  soul.  If  your  wife 
am  all  ready  to  'lope  off  wid  de  hired  man  de  notes 
of  de  jewsharp  will  take  her  bonnet  off  in  sixteen 
seconds.  If  you  keep  a  hired  man  you  should  also 
keep  a  jewsharp. 

"Pianer  music  sometimes  hits  and  sometimes 
misses.  Ize  known  it  to  make  an  old  bald-head  go 
home  an'  pass  two  hull  hours  widout  cuffin'  de  chill'- 
en,  an'  Ize  known  it  to  cause  a  young  gal  to  slide 
down  ober  de  roof  of  de  kitchen  an'  'lope  off  wid  de 
owner  of  a  side-show. 

"  De  guitar  always  brings  sadness  an'  a  resolushun 
to  begin  on  de  1st  of  January  to  quit  runin'  out 
nights  an'  playin'  policy. 

"De  brass  band  might  soothe  a  sorrowin'  soul  if 
de  said  sorrowin'  soul  didn't  have  all  he  could  do  to 
hold  his  hoss. 

"De  molodeon  used  to  produce  a  desire  on  de  part 
of  de  listener  to  be  buried  under  a  yew-yew  tree,  but 


280  THE   LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

I  h'ar  dey  have  improved  it  so  dat  a  pusson  had  as 
lief  be  buried  under  a  basswood. 

"  De  organ  fills  de  soul  widawe  an'  strikes  de  her 
oic  chord.  If  you  am  layin'  fur  a  man  doan'  tackle 
him  just  arter  he  has  been  takin'  in  de  note  of  an 
organ. 

"  De  banjo — yum!  If  you  want  my  dog — my  hoss 
—my  house  an'  lot,  play  me  de  banjo  an'  keep  time 
wid  yer  fut.  I  spect  de  music  of  de  anjelic  harps 
am  sweet  an'  soft  an'  dreamy,  but  if  dey  want  to 
keep  us  cull'd  folks  satisfied  up  dar  a  leetle  mo'  banjo 
an'  a  leetle  less  harp  am  de  fust  prescription.  Let  us 
now  attack  de  bizness  of  de  meetin'." 

NIPPED   IN  THE  BUD. 

A  hotel  keeper  in  Leesburg,  Va.,  notified  the  Club 
that  on  a  late  date  a  colored  man,  wearing  two  dia 
mond  pins,  three  watch  chains  and  other  evidences 
of  the  string  game,  called  at  his  hotel  to  engage 
board  for  four  weeks,  and  gave  his  name  as  Trustee 
Fullback,  of  the  Lime  Kiln  Club.  When  his  land 
lord  asked  him  which  eye  Brother  Gardner  was  blind 
of,  the  fellow  took  to  his  heels,  and  although  pursued 
for  three  miles  by  two  men  and  a  dog,  he  eluded 
them  in  a  blackberry  patch. 

A  CLOSE    SHAVE. 

"  Am  brudder  Blue  Glass  Henderson  in  de  Hall  to 
night?"  blandly  inquired  the  President,  as  he  stood 
up  and  looked  around. 

"Yes,  sah." 

"  Will  you  please  step  dis  way?" 

The  brother  stepped.  He  didn't  seem  easy  in 
his  mind  and  he  kept  his  eyes  on  the  colfee-pot  once 


THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB.  281 

owned  by  the  poet  Milton  instead  of  facing  the  Presi 
dent. 

"  Brudder  Henderson,  you  war  in  a  butcher-shop 
on  Beaubien  street  las'  Wednesday  forenoon?" 

"Yes,  sah." 

"  When  you  went  out  de  butcher  missed  two  slices 
of  ham,  an'  you  war  follered  an  sarched." 

"Yes.  sah." 

"  In  one  of  your  coat-tail  pockets  dey  found,  not 
de  two  slices  of  ham,  but  a  pound  and  a  half  of  beef." 

"Yes,  sah." 

"  You  couldn't  tell  whar  you  got  dat  beef  to  save 
your  life,  an'  you  let  de  butcher  keep  it." 

"Yes,  sah,  but  de  charge  was  stealin'  ham." 

"  Jist  so,  Brudder  Henderson,  jist  so.  Dey  missed 
ham  an'  dey  found  beef.  It  am  plain  'nuff  dat  you 
didn't  take  de  goods  charged  but  I  want  you  to  un- 
derstan'  dat  when  dey  miss  ham  an'  find  beef  on  a 
member  of  dis  Club  dat  member  has  had  de  werry 
closest  sort  of  a  shave  from  bein'  bounced  off'n  our 
books  an'  outer  de  Hall.  Take  your  seat,  sah,  an' 
let  dis  be  de  awfullest  kind  of  a  warnin'  to  you." 

THE  WEATHER. 

The  following  streak  of  weather  can  be  looked  for 
this  week. 

SUNDAY — Pretty  fair,  considering  that  it  has  to 
spread  out  over  the  whole  United  States  and  Canada. 

MONDAY — A  little  off,  but  good  enough  for  wash 
day. 

TUESDAY — Opens  to  a  large  house  and  gives  gen 
eral  satisfaction  as  far  west  as  Omaha,  and  that's  as 
far  as  good  weather  is  expected  to  go. 


283  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

WEDNESDAY — Signs  of  autumn;  coal  dealer  says 
he  wants  the  amount  of  the  old  bill  first.  Thunder 
showers  in  the  Gulf  States.  Persimmons  fair  eating 
in  Virginia,  and  Michigan  watermelons  come  under 
the  wire  ahead. 

THURSDAY — No  fish. 

FRIDAY — Next  door  to  being,  a  spooney  day. 
Opaque  atmosphere  in  the  New  England  States,  and 
all  the  women  look  lantern-jawed. 

SATURDAY — Comes  up  to  the  scratch  smiling,  but 
no  go.  Wants  to  snow,  but  concludes  to  rain.  Sort 
of  dreariness  settles  down  over  the  country,  and 
cats  usher  in  the  evening  with  wild,  glad  yells. 


A  CHAMPION. 

"  Am  Construction  White  in  de  Hall  dis  evenin'?" 
softly  inquired  the  President  as  the  hush  came. 

•'Yes,  sah,"  answered  a  voice  from  the  back  end 
of  the  room,  and  Brother  White  made  his  way  to 
the  platform  with  a  look  of  puzzled  wonder  on  his 
face. 

"  Construction  White,"  continued  the  President, 
after  drawing  a  long  breath,  "  I  understan'  dat  you 
have  become  a  champion." 

"  I — I — I  dunno,  sah/'  stammered  the  Brother. 

"  I  understan'  dat  you  claim  to  be  able  to  lift  mo' 
wid  your  teef  dan  any  odder  man  in  America.  One 
of  de  local  papers  say  dat  you  kin  lift  280  poun's  wid 
your  jaws,  an'  dat  you  kin  sustain  your  own  weight 
seben  minits  by  cotchin'  a  strap  in  your  mouf." 

"  I — I  'spect  dat's  so,  sah." 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  283 

"Brudder  White,  dis  Club  doan'  go  a  cent  on 
champions.  Champion  rowers  am  simply  crooks. 
Champion  wrestlers  am  only  loafers  wid  clean  shirts 
on.  De  champion  runner  am  sooner  or  later  an  in 
mate  of  de  workhouse.  De  champion  walker  walks 
away  from  his  bo'd  bill.  Show  me  a  so-called 
champion  an'  I'll  show  you  a  bad  citizen.  Brudder 
White,  you  am  a  man  wid  an  iron  jaw." 

1  'Yes,  sah." 

"  Use  dat  jaw  properly  an'  men  will  bless  you. 
You  have  a  wide  field  befo'  you.  You  kin  help  to 
tear  down  houses  wid  dat  jaw.  You  kin  tow  schoon 
ers  up  an'  down  de  riber  wid  profit  to  yourself  an' 
pleasure  to  commerce.  You  kin  help  de  firemen— 
you  kin  aid  de  police — you  need  have  no  fear  of  bit- 
in'  off  mo'  dan  you  kin  chaw.  Do  dis  quietly  an' 
modestly,  an'  widout  any  blowin'  of  ho'ns.  Bite 
honestly  when  you  strike  a  railroad  spike,  an'  chaw 
on  de  squar'  when  you  git  hold  of  a  piece  of  sheet- 
iron.  Do  dis,  an'  we  shall  be  glad  dat  you  are 
among  us.  Start  out  as  a  champion,  an'  off  goes 
your  name  f  rqrn  our  books.  You  kin  now  return  to 
your  seat  an'  analize  yer  thoughts,  an'  decide  what 
course  you  will  adopt." 

THEY  ARE  FRAUDS. 

The  Secretary  announced  a  letter  under  the  blood 
red  seal,  from  the  council  chamber  of  the  Gee-haw- 
haw  Club,  of  Jersey  City,  stating  that  six  individu 
als  who  professed  to  hold  membership  in  the  Lime- 
Kiln  Club  had  applied  to  the  Gee-haw-haw  Club  for 
admission.  The  matter  was  laid  on  the  table  until 
the  names  could  be  forwarded  for  identification. 


284  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

Brother  Gardner  at  once  denounced  each  and  ev 
ery  one  a  fraud  of  the  second  water.  No  such  per 
sons  ever  belonged  to  the  Lime-Kiln  Club,  and  the 
only  one  of  them  who  ever  made  application  was  re 
jected  for  walking  home  with  a  smoked  ham  which 
belonged  to  another  man.  Societies  all  over  the 
country  are  warned  against  any  person  who  claims 
to  belong  to  the  Lime-Kiln  Club  who  cannot  show  a 
certificate  in  which  the  word  correct  is  spelled  with 
a  big  "K.» 

SIXTY   COPIES  WANTED. 

Trustee  Fullback  stated  that  he  had  received-a  let 
ter  from  Escanaba,  Mich.,  to  the  effect  that  an  Esca- 
naba  editor  had  in  press  a  history  of  the  colored 
troops  in  the  war.  It  would  be  a  book  of  200  pages, 
illustrated  with  150  cuts  of  the  said  editor  leading 
the  gallant  sjun-burned  Africans  into  carnage,  and 
would  probably  be  sold  for  a  dollar. 

On  motion  of  Samuel  Shin  it  was  resolved  that  the 
Kime-Kiln  Club  order  sixty  copies  of  the  forthcom 
ing  work,  and  an  amendment  inviting  the  editor  to 
lecture  before  the  Club  and  describe  his  experiences 
in  thirty-four  battles  was  likewise  adopted. 

THE  EASTERN  QUESTION. 

Elder  Toots  said  he  arose  in  the  interests  of  har 
mony  and  peace,  and  to  inquire  if  the  American 
Government  had  meddled  or  proposed  to  meddle 
with  the  eastern  question. 

The  President  replied  that  this  government  was 
represented  in  Turkish  waters  by  two  naval  vessels, 
and  that  Uncle  Sam  seemed  to  itch  to  be  counted  in. 


THE  LIME-KILN   CLUB.  285 

The  Elder  then  offered  a  resolution  to  the  effect 
that  in  the  opinion  of  the  Lime-Kiln  Club  the  less 
this  government  meddled  with  foreign  affairs  the 
more  it  would  please  the  great  majority,  and  the 
same  was  adopted  by  a  vote  of  84  to  1 — Sorghum 
Clydebottom  voting  in  the  negative  to  spite  Pickles 
Smith  for  stepping  on  his  heel. 

REPORTS. 

The  Committee  on  Internal  Harmony  reported 
a  peaceful  state  of  affairs  throughout  the  entire 
country. 

The  Committee  on  Agriculture  had  received  re 
ports  fr.om  the  peanut  and  melon  crop  which  de 
lighted  their  hearts. 

The  Committee  on  Judiciary  reported  a  marked 
decrease  of  crime  in  most  of  the  States,  and  recom 
mended  the  passage  of  a  law  by  the  several  States 
making  the  crime  of  murder  a  punishable  offense. 

The  Committee  on  Astronomy  had  seen  the  comet 
and  observed  the  spots  on  the  sun,  but  were  not  pre 
pared  to  say  that  either  affair  had  any  influence  on 
the  weather  or  the  general  welfare.  It  was  their  be 
lief  that  if  the  heavens  were  allowed  to  run  their 
own  machine  things  would  come  out  all  right. 

The  Librarian  reported  that  he  had  received  three 
new  books  from  Boston  treating  on  the  vegetable 
kingdom,  and  a  further  supply  of  almanacs  of  the 
date  of  1857. 

The  Keeper  of  the  Sacred  Relics  reported  the  re 
ceipt  of  a  plaster  cast  of  the  head  of  Plato,  which 
showed  the  old  man  to  be  very  level-headed,  a  knife 
carried  by  DeSoto.  and  vest  buckle  supposed  to  have 
been  lost  by  Napoleon  in  his  retreat  from  Moscow, 


286  THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

All  the  other  general  business  of  the  country  was 
then  placed  in  the  refrigerator  and  the  meeting  went 
home. 


PROF.  ARTICHOKE  HUGGINS. 

"  WHAT  I  desire  to  say,"  began  Brother  Gardner, 
as  the  meeting  opened,  "am  to  de  effeck  dat  Prof. 
Artichoke  Huggins  am  in  de  ante-room  an'  ready  to 
appear  before  us  an'  deliver  his  celebrated  lecture  on 
'  Am  Life  Wuth  de  Livin'  Fur.'  De  Professor  am  a 
resident  of  Arkansas,  in  which  state  he  has  won 
seben  silver  medals  fur  makin'  de  longest  jumps  on 
record.  He  arrove  here  from  Chicago  last  night  on 
a  mixed  train,  paid  a  boy  two  shillins  to  show  him 
de  way  to  my  house,  an'  so  fur  as  I  kin  judge  from 
his  talk  an'  de  way  he  combs  his  hair,  de  man  am  a 
scholar  an'  a  gem'len.  Sir  Isaac  Walpole,  you  an' 
Giveadam  Jones  will  put  on  yer  white  kids,  blue 
neckties  an'swaller-tailed  coats  an'  escort  Prof.  Hug- 
gins  inter  de  Hall." 

The  brothers  mentioned  retired  to  the  dressing- 
room  and  donned  their  State  apparel,  and  after  the 
lapse  of  a  few  minutes  they  appeared  in  the  Hall 
with  the  Professor  between  them.  As  he  mounted 
the  platform  and  was  received  by  Brother  Gardner 
he  appeared  to  be  a  man  about  five  feet  ten  inches 
high,  prominent  nose,  retiring  chin,  eyes  about  the 
color  of  boiler-iron,  and  dressed  in  faultless  taste. 
After  slipping  a  troche  into  his  mouth  he  bowed  im 
pressively  and  began: 

"My  friends,  it  pleases  me  exceedingly  to  behold 
sjch  a.  va.st  sea  of  intellectual  faces  befo'  me.  [Sen- 


THE  LIME-KILN   CLUB.  287 

sation.j  I  kin  almost  emagine  myself  looking  down 
de  aisle  of  de  Senate  Chamber  of  de  United  States. 
[More  sensation.]  De  question:  'Am  Life  Wuth  de 
Libin'  Fur?'  has  often  been  axed,  an'  I  believe  that 
several  parties  besides  me  have  put  de  same  query 
from  de  rostrum.  [Cheers  by  Samuel  Shin,  who 
had  no  idea  what  the  word  rostrum  meant.]  But  I 
claim  to  be  de  only  pusson  in  dis  kentry  who  takes 
de  negative  side  of  dis  momenchus  inquiry.  In  de 
fust  place  we  am  bo'n.  De  fust  year  of  our  life  am 
spent  in  cry  in'  wid  pain  an'  sorrow.  We  see  ghosts. 
We  have  bad  dreams.  We  am  seized  by  de  colic. 
Our  froats  am  tunnels  down  which  dey  pour  soothin' 
syrup,  paregoric,  sweet  milk  an'  what  not,  an'  we 
wish  we  was  dead.  [Sobs  by  Pickles  Smith,  who 
lately  lost  his  grandfather.]  What  comfort  does 
any  boy  or  gal  take  up  to  de  aige  of  fifteen  y'ars? 
Not  a  bit.  De  boys  git  licked  an'  de  gals  git  spanked 
an'  dey  fall  down  stairs,  have  de  chicken-pox,  git 
boxed  up  wid  de  mumps,  an'  have  to  w'ar  clothes 
which  have  been  cut  over  an'  dyed.  [Sensation  by 
Giveadarn  Jones  as  he  recalled  old  recollections.] 

"  From  de  aige  of  fifteen  to  twenty,"  continued 
the  orator,  after  pulling  down  his  vest,  "  life  am  full 
of  love  an'  jealousy  an'  bad  fittin'  coats,  an'  gwine 
to  funerals,  an'  stayin  home  from  circuses.  Jist  as 
a  young  man  gits  to  thinkin'  dat  he  am  happy  lie 
diskivers  dat  his  sleeve  buttons  am  fifteen  seconds 
behind  de  style,  or  dat  his  butes  am  de  hundredth 
part  of  an  inch  too  long,  or  dat  his  coat  wrinkles  in 
de  back.  [Groans  from  Trustee  Fullback,  who  re 
membered  when  he  was  learning  the  barber's  trade 
in  Richmond.] 


288  THE  LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

"From  twenty  to  thirty  we  get  married,"  contin 
ued  the  Professor  as  a  sad  smile  crossed  his  face. 
"  We  love  an'  court  an'  hire  libery  rigs  an'  buy  can 
dy  an'  marry.  What  am  de  result?  [Groans  from 
all  over  the  Hall.]  We  have  to  pay  house  rent,  an' 
buy  wood,  an'  go  to  meetin'  an'  git  trusted  fur  gro 
ceries,  an'  puts  up  wid  kicks  an'  cuffs  an'  howlin' 
babies  an'  a  hull  doahyard  full  of  miseries.  [Long- 
drawn  sighs  from  eighty-four  members.] 

"  Den  we  grow  old,  an'  we  take  snuff  an'  smoke 
clay  pipes  an'  spit  on  de  ca'pet  an'  jaw  de  chill'en, 
and  finally  die.  [Tears  from  Waydown  Bebee.j 
Dat's  life  an'  its  eand.  Whar's  de  comfort?  What 
have  we  f oun'  wuth  livin'  fur?  How  much  better  if 
we  had  bin  trees,  or  fence-posts,  or  picket  fences! 
Life  am  a  mad  struggle.  [Sighs.]  We  come  up 
like  a  sunflower  an'  am  cut  down.  [Faint  groans.] 
To-day  we  may  win  de  big  turkey  at  de  raffle — to 
morrow  we  may  have  to  pawn  our  overcoat  to  keep 
de  stove  gwine,  [Significant  winks  and  nods.] 

"  My  friends,  thankin'  you  fur  your  airnest  an'  in 
explicable  attenshun,  an'  trustin'  dat  my  feeble  re 
marks  will  be  productive  of  overwhelmin'  profit,  I 
return  you  my  heartfelt  sympathies  and  resoom  my 
seat." 

For  half  a  minute  there  was  deep  silence.  Then 
Pickles  Smith  stood  up  and  waved  the  empty  water- 
pail  around  his  head,  and  the  enthusiasm  broke  forth 
and  lasted  so  long  that  six  policemen  gathered  on  the 
corner  and  a  barrel  of  beans  was  upset  in  the  grg- 
eery  bek>w. 


THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB.  289 

ANOTHER   IMPOSTER. 

After  quietness  had  been  restored  and  the  an 
nouncement  made  that,  owing  to  the  lateness  of  the 
hour,  no  election  would  be  held,  the  Secretary  read 
the  following: 

PORTLAND,  ME.,  January  8,  1882. 

BROTHER  GARDNER — A  man  claiming  to  be  Elder  Toots  has 
been  canvasing  the  colored  population  of  this  city  soliciting  sub 
scriptions  to  aid  the  schools  in  Liberia.  He  is  a  man  about  fifty 
years  of  age,  with  a  proclivity  forgetting  drunk.  He  has  secured 
several  contributions.  Will  you  state  through  the  columns  of  the 
FREE  PRESS  if  he  is  the  original  Elder  V 

And  oblige, 

SINCERITY  JONES,  2d, 
Secretary  Atlantic  Division  Lime-Kiln  Club. 

The  anger  of  Elder  Toots  broke  out  as  soon  as  the 
Secretary  had  finished  reading.  He  waved  his  arms, 
jumped  up  and  down  in  his  tracks,  and  but  for  the 
sudden  discovery  that  he  had  lost  a  pound  of  pork 
bought  before  the  meeting  and  placed  in  his  coat- 
tail  pocket  to  carry  home  for  breakfast,  he  might 
have  become  a  victim  of  apoplexy. 

Brother  Gardner  said  that  the  Portland  man  was 
a  red,  white  and  blue  imposter  of  the  deepest  dye, 
and  the  Secretary  was  instructed  to  offer  a  reward 
of  $25  to  any  vigilance  commitsee  who  would  catch 
and  hang  him. 


CTJSSIN'    DE    TIMES. 


'Dis  mawnin'  ez  I  war  walkin'  out  'mong  de  sun 
flowers  in  de  back  yard,"  began  Brother  Gardner,  as 
the  Janitor  finally  got  through  sneezing,  "  Misser 


290  THE  LIME-KILN   CLUB. 

Darius  Green,  de  white  man,  came  'long,  an'  dere 
was  a  powerful  sad  look  on  his  face  ez  he  leaned 
ober  de  fence  an'  said: 

"  '  Misser  Gardner,  dis  sufferin'  hez  got  tercome  to 
a  cease!' 

"  *  Hez  you  got  de  shakes  an'  chills,  I  axed?' 

"  '  Wuss  dan  dat,  Misser  Gardner.  Ize  workin' 
all  de  long  week  fur  ten  shillin'  a  day,  an'  whar  de 
money  goes  I  can't  tell.  De  ole  woman  wants  new 
clothes,  de  chillin'  wants  dis  an'  dat,  de  rent  runs  be- 
hin',  an'  Fze  gittin,  desperit.' 

"  '  Shoo  !  now,  but  let's  make  some  figgers  on  de 
fence,'  I  tole  him.  '  Now  den,  you  chew  terbacker?' 

"  '  Yes,  I  chew  'bout  ten  cents'  worf  a  day.' 

"  '  Dat's  seventy  cents  a  week  !' 

"  '  An'  you  drink  lager?' 

"  'Well,  of  course  I  drink  a  glass  now  an'  den — 
maybe  fifteen  glasses  a  week!' 

"  '  Dat's  seventy-five  cents  moah  sah.' 

" '  What  d'ye  do  on  Sundays  ?' 

(> '  Oh,  go  up  to  de  beer  garden.' 

<e '  An'  you  spen'  a  dollar  at  least? " 

v< '  I  guess  so — maybe  two  of  'em.' 

"'Say  twelve  shillins,  an'  dat  makes  two  dollars 
an  ninety-five  cents  per  week.  I  reckon  you  frow 
away  at  least  free  dollars  ebery  week  sah! ' 

"Frow  it  away.' 

' '  Yes  sah.  Dat  money  would  pay  your  rent  an' 
buy  your  flour.' 

"  '  But  a  feller  must  hev  some  comfort.' 

"  '  De  same,  sah.  De  greatest  comfort  in  de  world 
am  to  see  de  rent  paid  up,  de  family  dressed  up,  de 
table  loaded  down,  an'  de  ole  woman  able  to  go  tq 
church.' 


THE  LIME-KILN   CLUB.  291 

"  '  You  frow  away  free  dollars  ebery  week,  sah, 
an'  den  you  go  roun'  cussin'  de  times,  de  wedder, 
an'  de  man  who  hez  saved  his  money.' 

"  Gem'len,  dat  white  man  called  me  an  ole  black 
fool,  an'  a  dog-stealer;  but  dat  didn't  alter  de  case  a 
bit.  He  is  frowin'  away  one-third  of  his  weekly 
wages,  an'  den  blowin'  'roun'  dat  he's  gittin'  desperit 
an'  ready  to  head  a  riot.  Doan  let  me  heah  eny 
member  o'  dis  club  spinnin'  dat  yarn,  kase  if  he 
does  dar's  gwine  to  be  a  committee  of  investigashun, 
an  dat  committee  won't  whitewash  wurf  a  cent ! " 


IT    PAYS    TO    BE    GOOD. 

THERE  was  great  excitement  in  Paradise  Hall  as 
the  members  began  to  assemble.  A  Lithograph 
Company  had  for  weeks  been  engaged  in  getting 
out  a  chromo  entitled  "Passing  the  Bean-box  in 
Paradise  Hall."  The  chromo  shows  the  entire  in 
terior  of  the  Hall,  and  the  forms  and  faces  of  sixty 
or  seventy  members. 

The  first  chromo  printed  was  sent  to  the  Janitor  of 
the  club,  to  be  exhibited,  and  to  say  that  the  promi 
nent  members  were  pleased,  gratified,  knocked 
down  and  dragged  out,  would  not  cover  the  case. 

Giveadam  Jones,  who  looks  the  hero  and  states 
man  that  he  is,  said  of  the  chromo,  "  fto  respectable 
family  should  be  without  one." 

Samuel  Shin,  who  has  his  seat  beneath  the  bear- 
trap,  looked  the  picture  over  carefully  fourteen 
times,  and  then  observed,  "  Children  will  cry  for  it 
in  every  county  in  America," 


292  THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB.     ' 

Waydown  Bebee's  eyes  glared  with  enthusiasm  as 
he  stood  and  contemplated  the  work  of  art,  and 
turning  to  Rev.  Penstock  he  softly  whispered,  "  We 
don't  look  as  beautiful  as  angels,  but  them  benign 
expreshuns  can't  be  beaten." 

Various  other  members  indulged  in  flattering  re 
marks,  and  when  Brother  Gardner  entered  the  Hall, 
there  was  hardly  a  dry  eye  in  the  house. 

He  stood  in  front  of  the  picture  in  earnest  contem 
plation  for  a  few  minutes,  and  then  walked  to  his 
accustomed  seat  and  opened  the  meeting  by  saying: 

"  It  pays  to  be  good.  Don't  be  too  good,  but  just 
good  'miff. 

"Christopher  Columbus  diskivered  America,  but 
has  he  eber  bin  put  in  a  chromo  ?  He  was  too  good. 
Cap.  Kidd,  de  pirate,  neber  eben  had  his  photograph 
on  sale.  Why?  Kase  he  was  too  bad.  My  advice 
to  you  is  to  hit  de  happy  neutral  groun'  between 
Columbus  and  Kidd.  One  was  too  good  to  want  to 
knock  somebody's  head  off  arter  stubbing  his  toe  on 
a  stone;  de  odder  was  too  bad  to  subscribe  fur  a 
religious  publication. 

As  I  tole  you  in  a  former  lecktur,  be  purty  good 
on  de  hull,  an'  a  leetle  bad  on  de  averaige.  If  you 
fin'  a  lost  wallet,  don't  give  it  up  until  you  have 
counted  de  money  in  it,  an'  have  de  bes'  of  proof  dat 
somebody  lost  it.  If  you  lose  your  own  wallet,  doanc 
expect  any  better  from  de  finder.  Doan'  be  profane, 
an'  yit  doan'  hesitate  to  giv'  de  English  language 
full  sweep  when  you  cotch  a  boy  girdlin'  your  apple 
trees. 

Honor  yer  fader  an  yer  mudder,  but  doan'  lend  de 
ole  man  any  money  onless  you  have  good  security. 
Cum  down  liberally  to  erect  churches,  but  if  you 


THE  LlME-KlLN  CLUB.  293 

have  any  brick  to  sell,  ask  de  contractor  full  price. 
Do  yer  dooty  by  orphan  asylums,  but  doan'  board 
any  orphans  fur  less  dan  $3  a  week.  Love  yer  nay- 
bur  as  thyself,  but  see  dat  he  returns  yer  shovel  an' 
spade  an'  rake  in  good  order,  or  make  him  pay  de 
retail  price. 

THE   WEATHER. 

The  report  was  accepted,  and  filed,  and  the  Chair 
man  of  the  Weather  Bureau  reported  the  following 
probabilities  for  the  coming  week: 

SUNDAY. — Purty  hot. 

MONDAY — Purty  hotter. 

TUESDAY — No  mere  signs  of  snow  than  yesterday. 

WEDNESDAY — Lemonade  with  a  stick  in  it. 

THURSDAY — Cut  on  the  bias  and  ornamented  with 
forty-six  buttons. 

FRIDAY — Rather  small-tailish,  but  good  enough 
for  common  folks. 

SATURDAY — Thunder  showers  in  the  morning  to 
strengthen  the  taste  of  onions,  and,  perhaps,  a  tor 
nado  in  the  Missouri  valley.  Fish  will  bite  well  in 
the  Lower  Lake  Region,  and  Sunday  School  picnics 
leaving  Duluth  should  carry  an  average  of  a  barrel 
of  lemonade  to  every  fat  woman.  The  day  closes 
cool  and  beautiful,  with  new  potatoes  down  to  forty 
cents  per  bushel. 

ON  THE  SICK. 

The  Chairman  of  the  Committee  on  the  Sick  re 
ported  as  follows: 

"  Dis  Committee  war  called  'pon  to  -walk  'roun'  to 
de  humble  cabin  of  Ephem'as  Sundown,  late  of  de 


294  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUft. 

Stait  of  Noo  York,  who  jined  himself  to  dis  yere 
Club  in  de  early  half  of  July.  When  we  got  dur  an' 
'spected  to  see  de  brudder  wid  his  eyes  rollin'  in  ag- 
erny,  we  foun'  we  was  on  de  wrong  plantashun. 
Misser  Sundown  said  it  was  his  sister-in-law  who 
was  sick  wid  de  ager  an'  in  want  of  quinine,  an'  he 
menshuned  de  fack  dat  he'd  be  much  obleeged  for 
about  two  dollars'  worf  of  relief.  Dis  Committee 
sot  down  on  de  ideah  to  once,  an'  Misser  Sundown 
was  radder  inclined  to  call  de  undersigned  human 
hyenas  of  de  latest  fall  fashun." 

"  It  may  do  dat  member  a  heap  o'  good  to  be 
walked  up  befo'  de  bear-trap,"  observed  Brother 
Gardner,  as  he  passed  the  report  along.  "  Dis  Club 
proposes  to  relieve  its  members  in  distress,  but 
when  it  comes  down  to  sister-in-law  de  motto  mus' 
be:  '  Let 'em  shake.'  Brudder  Sundown  hez  got  to 
be  talked  to." 

ON  EDUCATION. 

The  Committee  on  Education,  having  been  at  work 
for  the  past  three  weeks,  were  ready  to  submit  the 
following: 

11  Dis  Committee  hez  done  a  heap  of  walkin'  roun' 
an'  axin'  queshuns.  De  cause  of  eddercashun  can't 
be  put  in  a  bottle  an'  shook  up  an'  poured  out  into  a 
tumbler  wid  nutmeg  an'  sugar  in  de  dottom  of  it, 
same  as  politics  an'  finance.  We  moved  slowly, 
put  down  de  figgers  in  plain  English,  an'  we  arrove 
at  de  followin'  conclushuns: 

"  1.  Gin  de  pupils  forty  different  books  to  study. 
None  of  'em  hez  ober  thirty-five  now,  an'  dey  am 
wastin'  heaps  o'  preshus  time. 


THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB.  295 

u  2.  Change  de  skule  books  about  eight  times  a 
y'ar.  Dey  ain't  changed  but  once  in  two  months 
now,  an'  de  chill'en  get  tired  of  'em. 

"3.  Ebery  department  in  ebery  skule  ought  to 
have  exactly  fo'  hundred  rules.  Dey  have  only 
three  hundred  an'  eighty-five  apiece  now,  an'  dar's  a 
possibul  chance  dat  some  scholar  wilFgit  a  noshun 
dat  eddercashun  am  all  vanity*" 

THE  CLOSE. 

The  hour  for  adjournment  having  arrived,  and 
there  being  no  further  business  before  the  meeting, 
Brother  Gardner  said: 

"  Gem'len,  de  man  who  cheats  you  in  a  hoss-trade, 
or  sells  six  quarts  of  peaches  for  a  peck,  may  ride 
along  on  de  top  wave  for  a  time,  an'  he  may  puff 
out  an'  grow  fat  an'  be  de  biggest  gun  at  a  pole-rais 
in'  or  a  coroner's  inquest,  but  doan'  you  fool  yerself ! 
Justice  hez  got  her  eyes  sot  on  dat  chap,  an'  sooner 
or  later  he'll  come  down  like  a  satchel  from  a  bag 
gage  car." 


BBUDDER  HOWKER. 

"  WILL  Whalebone  Howker  please  step  dis  way?" 
inquired  Brother  Gardner  in  his  blandest  voice  as 
the  meeting  was  declared  open. 

Mr.  Howker  had  taken  a  seat  on  one  of  the  back 
benches  as  if  to  escape  observation.  He  moved  for 
ward  at  a  slow  pace,  and  finally  halted  in  front  of 
the  President's  desk. 

"  Brudder  Howker,"  continued  the  President,  "you 
am  past  de  noonday  of  life,  an'  it  grieves  me  to  hare 


296  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

to  call  you  up  heah  an'  tell  you  dat  yer  nayburs  find 
fault  wid  de  carryins  on  around  yer  cabin.  Dey 
complain  dat  you  fight  wid  your  wife,  keep  late  hours 
drink  too  much  whisky,  an'  dat  you  nebber  hev  a 
good  word  fur  any  man.  What  hev  you  to  say?" 

The  old  man  hung  his  head  and  was  silent. 

"You  war  a  slave,  an'  dat  am  some  excuse,  but 
befo'  mo'  gray  hairs  come  to  yer  head  you  hev  much 
to  1'arn.  If  ye  didn't  marry  fur  love  ye  hev  no  bizness 
libin'  wid  a  wife.  If  ye  did,  den  why  do  ye  quarrel 
wid  her?  If  ye  can't  agree — if  ye  can't  be  all  to 
each  odder — if  libin  togeder  keeps  yer  temper  up,  de 
best  thing  ye  can  do  am  to  walk  right  outer  dat 
cabin.  De  Lawcl  iieber  'tended  dat  man  an'  wife 
should  call  names  an'  pull  ha'r  an'  indulge  in  mid 
night  battles  wid  feet,  fists  an'  broomsticks." 

The  old  man  raised  his  head  to  speak,  but  the  words 
would  not  come. 

"  An'  so  you  drink  whiskey?  Ole  man,  ye  ar'  lay- 
in'  up  a  heap  o'  sorrow  fur  yer  last  y'ars!  Better 
put  power  under  yer  cabin  dan  whisky  down  yer 
f  roat.  It  am  a  hole  in  yer  pocket  summer  an'  win 
ter;  it  am  an  evil  voice  constantly  urgin'  ye  to  mis 
deeds;  it  am  a  gaunt  wolf  drinkin'  yer  blood;  it  am 
de  voice  of  misery  an'  poverty — de  clods  on  a  coffin 
furnished  by  de  Poo'-master!  Let  it  alone!  An'  so 
ye  slander  folks?  Whisky  an'  slander  go  togeder. 
Hev  ye  lived  fifty  long  years  widout  knowin'  dat  de 
sunshine  of  life  am  in  speakin'  good  words  to  an'  of 
yer  fellow  men?  All  men  hev  deir  faults  an'  weak 
nesses,  but  slander  won't  work  a  change.  If  we  ex 
pect  men  to  condone  our  faults  we  mus'  excuse  deirs. 
Go  home  an'  speak  well  of  yer  naybur  an'  dey  will 
speak  well  of  you.  Speak  kindly  to  dem,  an'  kind 


THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB.  297 

words  will  come  back.  Dar  am  fifty  million  souls 
in  dis  kentry,  Brudder  Howker,  but  yit  de  pusson 
who  am  determined  to  be  an  enemy  to  de  rest  will 
soon  come  to  feel  dat  he  am  all  alone  heah.  Make 
a  change,  Brudder  Howker — make  it  to-night.  Dis 
Club  hez  got  helpin'  hands  fur  any  man  who  wants 
to  be  a  man." 

COMMUNICATIONS. 

The  Secretary  announced  the  reception  of  a  letter 
from  the  Massachusetts  Horticultural  Society,  ask 
ing  the  Club  how  long  it  took  taffy  seed  to  sprout 
and  mature,  and  whether  they  produced  a  vine  or  a 
shrub. 

'"Deed,  I  doan'  'zactly  feel  posted  on  dat  queshun," 
replied  the  President  as  he  scratched  his  head.  "  Kin 
any  member  present  furnish  de  informashun?" 

"Misser  President,  Ize  surprised — yes  I  iz!"  an 
swered  the  Rev.  Penstock  as  he  arose.  "  I  want  to 
inquar',  sah,  if  de  honorable  President  of  dis  Club 
neber  heard  de  'spreshun  of  '  gibin  us  taffy?'  and  de 
talk  'bout  '  taffy  on  a  string? ' " 

The  silence  for  the  next  half  minute  was  so  deep 
that  every  breath  drawn  by  the  sleeping  Elder  Toots 
sounded  like  the  blowing  of  a  whale. 

"  Brudder  Penstock,"  observed  the  President  in  a 
low  voice.  "  on  mo'  dan  one  occashun  dis  cha'r  hez 
had  to  tell  you  to  go  slow.  Dar  am  no  doubt  dat  you 
know  a  heap,  but  dar  am  seberal  matters  left  ober 
dat  you  havn't  yit  surrounded," 

"Am  it  possible  dat  de  cha'r  doan'  know  what  taffy 
am!"  exclaimed  the  Reverend. 

"  Order,"  called  Samuel  Shin. 

"Disorder!"  yelled  Giveadam  Jones. 


2QS  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

"Sot  down!"  piped  Whetstone  Smith  in  his 
squeaky  voice. 

Waydown  Bebee  rapped  on  the  Bear  Trap  with  a 
monkey  wrench,  and  order  was  finally  restored. 

"Brudder  Penstock,"  replied  the  President,  "dis 
cha'r  knows  what  taffy  am.  He  has  bin  acquainted 
wid  de  article  for  ober  forty  years.  Dis  chair  kin 
refer  you  to  ober  ten  different  species  of  de  goods, 
all  warranted  not  to  fade  in  de  wash.  If  you  kin 
give  dis  Club  de  desired  informashun  axed  fur  a  few 
minits  ago  we'll  take  it;  if  not,  you  had  better  sot 
down  an'  git  ready  to  sing  alto  wid  de  next  song  by 
de  Glee  Club. 

"NO    OBJECTIONS." 

The  Committee  on  the  Judiciary,  to  whom  was  re 
ferred  the  subject  of  the  Lesseps  canal,  with  power 
to  send  for  persons  and  papers,  reported  as  follows: 

"  Dis  Committee  didn't  stop  fur  any  fried  clams 
on  de  hull-shell,  but  went  right  to  bizness.  A  butcher 
on  Woodward  avenoo  said  he  fought  de  canal  should 
be  pushed  right  f  rew,  as  it  would  lower  de  price  of 
lightnin'-rods.  One  of  de  city  Alderman  said  he 
was  opposed  to  it,  as  it  would  raise  de  price  of  rings. 
A  grocer  on  Michigan  avenue  said  he  didn't  want  to 
give  a  decided  opinyun,  kase  he  'spected  to  run  fur 
offis  next  year.  A  dry  goods  man  said  he  was  in 
favor  of  all  kinds  of  canals,  kase  dey  made  good 
places  to  fish  in.  A  hardware  man  said  he  couldn't 
favor  de  Lesseps  plan,  kase  his  uncle  was  drowned 
in  a  canal.  A  leadin  clergyman  likewise  opposed  it 
for  fear  dat  it  would  tempt  boys  to  drown  cats  on 
week  days  an'  go  fishing  on  Sundays.  A  great  many 
people  were  spoken  wid.  Some  were  pro  an'  some 


THE   LIME-KILN  CLUB.  299 

were  con,  but  de  majority  favored  de  ideah.  Dis 
Committee  also  favors  de  ideah.  It  believes  in  en 
couraging  all  public  enterprises,  from  de  building  of 
a  steeple  on  a  meetin'  house  to  de  unitin'  of  two 
great  oshuns  by  a  canal  full  of  water." 

Col.  Wallflower  then  offered  a  resolution  to  the 
effect  that  the  Club  had  no  objection  to  the  canal 
going  through,  and  the  same  was  unanimously 
adopted. 

A  DISAPPOINTEENT. 

Col.  Clawbone  Fishback,  a  cultured  and  fluent 
orator  residing  in  Chattanooga,  had  agreed  to  be 
present  at  this  meeting  and  deliver  his  lecture  on 
"  Why  Do  Our  Toes  Turn  In?  "  but  a  telegram  from 
Cincinnati  announced  the  fact  that  he  had  been 
obliged  to  lay  off  there  for  a  few  days,  to  assist  in 
organizing  a  colored  club  to  be  known  as  "  The  Col 
ored  Parisians  of  America." 

SUPPLY   AND  DEMAND. 

The  Committee  on  Supply  and  Demand  announced 
that  they  had  made  a  thorough  investigation  of  the 
quantity  of  water  in  this  country,  including  lakes, 
rivers,  creeks  and  ponds,  and  that  they  were  con 
vinced  that  there  was  no  real  necessity  for  any  per 
son  economizing  on  his  share.  The  supply  would 
permit  each  inhabitant  the  daily  use  of  150,000  gal 
lons  for  the  next  seventy-five  years,  and  at  the  end 
of  that  period  some  cheap  substitute  would  probably 
be  discovered. 

THE  JUDICIARY. 

The  Judiciary  Committee  announced  that  they 
were  compelled  to  report  adversely  on  the  petition  of 


300  THE  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

fifty-six  colored  citizens  of  Indiana,  asking  the  Club 
to  use  its  influence  for  the  protection  of  coons  and 
possums  of  this  country.  While  these  two  animals 
did  not  rank  as  dangerous  wild  beasts,  they  could 
not  properly  be  classed  as  domestic  or  useful  ani 
mals,  and  nature  must  have  expected  them  to  get  up 
and  dust  and  take  care  of  themselves.  Statistics 
prove  that  both  species  were  on  the  increase,  and 
this  fact  alone  showed  that  there  was  no  necessity 
for  the  law  to  stretch  forth  its  protecting  arm  and 
say:  "  Touch  not  this  coon." 

INSTRUCTIONS. 

The  Committee  on  Agriculture  were  instructed  to 
investigate  and  report  on  the  inquiry:  "  Was  there 
ever  a  race  in  this  country  which  was  subject  to 
spavins?" 

The  Janitor  was  warned  against  further  use  of  the 
Club's  stove  polish  to  shine  his  boots. 

The  Committee  on  Astronomy  were  requested  to 
investigate  and  report  on  the  inquiry:  ''What 
would  be  the  effect  of  365  continuous  dark  nights?" 

THE    END. 

"Gem'len,  in  dissemblin'  to  our  homes,"  said  the 
President  as  time  was  up,  "let  us  bear  in  mind  de 
fack  dat  blackberries  doan'  ripen  in  winter.  Ex 
pect  of  de  world  only  what  de  world  expects  of  you. 
Somebody  wake  up  Elder  Toots  an  put  on  his  hat, 
an'  den  de  meetin'  will  stand  upsot  for  one  week." 


A     000  032  053 


